Note: Leah in the comments says she felt uncomfortable reading this (and 2 people agreed, because they “Liked” her comment).
I can see what she means to some extent, but I should note that if you don’t want to read personal articles about me, my family or my life, you should probably try reading my far more neutral blog — The Everyday Minimalist.
This blog is far more personal because I do talk a lot about my money and my life in general.
I will also point out that this is not an article only to bitch about my relatives, it’s an angry one in response to my mom was having the green-eyed monster fits in our kitchen the other day.
She said: Wow, if only we were as rich as your aunt and uncle. What a wonderful life. We’d have a perfect life.
I tried to explain to my mom that they were millionaires, but they didn’t live as richly as what she thought — that they ate crap, spent more money on image and vanity and didn’t really have good family relationships.
I wanted my mom to know why I thought that she had a better life, even compared to my rich aunt and uncle.
Anyway, would it be any more acceptable if it were me writing about myself? Random strangers?
How about a fictional story about fake relatives just to write a “controversial” post?
(This story is really my aunt and uncle by the way, so I didn’t do that.)
I don’t want to blog in a bubble and politically correct all the time — it’s the controversial stuff that’s interesting to me, and it generates good discussion most of the time, even if it’s negative towards me and why I wrote it in the comments.
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I have extended family members who are filthy rich (aunts and uncles). We’re talking in the multi-millions with multiple houses, fancy luxury cars and oodles of cash which they enjoy bragging about.
My mom envies them greatly, and my father slightly so, but I do not in the slightest. I think having too much money is probably a curse for them and their family, not a blessing.
(And no, we will never inherit any of their money. We are not considered immediate family, so they only dole out the cash to their kids, not nephews or nieces. We are considered “poor relations” to them. Update: And they’ve told us so to our face, which is why I mentioned it.)
I visited them a couple of times, and each time they don’t really act like millionaires to me, they act and live like people who don’t have any money at all.
Major Characteristics of the Poor (in my mind)
Please note that when I say “poor” I don’t mean it as a derogatory, mean or rude term. I mean they just don’t have what society would consider as enough money to live on, because as we all know, not all poor people are lazy. I am also writing this post with my parents in mind as the poor folks.
Poor people tend to not spend money on food because it’s expensive to buy fresh stuff and they’d rather not cook or don’t have time to because they’re working 3 jobs and may not have enough help at home. Or maybe they just don’t know any better or don’t know how to cook from scratch.
Poor people seem to spend a lot on vanity. Looking good, buying new patio furniture every year, keeping an immaculate, expensive garden, and keeping up appearances. I’m even thinking of middle-class folks I know who drive beautiful cars, but can’t afford to pay their utility bills.
Poor people take free stuff when it’s offered to them to save here and there (but then again.. I WOULD TOO, and I know I have to fight against the urge to do so and not clutter my life)
I also think to some extent, poor people sometimes don’t know the power of a dollar.
They have to make tough choices between saving, spending and in their purchases, they can’t see that a $5 “treat” at McDonald’s is $5 they could have saved aside for emergencies.
Of course, this is not all “poor people”, but I’m thinking of my parents in this case.. as they grew up dirt poor but have no idea how to save for the future because they’re afraid it’ll all disappear, so they spend it like mad.
As for my relatives? They act like poor millionaires.
They don’t buy good food
They will eat junk.
Cheap cuts of meat for instance. They will buy food on sale, in the cheapest cuts possible.
These are not people who are frugal in the sense that they buy cheap food because it is in their nature to save money as much as possible.
They just don’t value food or care about eating good food. It’s all CRAP.
They loved a recipe of ours when they had it at our house, but upon hearing it used a $20 bottle of wine for 5 adults, they said: Oh, too expensive to eat.
Yet they spend squillions on vanity
Yes squillions.
Custom license plates, huge fancy automobiles, multiple homes filled with antiques and fancy art.
We’re talking in the THOUSANDS here. Yet they won’t spend $20 on a bottle of wine to cook with?
They splash big amounts of money when it gives them face and status to do so, like hiring special dancers and entertainers to crowd the street in front of their home so all their neighbours can see…. but not when it’s behind closed doors.
My cousins’ wives and my cousins have at least 200 pairs of shoes each, in big name brands like Louboutin, Jimmy Choo and so on.
They’re building ROOMS in the house JUST to store their shoes and clothes.
They take napkins and other free goods
Those wet naps? Yeah, my uncle pockets all of them because in his words: “it’s money.”
Their kids don’t respect a dollar
When my cousin was given money for his birthday, he stretched out one hand behind him to snatch the money without properly turning, standing up and THANKING the donor.
He just reached out his hand, bored.. like he was entitled to free money all the time.
For them, the parents are just cash machines they can be rude to.
Worst of all? They claim to not have space for us when we visit
They have a 6-bedroom house with 4 adults living there. HOW CAN THEY NOT HAVE SPACE?
They just don’t want to put us up because:
- We’d eat their food
- We’d use their utilities
- We’d have to actually interact with them, as family
- We’d take up precious space
If I were a millionairess, it’d be something I’d do without thought especially with all the space I’d have.
Heck, I’d offer to host any family member now, even with a small apartment without much space!!
They seem to have room for everything that matters to them: shoes, clothes, accessories…. but not family.
I know this is all relative to people’s priorities and choices
Of course, in all of this I am imagining what I would consider my priorities if I were a millionairess.
I know that I put food in a high priority for myself, even without millions.
I like to buy and eat good food, and we occasionally buy $20 bottles of wine to cook a special meal with.
Frankly, the kids are just waiting for them to die
It sounds sick and sad, but it’s true.
I see it in their faces and in their attitudes.
The obligatory meeting with the parents twice a year for 2 weeks when they’d clearly rather be anywhere else.
Their heads constantly bobbing as “yes”, and never daring to contradict their parents.
The resigned natures and looks on their faces when they have to endure yet another family dinner.
The threats my uncle makes about “cutting them off” if they misbehave, don’t get married and pop out 5 kids.
The money they borrow like crazy from him ($250,000 – $500,000 for down payments on million-dollar houses).
The fact that my cousins LIE about how much they make so that their father doesn’t think they’re bums, hovering in the wings like vultures. He thinks they make $20,000 a month each, because that’s what they’ve told him. Our estimates are closer to $2000 – $5000 a month each.
I’m glad my parents don’t have millions
I visit them because I want to, I talk to them because I want to and I do and buy things for them because I want to.
I wonder if I’d turn out to be the same as my cousins if they had lots of money.
We can all think that we’d NEVER do that, or we’d NEVER be like that, but without having been put in that kind of situation, I am not sure I would be any different than my cousins.
I’m happy to NOT be uber rich in that case, because it seems like I’d eat bad food, be a brat and not have a better life than the one I currently live.
I’d rather have my life as a “poor cousin”, than to be who they’ve turned out to be.
I’d probably be spending it all on vanity and image, rather than on good food and things that really matter in life, like hosting family.
I just wonder if they’ll ever grow up, get old and regret their lives.
Money is important, to be sure… but it can sometimes be the root of discontent.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I thank you for writing this article! I know its from a while back but I just found it today. My inlaws won a little bit over 3 million dollars, in a settlement in 2003 . They used the money to divide the family, (we are military and live away) My inlaws have 3 grown kids, I am married to the middle child. My inlaws continue to this day take care of my husbands brothers FINANCIALLY they are 35 and 39 years old. My inlaws lie to everyone about how much money thier sons make, they make barely minimum wage. My inlaws give the outside appearance of being rich to the small town they live in, my nephew is the most popular kid at school since his grandparents are “rich” The money is all gone in reality, they spent every dime in a couple of years. They have over 400,000 in debt. They live from social security- to disability check. We went to visit them for the first time in nearly 5 years, this past summer, we were treated so poorly, and we were offered hot dogs, canned walmart soda and processed food. We bought the food for the 4th of July dinner so we would have fresh fruit and vegatables to eat,(my Mother in law was thrilled she didn’t have to buy food) my nephews and nieces had no idea what fresh food tasted like and did the ick face and ran right towards the hot dogs and frozen icee pops. We will never go back to visit, we too were told they were too busy with friends and family to be with us, my kids are 15 and 9. In 15 years my daughter has gotten 3 Christmas gifts that total less then 20.00 each. My nephew was given a car for his 16th birthday last year. Its tough to swallow at times but I do know karma will come around eventually.
I’ve been on the poor end, as a single mom with three kids… it doesn’t make it right (or nutritious) but a lot of people who will spend their last dime on fast food (or beer, or clothes,/shoes, or cigarettes, whatever) do so because it’s a comfort. FB, I know you get it, because you’ve gone from a hefty debt, to turning it around. Good article, by the way… Lisa @ Wallet Watcher
That’s not living! Your relations have still got a “poor” mentality but they act like new rich. It’s all a thrill for them to be able to show off with houses and cars and the appearance of wealth, but they don’t live well and don’t even feed themselves properly.
There’s a sociologist/educator named Ruby Payne who has some interesting theories on the culture of poverty (particularly generational poverty as opposed to situational poverty). Like another commenter below, she argues that much of our attitude towards money and consumerism in general is very cultural. She talks about different value systems at different socioeconomic levels – for instance, a person from generational poverty is likely to value food in large quantities rather than for quality (hello, McDonalds!), because often meals are unreliable, whereas a middle-class person is likely to value food for quality because they have the resources to be pickier (organic veggies, grass-fed beef, etc).**
I’d be interested to know what kind of lifestyle your aunt and uncle were raised in – are they new to wealth? The trends you describe have similarities to Payne’s descriptions of generational poverty, particularly regarding what they will and will not spend money on. While your post is obviously a very specific example, it certainly exemplifies that our value systems certainly effect how we all spend our money and how we view others spending habits – something we should be aware of in our own financial goals and when conversing with/advising others regarding finances.
**Caveat: let me be frank, Ruby Payne has some glaring issues – particularly regarding stereotypes based on gender and race – that I find off-putting). I would by no means recommend her as the end-all, be-all to socioeconomic cultural critiques, but she has been a major name and influence nonetheless and would certainly be an interesting read for anyone who had a strong reaction – positively or negatively – to this post.
Brave post, FB!
When I was growing up, we were the poor relatives, but to my parents’ credit, I never really felt that we were. We didn’t get everything we wanted but my parents always had a way of making up with experiences rather than spending money they didn’t have. Like you, my maternal grandmother and her family valued good food. We always had home cooked meals; dining out was a rare treat, but not preferred. My parents worked hard to make something of themselves, and as a result, my younger sibs (my sister and I call them the second gen set, LOL; I’m 9 years older) experienced life when we were starting to acquire wealth. Their friends come from a different background than mine, for instance, but I’d like to think it hasn’t spoiled them too much, and we’ve got each other (and my parents!) to help them maintain balance. My parents are just now starting to enjoy their money after years and years of deferred gratification.
We love good food also and it’s a high priority in our lives, but I know people who don’t really care about food. For some food is just another chore. It’s too bad about your uncle, sorry to hear about their behavior.
I have a cousin who is upward of $30,000 in credit card debt alone, and lets not even delve into her bank loans. They’re living on one income, thinking about bankrupcy, and is the epitome of your discussion about “poor” people and their vanity, etc.
The only difference is that she thinks she’s entitled to eating organic etc, so she shops at the boutique-y grocery stores and not wal-mart like me and my boyfriend.
Her and her husband both drive new cars with customized this and that. My cousin and her husband don’t respect or know what it takes to earn money.. they just take bank loans when they need money and then just come to the conclusion that they should claim bankruptcy. It’s ridiculous.
You know what they say.. Mo’money mo’ problems. Haha!
My background is not wealthy, but not poor. My parents taught me to be responsible with my money, I’m financially independent from them, and I have a great relationship with them. However, I don’t think being from a rich or poor family would preclude you from achieving these things. Personally, I would say that the problem was the maturity of the people involved not the money.
This is a great post! Obviously this is an extreme example, but sometimes the differences in the way I view money vs. other people, I just find it mind boggling. For instance, one time I went grocery shopping with my mom, and picked up a loaf of bread from the bakery. Her eyes practically bugged out because I’d spent $3.50 for a loaf instead of $1 on Wonderbread (Can you IMAGINE?!). But then, of course, she doesn’t blink at spending $10 on chips and onion dip to have for a Friday night snack, or at making tacos using only ground beef, when she could be stretching it out with beans and veggies, and also making it way healthier!
I have another relative that constantly bemoans how she has “no money.” I always have to bite my tongue around her. *I* have no money, or little. She has over a million dollars worth of assets, no mortgage, no car payment, a closet full of shoes, etc. Just because she spent a TON of money without thinking about it, doesn’t mean she gets to bemoan the fact that she can’t buy her 5th pair of Jimmy Choos in the same way that I hemmed and hawed about whether or not I could afford to pay $80 for an Air Conditioning unit — in the middle of a heat wave! Haha.
Perhaps because I’ve had similar experiences with some rich people as you, and because I have the same values as you, I’m sorry that this family turned out this way, and I didn’t feel offended at all when I first read this article (before you added the note at the top). There are rich people who are good, but I more often than not see their kids come out spoiled. It’s almost like you have to hide your money while they’re growing up so that they appreciate it.
I think that while it’s sad that the kids are waiting for them to die, I’m not sure that your aunt and uncle deserve more when they threaten to cut their kids off, and won’t take in any relatives as guests… but of course, that’s by my value system, and not whatever they’re living by.
After reading this post, I have to say that I think the way your aunt and uncle acted is a cultural thing and not a financial thing. I can think of several other cultures off the top of my head where the poorest of the poor would feed and house even a stranger. It seems pretty common for Chinese people to be this way (extremely “cheap” and stingy).
” It seems pretty common for Chinese people to be this way (extremely “cheap” and stingy).”
Personally I take offense in this. It may be true in your experiences but it’s actually not particularly ‘common’ for Chinese people to be extremely cheap and stingy. Nor do we make a habit of it. Keep in mind that sports cars, brand clothes, MacDonald and many hundreds more I could name, are of Western influences. Let me stress the word Western. Also keep in mind that chinese people are brought up differently as opposed to Westernized children. Morals are taught differently and values are also different. One common example of this is education. Another is money, particularly how it’s spent.
Wording it like you did seemed to me as though you were on the lines of pointing out a particular ethnic race of people, and saying things about them that are not terribly ‘nice’ making it seems like it was bordering along the lines of racism.
Pardon me, perhaps I’m just being defensive here, but frankly I’m quite sick of hearing and reading comments discriminating China and its people either indirectly or directly. Buut I really am only 13 years of age so life experiences doesn’t really apply here.
I interpreted the article in the same way as Kris (i.e. ‘poor’ meaning ‘spiritually poor’). I can understand your disappointment in your extended family here. I guess it comes down to values and it must be difficult seeing your wealthy family members upholding very different (and more materialistic) values to your own and subjugating your immediate family because of it. I didn’t find this article at all offensive, though I think the opening statement definitely helps to clarify things.
I took her definition of “poor” to potentially mean spiritually poor, which has nothing to do with how much money you have and everything to do with your outlook on life and how you interact with the world. In this way, strong loving family relationships = rich, and having to keep up with the joneses no matter the cost = poor. Whether that’s what she meant or not, that is the way I read it.
Note: I read this after you had posted the note at the top.
What bothered me most about this entry was that you defined what you thought were the major characteristics of the poor. I know that you qualified that with the definition being your experience, but I think it off-putting,due to sound rather judgmental and simply not being strictly applicable to the poor. I thought of multiple celebrities who pull multimillion incomes annually and fit the bulk or all of your characteristics of the poor.
With that said, we both live in countries where you are free to write entries like these and we’re free to disagree.
It’s your blog. I don’t feel that you have to apologize for what you write. Those who are uncomfortable have the option of logging off any time they want. As far as I’m concerned, too many people are ruled by political correctness rather than the truth. Keep putting your truth on your blog.
I think this has to do with where the wealth comes from and how quickly. Newly made millionaires tend to “act out” and “do whatever they want” with their money. People from wealthy families who are historically wealthy, tend to be better at spending/investing because it’s like breathing air to them: completely natural and they don’t know life without it.
Of course, there are different types of people in both the “wealthy” and the “poor” categories, no matter how those categories are defined. I come from the “poor” type of family but I know how to save and manage my money. And I don’t eat junk or spend frivolously: I take my health seriously. But then there are rich people from historically rich families who lose their fortunes to bad decisions. There’s all kinds of people out there.
I don’t know why people who feel uncomfortable are reading this article. There’s all kinds of stuff online that I don’t feel comfortable reading, hence, I don’t go there! Isn’t that the point of the internet? You pick and choose what you like?
I read the post after you posted the note at the top and the additional comments, which I have to say probably helped clarify. I really appreciated the preface that this was in response to a family discussion with your parents this weekend and I think information like that used to introduce the topic would be great in the future. Now, this article reads as what you intended – an explanation and vent of what you were discussing this weekend – as opposed to an out of the blue rant on “poor” versus “rich”.
My dad used to say that everyone had a purpose to fulfill, even if for some it was only to serve as a negative example. I’d have to agree with most of what you said about poor choices made by some folks.
I can see where you’re coming from, we’re human right?
I do wonder as well whether material possessions make people lose their humanity. One thing I get annoyed at “rich people” is their air of superiority to “people”.
I am glad to be a minimalist because I don’t envy those 200 pairs of shoes or the less than respectful family interaction.
I am sure not all millionaires/billionaires are like this, there are some lovely people out there but it shows that money in excess is not a good thing.
You’re right that we are much better off as we are, not wanting above our means and not keeping up with the Joneses. I don’t envy that suburban competition, it’s sick. I loathe people that have to prove that they are “better” than someone else, in situations such as richer, smarter, stronger, etc. It is childish to care so much about what other people think, reminds me of high school.
It’s kind of like lottery winners. You would think that it would make their lives so much better, but in most cases, the money ruins their lives.
I’m sorry you have relatives like that. I’m sorry for both the parents and the kids, because they are really missing out on what it means to be family.
I was not offended by you post. I’m glad you were able to “vent” about this particular part of your life.
I will add too, that good food has become more and more important to me and what I would prefer to spend my money on. Health is wealth. Always.
You’re totally right. We could all not read your blog if we take issue with anything you’re saying. But you could not read our comments as well.
Here’s the thing. You write about personal stuff a lot. And that’s cool. I read for the personal finance stuff and generally skim over the stuff about your family etc. No big deal. But sometimes your personally stories come off as really judgemental. And you’re publicly revealing these things about people you know under the safety of being anonymous. I would be devastated if someone in my family was bad mouthing me online just because they thought they wouldn’t get caught.
It’s not that your points aren’t valid. I just think it’s a little icky to say things when you don’t have to be held accountable for them.
True… but when would anyone ever hear stuff like that then?
I’m the reverse of Ashley, I skim over the financial bits and read the family/personal posts thoroughly. I don’t find it icky. Perhaps, Ashley, some of FB’s personal musings trigger an unpleasant feeling about your situation?
there is a lot of junk food out there, and someone has to buy it. Eat well, and also buy some stock in burger joints and soda pop. Then when you see people eating junk, you can feel a bit better knowing the dividends will allow you to keep eating well.
That’s true. I feel good when I see the lineups at McDo’s.
Wow, I felt really uncomfortable reading this! The comments about what poor people buy or not and I think it is a bit crappy to call out relatives like that.
I have a immediate family member that has worked extremely hard and built up wealth, and has since married again to someone from a wealthy family. They are nothing like you describe and while of course there are aspects of their choices I think could be better or even just different if I myself was choosing, that holds true for all our sibling sets – and I can analyse myself where we could do better or different.
What’s the point of this article? I understand there may be some ill feelings if they see you as “poor relations” and are not hospitable, but their attitudes and behaviour are by no means indicative of what happens when people become wealthy – like The Millionaire Next Door reports, the well to do are frequently unrecognisable as such.
I’m just saying it for MY relatives, because it made me feel so angry when I heard my mom talk enviously about how they lived and how rich they were.
I wanted to tell my mom all the things I saw about them not really being as rich or living as good of a life as she currently lives now, but it doesn’t get through to her. She doesn’t see that she eats better food, she has family who isn’t into money around her, no one is waiting for her to die.
So that’s where the article came from, this idea of people being jealous of others.
I should also note that if you don’t want to read personal articles, perhaps my blog is not the best place to be. I write a lot about family and personal life. My other blog — The Everyday Minimalist is more neutral in that respect.
I was and am offering feedback – the conversation with your Mom would have been a much better angle IMO than listing their failings. It is useful to de-construct our jealous or envious feelings regarding other’s financial situations.
As to all the comments about not reading, what is the point of commenting only praise and agreement? I am sure FB can handle a differing opinion on one post. I would counter if you only go to blogs that you agree with 100%, 100% of the time, you need to broaden your blog horizons.
I was and am offering feedback – the conversation with your Mom would have been a much better angle IMO than listing their failings. It is useful to de-construct our jealous or envious feelings regarding other’s financial situations.
As to all the comments about not reading, what is the point of commenting only praise and agreement? I am sure FB can handle a differing opinion on one post. I would counter if you only go to blogs that you agree with 100%, 100% of the time, you need to broaden your blog horizons.