Reader Zan wrote an extremely thought-provoking question for me in my post: Do men prefer women who make less money than they do? a while ago:
If you are your BF started significantly more money–like double what the other one makes (and not as part of a transition plan like going back to school) would you shift finances in any way?
Treat each other more?
I was totally taken aback because I just simply hadn’t thought about it before.
Sounds stupid, but it’s true.
Please note that the following is my life and from my own perspective.
You don’t have to agree with me, and you will more than likely have an entirely different view or approach; I’m just trying to show you mine.
From The Millionaire Mind:
Satisfaction with your partner’s financial contribution is strongly related to how you feel about your relationship and whether you will stay in the relationship.
(Dr. Belinda Tucker from UCLA at the 1997 American Psychological Association)
Basically, if you don’t feel like it’s fair between the two of you, you will break up.
If you don’t feel like you can count on them or feel supported, you will break up.
With that in mind, the main thing I want to point out is we pay 50/50 on:
- rent/shelter
- food
- utilities
- household items
The rest: treats, dinners out, whatever else, is not split 50/50.
WE DIDN’T ALWAYS MAKE THE SAME INCOME
When we first started dating, he was making double what I did, but I was making good money just on my own ($65,000 gross a year).
I didn’t feel upset, because I saw it as two independent things: he made X amount of money, and I made half that and I never saw it manifest itself in our spending either.
Even though I was still heavily in debt I saw it as my own “problem” and I never expected that he would ever pay anything off for me. I had never even considered him as an option.
The closest we ever came to me feeling bad, was when he suggested I buy a bike so we could go biking together as an activity on the weekends. I winced at paying $700 for the whole kit and caboodle, when it could have gone to debt instead, but I saw it as a free activity we could do together as a couple.
I do suspect that he might have been treating me more than I realize. He knew I was heavily in debt, so he bought me ice cream and other treats (nothing extravagant) while I was in debt. He was (and still is) a generous person.
He also paid for our 2 week vacation because he knew I wouldn’t go because I didn’t have any savings, but he wanted to go with me.
WE AREN’T IN THE SAME AGE GROUP
You may not know this, but BF is older than I am, and further along in his career. I never had an expectation that I would ever make as much as he did, because I was simply younger.
How can I compare apples to oranges? 🙂 I always expected to make less than him just based on experience.
INCOME AND EXPENSES ARE NOT RELATED
I’ve always mentally separated income and expenses.
I know this is really easy to say, because let’s face it, I’m not making a normal income by anyone’s standards, not even by mine.
Still, what we make don’t change how we spend especially when you consider that all of our basic needs are met each month, and we keep our lifestyle on the down low.
Our biggest expense is usually Traveling.
I HAVE BEEN BOTH POORER & RICHER
So I know how it feels on both sides.
The only way I feel comfortable is if the rules are fair for both he and I, no matter our incomes.
If anything happened to either one of us like an illness, and we really couldn’t make it, the other would step in.
But we don’t need to think or worry about it.
We both have comfortable savings, we spend way below our means, and we each save a lot of money. Therefore, we share the expenses equally.
WE DON’T WANT TO POOL OUR MONEY INTO ONE ACCOUNT
We like to keep our money in separate bank accounts.
He and I budget very differently. I’m rigid, I count every penny, I log and reconcile everything.
He brings out $500 in cash a month, and when it’s gone, it’s gone.
If we were to merge bank accounts, I would just CRY at the lack of visibility and trying to keep track of where he and I spent things.
So why not a joint account and then separate accounts?
- Hassle of another account to remember
- He likes to pay in cash (hard to track)
- I like to pay on a credit card
- I like to pay everything off to the penny
- He likes to just bring out one whole amount & spend it
We are just two different budgeting animals, so we just do the 50/50 with the common budget.
CONCLUSION: WE FOCUS ON EXPENSES, NOT INCOME
I suppose it all boils down to the fact that we mainly focus on expenses.
Neither one of us is buying or spending more than we can afford, nor to make each other feel bad.
Whether we would make $40,000 a year or $150,000 a year, our expenses stay the same, and this creates a fair and equitable cost of living so to speak.
We would never ask for the other to pay for something they can’t afford. We’re a team no matter how we store our money or keep our finances.
If we can both afford the lifestyle we’re living together, we’re happy, warm, safe and comfortable. I say we’re doing good, no matter our incomes.
Everyone should do their finances according to the way they want to
Whether it’s 50/50, one breadwinner or a percentage allocation based on income, the key is just to talk about it.
Get on the same page.
Agree to something that is fair to both of you.
Make sure you both want the same things in life and you have the same goals.
Don’t let it slide only realize that you’re harbouring some deep-seated resentment for the way things are split or not split at all.
Talk it out and remember:
Satisfaction with your partner’s financial contribution is strongly related to how you feel about your relationship and whether you will stay in the relationship.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
If both partners make more than enough money, I think it’s less of an issue. I don’t make an incredible amount (over the past 6 years $35 grew to $50k annually), but my bf consistently makes about half that. And he had and still has all the debt. When you love someone, but they can’t afford ANYTHING, you end up paying more, and it sucks when you don’t have so much yourself. He made so little and owed so much that he still couldn’t afford all his bills even using the suggestion to pay a percentage according to our combined incomes instead of 50/50 (so if our combined income is $80k, and I make 62.5% of that total, I pay 62.5% of the bills and he pays 37.5%). A low income isn’t necessarily that difficult to live on (when you’re being frugal), but if you have any debt it’s a nightmare. Now I resent him, because even though he changed his habits, it’s never seemed like enough… And in case you were wondering, I wasn’t aware of the extent of the debt when we moved in together. I knew about some of it, but it turned out to be 3 times more than I thought it was. He didn’t even know the full extent because he never added it all up (ahh denial). We loved each other so I accepted it, even though I was angry about walking into that situation. Breaking up at that point would have been devastating. 6.5 years into the relationship I’ve decided to get back to my dreams, so I’ve been steadily saving for grad school abroad (he knew this was what I wanted to do since we met). Hope to go this fall, even though I feel slightly old to be starting over and doing something completely new (I’ll be 30). Time to say goodbye to the guy who still loves me but didn’t quite get his s*** together, despite more than enough help from me.
It makes all the difference if each partner can keep their head above water by themselves, even if they can’t afford all the luxuries (and don’t expect them, and live like they’re trying to get out of debt). I could have lived with that situation easily.
When hubby and I first started dating, he made way more than I did. I was barely making ends meet, but I was going to school and working as hard as I could. Like you, he is older than I am and had a fair amount of work experience by that point, so naturally, I expected that he would make more. Our different in income never made a difference to either of us, because we both knew that it was temporary. He paid for everything, while I put in where I could. I think it would have been a totally different situation if I was the type of girl that expected a guy to buy me everything, shopping, vacations, cars, etc, but he knew I wasn’t and was therefore fine with it.
Today, I outearn him, and we could both care less. He’s proud of me and jokes that he has a sugar momma. I never really thought of it as “who pays for what based on %”, I would feel offended if he had even suggested we split expenses based on % of income. We’re living our life together and earning as much as we can to do the things we like, and that’s how it should be. period.
It’s funny though, most of my friends and acquaintainces have wives who make more than their husbands, and the guys are all fine with it. Role reversal at its finest. 🙂
This is all generalizing of course, and I think it depends on the guy 🙂
With another generalization, maybe the younger generation (under 40 or 50?)
Generation Y or whatever we’re called, are more lax about such male/female
roles, and that includes not being stressed about bringing home the bacon.
I kind of like it, because it also means they are not too proud to take on
roles like helping cook, clean, watch the kids.. You know, equal partner
stuff. 🙂
My parents are from the “guy doesn’t do jack” generation and it really irked
my mom when she had us kids running around her legs. Now that they’re older,
my father has finally realized how hard it is to watch kids (grandkids), and
has more sympathy for what my mom had to go through with us.
Hindsight. 20/20.
I make less than my bf but everything is split. However this isn’t as strange as it might sound because we live in a very affordable state in the mid-west so cost of living is pretty affordable.
Right now I’m in college but eventually I know I’ll go on to make more money than I do right now. I like having separate bank accounts, I like having things split. Some people say that having different bank accounts is strange or confusing. I disagree.
Its simple if you keep things simple. I hate it when people judge other people on such petty things such as whether they keep separate bank accounts. I think different things work for different couples. I also think that when you work it gives you equal say in any relationship.
I definitely agree that couples have to have similar views about money and it is also about fairness and equality. My partner and I have been together (and legally married as well) for 16 years. We were in school when we met and have always had the same views about money. Since the very beginning (even when in school) we always had all our money in one pot and this system works for us. He is younger than me. He loves his job and earns a lot more than I do but it wasn’t intentional, just happened as we chose different career paths. Neither of us are rigid at all with money. We are very frugal with a lot of things but seem to agree on certain splurges (travel mostly). I love being frugal and finding deals and he just goes along with it. He grew up in a very frugal family so there are never issues about how money is spent unless it’s spent stupidly. I do love to splurge on a few things and he doesn’t care as long as we don’t put ourselves in debt. He is not a spender at all and I am but somehow it works for us. Nothing with us has ever been 50/50. My parents lived that way and it worked for them as well. I do believe that in the end, it doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you both agree with it.
Thats quite an insight into your finances with your BF. Me and my spouse have quite the same arrangement. She likes to account for every penny while I don’t really like looking at figures all that much. I just know that I’m roughly on budget and that suits me fine. Ultimately as with anything in a relationship communication is everything. I believe this extends to finances as well.
I can relate to this so much. Even though my boyfriend considers things as “our” money, I often find myself reminding him of “my” debt. He started working before I did and now is settled down with a healthy salary and savings, I’m still digging out of debt (credit card, to be specific). A lot of the examples you pointed out remind me of what we went through. I think if communication is clear regarding expectations, money fights can be avoided.
This is something my wife and I have lived with for 9 years. She is a Naval offcier and I am the full-time Dad. I don’t earn any money, but I feel like we each contribute equally to the family, we have 3 children under 10. We mange money in a joint account, all transactions are recorded on quicken, so there are no secrets.
In terms of social equality, it’s not always easy. We’re sensitive to outsider opinions that don’t approve of our family management. The thing is, nothing stays the same for very long. I have been the stronger income earner in the past, and soon I will return to work. I may net exceed my wife’s income but I think we are both ok with that.
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years (and together for 15) and we still have separate checking accounts, for just the reason you stated. We do things differently. As long as we feel like both people are contributing in a meaningful way, the income itself does not matter. Pulling your weight does.
I have known couples who have a spouse who doesn’t work, and their husbands come home and still do all the cooking and laundry and stuff. The lack of income is not what’s annoying, it’s the lack of doing your fair share. If you don’t bring in the money, then you should at least do more chores. If you don’t want to do housework, then get a job and use the money to hire cleaning ladies and lawn services.
Thank you for posting this! 🙂
Even though I’ve been reading your blog for a year and a half now, I still LOVE following your story of going from debt to savings!
My BF and I are living together, he is ten years older than me, and the only debt he has is his mortgage (and it’s on it’s way to being paid off). I, on the other hand, have a whole handful of debt. Student loans, Credit cards, etc. And my biggest fear (literally .. it’s been draining me to think about), is that he will get tired of me paying off my debt and just be done with everything. I mean, I’m not exactly in the most attractive of financial situations, but I’m doing what I can.
But we’ve gotten to be really good, in the meantime, with splitting certain expenses. For example, he pays the mortgage, I pay my student loans/bills/etc. We drive my car (mine is newer and in better condition/very few miles), so I pay for gasoline expenses (he has a work vehicle which is entirely covered by his work. nothing comes out of his account). I also pay for groceries (99% of the time) and electricity, heat, and internet.
I feel bad that I can’t be more 50/50 split with him, but it’s working for us currently. 🙂
I would be interested in hearing about how you track and split travel expenses. This is one area where my BF and I struggle. On pre-trip purchases (air, train, etc) we are good about splitting expenses 50/50 but when we are on the trip, it’s easy to lose track of hotel, bus, food, etc expenses. Generally we trade off on paying for things, but that’s not always fair. When we get home, we are not diligent about pulling out receipts and trying to figure out who owes what to whom.
also, splitting food costs is hard for us, mainly because I eat a lot! and I buy gluten free food which is more expensive. We’ve been using a spreadsheet to track and split things but recently realized the formulas are wrong, skewing the balance paid to BF. ugh.
Very good advice. I think it is wise to keep thinks in different accounts. In addition, your first words about if one another feel like it is unfair you will break up. This goes for the entire relationship.
I like to document ALL my spending no matter how big or small… my husband on the other hand could never be bothered to keep receipts. For us we kept our accounts separate for our own sanity. It was awesome to hear you guys do the same. I kept trying to convince him to be like me… now I realize it’s not unreasonable to manage our finances differently.. just because we don’t have a joint account doesn’t mean we are on the road to divorce.
You are such a wise cookie! I think you said it best when you say it is the couple that decides and there is no right or wrong. It has to work for you as a couple, regardless of what others’ opinions are!
Also, in response to the point from Millionaire Mind, I think I might agree. Relationships are about sharing and contributing. Of course, it’s not all about money, but I guess I could interpret contributing money as a sign that you also will contribute other things to the relationship, and be good, caring, loving, and nurturing towards each other.
My boyfriend finally got a job after over a year of unemployment. But this whole time, he contributed “his share” to our expenses…food, shelter, utilities, etc. It helped that he had a lot of savings, and was also collecting unemployment. His new job pays over $20k/year more than mine. I think it doesn’t bother me that he’s making more, just that my profession pays less than his does. That’s just how our careers worked out.
I don’t know if we’ll ever actually combine our finances. Right now we spend what we need to on necessities, but we live our own lives, even if we do live in the same building. I think we’re on the same page…and we each have our specific things we’ll buy. Maybe someday we might just have a joint account for joint expenses. I’m not really sure yet.
Thanks for answering my question! I’m enjoying reading everyone’s posts. It’s something I really want to be prepared for as my marriage grows. I think the common theme is communication is key!
Luckily, Mr FS and I are fiscally compatible–we merged our money even before we were married and have never had any issues. It helps that we are both frugal. Each of us urges the other to spend more on him/herself!
I think the key thing is probably that no matter what, you were operating in a situation where you had enough for the basics. Currently, I still make a fair bit more than T, but it’s not really an issue. What was an issue was when he was unemployed and I was making a student income – the income difference was probably the same or bigger, but we were on the edge then, and I was very stressed being in my final year of journalism school.
I definitely also think if you have a SAHP power issues are more likely to arise! I know if I was not bringing anything in, no matter how much I did at home I would feel somewhat impotent, and I am positive he would too.
I think your post highlights not only a well negotiated relationship (even though it sounds like an organic process, you both seem quite comfortable with what’s developed) but also what a degree of financial freedom can bring to other aspects of your life like your relationship. The early smaller tensions/transactions of a new bike and a holiday don’t even have the smallest chance to develop into bigger issues because you got your debt and income in hand. Very inspiring!
Hmmm. This was a pretty interesting post. I think while The Millionaire Mind is onto something, that is not necessarily how all couples are. I think in terms of the couples, who agree to have one stay at home and take care of the house while the other couple is the breadwinner or other couples where one partner makes more. But, if you do have these kind if relationships and even if you don’t communication is always key, as in everything between you and your partner.
What a timely post! I have been currently feeling a bit resentful towards my husband as for some reason we are suddenly splitting everything 50/50. I mean everything. We have separate accounts and we normally split 50/50 for all household expenses (mortgage, utilities etc) but all of a sudden he is keeping track of who bought dinner last time or if someone buys breakfast for $20 and they we go out shopping (that costs $20) then the person who didn’t by breakfast should pay for the shopping. I’m going to have to talk to him. It wouldn’t be so bad but he makes about $12K (net) MORE than I do so he has an extra $1000 a month to spend than I do. I’m not sure where this is coming from. I agree though – communication is the key.
Thanks for writing about this. I make roughly 70% of our income, have no debt and a decent amount of savings/investments while my partner has a large student debt. Embracing our inner socialists, we’ve scaled our respective contributions to rent and other core expenses to the 70/30 ratio, and I pay for the things I’d like to do together that she wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford, including nice dinners, travel, cable TV, etc.
I don’t have a significant other but I have learned that when I actively work to keep my regular expenses as low as they can go I always seem to have money, but when I lose focus of that mentality it quickly spirals out of control no matter how much I make. I wouldn’t care if I made less than a boyfriend, but I was raised in an era where that was the norm. I don’t think I would have issues if a guy made less than me, as long as he was trying and working but who knows?
This is actually something my boyfriend and I have just started to discuss. We also have very different spending habits as I’ve recently become more of a tracker in terms of paying attention to every penny. He’s a lot more laid back.
We’re leaning towards doing something similar to Dan and his girlfriend, where we keep our separate accounts and open a joint account for shared expenses.
I’ve lived together now with my girlfriend for six months. What we’ve done is open a free chequing account at PC Financial (in Canada here), and we have both our names on it. Once a month we dump $X amount of money in it, and use it for all shared expenses, such as groceries, rent, bills, toiletries, and even going out for dinner.
This takes the hassle out of tracking “who owes who” and keeps it simple. You also with the leftover money get to spend it on whatever YOU want. We think it’s a good system and I’d recommend it for other couples wholeheartedly.
This is a great idea. I make more than my bf, actually my bf is kind of unemployed now. He works piece-meal jobs here and there. I feel resentful sometimes for having to cover for his gas, car tax, and maintanance, (thankgoodness he pays for his own food), he’s a hardcore minimalist, which is perfect. It’s been 2 years, and he’s only bought few articles of clothing and shoes (on sale) which will last him another 3 years. . .
When he will have his full-time job, I will make him pay at least 50/50 for shelter/food if not 60/40 regardless who makes more. He will have to pay all the treats, I have a mentality that men should treat women once in a while. . .
This is interesting – my boyfriend and I have very different spending habits. We are a bit like you and BF. We aren’t to the point in our relationship yet where we would discuss money, but it’s still interesting to think about.
Since my parents paid for my education (or most of it) I will graduate with very little debt. I think I would help my boyfriend pay back his student loans, since that feels fair. But I won’t help him pay back for the TV he bought, or if he stubbornly decides to buy a motorcycle before he can afford it.
I like your idea to treat the other person more often.