Whenever my friend has a birthday, I always try to make it to their dinner or at least to the bar afterwards (even though I loathe very dark places that play too-loud music).
The problem always boils down to money:
What should I pay for and should I also bring a gift?
For my very good friends, I always bring a gift.
Something personal and usually edible.
I was also under the impression that we should NEVER EVER let the birthday person pay for their meal, nor for their drinks, and while I agree to that to some extent, I feel hesitant when I whip out my wallet.
Before you all start throwing stones at me, I should also note that I haven’t had a birthday party like that for myself, since college.
Seriously.
So when I go to birthday parties, knowing that they will never make it to mine nor give me a present, and I DO bring a present for them plus I fork out some cash to cover their meal and a drink or two, I wonder if that’s actually overdoing it, considering that I’ll never be reciprocated in kind.
Not that I am watching the purse strings in that respect, or trying to put a price on our friendship, but I thought the unspoken rule was: I pay in part for your birthday, and you do the same for me.
I also don’t drink, so I tend to stick to water, juice or pop (if I must).
But alcoholic drinks cost a lot more than water, let me tell you that!
As a result, I’ve not only been not able to make it back to their birthday parties as I am never in the same city as they are.
I also avoid any party day, and I set up a lunch/dinner/coffee thing with them instead, usually post-birthday bash.
I just feel a lot more comfortable, and I’d much prefer a smaller group of sober friends to chat & celebrate with, rather than trying to deal with the flashing lights in a club that only opens way past my bedtime 😛
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I was under the impression that a guest at a party should never, ever have to pay for the pleasure of attending the party. Whoever is the host is the one who should be paying for the food and drinks. If it is a non-hosted event at a restaurant or bar for the purpose of celebrating a person’s birthday then there is no expectation for you to buy the person a drink or to bring a gift. (Who brings gifts to an adult’s birthday party???)
Spending time with the person in a more intimate setting, and forgoing the event that is not to your liking, is a more than adequate way to honor the birthday.
Also, stop keeping track of reciprocity. It will only drive you crazy and breed resentment. It is hard, but trust me, you’ll feel better (i.e., more peaceful) if you give whatever you are comfortable with without the expectation of getting anything in return.
I’ve been to birthday parties, dinners, or happy hours where I paid for someone’s drink or dinner and it was never reciprocated back to me. And to be honest, I think it’s rude when people do it. Treat others how you want to be treated. And I also prefer smaller quieter groups