Background into my own immediate family
My dad was the stay at home father for the most part.
Granted, he worked part time and my mother didn’t work at all, but she was a struggling, more-than-full-time adult student who had a lot of learning problems in college with reading & studying to get her way through an honours program.
My brother on the other hand, cannot stand being at home with the kids 24/7.
He hates baby talk, he hates not being able to converse with the kids like they’re mini adults, and he feels like he’s in baby prison.
Ditto with my sister in law, and ditto with my MOTHER who is the grandmother now.
My mom on more than one occasion has said: I. Hate. Being. With. Kids. 24/7. Without. A. Life. And. Identity. Of. My. Own.
Exactly like that…. while plotting the death of Dora the Explorer.
It’s not that she hated us kids, or hates her grandkids (on the contrary!!), but if she had a choice to have a life and work outside of the home, or stay at home, she wouldn’t even have to think about it — she’d never want to be a stay at home mother.
So when the “job” for being the caretaker for the grandkids came up, my mom was begged, pleaded and almost forcibly coerced into being the caretaking grandparent, and into giving up her full-time job.
She held firm like a stubborn mule & shoved my father into what she considered to be a fiery pit of hell of grandchild caretaking, in which he would be toasty warm rather than feeling chained to a pit and sweating bullets, the way she would.
At first, my brother & sister in law were horribly unhappy with the “second rate” choice of grandparent, but after the first 6 months, they realized that my father was PERFECT for the job.
And now, he’s the “stay at home” grandparent for all of their rugrats, while my sibling & his wife works.
He couldn’t be happier with the situation.
He LOVES being with the kids, 24/7, even though a lot of the days it’s exhausting, difficult and he wants to just pass them off and go to sleep.
The pros, outweigh the cons for him.
Personality is the determining factor
I really do believe it’s more personality than gender that determines whether you could or want to be a stay at home parent.
I just have to look at gay and lesbian couples to see that it isn’t so cut and dry with gender.
I have a cousin who is a lesbian, and while she’s the one carrying and about to give birth to their baby (artificial insemination), her partner is the one who wants to stay at home with the baby of whom she has absolutely no genetic connection with.
It’s just a question of their personalities.
As for more examples of how NOT black and white it is, my second brother is the same way as my father — he’d rather stay at home than work, if he had kids.
And my sister would rather go to work than stay at home with her kids.
(Maybe we’re just the Opposite family)
What about the whole mothering instinct?
You could definitely make the argument that there are many women who as mothers, feel more of a physical connection to the child than the father (hey, she carried the baby for 9 months!), and therefore would more likely but not necessarily always feel like the one who should stay at home.
But I still stand firm in believing that it is not an intrinsic gender-given right to want to stay at home with your kid.
A father could feel just as much, or even more of a connection to his child than the baby’s mother; it is totally possible.
As for me: I am not cut out to be a stay at home parent, if given the choice
I am probably the product of my mother’s example, but I would NOT want to be a full-time stay at home parent.
I’d enjoy it for the first while, and then come to resent it.
BF however, says it would be the best thing in the world to be able to spend so much time with your kids & it’s all roses and rainbows for him (even with the reminders of the crying, the constant pooping and lack of real, adult conversation).
So if push came to shove, I’d shove him into the “fiery pit of childcare taking”.
So what about you? Would you? Could you?
(And please leave your gender when making your civil & polite comments)
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
My husband had cancer twice, so we were stuck with insane medical bills. I had no choice but to be a stay at home mom, the daycare was more than I was making a week.
I had been self employed when I got pregnant. I didn’t think I could be a stay at home mom, I felt like I was wasting my education and all my hard work, so we did it for a few months.
Let me tell you, mentally, it is hard. I miss working a lot. However, all my skills are still being used. I manage the budget, what I save in couponing, I invest. Financially, we make less but our money works more. I don’t have to put in 60 hours a week, and I get to spend a lot of my time with my family. Have my husband almost die does that to you.
I created another self employed business, this time from home, selling and designing party supplies. So it was a blessing in disguise, but it was definitely easier for me to go to work than it is to be a stay at home mom.
I like this post. 🙂 As a mom of 2 young ones, I’ve always been a working mom. I enjoy my time with them but honestly, I don’t think I can last or would want to be with them 24/7. It’s not that I love them less but I worked too hard in college to not make use of it and I’ve always known from the very beginning that I will be a working mom. I do have some sort of a balance though since my work allows me to work from home twice a week. I can drop off/pick up my son from school during those days. However, I still have put him in daycare so I can continue with my workday. You’re right about the parent’s personality about wanting to stay home with their child and not necessarily because you’re the mother. If you’re in a situation that your finances allow you to do that and one of you is more than willing to do it, then by all means go for it.
Everyone once in awhile I think how nice it would be to be a stay at home parent.
Then Sunday night rolls around and I CAN’T WAIT to get back to work. Or even more convincing: vacation.
It did get easier when my son started school, but now I have a baby/1 year old again. It’s exhausting being with him 24/7. I just cannot do it.
when i worked when my kids were little i always wanted to work. Staying at home with kids is hard, hard work. Mental hard work. i just don’t have the patience that they require or deserve. Now that i have lost my job and am with them full time, I was right to feel that way. I lose my temper with them, I snap at them when they don’t deserve it and its not fair to either of us. They deserve a better mother. And that was me when i was working. I recognize alot of my character flaws and never wanted to pass those down to my kids. When I was working full time, the end of my rope barely got reached. I would come home missing them and so interested in all their stories of the day. Now I just pray they be quiet for just 2 minutes!! Now my short temper and impatient ways are being passed on. I think its great that they admit that and are OK with it. Good for them. Everyone works differently and they have found something that works. Don’t let anyone tell them they are wrong or judge them harshly for it.
There’s probably more to the story than you’re sharing (I hope anyway), but what I’m most floored about is that your brother and sister-in-law had the very real expectation that one of your parents should quit their job to take care of the grandkids. If the grandparent offers, great. That’s wonderful! But I can’t believe they were pissed off for any length of time because your mother refused to quit her job to take care of the grandkids. It’s the parents responsibility to take care of/find childcare for their children, and theirs alone.
Good for your mom for standing strong!
As for me, when my children were younger, I preferred to work. Now that they’re in elementary school, I would prefer not to work or be part-time so that I’m home when they get home from school.