Revanche of A Gai Shan Life wrote a great post recently called Parents: The Top Bread Slice.
Basically, it’s talking about letting your elderly parents move back in with you if they’re unable to live alone.
Full o’ good stuff, that girl.
Revanche is truly an inspiration for me, because she is supporting not only her half of the household (congratulations on the engagement..AGAIN!), but her parents’ household as well. She has a tougher time dealing with this than most of us will ever experience (and at such a young age to boot) so learning from her actions and hearing her thoughts about is amazing.
Anyway, back to parents. Her post has generated some interesting discussion so far, and here’s my take on it.
CreditIt isn’t even an option
A nursing home? Unthinkable. It just wouldn’t happen, if we did everything in our power to stop it.
It’s not that we’re saints or martyrs here (far from it!), we just don’t see it as an option to put them into a home, unless it was REALLY a serious situation where they needed machines to live, or something to that effect.
We know it would be hard if my parents had to be taken care of full-time, but we’d have to just find a way to make it work, like hire a part-time nurse during the day, and to take care of them during the night.
If we had my parents living with us, at least I know the level of care and love they’d receive, and my siblings would contribute to the medical costs if need be.
I was prepped at a young age to accept this eventuality
When I was a little girl, my mother would feed me my favourite foods and say: When you grow up, don’t forget your mama. You know how right now, I’m giving you strawberry ice cream?
Little FB: Umm mm!
Mom: Well as you are eating this, remember that mama doesn’t like strawberry ice cream. I like orange sherbert. Preferably in a sorbet.
Little FB: Okay.
Mom: You’d never let me live in a home right?
Little FB: No. Never!
Mom: We wouldn’t want what happened to grandma and grandpa to happen to us right?
Little FB: Nope. *munch munch*
Mom: Good. Remember your mama when you get older. Don’t forget about us. Especially your mother. 😛
Little FB: More ice cwream pwease.
*Side story: We left our home country when we were very young, and my parents were unable to bring my grandparents to come live with us in Canada halfway across the world.
So my grandparents ended up having to go into a home because well… her siblings didn’t want them. It’s kind of a sad story.
This above nudging and “brainwashing” (haha) is not uncommon either. A few of my friends recounted similar stories about being reminded ever so often how much their parents love them and what they’d do for them, so that they will never forget.
I guess it worked, because now I am Team Grandma/Grandpa 😛
How does BF feel about all of this?
I already discussed this with BF, and he feels the same way.
If his parents or mine needed to move in with us, we would take them in, pay for their basic living needs (no fancy trips to Vegas, I can tell you that!) and be totally fine with it.
Even living in a small studio?
Yes. Even living in a small studio.
We would put up a room divider and shoo them out of the house once in a while for some alone time (or go to a hotel).
We’ve already discussed for this eventuality, and though we are from two different cultures (really opposite), our parents took care of us up until at least the age of 19 or longer.
Feeding, washing, caring, cooing, loving.
We at least owe it to them to take care of them in their older years.
Might also be better for them if they lived with us!
Barring serious medical circumstances like the one Revanche is facing with her mother, they say that the elderly do better when there is a support network around them of family and friends, like in a blended household.
Just seeing their grandchildren or their children each day, makes the elderly happy and keeps their wits sharp (apparently).
I’d also know that if I took care of my parents, I’d be the one making sure they took their medications, could get to a doctor, and are well taken care of to the best of my abilities.
BF is totally fine with this idea as well (as I am with taking care of his parents if need be).
The choice is never easy
Should you decide to put your parents into a nursing home or not, the choice is never easy.
No choice is right or wrong, it’s only right for you, when you have to consider the financial costs of doing so as well.
I know a guy who’s mother is in her 90s and is experiencing a lot of trouble trying to live alone.
She basically can’t move or go to the bathroom without help, so she lies in bed until the day nurse comes to help her get out of bed, wash her, change her and feed her.
If the nurse can’t make it… well, she lies in the bed alone and soils herself.
He lives in another province so he flies back when he can, but the nursing homes they’re looking into are all booked up until one of the residents dies.
It’s harsh, but that’s reality.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
Our verdict is in: We were selfish to bring an elderly parent into our home; we should have never done it. Put them into a home of some sort with other elderly folks and I will tell you why. My 84 year old MIL was living back east with her brain injured son and her grandson. She was cooking, cleaning, paying bills, doing it all for them when she decided enough was enough and moved out west with us. We thought she would help, not do it all, but help. She moved in, sat down and has never gotten back up. We are watching her waste away and have felt like we have done more damage by letting her live with us. Her own Dr has told her she needs more activity in her day. You see, we are literally gone 20 hours a day. Between our sleep time and work time there is no one around to motivate her. She is sleeping the vast majority of the 20 hours or watching television. In hindsight and I will yell this from the mountain tops, we should have brought her here, put her into a facility and taken off a month to stay with her in the facility so she could get used to it and get a routine going. The facilities we have looked at have activities, people to mingle with and make friends with, a dining room to walk to, hair days, nail days, movie days, entertainment days, etc. So, if you have any sense at all please heed our warning. Now that she is here and moved in it is impossible to get her out without hurting feelings. Don’t let them move in in the first place.