When I wrote about my bad work day last week, a lot of commenters wondered a couple of things:
- Why didn’t I just quit the project
- Why didn’t I fight back
- If I could have talked to the boss aside and told her how rude she was
- Whether or not I’d internalize this conflict
The main point I want to bring up is that I’m my own representative when I am working for these companies with clients.
Why didn’t I just quit the project?
It’s unprofessional
When you are in a project that is about to finish, you can’t quit it just because of one bad meeting out of 6 months of work.
I’ve only left a project once, and I felt bad leaving them, but it was because I really couldn’t take it any longer. You have to push me a lot, and pretty hard to get me to quit on a project.
See, as a consultant who only works for short periods of times at companies, it’s like saying you will walk out of every job you ever took that made you upset.
You’ll never make any money, and you’re going to run into bad apples and you’ll have to learn how to deal with it
If I quit, that would not only make me look bad, but it would make my amazing team look bad and the client would suffer in the end, which does not bode well for everyone.
You don’t leave a project unless there’s a damn good reason like a family emergency, traumatic experience and so on. This was a blip.
It’s career suicide
I only care about the client in the end. If they like what you do, 9 times out of 10, they’ll ask for you by name to come back over anyone else.
If you quit, they’ll remember you as the consultant who quit on them in the eleventh hour.
They won’t remember ANYTHING good about you or what you did, except that you left them.
If by some miracle they hire you back again because you were good, they’ll always have their guard up, thinking that you’ll up and leave them at any time or be a total flake, which never makes for a good working relationship.
Being too sensitive in the workplace to every little thing is not in the cards, especially for something as trivial as this in the grand scheme.
It isn’t my fault and everyone who matters knows it
99% of what I did was good, they were just nitpicking, and a lot of what I “missed” was their fault and they know it. They just felt unusually aggressive because the boss was in the room so they wanted to prove a point, and they were trying to cover their butts in front of her.
It was the first time in 6 months something like this happened
Every project has so many people on it, you just can’t help but rub someone the wrong way, or work with someone who doesn’t like you.
10% of the people whom you work with, will be difficult. You will be lucky if the other 90% are amazing.
If it becomes a problem, then yes you can. But this was the first time in 6 months that a meeting like this had happened.
Would you quit if in a year, this kind of thing rarely happens and happened only once where you got yelled at for something you didn’t do? I wouldn’t.
There’s a certain level of abuse anyone should take, and this was not it. I’d only quit if it was every day, even every week where I would have to endure this and this was not the case.
Their anger was misplaced, and in the end, thinking back, I think they felt like it was normal to scream at a consultant. Their normal way of working is to be aggressive and frothy-mouthed, which makes me really not want to be an employee of their company to have to deal with that on a daily basis.
Credit
Why didn’t I “fight” back and defend myself?
It isn’t worth it
Frankly, their opinion is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Only an idiot fights with idiots. (They’ll drag you down to your level and beat you with experience. I can’t remember who said that but it’s true.)
The client really likes me, the team is amazing and the head executive of the project thinks I’m great. These people in the meetings are middle managers and employees.
So what if they get mad at me, and verbally abuse me and my work? I not only have witnesses in the room who know I do a good job, but they can vouch for what happened in that room later.
If they want to bring it up to my project manager and to the executives that I “missed” something important, then they’ll have a fight on their hands, when people who matter are involved.
They’re jealous and scared because they don’t know their jobs
This kind of “abuse” comes with the territory as an outsider, and a paid consultant who charges you $$$$/hour.
They’re just projecting.
I know that they know I’m charging a lot of money, and most of it goes into my pocket.
As a result, they expect a certain level of awesomeness, far beyond the standards they set for themselves. They also felt bad that they didn’t catch this crap sooner.
It’s just when it comes down to very nitpicky things, they want everything “perfect” because they’re scared when I leave, things will blow up because they won’t be able to handle it, so they love and they hate having you there.
This is the problem of every project, trying to learn what the consultant did before she or he leaves, and in the end, I probably know their business better than they do before I go, which makes them doubly insecure.
If I could have talked to the boss aside and told her how rude she was
No, why would I bother?
She’s a middle manager who’s department is taking over, and not part of our project.
I don’t work with her on a daily basis.
She was just power tripping because our executive wasn’t in the room, nor our project manager. She wanted to prove something to her employees about how tough she was, and they responded in the like.
There’s no point in bringing her aside and telling her she was rude.
I don’t really care, unless she brings it up to the client or tries to badmouth me to my own team.
I actually pity their pathetic posturing. They’re all blustering, yelling, getting angry, frothy-mouthed just to cover up the fact that they have incompetent employees and they’re trying to pin the blame on the outsiders instead to cover their butts.
Only if she badmouths me to anyone else, the executive already knows that it isn’t true, because I briefed him on what happened and he was pretty annoyed with their behaviour in treating us outsiders.
I’ll take the money and they can say what they want
I was charging a lot of money to have them berate me, so I took the money right out of their pockets while they were talking, so to speak.
In the future, I’m going to be a lot more careful when dealing with them and I’ll remember how to handle them.
There’s no sense in getting angry at them. They’re like caged dogs barking at a stranger — they haven’t learned how to react any other way, so how can I blame them?
I always have choices
If it comes down to this company and another, I’ll just take whatever OTHER project is available, rather than going back to them.
As a freelancer, it’s nice to be able to choose or say “No” to projects and clients you don’t like.
Better yet, I’ll ask for more money, with a premium for “anticipated hardship”. 😉
Whether or not I’d remember this
I don’t internalize these conflicts
Thinking back to all my other projects where I got yelled at, I don’t feel anything when I think about those days.
I just remember what happened, and what I learned from it.
Now if I did something bad, or truly embarrassed myself, or hurt someone in the heat of the moment without thinking it through, yes.
I will remember THAT for the rest of my life.
If it’s something like this — a petty manager blustering and employees responding in the like, it’s all bark and no bite for me.
I’ve learned how not be impulsive and say what I will eventually regret
I’ve been there and done that, and the better strategy is just to keep your mouth shut.
I have a fast temper and a quick mouth to match, and it has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past.
This experience will become an emotionless memory by next week
I just needed to talk it out and vent which is why I love having a blog 🙂
Once I vent, I’m usually fine afterwards, especially if it was just a high-emotion, intense situation that leaves you drained but has no lasting impact.
I won’t remember this as a bad, or traumatic experience, as I will remember it as a future note to myself on HOW to handle these things.
No matter who you are, what you do and where you work, you will have conflict
Basically, you can never shy away from conflict, because you will just handicap yourself for dealing with life and reality.
Even if you work for yourself, like I do, you have to deal with clients.
Everyone has to deal with a client or a boss in any job that they do, and there is no job in the world that I can think of, where you will never have to deal with conflict.
It’s unrealistic, and if you have to work with all kinds of personalities, it’s best that you know how to deal with them rather than ignoring the situation and refusing to learn how to fight effectively.
If I ran away from every conflict or fight that came my way (not that it’s in my nature), I wouldn’t be who and where I am today.
FINAL WORDS: Practical tactics for dealing with haters
Michael Nelson of Ready, Fire, Aim, shared one of the best links I’ve read in a long time on this, written by Tim Ferriss on how to deal with haters, and here are the major points:
- It doesn’t matter how many people don’t get it. What matters is how many people do.
- 10% of people will find a way to take anything personally. Expect it.
- “Trying to get everyone to like you is a sign of mediocrity.” (Colin Powell)
- “If you are really effective at what you do, 95% of the things said about you will be negative.” (Scott Boras)
- “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” (Epictetus)
- “Living well is the best revenge.” (George Herbert)
- Keep calm and carry on.
So I’m not trying to change the world at my job, but what he’s listed out is true. I just need to learn how to not respond aggressively when emotions are running high.
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Thank you so much for writing this. A lot of people would have been immature and stomped out. I agree, sometimes you want to do those things and sometimes, especially when you're feeling personally attacked, you want to leave. Now, I'm not saying you need to put up with abuse in the work place. I'm not saying that at all. But sometimes, for a lot of reasons, this stuff happens, and the best thing you can do is sit there, nod and say okay, you'll do better next time. I've learned that since I've become a supervisor trusted with my own location.
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Thanks 🙂 All I can do is do better.
So true. Plus, no one respects the type of people who chew other people out. And giving it back as good as you get just makes you look bad – it doesn't make you look any better to "stand up for yourself."
No one cares about what this lady thinks, otherwise she wouldn't have to yell to be heard.
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Oh I like that —> \”No one cares about what this lady thinks, otherwise she wouldn\’t have to yell to be heard.\”
"Only idiots fight with idiots" — love this! That captures everything so perfectly — pick your battles wisely — great job!
Thanks 🙂
I haven't read the previous blog post (going to do it in a minute), but this piece of advice is something that I would have needed very very badly during my first job. Granted, I dealt with my own boss, and not some middle management who I'd never see, not to mention I always felt horribly underpaid.
But I definitely agree, that sometimes shutting up, especially if you will still receive the money and a lot of it too, can sometimes be worth it. Also, not being a consultant, I can't exactly just up and go whenever there is a conflict. Would look very bad on my CV… well not that I'd write that in there, but they can always call the company for references or something like that.
Oh right. References. That\’s another good point I forgot to mention.
Great timing on this post! I agree with you and just responded very politely via email to a co-worker on an ego trip. Your post calmed me down too! 🙂
Ditto. It\’s not a big deal for me any more.
Awesome post. I learned about 10 years ago to defend myself to a degree, not internalize or take anything personally, and keep on trucking.
I'm not a consultant, just a regular employee. But it has served me very very well. I have done quite a job training my bosses, I must say. (Ya know, I'm not interested in being the boss, working 60 hrs a week. So the guys that TAKE that job, I gently steer them in the right direction. So they don't go postal.)
Great work. I wanted to tell you that last week too.
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HAHAHAH! \”steer them in the right direction\”.
I\’m not interested in being a boss or manager either.
I disagree yet again. There is a difference between professionalism and letting people bully you even in the workplace. You could have told this person that you're doing your best and she doesn't have to yell at you. You didn't have to quit, you didn't have to yell or scream, you could have responded back in a calm demeanor and you did stay calm but you should have stood up for yourself in a diplomatic way.
That's something that I learned from customer service, in customer service once in awhile we get people who get all psycho, they yell, their voice gets loud, they attack you. The best way is to stay calm, and honestly they're trying to get your goat. I've noticed that some of them get even madder when you do stay calm I think that's because some of them are having a very bad day and want to make your day worse, they're just looking for someone else to hurt.
Anyway, even though I disagree with how you went about it. I do wish you well. I hate it when people bully others. You're right life is full of conflicts, even if you do work for yourself. Even if you weren't a consultant and were some wealthy person who didn't have to work, you'd still have conflicts. But I don't agree that you have to put up with verbal assaults just because you're a consultant.
I know you're a consultant, I know they pay you, but you shouldn't have to deal with that abuse. Maybe you think its normal to have that in the workplace but its not normal and you shouldn't expect to be verbally abused. I'm sorry but I disagree with you. I really, really do. I'm not saying you have to run away but there is a way to be professional diplomat in the workplace without being a bitch.
Anyway I wish you will even though I disagree with you on this. I really hope that the next company you consult for treats you well, and yes yes I know you brush it away with "they pay me, etc." blah! They should treat you right too!! Good luck.
What you\’re suggesting makes sense in theory, but I think you\’d be a very lucky person to never have had to have a job or any kind of conflict where you simply didn\’t have to consider the consequences — either for money, for your family, keeping your job, not having the luxury just to stand up and just \”walk away\” and not deal with the aftermath of what it does to your career and reputation.
I could have definitely spoken up and I wanted to, but I am not short-sighted.
If it was something important, then yes. If not, then why bother fighting? I\’d be fighting for something with an impact in the short term, but the long-term would be even worse. Reputation is big in the business as a consultant.
No one called me an idiot, no one verbally attacked me, they just simply said really harshly that I didn\’t do my job, I didn\’t check everything, etc. They didn\’t attack me personally, as in calling me names.
It would be nice to tell everyone off, and be as proactive as what you\’re describing, but reality is not like that.
There are plenty of \”unfair\” things that go on, that people can\’t say anything about, because that\’s just how some people operate. And unfortunately, they\’re in higher positions or whatever else, but in the grand scheme of things, you can\’t just \”tell them off\” or tell them they\’re being rude. It just puts more fuel on the fire.
I completely agree with you on every point, I think our generation has been spoilt to the point where they feel like they can and have every right to just up and quit when things get hard/don't go their way.
Handling it any differently would totally have resulted in career suicide especially, if you work in a small or well connected field. Everyone always knows everyone.
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I am definitely in one of those word of mouth fields.
Thank you for posting those quotes especially! I'm working on a novel at the moment and I'm REALLY relating to number five every time I get a critique! It stings, but it's all helpful!
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Well it still doesn\’t take the sting out of it if it hurts. 🙂
I work in a department where I provide internal support for the rest of the company. you can call it customer service. I get phone calls that tells me I don't know how to do my job, and nasty emails basically stating that I am an obstacle to the company (some are actually CC-ed to my manager and my manager's manager) on a weekly basis. I know I am just doing my job, and since I'm at the bottom of the food chain they like to target me.
As long as your boss thinks you are great, you don't really have to worry about a thing. I just laugh it off everything I receive those phone calls and emails, because they are the ones who's get real issues. A happy person will not blow up, so they are actually really sad.
p.s. I always picture me throwing cake at their face afterwards, and it does make me feel much better.
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*LAUGH*!!!
I will mentally throw cake at their face. Thank you 🙂
I once worked for a truly bipolar boss. I listened to more rants and tirades than I cared for. You know what most people's impression of me was, "man, she's a saint for putting up with that." Meanwhile I was STEWING, but Manhattan is a small island, and I know that I'll run into someone who works for or knows that crazy bitch, and they'll give me kudos for sticking with it for that long.
*LAUGH*
\”You work for that crazy bitch, Sandy?\”
\”Oh hell yes\”
\”You\’re a saint and you must have the patience of Mother Teresa. You\’re hired.\”
My hat is off to you girl! You are a very professional and a well balanced person.
If I had a company I would hire you in a minute because the bottom line is you care about the client (customer) and are willing to go the extra mile for this. That's the difference between a good company and a successful company. It's the employee behind the company.
Thank you. It is still a struggle for me, but I feel like I\’m starting to get better. Maybe in 10 years I\’ll be zen. 🙂
Are people really that naive that they think at the first problem, you take your ball and go home like an elementary school child? Even at the most terrible jobs I had, when I wanted to walk out in a huff, I never left without having another job lined up first. And that was in a much better economy than we have now.
You are a tough cookie, WendyB 🙂 Even now, I am so impressed and excited to read all the blog posts you do to give us the glimpse into your life as a jewellery designer.
It's pretty much always better to vent elsewhere and come back to fight your battles calmly when you've decided a fight must be had. I cannot think of a time when it would be worse not to unless it comes to protesting something completely outrageous to defend someone defenseless.
Hear hear. If I hear someone badmouth something or try to blame me.. then yea, I\’ll fight if it\’s worth it. If not, it\’s just petty.
It would be nice if we lived in a world where yelling just wasn't used in the workplace. I'm pretty sure it's possible to run a successful business without the use of grilling. But like you said in your original article, she may have had other things going on.
It would be nice if everyone could grin and bear it like you did – though, we wouldn't be talking about this if everyone kept their cool, would we. 🙂
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*laugh* I guess not. I\’m not the most cool-headed person but I learned it the hard way to SHUT. UP.
It\’s hard not to fight back when you\’re being personally poked, but I just have to take it in stride and learn how to grit and smile. The tension was nasty in the room. Everyone breathed a sigh when people started leaving.
Great advice! I agree that conflict is inevitable, and obviously you handled it well both in the moment and in the aftermath (not letting it get to you, etc.). There are two colleagues. out of dozens, I have to deal with occassionally that I can't stand. To avoid them would mean to get another job, and I like my job a lot. I deal with them as calmly and professionally as possible. Everyone in my field can't stand these two particular people, so I know it's not just me. I really like the Colin Powell quote-in dealing with these two people ethically and professionally, I've undoubtedly pissed them off on occasion (when I wouldn't go along with something outrageous they wanted me to do), but I've gained the respect of many other colleagues (who's opinions count a lot more with me personally and in terms of my professional reputation). If I tried to make these two outliers like me, I would have looked like a spineless wimp who doesn't care about her clients, which is not true and I wouldn't want people to think that of me. You really have to look at the big picture in these cases-I have a friend who used to say, "is this gravestone material" (as in, would this be important enough to carve into your gravestone)-if the answer is no, let it go.
Exactly. If they don\’t matter, if it won\’t matter, then try and calm down and relax through it.
Meant to say this in the original post, but your handling of this seems very impressive. Level-headedness under fire is a severely under-appreciated and underrepresented skill. Plus maintaining your cool while someone is freaking out at you can fluster the freaking out people and that's always fun.
I count myself lucky to work at a company where I haven't seen much of this. Sure there's plenty of posturing and trying to cover yourself but there's very little, if any, open berating. Especially in the group I work for.
It was one of the worst meetings I ever had to go through with a client. Never in my career have I ever had that kind of verbal strip down over something I consider fairly minor.
I found this post to be extremely well-written and helpful. I'll keep it in mind next time I'm running a meeting full of teachers who dislike statewide assessment tests while we review next year's exam. (That's tricky!)
I think you are handelling it extremely professionally, and many people wouldn't. Many people woud let thier emotions get in the way. So I applaud you.
Conflict is a part of life, and a huge part of the workplace. Unfourtunatly, there are politics that come into play in any workplace, & although they're sometimes negative, successful people learn to work around them. I think you're doing a great job of that!
Thanks Daisy. I can\’t say I\’m successful at it yet but it\’s a work in progress.
Congratulations on not flying off the handle. People get upset and get mean. It happens. Deal with it and get over it. The best way to never work for that company again would have been to prove some manager wrong and make them look dumb in front of a lot of people.
Good job, and shame on those commenters who think the appropriate response is an emotional overreaction.
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Or to work for them again but ask for more. 🙂
And no shaming of commenters please. 🙂
Thanks for this – what timely advice for me. I’m just now dealing with a similar conflict and can learn from you on how to resist my impulse to explode. I can also learn from how the woman acted, and how not to act toward my staff. Cheers!
Good luck with everything then. It can be hard not to lose sight.
You absolutely did the right thing. It was extremely professional how you handled yourself and in the end it will only help. To quit would have been disastrous even for your frame of mind, not only in your career. Once you start thinking quiting is an option a lot of other and better options go away.
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I\’m just chalking it up to experience. Thanks!
I think you took the only option available to you. You kept your cool, showed your professionalism, and walked away with 6 months of work well done behind you. Plus you got well paid, it was win win for FB
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Thanks 🙂