I’m going to probably catch a lot of flack for this, but have you ever noticed a problem with making friends?
Specifically, making friends of the same social status as you are in.
CreditI have a friend who is a doctor, and she just moved to a new city all by herself to start the job. Most of the girls who are there and around her age, are receptionists or nurses and they don’t seem to feel very comfortable in hanging out with her, just because she’s a doctor, and she has to tell them what to do.
It made me think of Grey’s Anatomy where you never really see nurses hang out with the surgeons at the same lunch table, and it’s rare to see higher-ranking surgeons hang out with the newbies.
I’ve been somewhat sheltered from this aspect, seeing as most of the clients I am with, tend to not have many women in the department, let alone women my age to hang out with and bond with.
It’s mostly guys around me, at least 20 years older with a wife, kids and there is no real connection other than work for the most part.
On top of all of that, I’m a lone wolf on projects, seeing as I’m a freelancer working among employees. I have to be uber careful about what I say and do, and how I project myself, so it can be hard to fit in.
Being a consultant means having to be an Every Woman/Man, and though many won’t show it, it can get lonely at times to not have a work friend to talk to, especially since I switch projects and clients so often.
I also find it hard to bond with a project manager, manager, executive or person way higher up than me in general. It just doesn’t happen, I’m on guard all the time.
The one thing my friend mentioned being uber jealous about my job was that I actually had to interact with people on my team — my project team, the client, the people I’m helping and just in general. I’m forced into social situations that can lend themselves easily to a rapport of some sort, even if it isn’t a strong one I can build on outside of work.
With her, she only hangs out with the other doctor in the field, who is again, older than her, not the same gender and just for the plain fact that she is sick of talking about doctor-y stuff all day (she thankfully spared me the details), and wanted to talk to other professionals not in her field or industry.
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In my last job I was the daughter of the boss and therefore the boss of everyone by default. It kept me isolated from everyone – everyone was kind but did not want to socialize or anything because of it. There was no mutual Facebook-friending, no invites out to events with other employees. It was the first job I ever had that I could not be friends with the people there – there was an invisible barrier. I had always had tons of friends at work, and this was a miserable, lonely situation – completely new to me and foreign. I hated it, to say the least.
My work is really important to me, so in many ways it’s great to socialise with those in my field.
I find, however, that most people my age don’t have the same priorities as me and aren’t in similar situations relationshipswise or financially.
I struggled with this when I hit my 30’s and moved to a new town. My town is a strange mix of young people on trust funds (and not flaunting it) and poor people struggling to make it. On top of it I worked in an industry where there was very few women. Years ago when the movie ‘Friends with Money’ came out I totally identified with it.
I struggled with this when I hit my 30’s and moved to a new town. My town is a strange mix of young people on trust funds (and not flaunting it) and poor people struggling to make it. On top of it I worked in an industry where there was very few women. Years ago when the movie ‘Friends with Money’ came out I totally identified with it.
It sucks being a lone-wolf. Work can keep you SO busy that there isn’t enough time to socialize at the workplace. Then there are the 2 group categories to choose from: the smokers and the non-smokers. If you are a non-smoker, good luck finding someone to enjoy a break or lunch with.
Your friend just needs to get involved outside of work – Junior League, sorority alumnae group, or some other social/networking club. I know it’s hard for doctors who sometimes have erratic schedules though.
I had two work friends about my age in my former job at my office, and it was awesome. They were both guys, but we all chatted at work and did happy hours and were more or less the energy of the office (everyone else was at least 2 decades our senior). But one left and one got fired last year, and after that I was more or less alone and realized how much less enjoyable the office was. There were 2 other girls in the division around my age, but they were administrative and not in my building; so I made friends with some older women colleagues. It was nice to have work friends, but it’s not the same when somebody is in a different life stage or job category. Sorry but when you’re the boss you can’t expect to be very friendly with your underlings.
I have this issue all the time. I just don’t fit in with others by age, incomes, likes, interests or situation. So I have several different sets of friends for various things. For example, most friends our age don’t have kids as old as ours so while we hang out we don’t relate on some things. On the income/finanical side I really don’t know much of anyone in a similar position except people I’ve met via PF blogs. I have ceased to worry about it myself and just like people for what they are regardless of how the friendship works out.
I find it is definitely easier to relate to people who work in the same field and similar position as me.
For me, sometimes I just find it kinda annoying when I’m working so much that I barely have time for lunch, and others are complaining about how bored they are doing nothing… Then, I think that the time that I am working is bringing in fee’s to pay for non-billable staff (such as themselves) and I do get a bit peeved.
At my first job, I was a research associate in place filled with PhDs and MDs. Even though they were 5-15 years older than me, and were obviously higher ranked than me. I worked for them and with them. Even though they were of a different “status” than myself, we still regularly hung out together for lunch and after work (except for those with kids, they had no time to spare). I was never made to feel “less than” and I never felt intimidated by them. For those who seem to have trouble with being friends with people of a different socio-economic status, they really should evaluate why. Is it due to low self-esteem or insecurities? Or may due to condescension? Obviously it’s understandable that you would have difficulty becoming friends with your direct bosses, assistants, or clients, as that would be a conflict of interest.
I would also like to point out that people with professional jobs can still be of different economic statuses. What about the social worker who has a graduate degree and directs a program, but will make very little compared to the business professional in sales who only has a BA and less responsibility? I don’t understand how sometimes statuses are grouped by professional/authoritative jobs vs. blue collar jobs/support staff, when a mechanic can make more money than a post-doctoral researcher.
I honestly don’t think that work is the best place to find friendships for most people. Friendly acquaintances, sure…but not friends. It does make your world a bit narrower. What about forging friendships through volunteering or activities? You can befriend those who are different from you economically and professionally. As well as age differences and life stage differences. It can be touch in the beginning, but it would expand your world so much more.
It’s interesting that you write:
“I’ve been somewhat sheltered from this aspect…”
Actually you’re not sheltered from it, you’re living it.
As you’ve stated, “most of the clients I am with, tend to not have many women in the department, let alone women my age to hang out with and bond with.”
That sentence alone proves your exact point that friends of a feather flock together. If there were more women, your age or not, working in your industry, you probably would have more work friends that you could bond with.
No flack here, I completely agree with you.
I struggled with this when I first moved to the city in which I did my residency. Other than my residency class (most of whom moved away the following year) I didn’t meet many like-minded people. Then, when I started my job, most of the people my age were people under my supervision, and few people like to hang out with their “boss”. After a few years and ongoing efforts between my husband and I , we have found a network of friends. We didn’t specifically seek out people who were of a similar social status, but we found most of our good friends are professionals in some capacity, like us. This happened naturally by pursuing our interests. I think it just takes more time than you expect when you move to a new place.
I’m an entrepreneur working in the therapy field, so the only people I interact with, much like you, are my clients. I found when I used to be an employee (in an 98% female environment) it was stressful trying to focus on work when so many of my colleagues were discussing their social life around me. I found it really clique-y and not at all professional, one of the reasons I branched out on my own.
Now I find more of my friends are people I meet when I do things outside of work, like at a yoga class, conference (o.k, a little work related) or through other friends.
It was tough in the beginning, but it’s worth it in the end.
I know exactly what you mean. I’m in the finance field, and everyone is a male and at least 20 years older than me.
I can understand why your friend may feel that way because of the job categories, but at the same time a situation is what you make of it. I’m sure if she approached some of the “younger” crowd of nurses in an open and friendly way, they wouldn’t rebuff her. I think the hierachy thing – which I find unfortunate but know from personal experience that it exists – is more firmly entrenched in the older crowd.
I’m a lawyer, the youngest lawyer in our department. I work with a lot of law clerks and administrative assistants and of course other lawyers. It’s true that in general, the lawyers tend to be older, and the support staff tend to be younger, and there is a segregation in terms of socializing, due to age and maybe due to job position. But I approach everybody based on common interests without paying attention to job or age status, and have been able to make good friends with some of the support staff here. I was never “rebuffed”, or told to hang with my own crowd just because of my job title.
I agree that it’s very hard to make friends, especially if you don’t fit into an easily-defined niche. I’m 51, and have a hard time even identifying potential friends because I live a pretty untraditional life. I’m in a blue-collar profession (home inspection), but live in a large and unusual house that is totally unlike any that surround us (a standard suburban development). So people already see me as “other”. I’d love to be included in neighborhood stuff.
I suspect my work and life have limited the range and scope of friends I have cultivated. I teach and am a sports/band mom so the people I hang out with are from those same circles. Most are more or less in the same financial bracket. I find I am uncomfortable when those of a higher income flitter into the mix. It’s not anything specific they are doing. Probably more a reflection of my own comfort and esteem.
As a nurse, I really take issue with what you think my job is. At least at my hospital, I’m “suggesting” more than half the orders and medications that end up being ordered (teaching hospital). If you think the role of physicians is to tell nurses what they have to do you simply need a bit more education regarding the differences in roles. Maybe the hospitals are different for your friend, but I know I have many physician and surgeon friends. We all hang out together for super bowel, at the same bar downtown. There are also a lot of nurse-physician relationships. That may be your friends’ experience but it’s not the only experience either.
Super bowel? Sounds fun!
whoops! I was all fired up about the subject of nurses. Plus, I work with bowels all day long so I guess it was on the mind…
Gave me a good giggle 🙂 Thanks to all you nurses, doctors etc. for all you do.
YES. I’m 33 and don’t have my PhD, but work in an academic environment. People who DO have their PhD’s are closer to my age but a) too busy with work to socialize or b) rank higher than me and are my bosses/someone I need to impress. So I hang out with PhD students, who are as many as ten years younger than me. It is difficult. I am the life adviser, the glue, the organizer of social events, and often they come to me with life problems that I dealt with over 5 years ago. I have no one around my age in the same boat as me, which is childless, single, and early 30s. It’s a whole different ball game at 33 than at 26 or 27. It’s such a relief when I get to go to the US and visit my same-age friends (who have their PhDs but are single, childless, and early 30’s females that I’ve known for 10 years+). They understand!!
I have that problem, though with family rather than friends. It’s just so much easier to relate to people of your social status and in a similar socioeconomic situation. For me, it means that I have a much easier time relating to my dad rather than my mom because my mom’s a housewife, and my dad is an engineer. I’m preparing myself for the fact that most of my friends will be male once I’m done with school. Actually, most of my friends are male already…
Personally, I use blogging as a medium to interact with people who are not in a similar social situation. It gives me more time to think about them as people than I’d get in person, which helps.
There is a lot of value to be gleaned from these kinds of posts and I am willing to say that your friend may continue to find it difficult to hang out with nurses outside of her job because some people cannot handle the idea of being friends with someone who is in a position in authority. Naturally, who needs these friends if you are the doctor? There is no room for baggage in friendships.
I really really sympathise with this sense of loneliness of finding friends and making new ones especially as we get on in our 20s because friendships are connected through work in so many ways. I am also a lone wolf and I do think it has been harder for me to make friends professionally because I am at a different stage professionally with some of my current friends and that has affected how we talk to each other.