Although I firmly believe women and men deserve fair and equal treatment in the public sphere, in my personal life, I’m a mess of contradictions.
Through hard work, focus, and dedication, I achieved career success and to a certain extent, financial independence.
Like many modern-day women, I can take care of myself. But, boy, it sure would be nice if I didn’t have to.
To put it bluntly, I want a man who earns enough money to financially support me. There. I said it.
I know my admission will provoke some to paint me as a gold digger. Let me add this; I won’t entertain the thought of dating a guy whom I find intellectually or physically unattractive.
I’m not impressed by financially irresponsible men who conspicuously display their wealth.
Additionally, my primary goal in a relationship is to help my significant other be better than he was when I found him.
With that said, despite out earning a majority of American men, I still innately desire a partner who can carry me when I’m weak.
Am I greedy?
I don’t think so.
To stave off verbal crucifixion, allow me to pre-defend my position.
So *cracks knuckles* here goes.
I appreciate chivalry.
If I’m nearing a closed door, I want my guy to jump ahead of me and open it. Surely, I possess the muscular strength and dexterity to do it myself.
If I strap on a pair of 5-inch heels for a night out in New York City, when I feel the sensation of fiery nails piercing the balls of my feet, I want to cling to my guy’s back while he carries me to the subway.
On a rare cold, sunny, rainy afternoon, if my honey has a jacket, sunglasses, and an umbrella, I want ’em all–assuming I didn’t have the good sense to bring my own. (I guess we could share an umbrella, but I’ll hold on to it. Gotta make sure I’m 100% shielded from the rain.)
When the server arrives with the dinner bill, my wallet will remain tucked away in my purse while my boyfriend pays the check. And no, I do not want to leave the tip.
Of course, I’m not habitually careless or unreasonably expectant.
For the most part, I’m a sensible chick.
I open plenty of doors, endure the discomfort brought on by a poorly chosen outfit, and pay for my fair share of meals.
But I’m just sayin’, I don’t wanna. *Pouts*
My values and beliefs stem from not only my upbringing but also my biology. Regardless of how much money I make, I’m a woman. And as a woman, I find it difficult to shake my attraction toward a man who slaughters big game and drags it home for mama to cook.
Please tell me I’m not the only self-sufficient gal who feels this way.
Shawanda Greene is a free thinking, frugal gal whose only vices are boxed wine, lip balm and money grubbing. You can find more of Shawanda's musings at 
Wow. all of those things you said you wanted? Doesn’t matter if a guy has more money, to give you those things. In fact, the kind of guy you’re looking for is less likely to be that way. Often, for a man to achieve the type of financial success you crave, they have to be somewhat narcissistic, and not nurturing. I was a little bit like you in the past, not to the extreme, but realized that I wanted to love who I love and if i wanted financial security or a home, I should do it myself. Why confuse the two? I’ve met a man that challenges everything I may have thought, and what most women STILL think… that money makes the man. Everything on your list, and then some. Cold out? His jacket is around my arms. His wallet comes out instantly when it’s time to pay. Holds my hand on rocky paths, and loves to introduce me to his friends. he’s the perfect guy. Just doesn’t have a ton of money. Works harder than any man I’ve ever met. You’re missing out.
I want you to have those things, and I am a man
It symbolizes something for a man to care for youthis way. There is no one else on earth my dad would take care of and give access to his money but a woman he loves and trusted. Id take care of him in ways no one else could.
The woman isn’t supposed to get the check, ever? Here I’ve been splitting checks and offering to pay for the round when I could have gotten it all for free! Geez, I sure am doing gender wrong.
Yikes – I have to disagree with you here. You see, for the exact same reasons you do, people of both genders want the same thing. I don’t believe that your gender gives you the right to win out, simply because of gender.
FYI – you can totally slaughter your own big game and drag it home for your spouse to cook. I know, because I’ve done it. I’m not saying you have to or should… just that you shouldn’t expect it of others unless you’re willing to do the same/equivalent.
One of my huge beefs is women who want equality but won’t put their money where their mouths are.
I certainly could slaughter my own game. I’ve done it. I do it. But it’s still sexy when a man does it. An equivalent contribution would be the woman cooks the game that the man slaughters.
I’m not one to pretend that men and women are equal in their contribution to humankind. I’m not saying that one is better or superior to the other, but that we serve different roles. Just because a woman wants a man who can financially support her doesn’t mean she’s incapable of doing the same. And I didn’t indicate that I have a right to a guy who’d financially support me, merely that I prefer that kind of guy. The same way I prefer a guy who’s intelligent, driven, open minded, respectful, tall, and physically fit–like me. 🙂
Scratch the surface and every woman is a golddigger. That’s why the smart man dates the hottest woman he wants to – no matter how much she makes, she’ll quit her job before filing for divorce and clean you out either way. Might as well have a good time with some arm candy – the outcome is the same for the hot young chick or the older, rich chick.
Sound bitter much?
While I prefer that he out earn me, any future partner would need to earn at least in the same range as me. I work hard to achieve a certain lifestyle and I want that security. My other big thing that people think I’m too picky about is that he needs to have a college education. I’m working on a PhD and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a guy who can keep up intellectually.
Hmmm…. are you equating intellectual ability with a paycheck? How much did Einstein earn? You sound pretty snobby. A piece of paper does not guarantee that someone will be equal to you intellectually, or frankly earning-wise. When will women figure out that in a blink of an eye everything could be lost. Choose for love and compatibility. Anyone can get a degree.
Oh, I can so relate to this post. Thank you for posting it.
I am not a gold-digger either and I work in a very high-paying career which has afforded me many nice things in life. I have worked hard to where I am today. I never flaunt myself – ever. If anything, I keep a very low ‘wealth’ profile. Having said that, a couple of the men I have dated in recent months made me defend myself because of what I have achieved. I made them feel ‘less’, they said. So I drive a nice car. Why should I apologize for who I am or what I have achieved?
Don’t get me wrong. I am okay with being the bread-winner but in my experiences, these guys left me wondering if I was just a sugar momma. (Ask me how fast they want to move in to my home.) I don’t know if I necessarily need to be with someone who makes as much or more than I do but I know I need to be with someone who is independent and self-sufficient no matter his career path. Does he have goals? Does he strive to better himself? Is he ambitious? I have yet to meet someone like that.
I’m less concerned with how much he makes and more concerned with how a man spends what he has. If he makes frivolous purchases or good investments. That’s the difference. A man who is careful with his money and makes $30,000 will always appeal to me more than a man who squanders his $60,000 or $250,000.
I think women are hard-wired to want the man to take care of us. It’s a nice, safe feeling. And I have to agree for the most part. For me it doesn’t really matter if he makes more money, but you’re right, he can’t be lazy & wanting me to pay for everything (reminds me of an ex-boyfriend, ick!). I also see Romeo’s points below. Sigh. Relationships can be complicated sometimes!
I feel any real man should be able to provide you with everything you want. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I will always want to be the support structure of my family. Not saying my partner should not be strong and independent, just not as strong and independent as me ;o.
thanks so much for writing this & for everyone who is sharing their mind. my boyfriend of 6 mo. & i just broke up — and this was one of the main factors. he’d declared bankruptcy and was in the process of foreclosure. there are many good people who encounter unfortunate circumstances, and i still love him. but financial strain adds a huge layer of stress — and i still had these feelings most of you are sharing about wanting safety and protection from a man. i do think men & women can see money differently — with it being more closely related to safety for women. attitudes like romeo’s frustrate me. why would i chase a man? why is it so taboo and not understood when we share thoughts like this — especially when the majority of women are thinking the same thing?
I read a study awhile back that found that women prefer to date men who earn more than they do (shocker), but it also said that men prefer to date women who earn less than they do. So it seems men like to feel like providers and women like to be provided for – in general of course. And only to a point, usually.
One reason a man’s earnings matter to me is that I want the option of staying home to raise kids if we decide to have them. I don’t know if I’ll want to – and I’ll do everything I can to manage the household and earn side income if I ever do – but if I marry a man who earns half what I do then my staying home one day would require a HUGE lifestyle cut. Which obviously I wouldn’t be thrilled about.
You should have all of this because you’re a woman? Really? That’s your answer? Give me a break, Shawanda, and every other woman who agrees with you. You can’t say in one sentence that you want your man to pick up the tab, but in another say, but I’ll pay my fair share. No you won’t, because your first statement infers that you won’t really want to do it…ever…because you’re a woman. Therefore, you have no concept of fair when it comes to splitting bills. Men are stuck between a rock and a hard place most times.
Yep, in the beginning, men are trying to impress the woman probably more than the woman is trying to impress the man, so he pays the first 10-15 bills. But eventually, the man will most likely awaken and ask, “so, why in the hell am I doing this?” Why am I not the one being “wowed?” If he’s an intellectual and very attractive successful genius, hopefully he catches on and realize that it is him that women should be chasing, not the other way around.
And then when the relationship starts, the woman should desire to do the same thing that the man desires to do for her. Ideally, they both should be jumping to pay the bill…every time. The woman should say to the man who is offering up his umbrella, hey baby, let us both fit under this thing together.
I don’t understand why most woman think men owe them more than the woman themselves are willing to put into the relationship. Here’s a rebuttal. Woman’s money matters, too.
A successful man, if he’s smart, shouldn’t want to give up the majority of what he earns just to court a woman, especially the modern day woman with a modern day attitude of I can do what ever you do. The smart man should have the attitude of, “fine, split everything.” Why shouldn’t he? Is he really that weak for a “sensational feeling?” Shame on him.
Now let’s be clear. I love taking care of a woman…who in turns, wants to take care of me in the same fashion…finances in all. And if she can’t do it financially, she better damn well have an exceptional agreeable and respectable attitude. Just saying….
Romeo
I agree! I don’t want to be taken care of, but I do want a partner in life. I want both of us to be responsible for our shared financial well being as well as our family and home. Sometimes I’ll need the support and sometimes I’ll be the one giving support. I think there has to be balance.
Unfortunately, I’ve dated more than a few guys who think women should be chasing them and enjoy stringing multiple women along so they can have their pick. That attitude is certainly out there!
Thank you!
I wonder why more women don’t consider the reality that the time might come where THEY have to take care of the man. Oh blah blah blah I want to be a stay at home mom whatever — what if your husband becomes injured or ill? What if he becomes disabled? What if he’s just laid off from work? Or what if 10 years into your marriage he wants a career change that cuts his salary in half? What if HE wants to stay home with the kids?
A spouse is not an alternative income stream.
I want to earn enough money to financially support my spouse — and that should be EVERY woman AND man’s attitude. Because if you both think that way chances are you won’t ever need to rely on each other’s income. You’ll never take more than you deserve, you’ll never feel resentful that your partner is taking advantage of you, etc.
Marriage or any long-term relationship is a partnership anyway. It shouldn’t matter where the money comes from — and it should NEVER be “what’s mine is mine and what’s ours is also mine”.
I generally find the only women that want a man to support them financially are the ones that doubt their own earning potential. If you’re confident in your own abilities to make money, you don’t care what anyone else makes. Why should you? You don’t need it.
YES, YES, YES, YES!
Yes! Equality is equality; if you want it, put your money where your mouth is! I don’t understand how so many people seem to have never thought that perhaps, just maybe, the person they are dating would also love to be financially taken care of!
You are not wrong at all. I am the same exact way and refuse to keep dating someone if they do not treat me like a lady. I want to feel taken care of and pampered sometimes.
Sometimes there are days in the office where I’d be glad to be home cooking and cleaning house rather than working all day then just to go home to cook/clean anyways on top of all that. That’s me at least.
My husband and I had this exact same conversation tonight when I saw some men whose job was hand-washing cars and it made me question what kind of money that might bring in. I personally don’t care what job anyone has, but when I looked for a potential spouse or significant other I wanted to know he could support me. However, I’m not greedy. So, I completely get your point and agree with all that you wrote. I felt almost bad for having that opinion b/c I think a marriage is a partnership and I do my part to help in every way. At the same time, I like that my husband can support me and our children.
But why should the man have to support you? Why are females that self important that THEY have to be the ones supported? What is wrong with supporting yourself?
that guy washing cars? he’d probably make a great spouse. Hard workers tend to make wonderful husbands.
You are not the only self-sufficient gal that feels that way! 🙂
Yup, I want the same thing and realize more and more many of the things you mentioned, and I don’t think I’m a gold digger in the least bit. Nor do I think you are 🙂
actually you are.
Representing the Y Chromosome here:
I get where you’re coming from. Being a guy born in the south-east USA, my mom made darn certain I was instilled with the values of a southern gentleman: “Please, Excuse me, Thank you, and Yes Sir/Ma’am” are all in my daily vocabulary, as is calling my girlfriends and female friends “darlin'” as a term of endearment. I open doors for young ladies, and do the same for the elder ones. You get the point….
My opinion is I don’t think it’s a bad thing for a woman to desire a man that can provide for and take care of her. It’s genetic….the female of any warm-blooded species is wanting someone who can protect/provide for any offspring she bears for the male. It’s probably a good reason why ladies are attracted to rich and/or successful men who women otherwise wouldn’t have anything to do with….wealth and success are natural attractants.
Here’s the kicker though: Just because it’s natural for homo-sapien females to feel this way, doesn’t absolve them of their responsibility to rise above it. A Christian preacher had a great story about this: “God didn’t make women from Adam’s foot so he could step all over Eve. He didn’t make her from his hand so she could serve him all his life. Woman was made from a man’s side so she could be there to lean against in the bad times, and stand side-by-side to share in the good times.” This goes both ways though.
Women like to kid about having more-developed brains than men who usually think with their “smaller brain”. If you’re going to talk the talk, you’d better walk the walk.
Honestly, I think that’s totally normal and maybe even biological. We want men to be the providers. But when I say that I mean I would like a man to be able to provide for me but that doesn’t mean that I actually want him to. Does that make sense? I always want to make my own money but it’s nice to have the security of a man who could care for you if you lost your job or got pregnant or wanted to be stay at home mom. Which is the exact reason I would never ever date a guy you didn’t have a job.
Frankly, I don’t care what my man makes.
But I want him to work hard. I want him to want to excel in his field, to want to rise in the ranks, and to really make a difference in his job.
I want a man who will let me be the breadwinner while still being a gentleman. I want him to open doors and mow the lawn- even if I paid for the lawnmower. I want that fact not to emasculate him.
And he damn well better kill every single bug we encounter!!
LOL! Your bug comment reminded me of a Sex and the City episode. Charlotte is dating a super effeminate guy. You gotta check it out.
I couldn’t have said this better myself. Every single fact is true. LOVE this!
I don’t think you are a gold digger or are the only one to think that way. When I was dating, guys who didn’t treat me right did not get past friendship. By treat I don’t only mean being great, but not being cheap. I actually had a guy interested in me split a $6 lunch with me. :/
Even when they asked me out nicely. I was probably seen as mean, but a girl’s gotta be picky when she’s going to give up her darkest secrets to her partner right?
My hubby would take me out and make me feel special 🙂
Do I want the guy to earn more money than me? Uh…don’t really care….it’s all about combined savings. I just don’t want a bum!
Ha! Split a $6 lunch? That’s kind of ridiculous. I don’t have a hard and fast rule, but I like for a guy I’m dating to pay for the first three dates. On the fourth, I’ll offer to pay. What can I say? I wanna be wooed.
My father earned less money than my mother, but I never doubted that Dad was the provider. Some men earn a lot of money and spend a lot of money. They don’t have anything left for their women. That’s not impressive.
You’re not the only one! I think it’s ok to want a man who earns as much, or more, as what you’re making and still be financially self-sufficient. It’s not about the money per se, but I’ve found that men who are indifferent and lacking ambition towards their careers are a huge turn-off for me. Whether he’s a school teacher or a Wall Street trader, you want to be with someone who’s gonna grow with you and strive to achieve similar goals in life.
Absolutely. I find ambitious, hard working men extremely attractive. Men who sleep in and don’t have a life plan aren’t, ya know (I can’t think of a better way to put this), sexy.
you’re totally oversimplifying things. You’re equating “ambition” with earnings. Is “ambition” the secret key word now? because there are millions of hard-working and ambitious men who do not earn a ton of money. Perhaps they’re artists, or have started a restaurant or brewery. I think “ambition” is just a nasty little word women use to say “I want a guy with money.”
I feel the same. I’ve dated way too many men who I ended up supporting despite the fact that I was not exactly a high-earner myself. I too would like to be supported financially, that would be nice. And no, I wouldn’t spend my days shopping and wasting money, it would just be nice to know that things are taken care of. Alas, this is not the case.
Argh! I can’t stand that! I’ll accept a guy who earns as much as me. I’ll accept one who earns quite a bit less. I’ve even stuck by one when he was struggling to find a job. But I can’t have a man bleeding my finances dry because he’s a bum. Maybe I’m biased, but I think I put a lot into my relationships–like many women. A guy has to do his part as well.
I definitely agree here. Although I support myself financially, it would be nice to have a man capable of supporting both of us, so that there was just more money in general for us. And chivalry is so nice, my boyfriend does such sweet things for me and it’s so nice!
Yeah, I like having lots of money around. But I also like my guy to do things that I think I shouldn’t have to do. For instance, I hate taking my car to get serviced. I’ll pay for it, but I don’t want to wait around in the lobby of some greasy auto shop.
Agreed. I really want to homeschool my future kids, and while I’ll probably always have a little freelancing on the side, when I’m married with children I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Men I date need to be just that: the MAN.
I have my heart set on homeschooling my future kids. But I still want to run a successful company. I’m not sure how I’m gonna pull that off. *Grumble* Darn tradeoffs!
You’re not different for wanting these things. What makes you different is that you admitted it out loud!
Absolutely!
I once dated a guy who had no career motivations and didn’t even finish college despite it all being paid for. It was really frustrating and was one reason of many that it wasn’t going to work at all.
I don’t have a problem with a guy not having a college degree, but a guy who’s lazy and lacks ambition is absolutely unacceptable.
Whew! I was scared to say it, but I’ve always felt this way. My mother taught me to take care of myself, but at the same time, when I tell her about a new guy I’m dating, the first question out of her mouth is, “What does he do for a living?”
while I understand wanting the guy to make more to carry you over my flip side is I want to make more or equal to the hubby. I have more education, and I spend a little more than he does so I want more income to cover my expenditures and really in the event that anything happens to my wonderful hubby I want to stand on my own two feet. I just wish we were equal in pay period.
That makes sense. Your family is more financially secure if you can live off of one person’s income.