I was just thinking the other day about kids and their parents. More specifically, what jobs their parents held and their kids took afterwards.
Using my brother as an example, he’s a freelancer of sorts, and my sister-in-law has a PhD.
When I asked their kids what they wanted to become, here were their options:
Astronaut, Surgeon, Doctor, Veterinarian, Hobo…. (just kidding on the last one!)
It made me wonder if it was the influence of their parents to make them name of such (in my mind) high ranking professions.
Casually joking with my sister-in-law, revealed that she expected her children to go to a prestigious business school OR medical school to become… get this… a gynecologist.
Why?
Because they make a boatload of money. That’s it.
Not because the work could (perhaps) be interesting to her kid, or fulfilling.
She wants to put one of my nephews into medical school, to specifically become a gynecologist because it makes money.
I gave her the side eye, and joked that he might end up a brilliant artist instead.
She gave me a horrified stare and said: “Don’t even joke about that.”
Hmm…. 🙂
Not every generation has to always be a step up above the other
Generally, that’s what happens, but sometimes parents who are doctors, have kids who are plumbers, and I think that’s all right too.
It’s okay NOT to be a “step up” above what your parents have or haven’t done.
It puts a lot of pressure on kids, without really asking or knowing what they have a real aptitude for.
Maybe being a plumber is the right fit for his skills and talents.
So what if it isn’t being a surgeon?
Plumbers can make a lot of money too, if they work hard, own their own plumbing business, and start a mini empire of hiring other plumbers to work under them.
It isn’t as sexy, but maybe your kid who becomes a plumber or a mechanic, may become smarter about saving his money and running the business efficiently so much so that he might end up having more in the end than his sister who became a surgeon.
Just because it isn’t a white collar job, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to do
Some construction workers can make $30/hour, as an average wage, depending on experience I think.
They work hard, and it may not be behind a desk pushing pencils and papers, but it requires skills and a knowledge of what has to get done, that takes time to learn.
And I daresay, not everyone can do that job, no matter how “easy” it might seem.
They can even go on to get certified in how to handle a crane or other specialty equipment, and earn even MORE money per hour.
So what if they don’t “save lives” directly with their jobs?
They’re still improving society in other ways — making sure the roads are properly cared for to minimize accidents, and doing their job for the city.
And they CAN become well-respected and well-known in their industry for doing a good job, on time, on budget and carefully.
Perhaps, they’d even open their own construction business and make a killing. It happens.
Trade skills are really undervalued
Plumbers, Electricians, Construction Workers, Carpenters… the list goes on.
There are plenty of jobs available for those who have the aptitude for those careers, and telling your kid: if you don’t become a doctor, you’re a failure.. is just ludicrous.
The kid might end up going to medical school, or becoming a doctor.. but is he doing it to please his parents, or to please himself?
Maybe he was better suited to become an electrician instead.
But because his parents had certain expectations of what their kids SHOULD become, based on what jobs they themselves are currently working, the kid ends up facing a midlife crisis about who he is at the age of 40.
Just because you have a job as a [insert job here] doesn’t mean your kid will do the same
Skills are different between each individual.
Yes, based on socio-economic factors such as income, class, wealth.. bla bla bla… kids can have better opportunities to “rise in the ranks”.
But just because her mom and dad are both successful lawyers, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she will automatically become a successful lawyer.
Her parents can push her, and encourage her into those kinds of “suitable” paths, with the resources on hand… but in the end, she’s a different individual, and a different person than her parents.
She follows in the same values and the footsteps as her parents as much as possible, but perhaps she wants to become a social worker instead, because that’s her calling.
Let them be kids and dream.
Kids can be encouraged to find their passions through their hobbies at a young age.
But if they show an inclination towards the arts instead of science, I’d let them be.
They may not end up artists, but squashing that dream so early on, and putting the pressure on them to become a scientist instead of an artist, is not (in my opinion) giving your kid the best support and encouragement possible.
It’s kind of what my parents did with us.
They had no expectations of us becoming doctors, scientists or lawyers.
In fact, my mother wanted me to become an artist.
They just let us be, and we ended up finding our own paths into our dream jobs.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I think it is more about opportunities and exposure. I did Big Brother/Big Sister for awhile, and was kind of horrified when my “little sister” said one of her possible future careers was a waitress (because her mom had worked as one). Granted, she was only like 7, but I don’t think many people’s dream career is a waitress, if you think of all the other possible dream careers out there.
I also feel like you are over-glorifying the trades here. Most of my extended family (and my dad) work in trades of one kind or another (and this recession hit them all, hard, since a lot of the work is tied to new construction rather than maintenance). YES, you can build your own empire, but it also requires business skills, and if you don’t have them, things won’t go well (ask my dad). If you do have them… are you really a plumber or are you a businessman? In the longer term, you are might be likely to move up the ranks and become a foreman and do a little less physical labor, but the trouble with a career in the trades is that it is hard physical work. As you get older that becomes harder, and you may be forced to retire earlier than planned. Then there is the fact that you are more likely to be injured on the job. Electrocuted, falls, etc.
I’m being a little dramatic, but it is all true and things my dad has mentioned to me over time. I think he would have been an engineer, if he had the opportunity to finish school. The trades are a good option for all to evaluate and they can make a lot of financial sense, especially for a young person (don’t “waste” years in college!). But it is important to consider your life career plan and if you want to do it forever.
My parents didn’t push – but they always encouraged. 🙂
You’ve covered so many thoughts here. Great job. One thing that stood out to me was about pushing kids in certain directions. I’ve learned as a parent that my job isn’t to control my child, pushing them through life. When I try it doesn’t work. What does work is to be supportive of them, giving them encouragement and freedom to explore while making sure they don’t get into too much trouble along the way.
I spent a lot of my life chasing an ideal that I felt I was expected to achieve. In the process I did more harm than good. Once I settled into “my own thing”, everything fell into place.
Great blog. I look forward to reading more.
When I got laid off last year, my dad really pushed for me to move back to Ottawa and get a ‘good’ job with the federal government. I find office jobs boring and I chose to move to a small town and work for a weekly newspaper instead. He still pressures me to get a better paying job with better benefits and to ‘secure my future’ but I’d rather live an interesting life than make loads of money.
This is a tricky topic for me, since I’m one of those people who’s been raised to exceed their parents. Although I think mine were “sneakier” than most and put things into a nicer way.
I remember having once asked my dad what I would be (career-wise) when I’d grew up. He said he didn’t know, but if I got good grades I could become anything I wanted. Of course I didn’t always get the best of grades, but I think in the end I did alright. Or that’s what they say at any rate.
Personally, I sometimes feel a bit inferior to them, since they’re both engineers (studied electronics and electrotechnical engineering)… while I get the creepes just thinking of anything even marginally related to physics. 😛 But they always say they’re proud of me.
On the other hand, I remember reading this article of parents forcing their kid to study Maths and Physics, even though the kid was a dab hand at Mechanics and he’d have loved to pursue such a career.
In theory, I completely agree with your point that one should let one’s kids choose their job. However in practice sometimes you can’t help but try to guide your kid towards a job that would at least put a roof over his/her head.
I remember wanting to become a translator for a good while. I loved learning English and German at school. My parents never discouraged me to learn new languages, on the contrary. But they were always hinting that maybe translator would not be the best choice for me. Here it is payed rather poorly, and not too many people can find a job as one. Oh and let’s be fair, I was dreaming of accompanying the president on one of his delegations as his translator… 😛
I couldn’t agree more with your perspective! As the mother of 10 and 7 year old sons, I try to encourage them to pursue careers that they will truly love in life, regardless of income. My older son is a computer/video game nut. He plays World of Warcraft and several other computer and video games (he plays sports as well, don’t want anyone thinking he’s a couch potato!) because he really loves it. We’ve discussed what his future career choice might be and I’ve suggested computer/video game developer or anything related to that field and he loved the idea. He has a plan to go to the military for four years and then major in computers. My younger son wants to be a construction worker, just like my husband and my father. My father owned his own construction business for years and made a good living. My son loves tools and building and I encourage that aspect as well. I take him to Home Depot workshops and bought him a Real Construction tool set to build his own objects. He loves it! Maybe he won’t be filthy rich but you know what? He will be happy! And there is nothing more I want for both of my boys.
It’s sad that so many parents push their kids to do jobs that are stressful, hectic, and even boring. Quality of life is so much more important than money!
I was very fortunate that although my dad is a lawyer, he never pressured me to go to law school. He had other people asking him if he was going to make me go to law school, and he would tell them that he would support me if that’s indeed what I wanted to do but that had to be my decision not his. He said if I didn’t want to become a lawyer, I wouldn’t be a good one. I’m very grateful that my parents have been very supportive of me living my life the way I want to.
Wow – this article illustrates exactly what I have been struggling with lately. After spending more than a year working in Costa Rica, I’ve recently returned to the U.S. and have been debating going freelance or starting my own business. My parents couldn’t be more disappointed. They prefer I go for the corporate job with cushy benefits…whether that’s what I actually want or not.
Thanks for the post!
I am one of those people who would have benefited from being pushed into a ‘family- career’. I only realised in my thirties that I would really want to be a doctor, and that my family’ were right, but at this stage I am too old to start studying medicine. I am changing careers and studying something in the area of health, but had I listened to my family, life would have been more straightforward career-wise.
The thing is…those professions you listed are difficult and expensive to get into, and don’t guarantee you a boatload of money. Look at the cost of medical school and medical residents’ income on a per-hour basis and the years of residency. Veterinary school is expensive, training is long, and pay isn’t great relative to hours. As for astronauts, there are very, very few of them, they have years and years of training and education, and oftentimes military experience.
Just thought of one more thing… if parents want their kids to have lots of money, then shouldn’t they be pushing their kids to Wall Street? You can make a lot more money on Wall Street than as a gynecologist…
My parents always tried to squelch my dreams. First I wanted to be a writer but at the age of 6 they started advising me against it and encouraging me to teach, instead. Then in university wanted to be an artist and really freaked them out .. but I actually set up a very successful body arts business and they decided to trust me. I am now pursuing a documentary film career and they support me totally because they have learned that I put actions behind my airy fairy dreams to actually make them happen! Also, here in Australia there is a totally different mentality toward tradespeople or ‘tradees’ as they call them here. Far less people attend 4 year universities and tradees make heaps of money. They are respected and paid fairly for the hard work that they do.
My nephew is going to school to be an auto mechanic. My sister is kind of apologetic. I went to school and grad school, she and her husband did not go to school after HS. I said “sis, you can’t outsource fixing cars.” And I mean it. I love my job, but semiconductors are all going to China. My other brother in law, however (the plumber), has more work than he can do himself and just hired a second employee.
My Dad urged us to all go to college, but he was never specific about a particular career. You’re right about generations and it can be for different reasons. I could never do what my father did. He was a rocket scientist, very literally. I know that is a joke, but they really do exist. I just don’t have the brains. I’m no dummy, but I’m not that smart.
Wonderful post! As someone who’s been going through a quarter-life crisis, trying to discern what I want from what I’ve been expected and conditioned to want after a certain upbringing, I really appreciated your discussion of this topic. I attended what at times feels like a suffocatingly prestigious college, and I often try to peel back the layers on why it’s scary for me and my friends to consider “blue collar” jobs, even if we think we might be happier in them. Love your blog- thanks for the consistently thought-provoking posts!
I think there is a misconception that you can only make a ‘boatload of money’ if you have a professional degree. I work as a professional while my husband has a trade; he makes 3 times as much as me. We both work similar hours however, mine are for free since I am on salary while his are overtime. I don’t even want to get into the amount of debt I graduated with plus the loss of earning years.
I agree… We need more skilled labor in the United States. Social trends get very few people to go into skilled labor.
As for myself, I think that I’ll save my rant for a blog post rather than putting up a personal wall of text here. Some science students wonder “Am I doing this for myself, or my parents?” And then they have a midlife crisis in school.
When I decided to get a B.A. in psychology my mom actually said something along the lines of “Anything in Arts isn’t an actual degree sweetie.” Now that wasn’t my lawyer or doctor mother speaking it was my “failed out of college twice now working at a garden centre” mother speaking. I know it sounds harsh to describe my mother that way but what she said was extremely hurtful and discouraging. I loved psychology then and I love it even more now that I’ve graduated proving that it was the right path for me to take.
My story is just to show that parental disapproval doesn’t necessarily come from parents with ph.d, med degrees or law degrees. In fact, my father who has a masters in geology is way more accepting and encouraging than my mother. My mother has it in her mind that anything less than a science degree is a failure. Even now, years later, I still don’t feel like she’s proud of what I’ve accomplished no matter how much she tells me. Its just too evident in her actions that a bachelor of arts just wasn’t good enough.
Lesson learned: Kids need love and acceptance from their parents. I’ve made it my mission to make sure my kids (whenever I have them) will feel loved and safe and accepted under my roof at all times!
This is a great post. I completely agree. My parents both have Biochemistry masters, but when I was little I wanted to be a street sweep, so my parents gave me a little mini broom for a birthday…I was about 5 and was thrilled! Choosing a career is difficult enough as it is an not having my parents support would have made it that much more difficult.
Are you kidding? Every self employed plumber I’ve met has been rich. 😉 Doctors have that huge burden of massive student loans, malpractice insurance and many years of missed income from being in school.
Trade skills are really under rated. I worked as a heavy equipment operator and in the oil fields to pay for college and I made more doing that than as an IT Manager now. The crane operators on our work sites pulled in 6 figures and if I had stayed on my off shore oil rig job I would have also.
Trade work isn’t as glamorous as having that desk job and a corner office and they dont have as many benefits either but strictly based on money they can pay very well with very little training. As an operator I made the same income I do now after 2 years of experience and just a high school diploma vs 8 years of college and 5 years of experience to get my corner office job that pays the same. At least I have a lot better medical and dont have a 30 page death and dismemberment policy here though 🙂
It’s funny, my mom is in the field that I decided I am going to school for. She’s at a lower level, because she didn’t go to college, so I’ll be a few steps up the ladder from her and have the chance to get farther up.
My boyfriends dad is a carpenter, and he’s a carpenter. My boyfriend never really dreamed of becoming anything else.
Unfortuantely for your sister-in-law, male doctors in general are much less in demand now, ESPECAILLY gynecologists.. yuck I couldn’t imagine going to a male gynecologist. So her sons, if they do go into the field, wont be as successful as if a daughter did.
My mom didn’t want me to go into the field I’m in, but I did. She didn’t fight it but she still mentions that I would be good in marketing. I hate marketing, so no. haha.
When I have kids, I don’t care what field they go into, if they go to college. I’m adamant that my future children get an education. I have even devised a plan to force them to! Hahah, but once they get there.. it’s up to them what they do, even if it’s trades school!
I totally agree! Though I think it’s a little dangerous to talk about a kid’s career being or not being a “step up” from his parents. Says who? It’s all so subjective, how can one even compare being a plumber to a doctor to an artist? Apples to oranges? I know there are members of my family that totally look down on me for becoming a journalist and not going to business school (“What, you weren’t smart enough to get into business school?”), but does that mean what I’m doing is less worthwhile, and less useful to society? I suspect not.
I’ve noticed that no matter where you are, people will always look down on you. Seriously, even having gone to business school, people ask me why I don’t run a multi-million dollar company by now. *rolls eyes*
We can’t all be Zuckerbergs