What I hate the most is empty promises.
Such as from the following phrases:
We should talk sometime.
Let’s do this again sometime.
Sounds like a great idea, and I’ll definitely follow up on it sometime.
We must do coffee sometime.
I know it might seem like you’re trying to be friendly, open and nice… but it’s annoying and dare I say, disrespectful.
You aren’t being friendly to me when you say that.
You’re telling me:
You aren’t worth the time and the breath to set up a real meeting, appointment, or whatever with.
This is really just a way to tell you that if you really want to meet me, you’ll have to chase me, because I am not going to bother trying.
When I read or hear any of those above sentences, that end with “sometime” for the most part, I know the person doesn’t mean it.
The addition of “sometime” at the end, is just a socially acceptable brushoff.
Sometimes (*grin*), you don’t even need to hear the sometime: “We should talk.” … is also a brushoff when there isn’t an action to follow through on that empty promise.
If you want to talk, you do it now, or you set up a date in the future to do it, and you say:
We should talk sometime. How about next week?
We should meet up sometime. How do your next few weeks look like?
or
We should get together for a coffee the next time I’m in town. I’ll give you a call/email.
Ah hah!
There. A set date, a set time, and real commitment.
In emails, in real life, on the telephone.
Don’t say you’re going to want to do something, or want to talk to somebody, if you are just going to brush it off with a “sometime” at the end.
Either say that you want to do something, and then set up a date and time.
Or don’t say anything at all.
The only other time it could be acceptable, is if you say: We should meet up sometime for coffee.
…and then you take the initiative to call or email them to actually do that. But if you just leave it hanging as a “gee who is going to contact who?” you might as well not say anything at all.
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I’ve noticed that the people who give the social brush offs or empty comments FREQUENTLY blame the person they stood up. “Why didn’t you call me?” etc. and it doesn’t matter if you did call them. They are good at manipulation…period. If they start an argument about why YOU rejected/ignored/stood them up, then you can’t call them on what they did, right? In the event that I’ve been direct and honest with people like this, they’ve found that another reason to reject/criticize/blame me. That’s alright…..that’s their game. I’m not into it. They are actually doing me a favor by not showing up. After a while, I won’t bother to show up either…..LOL. Who would know?
*nod*
“They shouldn’t have picked that time”… “It’s not a place I can even get to by subway..” etc etc
2 of my circle of close friends lately kinda get on my nerves. They live close to each other, and granted they live closer to the city than me. I am 45 minutes from where they live, and I have lots of very nice restaurants near my house. Everytime we get together they always make me drive to the restaurants near their house. I don't mind since I drive well, one of my friends is afraid of driving on highway, ok I get it, and I am ok with that. The other friend often commutes across state to visit her siblings, so I don't what her excuse is for not wanting to hang out near my house. Anyway, last they made up a plan at last minute like call an hour before and say hey lets get together and eat, and expect me to join them, I said "NO!"
That would annoy me too. I think people set their own priorities and it can be disheartening but it makes me feel like I am not one.
Heh, this happened to me a few times. It never really bothered me though, since it always came from people I barely knew or haven't seen in YEARS. So it was kind of a relief to think of it like "Yeah sure, sometime… in the very very distant future… maybe".
I did do something even worse on a date. The guy didn't talk. I mean our conversation was something like I talked and talked and talked and then looked over at him expectantly and he told me to keep talking. I was extremely awkward. So at the end when I saw him looking over at me so happily saying we should meet again. I said "Yeah we should… maybe". I mentally cringed at the way that sounded, so I immediately made my excuses. I cant do subtle apparently.
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Well but you said \”maybe\”… 😛
It was a very very half-hearted "maybe". 😛
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I like this post. In a way I kind of disagree though. I use a lot of those lines. For the most part, I try and make set plans with certain days and times, but with mine and my friends busy lives, it's near impossible.
When we talk and say "We need to hang out again sometime." it's okay because we have no idea when we're going to be free.
I still like to try and make set plans but sometimes it's hard.
My take on this is kind of what Josh Sundquist's take is: WATCH this video!
I know he's talking about trying to pick up girls, but in a way anybody can use that line and he gives great reasons for it.
I'm also still pretty young and awkward, and granted I can talk people's ears off but making plans sometimes is awkward. I actually use the "We must do coffee sometime." a LOT. 🙁
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LOL! I will definitely watch that video, thanks.
I think if you say \”We should do coffee sometime. What\’s your schedule like?\” it shows a commitment… at least for me it does.
Yeah I usually ask about their week plans or whatever, and if they are always so busy and can't manage a bit of time (or at least put in the effort to) then it shows they really don't care.
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Yep for the most part the people whom say this don't mean it. I used to do it but then I quit doing it because it feels like you're lying to them. Lets face it there are certain people that you will only see at work or in college or at a local coffee house, they're nice and everything but its not like you're going to hang out with them. Its not that I do it to be mean, but I only have certain hours I can devote to my friends and bf, and I'd rather spend it with the friends closest to me.
I also think its fake to say you're going to miss a co-worker when you know you won't. I think its dumb to say certain niceties just to say them like "Oh yea lets meet up even though you won't work here anymore…" Yeah I stopped doing that in my early twenties, no one means that anyway. The friends that do stay in touch don't say "stay in touch" they'll IM, or come over or something and I do the same to them.
I think people say lets stay in touch when there's nothing to say or they want a nice ending to your meeting. IMO its much honest and nicer to say "it was nice meeting you, thanks."
Tell me about it. The co-worker faking is something that\’s hard for me to do. I just say: Give me your contact info and I\’ll keep you in mind for future things.
Agree, agree, agree with you! "sometimes" must be a disease of Northern America. I could not stand it when I first moved to the USA to hear that. "Sometimes" is not a time of the day or a week day. When someone tell me they would love to get together with me, I pull out my planner and say, ok, let's do it. WHEN? I give only 1-2 chances to the "offender" to do as they say, and then… then I blow them off 😉
Recently my husband and I met a student from Pakistan. We really liked his personality and my hubby wanted to invite him over. So, he told him so. "When?" the said student asked. That was priceless! We immediately scheduled his visit with us.
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I love that you always tell it like it is!!! 🙂 Great post! I tend to not keep people like this in my life… I have a few "fair-weathered" friends, but I don't count on them for anything and when they make "plans" with me, I just nod my head and say "uh huh", knowing that it'll never materialize.
Oh!! So agree!! I've been having this problem with a girl I met not to long ago. She's nice and all, but man it is so annoying when she's like, "Let's get together here soon." Then I try to follow up with her, and don't hear from her till a week later after I asked her to meet up. Not fun. 😛 Have a good weekend!!
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I so agree with everything you said! great post
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I had a friend who used to do this all the time. That or she'd refuse to pin down a date/time until they knew whether or not she had something better going on. I was sick of it, so the last time she brushed me off I "fell off". It's funny how much better you feel when you're not putting up with disrespectful treatment from someone anymore.
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This one bother me the most – "let's keep in touch." Whatever, nobody ever kept in touch after they say this.
What a sad world we live in.
Setting up a specific time is a great way to gain commitment. I have a bunch of college buddies in the Bay Area and they never see each other. When I go down, we always set up a dinner party and that's when everybody get to catch up again. Seems silly, but it works.
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Great points. It is hard to spend time with as many people as I want to spend time with, but I just have to schedule it.
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People should tell it like it is. Instead of "let's get together SOMETIME" and/or constantly rescheduling/cancelling saying "I CAN'T" or "I HAVE TO do this other thing", be honest. Say instead "It was nice seeing you, bye" and/or "I don't feel like keeping the appointment" or "I prefer to do this other thing" instead. ____Sure it's ruder or at least more blunt, but it's also more honest, and I feel, more respectful of the other person's time and intelligence. Like you said, "let's get together SOMETIME" is a VERY THINNLY veiled "I'm not going to expend any effort at keeping in contact with you", and really, how often do you HAVE to do something else, and HAVE NO CHOICE but to cancel on the other person? Probably never. No point in keeping up appearances of niceties if you're not going to treat the other person well anyway. Most people see through such b.s. and it breeds resentment in the end.
I couldn't agree more ~ it's an annoying thing to say to someone because when someone says it to me, I always think 'well why not set a date and time now??' I always KNEW it was a brushoff LOL Because, OK, I'll fess up here and say that yes, I've done it too. And you know what? I've always done it when I knew I wasn't going to follow up. I just wanted outta there in a nice, socially acceptable way. So, from now on, I'm just not going to say it anymore. If I have no intention of ever meeting up with someone again or if I'm just meeting up with people out of a sense of obligation, then I really have to acknowledge that neither side is getting their needs met so why bother? I'm pretty sure that people can tell when they're meeting up out of a sense of obligation. Guilt sucks!
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Those bother me, too. Along a similar vein are the people who ask "Why don't you call me?" or "Why doesn't she call us?" when the efforts to contact have been mutual. Unless they know you're particularly busy, it seems like they believe that they're too important/busy or that I should be so interested in them to want to seek them out.
I haven't established yet if, in either situation, that people simply have poor communication skills or if they're unconsciously being rude.
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Perhaps it depends on the person. Could be either one. Me, with this guy.. it is definitely being unconsciously rude.
One time I was on a date and I knew about 30 minutes in that I wasn't going to ask her out again, but we finished the date and I was ready to leave. I told myself, "Just say goodbye, Kevin." and I couldn't help it and I said "I had fun, we should do it again sometime." She got all excited and I felt like a huge jerk. I actually still do feel like a huge jerk about it.
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So those 10-30 minute coffee dates work then 🙂 I always thought flash dating made sense. Never tried it but I\’m trying to encourage my sister into it.
I didn't explain clearly enough. We went on a full date, but I knew within the first 30 minutes that I wasn't going to ask her out again.
To make matters worse/funnier/whatever you want to call it, I met this girl (#2) because I had a date with her sister (#1). When #1 wasn't ready when I showed up to pick her up for the date, I chatted with #2 for about 20 minutes. Then I went on the date with #1, it didn't work out. So later I asked #1 for her sister's number, and then went out with #2 and it didn't work out.
I meet girls in the strangest places…
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This is one of my biggest pet peeves! I'm pretty straight forward so I have a hard time with this kind of small talk.
Currently it's a game with me with one of my 'friends'. She runs into me and says, 'let's get together'. I respond, 'OK, how's next Tuesday?'. She says I'll give you a call when I get home and I have my calendar in front of me. I say, 'Great!'. She never calls…..it's happened 3 times! It's as if she can't get past the fact that our friendship has gone its coarse and we are acquaintances now and it's perfectly acceptable to just say, 'hey, how's it going!' AND NOTHING MORE!
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I just don\’t call or talk to them any more. I just say \”Hey\” and then that\’s it. If I want to call, I call.
While I agree with a lot of things you are saying (and thank you for explaining to me how to do this), I'd like to defend the shy people of the world. I'm sorry if this comment sounds a little defensive…
A lot of girls with amazing social skills say things because it's what they're expected to say, while other people (like my friends) say what they actually mean. I like it better that way: with the popular people I might accidentally be labelled disrespectful.
I think it depends on who is saying "we must hang out sometime". Sometimes you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, because they're introverted and (this sounds silly) were never taught what to say to plan something like that and they don't intuitively know what's the best time or place to go. Eventually they'll learn by example, watching TV, or reading it on a blog.
You make a fabulous point. I never thought about it that way — social skills not being as extroverted as what we\’re expecting.
Thanks for telling us. I do think though, that if you said \”hey let\’s hang out sometime\” and then followed up with an email or a call within 3 weeks or so, it\’s totally fine with me.
For me, it\’s specifically someone saying that, and then NOT following up or playing email/phone tag for months which makes me just give up.
My comment seems negative to me, so I'd like to add that I liked the post 🙂
It was not negative at all!
Please don\’t say or think that. Really. I liked that you brought up the introverted/lack of social knowledge aspect which I had no considered.
That's Paul's NY resolution! When he says 'let's meet up' to someone he gets out his phone and plugs in a reminder there and then. He says that it's made him more proactive.
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I do that too. When I say \”Let\’s meet up\”, I tend to follow up with: I\’ll call/email you.
And then I make a reminder and do it.
The only reason why *I* can be flaky is when I am not sure if contracts end when they say they should, when they end and what city I\’ll be in. But most people don\’t have my problems…
At my student counselor training, we were told that this is a problem that foreign students have trouble with when they first come to America. After learning that, I've tried hard to avoid doing that.
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Perhaps it is a learned thing in our culture to say that.
Me, I\’m more of a \”let\’s set a date and time\” person.
I don\’t like open dates, I don\’t like it when someone says: I\’ll call you whenever I arrive ..
No. Give me a time. A date. A place.
You are absolutely right, I just had,nt looked at it like that. I just hope I,ve never caused anyone to feel brushed off.
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It was more of a mini rant after trying to get in touch with someone. He kept saying: Sometime, sometime..
Drove me mad. I just gave up. And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to meet, but he just didn’t put us on a “priority of friends to meet”, which is where I realized his trick of “sometime”.
I've got someone who keeps doing that to me. He was supposed to come see my "new place" and have dinner 4 years ago. I've since moved from that new place, and he was supposed to come over multiple times and kept brushing me off.
We set a date in December, he facebooked the morning of, cancelling and said let's reschedule! I tried. Nothing happened. The ball is back in his court. At this point, why waste my time – you should probably consider the same thing. It doesn't matter if you used to have a great relationship with this person. People and circumstances change – and for some people, you say "yes, I am willing to try, because the situation warrants it", but for others … well, you have to know when to throw in the towel 😛
Oh that constant rescheduling is also annoying. I hate it when people call an hour before and beg off.
If it\’s once in a while, fine. BUT if I can COUNT on you calling an hour before you meet me, it means you found something better to do and I\’m just a backup plan.
(P.S. I finally have a real date of when I\’ll be back! )
I hate being the backup plan! I don't understand why people can't just follow through on their word! Granted, I have been sick and cancelled unexpectedly before, but I agree that once in awhile is far different from every time we agree to get together.
(excellent! my weekends are almost always open, Thursday's after work are normally good, and other nights it depends on the week. Once you figure out your schedule, we can plan something over email!)