If any of you watch Being Erica (love that show by the way!), you will know what I mean when I talk about breaking up with friends. The heroine of the show Erica, broke up with her long-time friend Jenny because she just kept flaking out on her.
CreditIt wasn’t that Jenny was a bad person, she just kept well.. dragging Erica down. You can read the synopsis here if you want.
That’s how I felt about a certain college friendship, although for different reasons than from the show.
(Is it sad I can relate to a TV show, and see the same situations in my own life?)
WHO IS THIS FRIEND?
I talked once about her. Briefly. I named her “G” in this post: “G if I were a rich girl” (don’t judge, it’s an old, OLD post).
A lot of the comments kind of hit home, and one that was particularly interesting for me was when someone told me maybe I wasn’t being a good friend to her.
I was writing her off without giving her a chance or the benefit of the doubt.
I was being too quick to judge. And perhaps they were right.
I felt bad, and I’ve been thinking about “G” on and off for the past while, wondering if I was just overreacting and being a bad friend.
So I decided to try again, a fresh start with her, to see if it was a friendship worth keeping.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t.
REASON #1: SPEAKING FRENCH
We were catching up recently on the phone and I mentioned being proud of finally being able to converse in French without getting caught a lot for words, and all she could say was: Oh but you speak with a French-CANADIAN accent, right?
I can tell you for the record that I don’t, because BF (who is from France) tells me my accent is more standard English than French-Canadian (stands to reason because I’m not French-Canadian and English is my first language).
But since I was in Montreal learning French, she automatically assumed I’d have a French-Canadian accent.
And in her tone, she meant it as a derogatory remark.
Not only that, she said it in a way like I would never be good enough to really speak in French and have other people who speak French understand me, which instantly made me doubt my own speaking abilities.
I was instantly ashamed and shy. I didn’t want to speak a word again, just from one remark like that.
Then I thought back to my experience in France and even in Quebec, and quite frankly, every uni-lingual Francophone I’ve talked to has been thrilled that I could speak their language so they wouldn’t have to struggle through English for me.
And maybe they were politely lying to my face, but they told me I spoke pretty well for someone who didn’t grow up really speaking the language.
REASON #2: SHE WHINES A LOT ABOUT NOTHING
Look, I am not the kind of person who pushes you away if you have a real problem.
I am willing to listen, help, offer advice and lend a shoulder to cry on, take you out to coffee or hug you if you need it.
But she was really pushing my buttons, almost like she was searching for something to whine about.
She was complaining about having to sell the family’s million dollar home in the city.
Or talking about how she didn’t want to actually work, but to stay as a perma-student and not do anything but live off her parent’s money.
Then she complained about not being able to jet set to Europe as often as she’d like.
Or how she felt like she had so much to handle all on her own, like helping plan her brother’s wedding overseas in some castle in France.
I mean, really. Not to belittle those problems, but what kind of problems are these? Rich ones. Rich ones I cannot relate to.
REASON #3: WE DON’T HAVE SIMILAR INTERESTS ANY MORE
We used to. But I don’t know what happened. Maybe getting out of debt changed me, or for any other reason, but we aren’t the same any more.
For instance, I mentioned I was traveling around Asia. She tells me to go to Thailand.
I said: Wow cool, yeah. I’d love to tour the country!
Then she pauses on the phone and says: Noooooo….. I meant go to Thailand and go to a 5-star spa and get those cheap massages and spa packages. Forget about the country, it’s beautiful but only if you’re in a spa or on the beach relaxing.
What could I say to that?
Why would I go halfway across the world just to go to a spa and chill out on a beach? I could do that here. I’m more interested in the locals, the sights, the food, the scenery, and going everywhere, not paying a fortune to hang out and getting pampered.
REASON #4: SHE SCOLDED ME FOR BEING A “BAD FRIEND”
I take the blame on this one.
But who in the world tells a friend she’s a bad friend because she travels and has a job working in different cities all the time?
Why am I the one who has to call her? Email her? Handle the communication?
She actually lectured me on keeping my friendships intact. At that point I really wanted to tell her: I don’t keep in touch with you because I don’t want to. I basically keep in touch only with people I like talking to and who don’t lecture me, whine, or put me down.
But you know, that would have been rude.
I’m over it.
There are more reasons, but those are the major ones. We just aren’t the same people any more, and we’ve each changed since our college years.
So how would you break off the relationship?
I’m at a standstill now, and frankly, I don’t want to make it work.
Do I tell her we’re done being friends and why? Or do I just let the friendship die from neglect?
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
Reason #2 seems somewhat ironic considering what you wrote about for reason #1! But overall if you’re not interested in maintaining your friendship with this person then that’s what matters, not the actual details for why. It can be hard to pinpoint or explain such details, but you feel the way that you do for a reason and that’s what you should be acting on. I hope you found a way to move on from this friend so that you could fill the unhappy moments in your life related to her with more joyous ones. Life’s too short to spend it not having fun!
Just came across this post and I wondered if you ever found a resolution to the situation? I am going through a very similar situation right now. Connected with a childhood friend after moving ‘back home’ for career, and after several years of friendship, she has become an obsessive, drama-filled, energy drain. She is completely enraptured by a married man who sings in a rock band that we met a few years ago – to the point of imagining conversations with him and then arguing the points of these fictitious conversations with me. For a long time, I didn’t realize that I was participating in this, and when I did I realized that we have literally not had one conversation in two years that does not involve this man. When I spend time with other friends, she is critical and condescending of them. I am going the route of gently and slowly backing away… being very busy and unable to hang out, graciously bowing out of events with large groups of friends, etc etc. Nearly ready to make a larger step and begin attending a different church closer to my home rather than the one we both attended as children. Fingers crossed that all works out.
From your examples, it doesn’t sound like she’s been a bad friend to you at all.
How it reads is that you don’t have a lot in common. Is this reason to break off a friendship? Not always.
But it sounds like you cannot see her point of view, that you judge her and her experiences and that you just don’t want to be there.
Now maybe G is a total hot mess who is a taker and mean girl. But the examples you give don’t support that. What they do support is a mild form of reverse snobbery on your part. You view her problems as rich-people problems. Would it be better if she was stressed from helping plan her brother’s at the nearest Pizza Hut, rather than a French castle? If the city home her family sold was only worth $60,000, could she miss it then? And there are plenty of people who would love to quit their jobs and be ‘perma-students’ – I would much rather take uni classes rather than go to my job as an accountant everyday. You should ‘break off’ the friendship, but you should also lose the attitude and stop blaming your friend for not being you.
A friend sent me this blog and I am so grateful that she did. I recently had a breakup with a friend and she pulled the ‘you’re a horrible friend to me’ card and made me feel awful. Looking at this I think I’d be able to clearly break down what our problems were and that it was for the best… So thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much!!!
This sounds almost exactly like an ex-friend of mine. She would deliberately and condescendingly bring up things she knew I was sensitive about in like 5 second long conversations.
“Hi! How are you?”
“Hi! Good! Have you paid off your landlord since you almost got evicted yet?”
“Uh…(cowering) No…? I’m working on it…I have a lot of other debts….it’s slow going…”
(This took place at full volume at WORK, btw.)
She did this ALL the time, like she was specifically looking for ways to feel superior to me in every single conversation. I always walked away from it feeling like shit, but never quite sure why.
She also was a whiner AND a hypochondriac. She had a complaint about everything under the sun (sometimes I think she just complained to fill the silence, it seemed like whenever there was a lull in conversation she would start rambling about something new she hated.) and would never take any health advice–she would prefer to drop hundreds of dollars to see a doctor on what was sometimes a weekly basis. And yet if I ever suggested she might need a vitamin or herb, she would go off on me about how natural remedies are ridiculous and fake. Sorry for trying to help you AND save you some money! (And no, I was never one of those pushy types about it.)
What finally happened with us is, we didn’t talk for a year. It dawned on me what a shitty friend she actually was (there were other things that happened between us, not just what I mentioned) , and I decided I didn’t want to be friends with someone like that. But, like you, I didn’t know how to break it off. I figured she’d get the picture eventually when I stopped responding to her nosy text messages. She took me off her twitter, and I thought she had finally gotten it, but one day she tried to engage me in conversation at work.
I tried my best to be civil, but I didn’t behave like I normally did. I answered her questions, but I didn’t ask her how she was, and I didn’t alter my course to speak with her longer. I got in the elevator and pushed my button and left her on the floor without saying goodbye. She texted me to see what was wrong because she “felt funny”, and I explained that she hadn’t been a good friend to me and I was no longer interested in remaining friends.
Of course, she offered me bullshit excuses and apologies, telling me how much she missed me and how “close” we had been. I told her her words didn’t change anything. She turned around and basically was like, “Well whatever I never liked you anyway.”
Fairweather friends are typically like that, I’ll find. It was stressful for like a day, but it’s been smooth sailing ever since. Good luck with whatever you choose!
I would tell her “We seem to be on different life paths, I am glad that we were companions for the shared parts of our journey and I do hope that your path is a happy one. I just can’t relate anymore to what is important to you. Can we call this a casual friendship? Such as running across each other be happy to see each other and then move on?”
I had to break up with a friend I’d known throughout secondary school. We were best friends, hung out together all the time etc. Then we finished our exams, I left to go to the local college and she stayed at the school for 6th Form. From that moment on I was the one trying to keep the friendship alive – she never phoned or texted, made hollow promises to meet up and never did, and when she did email on occasion it was entirely in text-speak which I could not read – I wrote back to explain that I couldn’t understand a word and would she mind re-writing it or give me a call instead, she never responded.
Sometimes we would bump into each other in town but any conversation would begin with her asking but one question – “Do you have a boyfriend?” to which the answer was often ‘no’ and all interest was lost, meaning the conversation was then all about her and her wonderful boyfriend. The one time I was able to answer ‘Yes, I do have a boyfriend’ her face just lit up and chatted excitedly about double-dates. Of course that never happened. These encounters always ended with vague ‘I’ll call you!’ promises that were never honoured.
A few years went by with no contact and I decided to try to rekindle the friendship. She was thrilled to hear from me and we made arrangements to see a film and go for coffee afterwards. I was really looking forward to seeing her and I arrive at the cinema on time – she turns up late with another woman and they are dressed like semi-goth clones of each other. I have no idea who this other woman is but the pair of them gossip throughtout the entire film, getting shushed at then asking me what was going on in the film. Afterwards they both go off without me as if I wasn’t even there.
I never bothered with her again. To be honest I should have seen it coming as she was very self-involved at school: only ever really talking about herself and it appeared I was the only willing audience.
I’ve had friends like this. If you are the one doing all the work? Just don’t bother to contact her. Obviously she doesn’t think that it’s that important to make time/effort/etc. for you, so why would you do the same in return? The former friendship will die a ‘natural’ death & you don’t need to worry about it all. If you run into her in the future, you are polite & don’t make any effort to engage (or promise to call). Good Luck!
Ya know, I really should do this to one of my high school friends. I am the flake. and for a good reason.. i can’t stand her anymore. So i just won’t make plans with her. she keeps trying and i haven’t figured out how to tell her i just don’t like you anymore
Wow…I’m having the same problem with a second cousin. She is my mother’s first cousin and is my mother’s age, but we have always been really close. Now, however, I realize she is just never gonna grow up and when we talk she always ask me about celebrity gossip, despite knowing I haven’t owned a TV in a year; or about family drama, which is constant in my family, but is no longer a part of my life so I couldn’t care less.
The problem is, I care about her and would still do anything for her as she would for me. But as I’ve matured and learned not to sweat the small stuff, I find most of her comments to be negative. I just don’t enjoy talking to her anymore and I have realized our conversations were either about negative things (family drama) or things I’m not longer interested in (celeb gossip). Now, when we talk it is mostly awkward silence.
I don’t know how to handle this situation because she has always been one of the few people I could count on in the family…
It’s hard when you grow apart from someone.
We WERE close at one point, and on the same page… but now I am seeing that
I’m growing away from her or vice versa.
I’m at the exact same place in a “friendship.” Thinking about breaking up with her 🙁
Let it fade out.
I hate confrontation.. so I’m not going to tell her: I don’t want to be your
friend because you’re mean and negative to me. I don’t want that spirit in
my life.
Hopefully she’ll find her own positivity and maybe we can be friends again
in the future
I’m trying to slowly let it die, and then she comes back with “You never talk to me anymore” when she also never talks to me anymore. What can you do?
I”ve never had to break up with a friend. She sounds like an insecure person who is unwilling to listen to her friends and value them as equals. With friends, the “fade out” usually works pretty well unless they are totally dense and clueless.
I am fading out as we speak. I just archive her emails.
Wow this is a problem I know a lot of people go through and I just don’t deal with it anymore. I especially hate #2. I just try to cut out these people from my life and I’m much happier and efficient! I hope you do the same 🙂
Do the latter–let it die from neglect. I had to break up with old friends both ways, and the latter is more civil… that way if you run into her in 3-5 yrs you can still chat, be polite and move on.
When I had to actually tell a former “friend” we were done, it was for the reasons that she verbally hurt me–gossipy, ol’ thing… YUCK! So, I did tell her that at that point our friendship was over forever. When she tried to reconnect a few years later, telling me she did not remember what happened to us, I told her that I was not willing to take the risk, although I had fully forgiven her and let go of things.
In other instances when old friends and I just drifted apart because we either moved away, married, had kids, etc., the break up happened organically, and we would still have a lovely conversation if we ever ran into each other.
Best of luck!
I have tried SO HARD to let it die from neglect. She keeps emailing and
doing all the things a good friend is supposed to do (birthdays, special
occasions), but we are just.. not… compatible.
Then it makes me feel guilty that she may not have any other friends 🙁
This certainly would make it so much harder, and might require a heart-to-heart. Maybe you should just tell her politely what bugs you, and if she can’t take it, then she will break up with you, which will alleviate all of the pressure of breaking up off you.
Trying being more vocal. When you speak with her and she says something negative, ask her, ” Why do you need to be so negative?” or “Why must you critisixe so much?” or let her know, that she didnt used to be like this what’s changed?
You either end up arguing and she and or you get better perspective or you and or her end the relationship.
So it either gets better or it becomes over, either way you kindof get some closure.
So far it seems like she’s been “letting go” and not contacting me any more… perhaps it’s because she’s left the country as well, which helps distance us.
Been there! It sucks.
Try to pull the fade – no point in hurting her feelings unless she forces you into it.
Oh god…I’m so so in the middle of this same situation. I really look forward to seeing how you handle it, because I’ve got no solution at the moment.
I find some people like to bring you down – just pure jealousy on their part. Whatever.
Don’t give up on the people who aren’t good at staying in touch though! I’m totally terrible at staying in touch with people I do care about and am forever grateful to the ones who are more extroverted that make the effort to stay close to me. It’s my darn tunnel vision, not that I don’t care about them.
I recently passively aggressively broke up with a friend by ignoring her facebook friend thingy. But I never ever go on the site anyway. For me, the breaking point was going on holiday with her and her family a couple of years ago and her making the trip a living hell for her family (and herself really) since she’s a manipulative type of hypochondriac that has depression issues as well. Part of me thought I *should* be sympathetic even though there’s nothing medically wrong with her other than an addiction to oxycontin, but I didn’t care enough to exert myself when there’s a thousand other people and causes in the world I could devote my time to. Besides, she usually only called me when she wanted her taxes done. 🙂
I’m not sure it’s jealousy to be honest. OR maybe it is and she isn’t admitting it?
Oh I always keep in touch with people who are randoms like me. I pop back in Toronto once in a blue moon, email everyone I want to see and say: SEE ME NOW!! 🙂
It usually works for us.
I also loathe friendships where they call you only because they want something. We have a friend like that too. Only calls for career help.
If I were you I’d let it die from neglect…just let her fade into the background, I guess.
And her problems? Remind me of something you’d find on http://www.whitewhine.com — ridiculous!
Oh no…Maybe I should send her that URL.
I recently broke up with a friend. I had to spell it out to her that we were over, but I think that’s an extreme case.
I would just let it die naturally. If she keeps coming back, then you should just tell her up front that you’re not interested in being friends anymore. That’s what I did.
I hate confrontation 🙁
How comfortable are you with confrontation? Do you think telling her that she’s lost your friendship and why would do anything positive for either of you? If so, send a link to this post. If you’re decidedly non-confrontational, then let it drift (as another commenter said, be “busy” or otherwise unavailable. Forever. Until she gets the hint.) I’ve done both. Neither is easy but the confrontational route gets it done faster and out of your head sooner, and there is something to be said for that.
Hate it. Hate confrontation. I know it’ll bring up more resentment, anger, questions..
I think just letting the relationship die is working so far.
I let the friendships that I’m not happy with die from neglect… It’s natural that you grow apart from different interests and location. They are my ‘Facebook friends’ tho 🙂
I would just keep your distance. Eventually, the communication will slow down and eventually not even be there. Or maybe just come out with it. Tell her that she is negative and you are tired of it. What’s the worst that could happen, she gets mad and ignores you. I think it’s a win-win! 🙂
I can say from experience that I had to break up with a friend recently and I tried to discuss the issue with her maturely but the convo did not go well. I also had to break up with a friend a few years ago that didn’t understand why I couldn’t hang out with her on her terms all the time. For the former, I wish I had let the friendship die naturally instead of trying to get her to see my POV because the way she abruptly stopped speaking to me after I laid out my issues with her showed me that she was never a friend to begin with. For the latter, I remember trying to contact her to see how she was doing and she ignored me. After that I never contacted her again.
I would say take the passive aggressive route and give her the cold shoulder. If she is still interested she will eventually want to know why you two have not been in touch and then you can have a talk (though I would keep the explanation to a minimum to keep the convo from taking a sour turn.) If she really is not that invested in the friendship, giving her the cold shoulder will only lead to you two going your separate ways.
About her French comment, I too have a tendency to stick my foot in my mouth (as most Sagittarius’ do) but the difference is that I am aware of when I am hurting someone who I care about and I will make an effort to recognize and address the situation (i.e., apologize.) Your ‘friend’ just sound super self-absorbent and until she comes down off of her cloud she will only be concerned about herself which makes for a lousy friendship.
I think with her leaving the country, it has helped. I can imagine “breaking up” with a friend not going as well as breaking up with my past boyfriends :
I just toss the friendship up in the air, I have or had friends which seems like I’m the one who bothered to make the effort to keep in touch, catch up on what we’ve been up to. I valued the friendship, and then I wonder why was it always me that initiates and organize meet ups. Even with benefit of the doubt that we are all busy with our lives, surely it’s not so hard to drop a simple line of ‘hey, how you been?’ on text or on facebook even! So, I decided to let them go from my life and I don’t think they’d even noticed, fades to black.
This one is tenacious. She keeps emailing every year, like she has a note in her blackberry to tell her to do so.
Life is short and all that stuff, you know? And if your time is dear you want to spend it with people who lift you, people you respect. It is possible to be friends with people who see things differently to you, but only if you both respect one another. I don’t know the reasons, I’ve not read the background, but for whatever reason I would say you don’t respect your friend anymore. From what you’ve written about her, it doesn’t sound as though she’s very emotionally mature. On the other hand, from what you’ve written, being with her doesn’t exactly bring out the best in you either.
I don’t know if it matters whether you let the relationship die from neglect or whether you actually tell her you don’t feel you have much in common any longer, but if you don’t find that respect for her again I’m pretty certain you shouldn’t waste your time trying to be friends. Personally, I’d lean towards the neglect approach, being as how a confrontation might end up being more hurtful to her, but also because I’m a big chicken, too.
Life IS short. Too short to feel negative and bad about yourself all the time.
I’m surprised at all of the “be passive aggressive” responses. Really? Would you want someone to do that to you? This woman was once a good friend of yours, right? Doesn’t she deserve better than that?
If you’ve never had a sit down with her, then you should. Cold shouldering her is not the answer.
I know but I hate confrontation! 🙁
This is tough. I would keep my distance and if she questions it, let her know you feel you’re on different paths and you wish her every happiness. Don’t assign any blame or point fingers, it will just breed negativity and you never know when she might come into your life again.
I read your original post on her and have to say….blame the parents. Seriously, just handing this girl all that money while she does nothing? It looks like that was a huge factor in how she turned out.
I have a lot of peers who are children of Big Money. Most work damn hard, harder than the average person. It’s drilled into them from the start. One friend “crossed the line” with his father when he went and bought a Ferrari with his first earnings, even though he had plenty of savings already. He was shamed into selling it and investing instead. Honestly, he probably wouldn’t have to work for the rest of his life, and still maintain his lifestyle. But each generation of that family is always thinking of the next (even if he is single and uses up women faster than Kleenex).
They just have a lot of money and not much in terms of expectations… at least, that’s what I feel.
I have a few friends like that. They’re better in small doses. 🙂 During college we had more in common but now that I live far away we talk on the phone every now and then to catch up. An hour-long conversation is plenty!
What I’m trying to say is: don’t do anything. You might want to be closer friends again one day. Or maybe not. But it’s definitely not worth your nerves to be direct about it. It’s only worth it when there’s a stalker situation or an abusive relationship or something when you need to cut them out of your life permanently and immediately.
Oh and if she ever says, “You’re not a good friend, you never call me anymore,” just say, “Yeah, I know, I’ve been so busy lately. And anyway, what about you! You never call me either. Hahaha!” Make it a joke and turn the tables. See what she says. It was hard for me to learn to be more aggressive in protecting my feelings but you gotta do what you gotta do!
I haven’t done anything yet!
I tried to take her in small doses.. but every. single. time. it turns into a negative, pity-me party on the phone.
I can’t imagine what I would do in that situation, though I know what I like to think I would do:
Explain that you are about to put yourself out there and be blunt without being accusatory (because that’s so easy to do 😉 ). Then something like “I get the feeling that you feel this way too: our friendship hasn’t been what it once was.” Then find some way to say how your conversations have been out of sync and leaving you feeling off-put.
Another choice is to stop biting your tongue. I’m not saying you should snap at her, just stand up for yourself without putting her down. I don’t know what your personality is like in real-time interactions but I imagine that through your work you’ve developed a skill at being firm while also being non-aggressive. If she can’t handle you standing up for yourself then a friendship with her really is a “toxic asset”.
Aaand With all that said in real life I would probably go the non-confrontational route and just let it run its course and fizzle out. It sounds like she isn’t feeling all lovey-dovey about this friendship anymore either. And life is too short to spend spending time with people who make you feel down about yourself – especially for someone as successful and justifiably confident about that success as you are.
Die from neglect. It’s not worth the trouble. If you confront her on the issues, she may try to convince you to change your mind, which is awkward. Or she may be a huge drama queen about it, and if you have mutual friends, this could get messy. And this person doesn’t sound like she’s worth the effort.
Honestly the problems you have with G don’t sound THAT bad, annoying yet, but not horrendous. So I think it’s more that the friendship has run its course and you don’t want to bother anymore, rather than the fact that she has some deal-breaking characteristic for a friend – not that there’s anything wrong with not wanting to try anymore with a friend, you want what you want and it’s better to be honest than to fake it.
I would just let the friendship fizzle out naturally. I don’t think friendships need the same kind of definitive break like a romantic relationship. Like Maz said, G probably wouldn’t understand anyway if you explained to her your reasons. No need to invite more drama.
I have to agree; the problems you have seem rather petty. As I was reading your post all I could think about was ‘what a typical girl’. Bad friends hit on your significant other, stand you up, purposefully don’t answer your calls, gossip about you etc. So what if you have or don’t have a french-canadian accent. She likes spa’s, can’t you go to the spa one day and go f-off and do your own thing? I think your friendship has come and gone which is normal. I think you don’t want to be friends with her anymore and you are struggling for excuses to break it off. It’s okay to let friends go, they came into your life for a reason but now it’s time to move on.
That’s true! I think I just don’t want to be friends with her any more, but I feel bad because we WERE good friends.
That conversation was just one of many by the way. She’s made other comments in the past that were even worse than that.. which I won’t go into.
Although.. I should note that I find it kind of sad that you think “What a typical girl” when you read that conversation.
I’m not like that at all (clearly, as I don’t want to be friends with her any longer), and I’m a girl, so what does that say about me?I have plenty of other friends who are absolutely nowhere close to being the way she is to me, which is probably why I have a higher standard of friendship in terms of kindness and being connected to them.I don’t feel that kinship with her any more and none of my friends are THAT negative.
I would let the friendship die its death… naturally … no need to explain why you feel the friendship is not worth keeping, she probably would not understand anyway. If you try to explain, she’ll probably resent you whereas if you just stop contacting her, she’ll have an “intact” memory of you and no resentment (does that make any sense?).
BTW, a French Canadian accent sounds OK. Most people in France don’t like the Belgium or Swiss accents. The Rs are too pronounced by the Belgian ( right from the throat ) and the Swiss speak… slow (well, at least it seems slow to a native French speaker anyway).
Congratulation on having mastering the French language, I still haven’t master English ( & I don’t think I ever will ).
I would cut it off in a way that’s clear. In the situations I’ve been in where ending friendships was necessary (and boy, do I relate to what you just wrote!), the other person just will not get it. I did the entire be too busy thing, and I was chided for not having enough time for these two people and not calling them; email, phone, etc. works both ways. In retrospect, it would’ve been easier and fairer just to end it ASAP; I ended up having to email the people that we were no longer friends.
If you don’t want to tell her she’s been a poor friend, I would just say the friendship isn’t working for you any more and has not for awhile. Maybe say you two are on different paths. I avoided explaining why I specifically want out. I thought the conversation would be a waste of my time, because the other people thought they were perfect; prior conflicts with these people showed that they were not up for a critique of how they behave as friends. My goal was to get out of the friendship, not help the person become better.
As a society, we act like friendship are and should be forever. We all grow, and we all grow in different ways, at different rates. It doesn’t make sense that a friendship that work in high school should work 10 years down the line. Neither should one in college.
I completely empathise with you. Your description in that linked post, ha! Sounds exactly like the same tone and negativity as the people that were in my life.
I discovered since I left school that the majority of my friends from school were incredibly toxic, and we mostly had nothing in common other than the school we attended. The first year out, I simply stopped keeping in touch. However, there’d eventually would be events where everyone was all together. I got blamed for not keeping in touch with everyone. Fair enough, so I gave it another try. Didn’t work. Same negativity and feeling really unhappy with these people and myself whenever we spent time.I went back to neglecting the friendships till they died out… which I feel pretty horrible about. I couldn’t see any other way though, as these people were so toxic and always made me feel rubbish. They blamed me even for things like having different interests – hello, why is it a one way street? Part of the problem is also that I’m the one who’s always been different, so it’s very much a ‘them’ vs ‘me’ mentality. Silly thing is, I still feel bad about how things turned out, and I worry about bumping into these people again. I’ve been asking the same question of how to end such friendships.
As for your girl, I think it would be worth having that talk with her to explain your decision. Although it is okay for people to lead different lives and grow apart, her sort of behaviour and attitude isn’t beneficial for anybody. Hopefully your honesty would be an eye-opener for her. That’s my two cents 😉 best of luck, whatever you do!
Something I’m guilty of is feeling like I have to be friends with somebody permanently, even if they drive me crazy. I have one friend that cuts me down, makes catty remarks about everything I do and have, and is super rude all the time. On top of that, before I started dating my current boyfriend, she slept with every guy I liked.
I find if you keep on being busy, it will eventually die out and you’ll only see her once in awhile for coffee and stuff.
I love Being Erica (they are actually filming this week at the field/park across the street from us!).
As for the friendship, I find they die out naturally. If she isn’t making an effort to talk to you (phone, email, etc) then I don’t think it will go anywhere anyways. I find I often have to make an effort to contact people, but I think it’s because I don’t have a cell, so they can’t send me text messages as easily as they can each other. In some cases, relationships I don’t care about just fizzle out since neither of us makes an effort and it’s natural for relationships to end. I agree with CommonCents – if you run into her, chat as you would any acquaintance, but don’t schedule any firm plans with her. Just have one of those “I hope you’re well, blah blah blah, small talk chit chat” type of conversations.
Yeah.. no cellphone = hard 🙂 Then again, I have a cellphone and almost never pick it up or turn on…
I think the solution is to be busy… for a very long time. Drift and if you bump into her well be pleasant maybe go for coffee, but still be busy!
What if you did speak with a French Canadian accent? What if you had an American accent when you speak English? Is there any problem with not having a British accent when you speak English?
I think you should focus on the fact you speak 2 (or more) languages. More power to you. So what if you have any kind of accent?
No my point was more that SHE had a problem with my accent rather than
celebrating the fact that I know 2 languages now.
She zoomed in and focused on criticizing my speaking ability, rather than
just the fact that I could speak it at all.