This is a rule for myself that I created when I was starting to get out of debt. I had turned to my mom to ask her for budgeting support and help, and was not surprised when she said that my dad handled it all.
Considering that my dad is not the best money manager as you may recall from my way earlier posts, I knew I had to learn how to deal with my money on my own.
But my little short-lived conversation about money with my mom made me realize that it wasn’t just her — it was a LOT of people (women in particular) who are in the dark about their finances, living and spending blindly from day-to-day.
I read countless stories about women suddenly realizing after some tragic event that they were up the creek without a paddle, financially speaking.
My heart broke for them, to hear them recount their stories about being completely lost, and I never wanted to be one of them.
So the following is what I told myself and my lessons learned when I first started clearing my debt.
MY FIRST MONEY MANIFESTO: NEVER BE IN THE DARK ABOUT YOUR OWN MONEY
Don’t just hand over control to anyone else and say: “He/She will take care of it, and I will never, ever have to worry about the money again.”
It’s your money, and no one else has a more vested interest in what you spend, save and invest in.
Don’t be one of those women who wakes up one day after a nasty job loss, disability, divorce, separation, death, or all the bad things that do happen in life and says: “I don’t even know where to begin to figure out what to do.”
No one has a better interest in your money than yourself, and I don’t find it an acceptable excuse to say: “Oh but my ______ always took care of it for me.”
It’s fine to let _______ take care of your money for you, but YOU better know what they’re doing with it at a higher, big-picture level.
Always ask why they’re choosing to do something, like put your money into dividend producing mutual funds.
Don’t just take for granted that it is just what you do and you trust them wholly. Research it for yourself, and just become well-informed, if not, involved.
If anything happens – you’ll know why, or at least be able to take over with a small learning curve.
Princess routines are just self-loathing pity parties
I have done a couple of these, but they’re just an unproductive waste of time.
The reason why I am being so tough is because that sort of helpless woe-is-me princess routine doesn’t really hold any substance when you are faced with the prospect of having to eat cat food to survive, and working until you die instead of enjoying your golden years.
“I didn’t know!”, is not a good excuse any more.
People may sympathize in exceptional circumstances such as having to take care of another family member and therefore not having any income, or an unexpected disability – those are things in life that happen out of your control.
However, if you spent your whole life carelessly spending every dime and living life to the fullest because you couldn’t “take it with you to the grave”, we are not going to be as forgiving.
Especially if we’re the ones who worked hard and saved, and are not going to be open to bailing you out if you haven’t lived conscientiously.
Lower your expectations about someone or something swooping in to save you from your money mess, and save yourself.
The reality is you can really only depend on yourself.
People grow apart, break up, and leave our lives in all sorts of ways and we are the only constants in our own lives.
I am not saying that along the way you won’t meet wonderful people who will help you and do all sorts of neat and great things – I am saying you should prepare for the worst on your own instead of expecting the best to be handed to you on a silver platter.
The latter just creates inevitable disappointment.
So enjoy your money ……responsibly
It’s just a tool. Money doesn’t do anything – you are the one who can make money work for you or against you.
Nor am I saying that you will have to scrimp every penny and never enjoy a dime of it in fear of being a bag lady in a coffee shop eating lithium on on ice cream.
Just prepare for the worst, the best way that you possibly can with the resources you have available.
Some of us have more, some have less.
The key is just to do something about it for yourself instead of wasting your time comparing yourself to others — you live differently and within the constraints of what you have, and that’s it.
So that’s it. That’s what I told myself when I started and I am still following it to this day.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
When I was younger I didn’t care about saving money, I was just spending them on craps.But after a few bad experiences(my dad’s business gone with the wind because of the economic crisis, we lost our house) I began to work at a normal job.Since then I spent my money with pretty much wisdom.I guess sometimes it takes much more to think seriously at spending money wise.
This is so so so true. It's amazing how I spent most of my adult life convinced I was as strong as a woman could be – and at the same time I was digging further and further in debt, thereby making me weaker and weaker. I felt so ashamed and awful when I finally added it up and figured out a strategy to dig out. Each day, I feel more responsible and stronger. Never, ever will I let it happen again.
I\’m glad to hear that!
Great article.
I never understood why some people (men are now venturing into this area as well) would let anyone keep them from knowing ALL of the money issues.
That being said….
My sister in law left my brother. She thought "they" had so much money he could afford to support her the way she and the kids had been accustom to- nice clothes, country club, private schools. When she went in for the first settlement and found out my brother had mortgaged everything and had no savings she was shocked. My brother had been busing trying to make everyone happy…
It was a tough lesson for both of them. They both are working now- and are divorced. They both are living on middle class wages with little chance of better. The kids are in shock (Where are we going to get the money for $17,000 in high school tuition?)
Reality sucks. Know your money!
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Oh man. That is really a sad story. I feel bad for your brother and the whole family. I feel like my family is in the same mindset as well. 🙁
I like being in control of my money! Most of the time I know where it is going, there are some moments of "retail therapy" that will tank the budget, but those moments are fewer and farther. I will squirrel away money, and hide it from myself… I know how I am.
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LOL!
I do that too. I hide the money in an account and I refuse to let myself use it because it\’s already in that account and unable to be touched 🙂
Great post I completely agree 100%. Personally I like having 100% control of my money, its fine to go to accountants and CFPs if you want, but at the end of the day, I still like to know what's going on and I keep on top of all my finances. I don't want to end up broke in old age. Even celebrities making millions have ended up broke because they trusted the wrong accountants and lawyers and didn't keep an eye on their money.
Finance isn't exciting but I find it necessary to stay on top of mine and to learn about finances. I guess that's another reason why I chose to be an accounting major. I want to know more about finance, I also login to online banking every single day, check my balance, my credit card account, etc. Just to make sure things are going okay. I love my bf and I trust him completely but at the same time some things you need to do for yourself.
I absolutely agree about not being in the dark, no matter who does your money. Even if you hired someone, I\’d sit down with them each month, quarter or year and ask where the money went, where it\’s going and what I\’m paying that I can cut back on.
You also need to know about his finances and he needs to know about yours (in the sense that if anything happened, is everything taken care of? do you know which bank he goes to) and so on.
I made an Emergency Financial Checklist I\’ll blog about later, so that just in case I can\’t speak or help, they know who and where to go to
This is so true! I watched my mom hand over ALL control of money to my father and in the end she got completely screwed because of it. I learned to never make that mistake myself.
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My mom is the same. She finally learned, at the age of 62…
This is a post that was def. needed today. Sadly, I have fallen off the PF bandwagon and it's time to dust myself off and figure everything out all over again.
My recent post Whats Cookin In Western Mass- Apple Creme Tart
Oh honey let me help!! 🙂
This is SO IMPORTANT for me to remember. As someone who's not the best with money, I've always said I'm going to marry someone who is really good w/ money so he can deal with it. But I never want to be one of those women… never. I want to know everything, even if I'm not the best at handling it.
My recent post Hungry Girl
You can not be the best with money, but you should be aware of what you owe, own and where it goes. Even if you don\’t change.. it\’s better than being in the dark. 🙂
I agree with you! We need to take control of our own money! I use to be kept in the dark, my mother use to take care of all my money, I use to give her all the money I earned and she gives me an “allowance” for the month. When I moved out, I didn’t ask my mom about the money I gave her, I just assumed it was for my schooling, so I was able to come out of school without any debt. Now I take control of all my money and I learned how to budget and save! I feel very happy that I can make enough money to save and survive on my own! 🙂
Wow that was kind of your mother to save the cash and let you come out of school without debt 🙂 That is awesome!!!
And then you didn\’t go crazy with extra income when you finally took charge of your finances
This is so true. When I had my big wake up call almost a year ago I was so angry with myself. I realized that I completely handed over control of the money to my Hubby. As long as my debit card worked I was happy. Looking back I can't believe I let that happen.
I hope things have changed for you since. It\’s better to learn now than to never learn and be at the end, wondering what went wrong.
This is very interesting. I have always felt like I wanted to be in charge of money, even when/if I ever have a significant other. I'm helping my current girlfriend make a budget and understand her finances a little better, but I think if we ever got married I'd just take over completely. Is that bad?
Very bad. You should definitely keep her in the loop. Hate to be a downer but what happens if you get sick? Or can\’t handle the money for some reason? She needs to know the list of bank accounts, what to do just in case, how much there is… it\’s all stuff that women don\’t seem to know about.
You can still handle the money, just keep her in the loop.
Awesome!
My top money rule is that I make sure that I'm making enough money at my job to be able to survive on my own. Even though I've been with P for almost 10 years, you never know what could happen. We could split up. He could pass away in a plane crash (he's a pilot, so I'm paranoid about that). Anything can happen, and one needs to be smart about their money & make sure they have enough to make it on their own.
Great point!
I do the same. It\’s why we do a 50/50 split but I save my own cash too, so I can handle things on my own, even if I don\’t need to. (or want to)
When I was spending sleepless nights worrying about my finances, I wished for someone anyone to come and create me a budget, pay my bills, negotiate my debts and then hand me some pocket money.
Everyone feels like that, but sometimes the only person who can save you, is yourself.