Some great comments from my earlier post about not making empty promises. One reader in particular, Layla, pointed out that they just may be shy.
Shy enough to not know what to say or to see the implications of what they’re saying and they weren’t taught those “rules”.
I never even thought of that, so thanks for bringing it up. 🙂
I should point out that I wrote the post with a specific situation in mind, that in hindsight I should have explained more about.
The Situation
There’s this one guy who keeps making vague promises about meeting up “sometime” and then when we take the initiative to call or to email them and say: Hey how does this weekend work for you?, he does a vague excuse to get out of it, and/or he just plays email or phone tag.
To top it off, he only calls when he needs something, like career or job advice, or just to get in touch with our networks.
Not only that, when we FINALLY set a date and a time to meet with him, 100% of the time without fail (I have actually made a note of this each time), he will either email or call our phone to cancel or reschedule.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It’s a pattern so much so that BF and I actually made bets on when he’ll call or email.
Me: Will he email or call this time to cancel?
BF: Call. He knows email is not something we check constantly.
Me: But I never answer the phone. I always have it on vibrate and it goes to voicemail.
BF: I put my bet on call.
Me: Okay, and I’m saying he’ll call… 2 hours before the meet this time.
BF: I say 3 hours before, because he wants us to have time to check the phone.
Me: 3 hours? That’s too much advance notice.
BF: He learned his lesson from the last time. 😛
In the past, we just ignore both calls and emails, and show up at the spot at the agreed upon time. We don’t give in to this manipulative kind of behaviour.
That kind of attitude is bullshit because it tells us by his actions that he basically found something better to do than to keep his promise and meet up with us.
It’s fake and annoying so we’ve cut off all communication with this person.
He isn’t the only person, and in general, I’m tired of people who say those things but consistently never mean it.
CULTURAL/SOCIAL WHITE LIES
I guess I’m just frustrated with the whole cultural idea of saying nice, white lies you don’t mean, just to be polite to others.
I’m not saying it’s wrong or that it’s stupid.
I understand its purpose, but it’s very difficult for someone like me who is more direct in nature to deal with.
I know in Layla’s case, she clearly pointed out that shy people mean to meet up, they just never learned how to have awesome social skills to realize what they’re saying could be misconstrued.
That, I don’t have a problem with.
I think saying you want to meet up sometime, and then following up within 3 weeks is fantastic!
But it’s those people who say vaguely “hey let’s hang out some time” and then drop off the face of the earth until you are forced to run into them again, that really ruin it for them.
SO WHAT ARE SOME GOOD BASE RULES?
I basically have to learn how to treat others as they treat me. BF tells me I’m too trusting and full of excuses for others’ actions, and upon reflection… he’s absolutely right.
I pretty much let people I care about and love, walk all over me so to speak; but all that does is just make it worse and make me frustrated.
I need to stop trying to be the one to do it all, all the time. I should certainly give them the benefit of the doubt, but that window should close some time, not be open indefinitely.
Here are some of my thoughts, I’d love to hear yours.
If you are the one to say you want to meet up, then it’s on you to call and email.
You said it, you do it. Don’t expect the other person to take the lead.
If you make plans with someone, don’t break them all the time.
There are extenuating circumstances to be sure, but when you break a meeting that someone has spent time scheduling their day around, you are telling them they aren’t worth your time.
Or indirectly saying that you’ve found something better to do and they’re just a backup social plan that you can cancel on your highness’ whim.
Don’t call or talk to a person only when you need something from them.
My one sibling does this a lot to me. I’ve taken to just ignoring his emails/calls as payback.
When you only call when you need something, it tends to be a pretty loud and clear, repetitive message.
It’s disrespectful because it tells us indirectly: Hey you’re only good for when I need your help but not good enough to keep a casual acquaintance with you outside of that.
Don’t say you want to meet up when you really don’t.
Just smile, say hello, how are you and move on. Don’t make empty promises.
I don’t do this any more. I used to, yes. But then I realized how exhausting it is to lie, even a little white lie.
If someone doesn’t genuinely try to contact you, they don’t want to see you.
I know indirectly it might seem like they’re just busy, but we’re all busy.
People generally have enough time to do everything they want, so if they don’t want to do it, they won’t.
So when they don’t contact you, and if you try to make some sort of contact, but get a “sometime” brushoff more than 2-3 times, then take the hint.
Be on time or call if you are running late.
Nothing irks me more than being late. I hate being late, and I’m always stupid enough to believe that other people operate by the same rules.
My mother drilled into me a healthy fear of being late. I’m always 5-10 minutes, sometimes half an hour early for appointments or even interviews.
I always try to text or call if I am running late (or even if I think I MIGHT be even 5 minutes late), because it shows respect for the other person’s time as well.
What are some of your social rules?
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Well they always say that promises are meant to be broken, but I say to them it all depends on the person making the promise. Please keep posting in here.
I used to use the lines you mention a lot, but I always did follow up within months if not weeks. My schedules were always hectic, and it was difficult to put down a certain date and time. Also I've always been too polite, so it's nice to say those things to acquaintainces, but I'd be more specific with close friends. Now I realize that I should use less of those lines after reading your blog on the topic. Due to my schedule, besides bf, I try to spend more time with family and a circle of close friends. I just don't have time for acquaintainces except to chat whenever we do run into each other. We will chat about life and work in general, and I try not to make any promises.. . .
Great entry 🙂
I used to be really shy (my parents had a hard time getting me to answer the phone) but I've gotten better. However, until I read your earlier entry, I didn't really think twice whenever I said "we should hang out sometime" (I'm less shy now, and I have a cell phone with texting – so I have no excuse for not following through!)
When I saw you mentioned me by name, I did a little double-take and my immediate reaction was "oh geez, internet-people notice me! That's outside my comfort zone." Weirdly enough, I think that's my cue to start my blog I've been thinking about 🙂
*laugh* Start your own blog! I think what you have to say is interesting, at least from your comments 🙂 I am .. one of the internet people? 🙂 I reply to every comment, so I am bound to read and post. 🙂
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One of my social rules is "don't overwhelm people". With emails, phone calls, IMs, unannounced visits. I have an aquintance who always does that (well, she did, until I moved to Canada). We are friends, sort of, but not super close. She seems to think that, though. So dropping by at 9 am when you know full well my plane landed at 1am the previous night, is not appreciated.
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It's like you read my mind today – I dislike the habit of calling someone only when you need something.
A quick text to say "hey" makes me all the more willing to help you out of that tight spot with some cash or drive four hours to pick you up. I'm just saying!
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I have a friend who works in the same building as me (only PT though). Occasionally we text/Facebook and once in a while run into each other on the way in / out, but as often as she suggests we meet up one day when we're both working (we both do weekends) it never happens.
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When I a teen I used to be VERY SHY. I'm out of that for the most part, what helped me is to practice being more social. You really have to practice at it, small steps get you there. I think people have to take some chances. I don't think you have to turn into a social butterfly but it does help to be more outgoing in life.
Speaking of niceties it kind of reminds me of some scams I almost got myself into and how because I was trying to be nice people would try to talk me into them.
When I was in my late teens to early twenties, because I wanted to be nice, I used to let people try to talk me into things. Some of these things turned out to be scams. I never got too far into them because I saw it for what it was eventually, but now that I'm 28 I would just walk out on the pitches. In society girls are told to be nice and brought up to be nice to others, that's fine, but not when your money is on the line.
In the U.S. there's this company called Vector Marketing they hire young college students to do independent door to door sales of Cutco knives. So I was there in the 2nd day of training when I found out we had to pay for $100 knife kit. I didn't have that kind of money, I was broke, and in my past jobs they provided uniforms and training for you. So I asked the manager why they didn't provide the knife kits.
She said that employers might steal them. So I didn't like that and because I didn't have $100 for a knife kit I quit. Plus I've never stolen from an employer so why would I start back then? This was around the early 2000s.
Technically they're not quite a scam because they do sell things but I considered it a scam because you're not supposed to pay money to an employer, the employer is supposed to pay you money. Yes there are some job investments as clothes, college education, gas for your car, parking meter, etc. But that's it.
Then a couple of years ago I wanted to try out this school called the Arts Instructions Schools. It was a correspondence school, a famous artist that started the Peanuts comic was a graduate from there. I called them, they said "oh we have a rep. in your city, he's leaving by the end of the week, but lets set up a meeting so you can meet him and see if you want to try it."
So the rep called me, and then he tried to pressure me to sign up, I said I didn't have enough money and that all my cards were at home. He then wanted to come home with me to get me to pay to sign up. That was SO CREEPY! I said no thanks.
Another time on campus this guy tried to get me to go to a meeting where you would have an opportunity to earn money. But just that he was so vague about it, I didn't want to go with him somewhere and I didn't know him that well. But he was all "well you'll make all this money, and if you get referrals, etc." I was all whatever.
I dk what it is about being young that makes companies and people want to target young people for sales, scams, etc. IMO they believe young people are NAIVE and have less experience so they're easier targets.
In all these situations I tried to be nice and reason with them and tried to figure out why they were doing that, but now that I'm older, I don't do that anymore. I avoid being nice in these situations. I appreciate that my parents brought me up to be a decent person, but niceties should be avoided when it comes to getting ripped off.
And some of these people will keep pushing like the art school rep even if you decline nicely. I couldn't believe he wanted to come home with me! I hate it when they just won't take no for an answer. So I've given up being nice in these situations.
Being honest with yourself is always a good idea. It applies to social situations as well. I think people get more hurt when they realize someone was just kind of faking being a friend rather than if the person has been honest about not wanting to spend time with the person.
Here's one, as a guy, I can't agree with.
Don’t call or talk to a person only when you need something from them.
I'd rather you not waste my time with small talk every now and then. Just call me when you want to hang out or if you need something. If you're a family member or old friend, I don't need to maintain a daily or weekly relationship with you. I actually would prefer not to. If you are calling me too much, then I'll start to ignore you.
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I don't think that's quite what FB is getting at.
Calling to get together is completely different from calling because you need a favour (or some other type of thing). Calling to schedule a get together is a social activity that does maintain your relationship. Calling only when you need a favour is a leech.
Eventually, you ditch the leeches because a relationship cannot be only a "give" type relationship.