Helicopter parents are a big thing these days.
What are Helicoper Parents, you ask? They are parents who hover over their children in all aspects of their life, always jumping in to fight their battles instead of letting them learn on their own.
I understand if it’s a serious issue that cannot be resolved on their own, but letting kids learn on their own is a far better strategy than handicapping them with too much help.
When I was a kid, we were always taught to fight our own battles, although more mentally than physically.
If we got a bad grade in school and we complained, my parents would look at us and ask if we think we seriously didn’t deserve that mark. More often than not, they were right — we just had to work harder to get a better mark.
Only once or twice, can I remember that we were in the right, but even then, we argued with the teachers on our own without calling our parents in to fight for us. In the end we resolved it on our own and felt more empowered to deal with authority figures, versus the other kids who had their parents on speed dial.
DOES INCOME PLAY A ROLE?
If your parents earn more money and/or are in jobs like being in the Supreme Court, a lawyer, a doctor, or something considered socially important… do they turn more into helicopter parents?
If so, is it because their jobs make them more aggressive and protective? Or is it because they feel guilt for not being there for their kids (i.e. working long hours)? Or perhaps that they believe their kids are perfect because they have everything at their disposal?
On the flip side, if your parents earned LESS money, would they be more likely to accept and believe authority figures and let their kids battle out on their own? Why is that?
I recall reading an article that did a study about children from rich families versus poor families.
Rich families were more likely to teach their kids autonomy and the ability to ask questions directly, like when they’re at the doctor’s office going in for a checkup, but autonomy doesn’t mean that their parents let them fight on their own, such as when they’re questioning the doctor’s opinion.
Poorer families were more likely to speak for their children and not really question the judgment of the doctor.
It’s one thing to blame everything on everyone else, but when it starts becoming routine to pick up the phone to yell at someone on behalf of your kid, maybe it’s your kid and your attitude towards their battles that’s the problem.
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To give helicopter parents their due, it’s ALOT harder being a kid now and school is much, much harder than it was when I was a kid. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming for a child to keep up with all the things they have to keep up with and they NEED some help. I don’t believe in getting your kid “out of trouble” though if they do something wrong.
That’s true. You do need to step in as a parent sometimes, but there are some instances where I think: WHAT?
That actually violates my experiences, but then again, I have had very little interaction with poorer parents. I always thought that poorer parents were more likely to not have time to fend for their kids, and I knew a few rich parents who wouldn’t leave their kids alone.
Such a shame. I was taught autonomy, and we were neither rich nor poor. I liked the way I turned out.
The thing I find most surprising about this whole helicopter parent thing is just how quickly it’s happened! Like, I was marveling the other day about how parents of teenagers these days don’t seem to expect their kids to get part time jobs. Someone commented to me that it’s because parents think it would be “too hard” and kids should “focus on being kids” and things are “so different from when we were young.” Umm…hello? I’m only 24! It wasn’t that long ago that I was a teenager and had a job because I was expected to have one so I could, you know, buy stuff. I just don’t get it.
I don’t ever remember my parents coming to my rescue as a kid, unless it was a situation where it really was beyond what I should have been expected to deal with myself. Like, one time when I was in the 9th grade, I had a teacher who didn’t like me and actually called me after class to yell at me about how I had no talent as a writer, was worthless, would never amount of anything (FYI: I now write and edit for a living) and totally sent me into tears. So yeah, my parents got involved, because how could a 14-year-old deal with that? But when I got a B on a paper I thought I deserved an A on? Either I sucked it up or I took my issue to the teacher myself.
Agreed! Insulting a kid is when a parent should step in, but things like babying them by not letting them have a job or still doing their laundry after high school is just crazy.
TeacHer– That’s nothing! I had a MASTERS student’s father call me. She’d gotten caught cheating and he wanted to bully me into withdrawing the complaint. This was a woman in her 20s, and a college graduate!
I see about the opposite with the kids I work with on the pool deck (ages 3-15). The more well off parents are more likely to hover and be the helicopter types, the ones who are working two jobs to make ends meet are more likely to have the kids do it themselves.
Guess it’s a crapshoot 🙂
It amazes me that I have so many parents of SENIORS in HIGH SCHOOL who email me about their kids’ grades. Give me a break! If I came home with a bad grade as a senior in high school, my parents would have been mad at me but they would never have thought it was their responsibility (or the teacher’s) to stay on top of me. At 18, I was responsible for my own actions.
In terms of income, I haven’t seen a correlation one way or another. I’ve seen rich and poor helicopter parents, but I have heard from friends who teach in wealthier districts that say it is an overwhelming problem there.
I remember when I was in high school a friend of mine skipped class to go to the mall, and my friend missed a quiz so the teacher would not allow her to write it late. She lost it, and had her father call the vice principal the next day….we were in grade 12 btw. I could not believe it, and the worst part was that my friend was all proud of herself. As a side note, we have stopped being friends since due her outbursts of entitlement so to speak.
OOO! I have a similar story about a friend.. well ex-friend now.
Perhaps when the article said “autonomy” it meant saying what you wanted to the doctor or dentist, but not necessarily when there’s conflict or a fight that has to be handled.
My aunt is the worst for this and my cousin is completely incapable of doing ANYTHING for her self because of this. My cousin went away for college and my aunt will spend hours on the phone with her giving her essay dictations. I am all for parents being supportive, but doing everything for your children just makes them worse off.
I am a fan of helping kids learn, but not handicapping them by giving them the answers. I knew a girl in college who’s FATHER would write all of her damn essays.
When I hear Helicopter parents I think of a Simpsons episode where Homer becomes one. He is standing in the hall with dozens of other parents, peering in the classroom windows, spying on their children. Then he twirls away like a helicopter and smacks into a wall. We see a lot of helicopter parents at school. They come in to pick up their children, hover outside the door, pack their backpacks for them, fight their battles for them and make excuses for them. As they get older, it really creates kids who are unskilled at standing up for themselves or speaking for themselves. Within the socio economic range of our school it is the middle range parents who hover the most.
Or still do their laundry? I met someone who’s mom still does his laundry at 24. Colour me shocked.
I read about the same study – I think in Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers (really interesting read btw!) but I’m not entirely sure.
Some support from parents is good, but in the end you learn more by figuring things out for yourself and fighting your own battles.
YES! It was in Outliers. Thanks for the reminder. I can’t remember where I get info from sometimes.