I was watching an episode of Sex and the City the other day called “A Woman’s Right to Shoes“, when Carrie goes to her friend Kira’s child’s birthday party, has to take off her gorgeous silver Manolo Blahniks and place them by the door by request of the family.
CreditWhen she goes to leave, she realizes that someone stole her shoes!
And when she tries to basically ask for the money from her friend, as it was not her choice to remove her shoes at the party, her friend shamed her for spending $500 on a pair of shoes, saying “We can’t afford that Carrie. We have bills to pay and a family to feed.”
Then the episode goes on to angrily protest the unfair treatment of single women in society.
In the end, Carrie registers under her own name, to be married to herself, and sends the registry to Kira, who ends up paying for the pair of shoes that was originally stolen from her home.
CreditShe’s right!
Single women, don’t get presents for being single, and being committed to themselves, for example.
And in gay marriages are still not widely acknowledged or accepted.
It got me thinking about all the different events that everyone seems to be expected to shell out for these days because of all of these life events.
I even had this conversation with Debt Free Babe via email once. Check out her mini rant here.
Just by a very bare minimum estimation here….. (some areas might be $0, some might cost more)
Engagement: $400
- Engagement Party to congratulate the couple: $100
- Bridal Shower to shower presents on the bride: $100
- Stagette for her last night out, but it can also be a trip to NYC for example: $200
- Spend time organizing all of that, paying for the food, etc
Wedding: $1500
- Wedding Attendance (sometimes you pay a flight ticket & a hotel to attend): $800
- Wedding Gift from Registry, for a $5000 silver set that they will never use but will return for the money: $300
- Bridesmaid Dress/Hair/Makeup/Shoes/Accessories — if you are one by choice or not: $400
- Spending time helping put together invitations, find florists, etc
Birth of a Baby/Babies: $1150
- Baby Shower: $100
- Each baby’s birthday until they turn… 21?: $50 x 21 = $1050
Divorce(s) (true!): $100
- I-am-getting-divorced parties each time someone gets divorced: $100
Total = $3150 per couple you know that got married and divorced and assuming they only have one child
Note: could be more or less. They may not get divorced, may have more kids, and/or not all the events above.
I am not saying that I DO NOT want to shell out for any of it, I am just marveling at what we are all expected to pay for, all the time, for these events of other people’s lives, when we are trying to pay our own bills.
It’s like those who are able to get legally married, have babies or what have you, are going to get more gifts and presents than those who choose not to, or cannot.
And some people expect you to send a gift of money or something ANYWAY, even if you don’t show up to the event or party, or are just casual friends!
Credit
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I figure that I’m SOL by the time I get married. I’ve been doing the bridal shower, bachelorette night, wedding, housewarming, baby shower, baby birth, baby’s first, etc. since ’94. WAY TOO MUCH money. With rare exception I don’t do the gift thing for my friends’ kids after their first b-day. I decline engagement party invites that come with gift registry information. It’s getting out of hand, really. Engagement parties? Multiple showers? Enough already!
I think one theory may be that everyone feels entitled to people “paying
them back” for all the gifts THEY had to pay for others….
In my personal opinion, a friend would be happy with your warm wishes and acknowledgement of the occassion. I personally think it is wrong to expect people to buy something for all the various occasions that arise.
I loved that episode. It is so true. If you are single you get nothing, but have to spend a ridiculous amount of money for baby gifts and wedding gifts. What if I never get married or have children? I want to get something too!!!
When I was engaged/getting married, I tried to be very careful not to “ask for” expensive things. We didn’t have an engagement party. I did have two bridal showers, thrown by family members, but they were pretty small and I only put small items on my registry before then to try to encourage small gifts…and I didn’t add anything expensive for our wedding. We were planning on moving halfway across the country anyway, so I tried to encourage gift cards (Target). I know that might sound tacky to some people, but honestly, would you rather move fragile dishes or a plastic giftcard across the country? I asked my bridesmaids for an honest dress budget, bought them jewelry to wear as gifts, and told them to wear whatever shoes they wanted and do their hair/makeup however they wanted.
But I’ve also been thinking about this, on a smaller scale, lately at work. It seems like every week, someone is having a “big” birthday, getting a paper finally published, moving away, winning an award, or having a baby (well his wife was having a baby)…and just about every week our lab manager is saying “there’s an envelope in my drawer for $ for ___”. At least it’s anonymous, but even if I only do $5-10 each time, that adds up quickly on a grad student stipend. Not to mention the expensive dinners out for birthdays and such (which I frequently don’t attend, because I’m sorry, we are not that close that I can spend $50 for dinner for your birthday)…
That’s the other thing — work stuff. I get hit up at work EVERY TIME. Then
again, I keep switching clients, but the sentiment is the same.
They have people retiring I don’t even know, or birthdays, or charities for
chocolate I won’t eat.. I mean, I feel awful NOT participating but this is
not something I’m a part of, having only been there for a week and leaving
in 3 months.
First of all – what the hell is a pre-engagement party? Either you are, or you’re not. Period. If you can’t decide, I’m certainly not celebrating your indecision. You might as well throw a “Let’s live in sin for another year” party!
But in defence of brides many parties are planned by friends and family who want to give them. Beg and insist to throw you parties. Whether you want them or not. I had an engagement party because friends of my parents really wanted to.
I didn’t invite any friends.
I had a bridal brunch with family instead of a shower (after my sister threw a fit when I told her she could not throw me a shower). I had no one I wanted to invite. All my friends know I don’t get along with my sister. Token gifts were given. Small gift cards and books about marriage. That kind of thing.
But I did invite a few people to my wedding whom I hadn’t seen in years. They were people whom I wanted to keep in touch with, but hadn’t. We reconnected over that invite and now we are friends again. I didn’t invite them for the gift.
I now take an approached suggested by a friend. I set a budget for a person’s wedding gifts. The more parties you have where I am expected to bring a gift, the cheaper the gifts.
True, but I also think the brides sometimes either tell you — NO GIFTS OR
MONEY. Just come and have a good time, you’re flying all the way out for my
wedding (or not).
Whereas others tell you — This is where I’m registered [and I’m expecting X
amount of money spent]
I don’t have a problem with the registry idea. There’s always such a wide variety of prices that there’s sure to be something they need that’s within budget. Also, some showers have group gift options (which I love), because then even if I can only give $5, it’ll go towards a bigger expensive item that no practical person can afford by themselves, and I still feel like I’ve been able to help out my friend. Either that or I’ll find a few friends and we’ll create our own group gift in order to cut down the cost. I’m in the time of life where all of my friends are getting married, and soon everyone will be having babies, but I don’t think you have to go overboard and spend a ton of money on someone. Also, for people who have been living in a dorm for 4 or 5 years (or even in an apartment or house at school), they may still not have the basics like pots and dishes. I’ve had roommates that already had all of that stuff, so in order to live on my own I’d either need to buy it all myself or hope someone would give them to me. On a post-grad entry level income, that may not be possible.
Oh also, if I get invited to multiple parties and/or showers, the couple still only gets one gift. I’ve never felt obligated to bring one to every event.
I don’t have a problem with the registry idea. There’s always such a wide variety of prices that there’s sure to be something they need that’s within budget. Also, some showers have group gift options (which I love), because then even if I can only give $5, it’ll go towards a bigger expensive item that no practical person can afford by themselves, and I still feel like I’ve been able to help out my friend. Either that or I’ll find a few friends and we’ll create our own group gift in order to cut down the cost. I’m in the time of life where all of my friends are getting married, and soon everyone will be having babies, but I don’t think you have to go overboard and spend a ton of money on someone. Also, for people who have been living in a dorm for 4 or 5 years (or even in an apartment or house at school), they may still not have the basics like pots and dishes. I’ve had roommates that already had all of that stuff, so in order to live on my own I’d either need to buy it all myself or hope someone would give them to me. On a post-grad entry level income, that may not be possible.
Oh also, if I get invited to multiple parties and/or showers, the couple still only gets one gift. I’ve never felt obligated to bring one to every event.
I don’t have a problem with the registry idea. There’s always such a wide variety of prices that there’s sure to be something they need that’s within budget. Also, some showers have group gift options (which I love), because then even if I can only give $5, it’ll go towards a bigger expensive item that no practical person can afford by themselves, and I still feel like I’ve been able to help out my friend. Either that or I’ll find a few friends and we’ll create our own group gift in order to cut down the cost. I’m in the time of life where all of my friends are getting married, and soon everyone will be having babies, but I don’t think you have to go overboard and spend a ton of money on someone. Also, for people who have been living in a dorm for 4 or 5 years (or even in an apartment or house at school), they may still not have the basics like pots and dishes. I’ve had roommates that already had all of that stuff, so in order to live on my own I’d either need to buy it all myself or hope someone would give them to me. On a post-grad entry level income, that may not be possible.
Oh also, if I get invited to multiple parties and/or showers, the couple still only gets one gift. I’ve never felt obligated to bring one to every event.
Sorry about the multiple identical posts… internet was being stupid :/
Yikes FB, that’s even worse when you don’t actually know the people and will be gone soon. I guess I sort of felt that way when I was brand new, for the first person that was graduating. But at least the birthdays and awards and such are for people I know and see every day!
Well the problem is also that I make friends with people.. so even if you
only know them for a week or a month, it gets stickily awkward to refuse to
give them something for their birthday. :
Also thinking back, I remember I didn’t think it was necessary to have a big graduation party (for high school or college). All my high school friends had huge parties, and of course, I felt compelled to give them all something. I ended up making a door hanger (“Do Not Disturb”) with their name on it in their new college’s colors. Plus $20. I guess I spent a lot for every friend. Didn’t “make” much money then, since I didn’t have a party where everyone was invited.
I guess in the long run, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t want people to feel they have to give me gifts. It’s when family and friends WANT to give me gifts that I really appreciate it.
I think about that a lot. Especially when I realize I’m spending a lot of money to fly out to friends’ weddings, buy gifts for them, etc. I don’t mind giving gifts as much as spending money to travel for a short weekend. But with friends getting married, and some having kids, I do realize I spend a decent amount of money on people that aren’t my immediate family, best friends, or boyfriend.
To be honest, I’m sort of want to get married sooner rather than later so I can start “making back” the gifts I’ve given. Yes, I’m horrible. And I also know I’ll probably spend a lot more on a wedding than I’ll get in gifts, since I don’t think you can get married on the cheap anymore these days.
I’m just happy all of my friends are finally married. It was getting REALLY expensive being in three consecutive weddings as a matron of honor. Now everyone is having kids, so it’s more gifts, but not quite as bad.
Haha..do what Koreans do. Make a mental note of what people gave you for your wedding/baby shower, etc. (for Koreans, the gift is usually $) and give back the same amount. We call it a no interest loan. LOL
Blame it on the media. A lot of our societal norms are heavily influenced by the media. Sex nd the City seemed like one big commercial for NYC and designer clothing. I knew college girls buying 500 dollar purses. Just like Carrie. It seemed really normal to know girls who frequently compared their own lives and their friendships to the 4 girls.
Same for reality TV shows like the housewives series. It is all marketing.
One thing about North American culture, your profession and your posessions make up a significant part of your identity. If you allow it to be.
I agree with that sentiment. I enjoyed watching SATC and the whole series,
but it did seem very unrealistic to me that she’d be a writer in the heart
of NYC being able to afford such a large apartment and buy all of these
things.
Then again, I also told myself: That’s TV, not real life. 🙂
True. You were smart enough to know this, a lot believes that writing an article a week in a local paper can actually pay for a condo on the upper east side. Complete with a home office and all the time in the middle of the day to spend with friends. Life isn’t that simple 🙂 In the real world i.e.
If only it were real life 🙂 But they do mention she has credit card debt,
although it doesn’t seem to be a big deal in her life, or she manages to
squeak by some how… :
Also, she managed to hobnob with a lot of rich guys/successful/famous which
is ALSO unrealistic.
America is veeeeeeeeery strange place.
As far as I’m aware, out of that list, we only celebrate weddings. Well, ok really rich people might also throw some fancy engagement parties as well, but these people are generally the ones we all love to read about in tabloid magazines 😛
I think I was once invited to a house warming, of a high school classmate (she moved with her mom), and I didn’t go because I got scared listening to all the girls talk about what gifts they’d bring her.
I cannot begin to tell you the baby parties, housewarmings, bachelorettes…
it’s insane how much goes into the “planning” of a wedding. Even rehearsal
dinners were an “event” that we were asked to attend and bring a gift. WTF!
Rehearsal dinners? Why would you bring a gift for that? That’s when the bride and groom are expected to be giving the gifts to the wedding party, not receiving additional gifts!
I KNOW!!!!!!
It was insanity. Rehearsal, pre-engagement, engagement, wedding.. they were
trying to milk it, and they even invited ME, someone they hadn’t talked to
in years before this.
First of all – what the hell is a pre-engagement party? Either you are, or you’re not. Period. If you can’t decide, I’m certainly not celebrating your indecision. You might as well throw a “Let’s live in sin for another year” party!
But in defence of brides many parties are planned by friends and family who want to give them. Beg and insist to throw you parties. Whether you want them or not. I had an engagement party because friends of my parents really wanted to.
I didn’t invite any friends.
I had a bridal brunch with family instead of a shower (after my sister threw a fit when I told her she could not throw me a shower). I had no one I wanted to invite. All my friends know I don’t get along with my sister. Token gifts were given. Small gift cards and books about marriage. That kind of thing.
But I did invite a few people to my wedding whom I hadn’t seen in years. They were people whom I wanted to keep in touch with, but hadn’t. We reconnected over that invite and now we are friends again. I didn’t invite them for the gift.
I now take an approached suggested by a friend. I set a budget for a person’s wedding gifts. The more parties you have where I am expected to bring a gift, the cheaper the gifts.
That’s kind of ridiculous! That said, I keep getting invited for “buck and does” (something you missed on that list!), for people I haven’t seen in 8 years (not since high school). They seem to be more smaller town things, but we’ve had a few invitations here, too (not just from people in my home town). No, I don’t want to spend $20 – $150 for the night to fund your wedding coffers, play games, and drink booze. Thanks, but no thanks. I am most certainly not planning one of those – if I wouldn’t want to go to them, why would I want to offer one for my friends??
I’m happy to give gifts to celebrate my friend’s marriages and babies, but I do resent buck and does. Last one I went to was a constant fundraising drive (buy these special drinks! buy more raffle tickets!). Both the bride and groom earn far more than I do (and I’m single), so I felt like I was being asked to help fund their wedding rather than share in their celebration.
Wow. That’s exactly it. I’m happy to share in the day but not cover their
expensive tastes….
This is generally a shift in culture and perhaps a
difference in local cultures. I first
when to a fund raising jack and jill in college.
After being rather miffed, I realized
in a small place, such an event would actually be a lot of fun. The bride a groom throw a little party that
gets people out having fun and you spend a little money which helps them out. When parties and public events are rare and
restaurants are one of a few local places, it makes sense. That’s a part of community like church
suppers.
But in a bigger city or town, it’s a burden. Some traditions don’t transfer. I think couples should think about this
instead of just going with what their families have always done.
I thought rehearshal dinners were to… rehearse the speeches one has to give during the wedding… 😮
I think it’s to rehearse the wedding itself, like who stands where, what
happens during the ceremony and so on
Yes, something like that. Then again, I only heard of rehearsal dinners, from movies. In conclusion: why do you give gifts during rehearsal dinners? 😮 Weird people…
That said thoug, I like the idea of giving gifts to people. Provided of course, I can find the right reason for said gift.
Haha, I think this will not be hard at all. Divorce is already a trend nowadays.
Single people are guilty of this behavior too. I’ve been invited to “housewarmings” with extremely extravagant registries…and then the person moves an year or two later, and bam, it’s another housewarming with a fancy Williams-Sonoma registry!
People put registries together for housewarmings now??? Geez, I was just happy that people showed up to hang out and eat the food I made.
Ditto. I’d be so excited people came to eat my food LOL!
thirded! But, our group doesn’t do house warming parties for gifts. It’s more for a party. At least that’s how it works while we’re all renters. I guess when they buy a house it might change. For now it’s bring snacks or alcohol for the potluck nature of it.
Since I move 19 times a year, do I get 19 housewarming parties? 😉
If you’re throwing the housewarming party…hell yes! Invite your friends over! 😉
Just think at all the money you “save”, though, by not spending it on having a wedding, having a kid, getting divorced… unless, of course, you’re planning to do some of those later, in which case then you’ll probably get your turn.
That said, the most I’ve paid for a wedding gift was about $50 and I’ve paid less, too. But then I don’t come from a high cost of living area. My husband and I got a lot of $20 gifts for our wedding and we were genuinely appreciative for every one. $20 would have more than “covered” anyone’s plate and we had a sit down dinner reception.
(On a related note, I can’t imagine spending $100 per person on a wedding reception. I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just that I’ve only had maybe a couple dinners with my husband where we spent more than that for the two of us together. A lot of weddings around here are really simple, often catered by family or the nearest BBQ place. I’ve been to a couple expensive weddings elsewhere but, to be honest, it was the cheap ones that were a lot more fun and memorable. I think people were less stressed about paying for everything and keeping up with the Joneses.)
I am much happier at a BBQ eating ribs than at a fancy sit down dinner with
salmon in high heels 😉
I was always told $100/head so I stuck to that rule… but I’m also the type
of person who doesn’t go to every wedding, so when I do go, I figure I make
up for it by giving more to the ones I’d really want to attend for real
friends, not ones fishing for presents or money.
I was trying to convince my fiance we could save money and have a BBQ dinner (plus it would be delicious – who wouldn’t want ribs, burgers, steak, and I guess bbg chicken??) He doesn’t like that idea though. Sigh
I would LOVE BBQ everything.
I guess he wants a sit down then? With fancy salmon and salads? 🙂
haha he wants a sit-down but we can’t afford the fancy salmon and salads! We’ve got about a $40/plate budget that we’re working with (granted, we supply drinks, so that doesn’t have to be included in the overall price), and once people realize the type of affair, it seems like it’s even more expensive. I think we’re going with the chicken and roast beef option (I’m really hopeful that I can also get a cheese tortellin in an alfredo sauce option too – I have a friend that doesn’t eat meat and the tomato sauce makes her ill). We did rent a historic house, so I can kind of see his point, but wouldn’t burgers be delicious? I also feel like it would be less stuffy!
Regardless, it’s not like we’re going all out on this thing 😛
Funny enough, I was planning two bridal showers just before I read this! I don’t mind celebrating big events in people’s lives, such as a marriage or a having a baby; but I draw the line at giving a gift to celebrate a divorce or blatant money gift/grabs like a baby shower for a second child. On average, I spend $75-100 on a wedding gift by myself or go in on a big gift with my family an contribute about $50. For baby showers, $30 and I usually make a blanket or something.
Around here, we often have community showers for local brides. A jar or two is put out in local stores and people often contribute $5-$10 and then that money is used for a community gift. I usually contribute, because I have the means to, and I want to wish the person well. I don’t hold the fact that as a single gal and I’m not getting any gifts against anyone who is getting married or having a kid. I see giving a gift as a way of saying congratulations and best wishes. I think the key is to give within your means and if you can’t or don’t want to, don’t. If the person can’t understand that, well, they probably don’t deserve a gift in the first place.
especially since people wait more to get married and usually live together first, i don’t see why their registries are so extensive! don’t you already have this stuff? back in the day it made more sense for big registries, since people moved from their parents’ home to their own home. i’ve been lucky since my friends’ registries are pretty modest. i have based my gift decision on how much i think the person needs it (the couples’ occupations, where they are in their lives). i wish i could do what carrie did and make a registry for myself! but nobody celebrates being single.
I wonder if it’ll become a trend 🙂
Single people unite!
If that was me having the party and I knew someone had very valuable footwear, first of all I would of offered to put them in a safe place. Secondly, I would be seriously embarassed if someone at a party of mine stole someone else’s shoes and would of gone out of my way to talk to my guests and figure out what happened. That’s just common courtesy to me.
Well the episode was a bit exaggerated 🙂 But I do agree. I’d do the same..
knowing they’re expensive shoes, I’d put them in my closet and close the
door but only if I didn’t know people at my party and they may run a chance
of being stolen.
You’ve got to wonder what sort of people your friend invited over if they are the type of people to steal shoes!
I remember that episode – it was good at showing both sides of the argument I think. I dunno…if you can afford expensive shoes and still meet your other responsibilities, why not? As to all the gifting that is ‘required’ I don’t go to many weddings, showers, etc. these days (more funerals, unfortunately). I think the point of gifts at weddings and births is to help a family establish a home, provide for a baby, etc. I did a lot of that in my younger days and for a while, when it became apparent that I wouldn’t have children, I really resented all the baby parties. It seems as though lately – or perhaps it’s more amongst your friends – the expectation is to somehow make a haul – even increase one’s net worth through these gifts / contributions. Frankly, if my friends felt that way, I’d find new ones. When Bill and I got married I not only didn’t want gifts, I didn’t want guests. It being my 3rd time around, I felt it was simply a legal procedure that concerned the two of us and no one else. He chose to have his three children and their partners, plus his sister and hers. We had a total of 6 wedding guests and we all went out for a nice meal that evening and then the next day acted like nothing at all happened…
I love that your wedding was so simple and wonderful 🙂
I do agree that if you are really a brand new, poor couple starting out at
the age of 19 (back when people married in their teens or early 20s), then
you literally have NOTHING. You don’t live together, your parents paid for
the wedding but the gifts from guests are yours to keep to start the life.
But today’s modern couples live together beforehand (like BF and I) and we
not only have everything, we also have our own careers and money, so we
don’t need anything!
I couldn’t agree with you more! I have 4 weddings this year alone! Not to mention all the friends who are popping out babies. And I feel like it all comes at the same time. Tis the season. I had to draw the line this year with a friends wedding I am in. We threw her engagement party ($350 each), her bachelorette party ($500 each) and told the other friends not in the wedding to throw the shower she insists on having. I am spent. There needs to be a rule created….. you can have an engagement party but no shower or vice versa, no divorce parties…that’s just called being single and free. I’m putting my foot down!!! Good info. Thanks!
Why were the parties so much??!! As a bride to be, I can’t imagine the parties costing that much!
That said, I’m not doing an engagement party (and that’s supposed to be the couple, anyways), and if there is a shower, I know my mom would want to host (based on my brother). But the bachelorette party? $500? That seems ridiculous! Did you guys go away for an entire weekend??
That was what it cost to cover the trip, yes.
The bride wanted to go away for the weekend to mammoth and go snowboarding. Even if you didn’t snowboard you still walked away spending close to $300 all said and done. With this particular situation, the family’s are all on the east coast and this couples friends are their family (so to speak) so all the friends felt obligated. No matter how you look at it, who wants to be the one that says I am not participating! It’s just an uncomfortable situation to be in.
Wow that is uncomfortable. I always worry about whether or not people can
afford things (I mean, if I were the bride I would). Maybe it’s because I’m
way more sensitive to money now that I’m a PF’er.
That’s definitely frustrating. I’ve been in that situation as the only one that says I’m not participating, but it’s probably much more difficult when you’re in the bridal party and the bride really wants to do this.
I can see how she probably thought, “this will be awesome – we can all get together for the weekend, why would anyone NOT want to come”, but $300 – $500 is still a lot, and I would mentally be cringing if I did go along with it, and hoping I felt like I got my money’s worth.
That said, I’ll be happy if we go paint pottery or do a dance class together since people seem to be on me about having to do a bachelorette party (I was going to just skip it – I don’t see the point; I can get together with friends anytime, whether I’m married or not).
My friend said to me: Girl.. I have to ask. Are you going to be pregnant any
time soon because everyone around me is either getting engaged, married,
pregnant or whatever and I’m running low on time and $$ 😛
Let’s not forget the second and sometimes third wedding a person will have in their lifetime. I have to pay for that too?!
Scenarios where gifting is deserved:
-You’ve manged to stay married for 10+ years
-You’ve raised a child who has not been incarcerated
Right now I am literally in hiding from my neighbor who just had a baby. I skipped the baby shower because I was out of town and the icy reaction I got from her family was just amazing. Mind you within 18 months there was an engagement party, 25th Birthday, wedding and now baby. Before you know it there will be a Christening and first birthday and even perhaps baby #2. Mind you I’ve gotten a B.A. and M.S. degree and didn’t even get a verbal congratulations.
I am Catholic and the month of May is Holy Communion time. I have been scorned for not purchasing a plane ticket to witness this momentous family occasion of two kids who will probably never attend mass regularly.
I’ve realized that saving for yourself = selfish to others.
Since I am climbing myself out of debt perhaps I should have a Debt Reduction Party? That’ll help my situation a great deal.
That’s where I noted the divorce parties too 🙂
Wow.. that is really crazy how many events there are!!! I agree that saving
for yourself seems selfish to others because they don’t see all the people
and events in your life.
At our wedding we said no presents and did not want any.I loathe bridal registries,it is so assumptive and pointless, when you get to the stage of buying a couple ” silver salt and pepper shakers”. I don'[t think anything should be expected.I once had a mate who had 7 pre-wedding parties ! I went to one and asked not to be invited to any more. Invitiess were expected to buy a present for each, including the extra wedding gift—- yeah right ! Great post.
SEVEN!?!?!?!?!
That is just taking it to the extreme. They look greedy…
I have a friend who is having 3 bridal showers: One where she lives/works, one in Boston, and one where her family lives/the wedding will be. I was invited to the one in D.C. where she works, but I couldn’t make it because I live in Boston. But I wasn’t invited to the Boston one because I wasn’t part of her or 2 other friends of ours’ bridal parties. Oh well. She’ll get a gift from me when we go to her wedding at the end of the month. I guess I don’t mind giving the gifts as much as having to spend a lot to fly out there.
I’m so glad someone wrote about this. I’m overwhelmed with weddings, wedding showers, baby showers and all kinds of events these days as all my friends are getting married and having babies. I’ve received a few wedding invitations that specifically request ‘monetary gifts’ and even when they have a destination wedding, they still expect gifts!
I’m not sure exactly where or how to draw the line without pissing people off, but it’s inevitable.
If I don’t go to the event, I don’t get a gift unless it’s a very VERY close
friend or family member.
I’m at the age where friends are/have gotten married. I don’t attend bridal showers (unless it’s a very close friend), nor do I give gifts the shower event. I honestly see it as a huge cash grab. However, when I do attend the wedding, I usually go by the rule of thumb as $50 – $75 per person.
I recently found out that my friends all gave about $200 – $350 for a gift to one of my friends who recently got married. I have no idea how they can give that much…. that’s my rent for the month(!).
I always thought it was $100/head! That’s what someone told me, and that’s
what I gave (to cover my meal and “cost”)… although we also did have to
fly to the city and stay in a hotel, so I factored that in, and gave $200
total for BF and I but keeping in mind my extra spending.
I also thought it was $100/head. That’s what I tend to give. We started a registry for things we want, and I’m embarassed at the cost of some of these things. (I ended up buying myself our pots and pans when they were on sale, plus we got another 20% off, so I was happy to remove it from the registry and get it for ourselves. I just couldn’t keep the item on the registry, even if people DO buy things together off the registry).
I think it could perhaps depend on your cultural expectations, but I guess it also depends on the type of reception – we aren’t doing a $150 plated dinner with alcohol, either.
Weddings, housewarming parties… a few of my friends are getting into this phase of life. If it’s a close friend, I tend to spend more money, but I know they would do the same. If they’re not that close I tend to spend less, but I do try to get a nice gift anyway. I hate gifts that won’t get used.
Personally I’d rather get cheaper gifts that I really love and would really use, than the more expensive gifts that are just not for me, and that I find in the back of my closet a couple of months later, and that I end up giving away in the end.
This is why I give money or food 🙂 OR my time/services! To help with
whatever..
Eh. I think it’s crazy to spend too much on stuff. I’ve got a kid, and he had 15 kids at his birthday party, which means he gets invited to 15 birthday parties (next year, we’re limiting it to 5. Last year, we said “no gifts”.) Now, our birthday party budget is $10-$20. Depends on if there is a sibling.
How much you spend depends on you and your friends. I spent $1200 for two of us to fly to a dear friend’s wedding (she was a bridesmaid of mine). I spent $600 to be in a wedding just a few years ago. But most weddings? $100 limit.
My friends and family are pretty chill. If it’s a good friend, I may go all out (for me, that means making a quilt for a baby). If it’s an acquaintance, I probably won’t even go. My mother tried to guilt me into sending a gift for a few cousins’ weddings (step-cousins at that). “But they got you a gift!” “Actually, mom, they are 10-15 years younger than me. Their parents got me a gift. And you are getting them a gift. And they live 3000 miles from me. So while I am happy to be invited, I will not be attending, nor will I send a gift.”
An invitation doesn’t mean a gift. I threw a big party last year for my 40th. No gifts. Yeah, a lot of people bought wine, and one good friend donated to Heifer International in my name. You gotta do what’s right for you. The right people will understand. The wrong ones, who cares?
I spend $100/head (I pay for BF and I), unless it’s a local wedding and it’s
a VERY close friend, then it’s $500.. but that’s only once I’ve ever done
that.
If I don’t attend, I don’t buy a gift… it’d have to be a super close
relative/friend for that.
I feel like within the comments there is a trend of “no gifts” going around
🙂
It is ridiculous to spend that much money on those things. Fifty dollars for a child’s birthday every year? Hundreds of dollars on a wedding gift? I can only speak for myself, but my friends/family would never ask for or expect a fortune to be spent on their gifts. Nor do I expect expensive gifts. If someone only cares how much you spend, or if $$$ is the barometer you measure your worth as a friend by, you have problems and false friends.
Sex and the City is a ridiculous show. A bunch of soft, well-to-do women with nothing better to whine about than designer clothes, gourmet food and how they have crap luck with men. Men don’t like spoiled, self-absorbed women. Simple.
I have to disagree because I loved SATC 🙂 For me, it’s cleverly disguised
as fluff, but you are pointing out exactly the point of that episode — that
it’s crazy to spend so much money on gifts and events of someone’s life when
you may not get any in return or don’t want any.
It really just depends how you go about things. I had an engagement party, but no shower- at work or anywhere else. So most people got us 1 or 2 presents… depending on what they could afford this ranged from a lot to a little and that’s fine with us either way. I think bachelorette parties should be ONE night, not a trip personally.
So I tried to keep things reasonable. I don’t have kids… but when/if I do, I don’t expect any of my friends to get me gifts, and if they do I hope they won’t be $100 dollars.
In return, I hope that my single friends will not make me pay for their really expensive shoes!
*LAUGH* Don’t make them take off their Louboutins then. 😉
I’m going to stick my neck out here and say I don’t think we should have single person parties to make up for the fact that someone isn’t married or hasn’t had a kid. I’m unmarried, and I don’t have children yet, but quite frankly the whole idea smacks of entitlement issues to me. That being said, so does informing your wedding/shower guests that they have to spend $X on a gift for you.
Weddings and births are major life events, so gifts are traditionally given at them. Being single isn’t an event, it’s a status. There is a difference. Besides, who is to say after you’ve held your “I’m Marrying Myself” party that you aren’t going to meet and marry someone? Does everyone who gave gifts at the single party now have to give you another gift because you divorced yourself?
If you want to have a house warming party, or a “I got promoted” party to celebrate the events in your life, go for it. I did. Just don’t make it an expectation that people give you things for it though, because then it’s just a blatant cash/gift grab.
I would have told Carrie she can have her shoes after I attend a party that costs 500 a plate.
What does legislation of gay marriage have to do with wedding presents? Gay marriages are recognized by the people who ATTEND them. I’m pretty sure guests at a gay wedding ceremony (that is not recognized by the state) do not show up without a gift and explain that gifts are only for legally married newlyweds. I imagine if you rent a hall and get the tuxedos and/or fancy dresses, that your guests bring you presents.
Every situation has advantages and disadvantages. That’s life. If you truly love being single or unmarried or childless, then you won’t mind going without a few presents. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!
Not every woman adores the whole obsessive pedestal thing. I didn’t want a work shower. (My work does showers for men only when they seem interested. But when I suggested it wasn’t necessary, I got the clear message it was required for me.) I was so jealous of a guy in my division who didn’t have to have one.
I didn’t want to throw a first birthday party. I just wanted to stay at home and enjoy that my child was one. But if I didn’t throw one, I would have had to attend four parties instead. I could have bought the train sets without the headaches and stress.
If she enjoys being the centre of attention, I’m sure even a single gal can make that happen.
I was one of the groomsmen for a buddy’s wedding last summer. And throughout the whole process, both bride and groom seemed to act like presents were owed to them. I was amazed at the pile of stuff they got. The bride seemed happiest when she was opening presents.
I got this couple a copy of my favorite PF book, The Wealthy Barber. They haven’t read it yet.
I think it’s even worse when people get married and don’t have the savings to pay for it. If you’re a big enough grown up to get married then you should be a big enough grown up to pay for it.
I think this is definitely something families should be conscious of … while theoretically a single person may have more disposable income than a single income family, it is not fair for them to have to mark multiple celebrations again and again and in return only have their birthday celebrated. Keep the focus on the original relationship be it with one person or the couple in the family. In my teens a woman in her 40’s who had always been single spoke to me regarding this and her financial strain to maintain relationships, 1 person versus several in a family including bonus family building events like weddings and births, and it stuck with me. We tend to spend more on my partner’s single sister than other adults because she buys for all of our family and has only one gift coming in return. If she gets a family that will be dispersed out amongst them. In the meantime I hope she doesn’t feel like “here we go again” when a birthday or Christmas rolls around.
My gift budget is more modest than the one you listed but when I budget it out it still ends up a big % of our disposable income. Sometimes I feel sick about it, seeing it all together, but the reality is those relationships are important to me, and I want to participate in the culture of gift giving, so that’s that.
I don’t really participate in gift giving for birthdays because I don’t
really celebrate mine nor ask for presents.. 🙂 I just rather keep it down
low, under the radar, and just eat food BF cooks.
For weddings and other events, I don’t mind giving for it, but I can see how
some people with a lot more friends than I, would be out of pocket A LOT 🙂
Especially if they’re always invited to these events.
It’s all about expectations, isn’t it? When I was single and had more disposable income, I got gifts for all of my friends and their kids. I don’t anymore unless I am attending a function. None of them seem to mind and they still love me.
My mom and dad are another story though. They are not thrifty and are very, very spendy.
My husband and I don’t get gifts for each other unless one of us goes on a trip and sees something cool. We go out to eat for special occasions.
I didn’t want wedding gifts but was pressured into registering by friends. I then was told my registry was ‘ very modest’. I guess that is code for thrifty, which is cool. I registered at 10,000 villages, target and macy’s. Oh, I just remembered that one friend said target was low class but whatever, I have friends w/ different spending habits.
I’d absolutely register at Target. What the heck would I do with a silver
tea set from some fancy store?
Me, I prefer cash or gift cards to grocery stores, where I am SURE to spend
the money. I just don’t need stuff… and whatever I need, I’ll just buy it.
For my circle, these numbers seem really high. We typically spend $100-$150 on a shower and wedding gift (that’s total), maybe $200 if they are a sibling. For babies, we typically spend $30-$50 unless it’s a sibling (maybe $50-$75 for them) and we certainly don’t spend more than $25 on a kids birthday. I’ve never given an engagement present (except cards). We also don’t travel for weddings unless it’s a very close friend. We recently got married, and I noticed a lot of our friends seemed to spend like we do.
Now I am completely lost – this is obviously a North American culture thing. Maybe just Anglo-Saxon.
More fool anyone who pays that much for shoes, for a start. What a waste. Just for a name!
Life occasions are there to be celebrated, not a commercial gift fest. If you have money and want to treat your family, friends, have a party and pay sensibly for it. Don’t expect anything from your guests!! They have been invited. If you don’t have the money, make it a pot-luck and those who can and want to contribute will do. If not, they won’t come. Simple.
If you feel enough affection for someone to give a gift, whatever the occasion, there is making as well as buying and there are more gifts than objects, there is time, for instance. Or help, or whatever. It is the thought that counts. Why should anyone feel obligated??
As for travel – surely you only travel to somewhere for an occasion if you want to go and therefore, you spend the money willingly and don’t count. If you don’t want to spend the money or don’t want to go, don’t.
People will still love you. Surprise.
I agree with Dee, there are definitely reasons for single people to throw parties: birthdays, graduation, getting a PhD, housewarming, “welcome back” and “bon voyage” parties.
That episode of SATC was SO ridiculous. I would NEVER expect my friends to give me presents and I told them that (as we were all broke grads when I got married). Some of my friends gave me $5 presents, and guess what? We’re using them and we love them. And some friends couldn’t make my wedding because of the cost. I was upset but I totally understood (I know that some people wouldn’t, though.) I guess it depends on your type of friend. Having a friend that demands constant presents because she’s married and with children is a problem that is stupid to fix by having a “single woman’s” party and opening a registry.
Your estimates are much higher than what I would spend on a wedding/shower of someone who is not a relative.
And I didn’t get married SO I would get presents, so I don’t think its fair to lampoon us for being “lucky” to be celebrated. As Dee said, if you want to put up with all of the headache I did to get married, send out thank you cards for every last person, and pay thousands of dollars for them to be there, while having each and every guest insist that the wedding was how they wanted it, be my guest.
I completely agree with you!
And if I was “expecting” people to pay for a flight and hotel they wouldn’t be ‘casual friends’. It would be my family, my best friends, and that’s about it.
As for bridesmaids “if they choose to be or not” – honestly FB I usually love your posts but frankly are you taking the mick?!
My bridesmaids will be my best friends, and they’re all delighted to have a chance to be part of my day. They were all ASKED (and yes, given the opportunity to say no tactfully without feeling cheap or whatever) and we agreed on a reasonable contribution each to their dresses etc.
You seem to forget, the bride is having to pay potentially thousands for a venue and dinner for these guests, as well as a nice evening, an invitation to the hen do – which should be fun for everyone, as it is supposed to celebrate your time as a single woman with friends – so asking her best friends to contribute a small amount hardly seems unreasonable.
Particularly when we’d happily do the same for her, straight or otherwise, marriage.
What does “taking the mick” mean? 🙂
A lot of bridesmaids choose to NOT be part of the day. Maybe it’s just my
experience but there were a lot of girls I knew who were close friends of
the bride who said — “I don’t want to pay for my dress, this is not really
something I want”…
It’s really quite odd. I thought people would WANT to be there for their big
day but I am seeing it’s not that easy to get friends to commit to helping
to a wedding in my circle…
I’m only having one person because I didn’t want to have people forced to pay for things they didn’t want to, and when I was asked about it by others, indicated I didn’t want a large wedding party, and didn’t want to make people cover the costs of various things, since it all adds up – for them AND us – we have to factor in more flowers, etc (and the budget is already pretty tight). That and I wanted them to wear magenta, and I only have one gal that will wear that! This might get changed as we took a look at fantastic dresses, and found a black and white polka dot one that she could re-wear, so as long there’s a bright pink petticoat or sash/belt, I’d be happy.
I’ve made a point to involve others if they want to be involved (i.e. looking at dresses – us girls seem to like doing that!), but then one friend sort of indicated that she was upset that she wasn’t going to be standing up there with me. She didn’t outright say it, but she did say, “at this point, I’d be willing to wear a pink dress!” I kind of laughed it off at the time, since she said it as a joke, but I didn’t really know how to respond. We aren’t super close, but she’s really excited about weddings…
I loved that episode of SATC! haha. This is actually a big reason why when my boyfriend and I get engaged & married, there will be NO GIFTS (donations for charity only), and NO bridal party! I hate the idea that someone needs to spend hundreds of dollars just to be part of your wedding. We already will have 90% of the attendees flying in from all over the country (since it’s only my immediate family & some of my friends who live in town), that should be enough spending.
Ummm…. this is INSANE.
I get that single women feel slighted because our culture puts so much emphasis on women marrying as the pinnacle of their success in life. Completely reasonable. But why be jealous of the lame present avalanche and days spent writing thank you notes? All you slighted single gals out there, send me your addresses. I’ll mail you ugly platters and olive prongs. But I expect a chicken dinner and a thank you note. I’m sure we can arrange something.
Or perhaps I’ll buy you an ugly personalized name plate I expect you to hang it on your bedroom door. I’ll make sure it’s really garish and doesn’t at all match your decor.
You can envy the sleepless days I spent writing thank you notes for the cute but horrible polyester sleepers he never wore or dozen teddy bears he never touched.
100 dollars on every baby? What are you buying? I only spent that on my newborn nieces.
If you want to celebrate your degree, promotion or your new home, throw a party. Most of my friends actively request NO housewarming presents or refuse to throw housewarming parties because they are afraid people will bring presents.
Fortunately, none of my close friends have gotten married. But I do feel guilty when they give me birthday and Christmas presents. I can never afford to get them anything, and I always tell them not to get me a gift, but each time they show up with presents.
I feel guilty for not being able to give something in return. Also, I usually throw the presents away after six months, because I’m sort of a minimalist and can’t stand to have stuff just lying around my house.
I’ve been debating over starting a petition for a single person’s holiday that is 6 months after Valentines Day.
Many of my friends are married and having kids. I’ve given up on the gifting. Everyone seems to have in-laws that go crazy with that stuff. I gave wedding gifts based on my salary. When I was unemployed and a full-time athlete by two best friends had weddings a year apart. I was a bridesmaid in one of them. Neither got a big gift from me. They had huge weddings with over 200 people so I knew someone else would get them their silverware. Instead I got them each a Dr. Seuss book (Oh, the Places You’ll Go). Two of my sisters had weddings while I was gainfully employed and I bought off their registry.
My friends are scattered over North America so when someone has a wedding it usually involves flying in so I think the estimates in the post are pretty accurate.
Best way to cut down on these costs; only have a few close friends. You save $ and the relationships are stronger and more fulfilling than having a large entourage of acquaintances where gifts feel obligatory.
Amazing Post! 2 Things:
#1: When I got married this last year, my parents miraculously pulled out $5000 for a wedding gift that they had been “saving” for when I got married. WTF! I put myself through school and accumulated school debt. They didn’t give me a penny for school. I would have MUCH rather seen that money as a young, struggling student instead of as a super stable, high income adult. I mean, I am grateful for any gift of any sort, but my parents were more proud of me getting hitched then any of my school/career accomplishments. In fact, getting married changed my mom’s entire view on me, and now she “finally” considers me a woman, which really pisses me off, to be frank.
#2: We skipped ALL the parties/gifts/wedding crap and got married in a tree house far, far away and then stayed in a tiger refuge for our honeymoon. Basically, I just thought about all the times I have had to throw $$$ at a wedding for travel, gifts, bridesmaid expenses and I couldn’t do that to anyone! And people were ECSTATIC!! One of my sister’s made a good point: “Who cares if we aren’t there for one day. We are going to see you and celebrate for the rest of our lives!”
Your Wedding/honeymoon sounds awesome! Where was the tree house and the tiger refuge?
It is absolutely amazing the amount of money we shell out for things these days. I spent about $1500 on my sister’s wedding this past January, and can only say that I just about fell over when I did the tally.
I though the episode you refer to had a real point as well. It seems expected that more than a “Let’s meet the baby and Congratulations” is expected, yet people who have yet to have children or get married are put down for throwing a party for themselves and having friends spend a little money for them. It is quite the societal taboo to be single still.
Perhaps I wouldn’t have worn my Manolo’s to a baby shower, but I don’t think it was unreasonable to ask for compensation when a guest at my party steals another’s shoes. At the very least, having known who attended, asking around about them would have been an appropriate offer by the friend.
Either way, it goes to show just how things still are. Great post!!!!
Well, I personally think that the hostess in this episode should have gone more out of her way to fix this. Everyone spends their money in different ways, and I don’t think anyone should be chastised for that, even if it is for expensive shoes – if your passionate about shoes, buy those shoes! The hostess could have asked around to get the shoes back, or she should have just shelled out the money for new shoes. I don’t know how any of you all feel about this, but I for sure would feel a great pang of guilt if I had invited someone in my home, and their shoes got stolen by one of my other guests. I would certainly not lecture my friend about how she could spend so much money on shoes!
I have never seen that episode of SATC, but that’s ridiculous that Carrie requested her friend pay for the shoes? Why couldn’t Carrie carry them around the house? Or, knowing that they are really expensive shoes, why didn’t she ask to put them in a safe place? I’m sure her friend would have understood… I dunno, seems like Carrie is being a bit crazy.
All in all, I’m glad she got her shoes back! LOL.
Those numbers are high for my background & upbringing too. It is an interesting thought.
At one time, these milestones were times when people really did need a boost, and the community helped a new family or a new marriage get settled. It does seem that is not so much the case (as often, at least). Now people do those things when they are already more established in life (financially).
I don’t think it is a huge issue, but people should celebrate similar accomplishments of single (or married) people. I find that people do – if you throw a party or send out announcements (for graduations) people will celebrate and give some gifts. However, the only accomplishment I ever held a party for was my wedding (at least as an adult). My parents celebrated my graduation from college and graduate school with gifts, but very few friends did, because I didn’t make it a point to have a celebration.
My roomie and I were joking about this- we don’t get a “going to grad school” party when we choose an education and delay starting a family and getting married! Is there a “doing the right thing” party for someone who chooses a just as awesome life path, but that doesn’t involve a heterosexual shindig with a fancy cake? What about a person who travels to India to work with the sick? Or someone who rescues shelter dogs?
I think engagements are great- but honestly, it’s not the most notable or profound thing a person can do, yet it’s celebrated more than the person who decided to go back to school to become a nurse or someone who is starting their own business… hmmm.
I would also add “House Buying” in this list. Somehow, my “biggest life decision” didn’t matter, since I did it myself (instead of following everyone else’s lead by doing the marriage/house/baby combo).
NOT ONE friend accepted the invitation for my housewarming party, let alone did I receive a gift. I think it’s lame. Incredibly lame. Especially considering the thousands of dollars that I’ve spent on these “friends” and their celebrations.
A gift should be that: a gift, not an obligation. And that is just the start of where things are going wrong.
That episode of Sex and the City annoyed me. That was a lot of money to spend on shoes, but trying to guilt Carrie about her life choices (granted, they did have repercussions, but that woman didn’t know) was obnoxious.
It’s not a celebration of BEING married, it’s a celebration of GETTING married. Just like you don’t celebrate someone who is in college, but you celebrate someone graduating from college. Or you don’t celebrate someone being 25, but celebrate the change to 26. We don’t celebrate people when they stay the same, we celebrate change.
Good point but I’m still annoyed that the changes are always based on conventional milestones like getting hitched or having a baby. Do you throw a party for someone leading a fantastic life they’ve worked hard for? Maybe they made a career change, took come risks and five years later they’re leading their dream life. Why don’t we celebrate that?
Dress, cake and presents does not equal a happy marriage. Maybe if we took away the gifting and people quietly got married and we only celebrated when they made it to ten years we’d lower the divorce rate. A long happy marriage is something to celebrate. Engagement and marriage is just the beginning. The change isn’t made until much later. We use conventional milestones to throw parties but even conventional wisdom says no one changes overnight.
We probably don’t celebrate a deam life because the individual doesn’t initiate a celebration, probably thinking they would be too vain, or it’s never done, or no one would come.
I honestly feel like most people like celebrations (even if they don’t bring a gift or want to give a gift doesn’t mean they don’t like seeing people happy).
Just consider how many people celebrated the royal wedding – they have absolutely no connection to these people, yet held parties together (my mom got together with her brother and his wife, plus their mom to eat food and watch the wedding at 2 AM. I called them crazy). A celebration doesn’t always mean gifts, and shouldn’t mean gifts, gifts should be something that you WANT to give, not necessarily out of obligation. Even with a wedding, gifts aren’t mandatory, but as a society we seem to have made it mandatory. I feel bad if I don’t “cover my plate” at a wedding, which is not how you are meant to celebrate. I shouldn’t feel guilty about my gift of money – I should give it, feeling excited about it (though I often don’t at weddings…). I knowI sound like a hypocrite…
I’m really struggling with this right now. My cousin had a baby awhile ago, and I kept going down to the states and buying her a bunch of stuff here and there – it was all on sale, and I probably spent about $100, but it was a TON of stuff. a TON. and now, her sister is having a baby and expects me to do the same for her – but she wants everything organic. I can’t afford to spend thousands on the amount of organic stuff as I did her sister, and for organic stuff, I may be able to get 3 things for $100. I spent over $3000 just on her wedding, & I’m cringing thinking about how much HER baby is going to cost me.
Get her a gift card for $100 for wherever that organic stuff is located?
Another interesting angle to this is that women seem to get the gifts, not the men. For instance, when the women in the office get married or have a baby, people at work usually do a little baby shower or bridal shower. However, the same isn’t done for a man who’s wife is having a baby or the groom to be.
Individually, I’m happy to buy gifts to celebrate all the milestones in lives of people I care about. Collectively, I’m a bit annoyed that I’m buying more stuff for people who don’t need it. As a singleton, no one is stepping up to celebrate my achievements — like a graduate degree or a promotion. It bothers me that as a woman, the only things I “should” be celebrating are along the family path rather than the career one.
I would never expect my friends to give me that much money. But I’m from another cultural background (Germany), so it might be cultural differences!
My (close family, mum, dad and godfather/godmother) family gifts about50-100 bucks for cristmas and birthdays. I’m not married, but I would expect my friends just to come and not to bring cash! I invite them because I want them to participate and would never dream about taking more money then maybe 20 bucks from them!
I also only got birthday presents from my core family as mentioned above and the freinds that participated at my birthday parties, but never from my parents friends. Sometimes they brought some cheap perfume, or a book. But nothing expensive…
I think the real problem is that people are giving gifts because they feel they have to, due to tradition or so-called etiquette or whatever.
My friends are pretty dang chill and frugal. Luckily none have requested anything past my attendance at the wedding/shower, etc. In some cases, I’ve scheduled vacations around their events and they have cost over $3500 in flights alone, not to mention the car rental, gas, and a number of other things. And I still got them a (very small) gift from their registry. I wouldn’t have missed the events for the world, though, as long as I could afford to attend. If you begrudge the recipient, you shouldn’t be giving the gift, I think. I certainly wouldn’t want a gift if someone didn’t really want to give it to me. A nice card would suffice, you know?
I don’t really care that I don’t get presents to stay single and childless–it is my choice to do so, willingly, & knowing that I’ll never get presents. the problem with the single party and registry is, what if you then get married? have a baby? should you still get presents? I’m not against it, it’s just sort of like, I guess I feel *lucky* to get to keep all of my attention and money to myself & not have to share it with a spouse or kid, so I’ll happily help out the newly married couple or parents with gifts because I know their coming journey will be difficult sometimes and involve a lot of sacrifice! (Wow, i’m weird!)
So true. If I was to get married I would skip the shower and engagement party .. I just don’t see the point. Seems to me like the WEDDING should be the celebration. I would also never, ever, register for presents. I know it’s completely commonplace nowdays to do that and I don’t look down my nose on anyone who does it but I would never want to tell people what to get me for a gift. I just find it weird.
After that Sex and the City episode I was annoyed, too, that there is nothing out there to celebrate single people.
I’d ask for money or charitable donations to a charity in our name. 🙂
It is horribly rude to tell your guests what to give you. While I often give money, I never give it to couples who outright ask for it without me asking for a suggestion first.
It is fine in my opinion to suggest a charitable donation or no present at all. But asking for money is going too far.