I read the “The History of Marriage” on the weekend, and started thinking about what she said about how marriage started.
Essentially, the history behind marriage is that it was not created for love — it was created for political reasons, religion, family fortune, etc.
Kids who got married were just pawns in a game.
Marriage was meant to ally families with one another, against others.
Now, we have this notion that marriage is the result of love, when that wasn’t the case in the past.
It’s why women get confused and think that pre-nups are unromantic, or a sign that they’ll get divorced, but they should see it as protection for themselves.
I am not advocating to get a pre-nup or to not. I’m just simply stating that if money is already a problem, and you don’t see eye-to-eye with your beloved, and he wants a pre-nup but you don’t.. then you need to sit down and talk out this money issue.
Money is the #1 reason couples divorce. Period.
If you don’t talk out this budding issue of how differently you two view money before you even get married for real, it will eat you alive.
He may be a saver. You, a spender. Or vice versa.
He may think a house is important, you, you want to travel or live in a condo so you don’t need to maintain a backyard or to be able to stay in the city.
Money is not the real and only reason why people fight and get divorced. It is just the rawest discussion or catalyst to start fights that don’t even relate to money, if that makes sense.
Fights can quickly escalate to: “And THAT is why you don’t put your socks away!!!”
Huh?
Yeah.
Money is just the match thrown onto bunch of dry wood doused in fire starter (your marriage).
Either you burn long and slow, until the end of your lives and last until the end of the BBQ, and everyone ends up happy, fed, fulfilled and content because they shared, they talked and they knew what the stakes (ohh! PUN!) were before they committed.
….Or you burn out fast within the first big flame of passion where you two are running around as naked newlyweds for the first 2 months, but after the big flame dies down, the lust is gone, the luster of being newly married has faded, the lack of commitment or the same values about life will quickly dissipate into a bunch of burned out charcoal with nothing left to show for it in the end, but a half cooked piece of chicken.
(Wow, why is everything I talk about strangely related back to food in awkward ways? I have BBQ on my mind.)
So a prenup? It’s just the beginning, if he or she asks for one.
If you feel uncomfortable signing it, then talk about it. But understand that people are skittish about marriage because they may have worked hard as a Saver all of their lives building a little nest egg.
And even if you think you will NEVER leave them, you can never say never.
Anything can happen.
If that Saver loses what she or he has built up for so many years, just because of a difference in personalities that was not immediately revealed until life and money issues came into play after the lust wore off… it becomes a nasty business, divorce.
Yes, I do agree that money should be spent and saved for the good of the family (being the two of you and future kids, if any), but sometimes a little reassuring paper can go a long way.
After all, love and romance are not what REALLY keeps a marriage going.
It’s what brings you two together and makes the partnership so wonderful and rosy… but cracks will appear in the foundation when real life issues hit you hard, like one of you gets cancer, or loses a job, or gambles away the house, loses a child or have to deal with a child that has special needs…
All of those situations have things to deal with money in some way or another, and that is why everyone says money is the #1 reason for divorce.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I think a pre-nup can be romantic. I know that sounds crazy but I know plenty of couples who are only staying together BECAUSE of money. With a pre-nup and a lasting marriage, you know you're together for the right reasons and not because you "need" the other person to care for you financially.
If I hadn't insisted on a prenup, my ex-husband would have cleaned me out. That's a fact.
My bf and I have separate bank accounts too and we live together! It works for us, you gotta do what is right for your own relationship. I agree with this post.
The sad truth is that no one wants to think about what happens if they will split up, who does? No one wants to think about a friendship, a relationship, any type of relationship end. But it happens sometimes. Better safe than sorry.
If people don't want to get a pre-nup that's fine, but some people do and they should be able to. Problem is not all judges uphold pre-nups. I don't think you're weird for wanting to split bills 50/50, my bf and I do that. It works for us. If that's what works for you FB then who cares what anyone thinks, its your relationship. End of story.
=)
110% agree with this. I saw my parents constantly fighting over money before their divorce and this inevitably carried on until well after their divorce (heck, they're still fighting over it and my youngest brother is 19!) I've always said that if and when I get married, I want to be financially independent and I'd also like a prenup no matter who makes more money – and I want that prenup to detail what happens should we have children & divorce (ie split summer camp, college, etc).
In Liz Gilbert's follow-up to Eat Pray Love, Committed, she talks about how things like prenuptial agreements are actually a sign that you love someone enough to put their financial wellbeing at the forefront of your mind – this makes a lot of sense to me.
I'd like to marry someone who is at least as financially responsible as me if not more so. Having dated some very financially irresponsible people and some overly-frugal people, I think a nice balance is key and definitely something I consider when looking at the long term.
Thanks for the post!
xoMeg
Great post. I've been with my beau for almost 9 years and we just moved in together. Although we talk about marriage, one thing that's holding me back is his student debt. I worked real hard to remain debt free and I'm worried that once we get married all that will change. I have been considering a pre-nup but there seems to be a stigma around it. My parents, who almost separated after over a lost business, feel that separate bank accounts are important to keep money issues from ruining a marriage.
I totally agree. People call me naive when I say I want separate personal bank accounts, and that we\’ll share expenses 50/50
For me, it\’s the best way to NOT feel resentful for him not chipping in and vice versa.
Couples like to argue over whom the money belongs to, even if they're both working or if it's just one person working in the household.
I think if both parties are working, they should have a joint account where all the bills will be paid from and anything household. They should also have separate accounts for items they want to buy, but do not want to take out of the joint account – this can be clothing, shoes, etc. Then of course there needs to be an emergency money account.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Just happened to peak back in on you after a while and what timing it is! Just got married last month and have been spending the last month going through the struggle of arguing about finances. Everything from combining them, to creating a budget, to prioritizing future savings goals. It really does eat you up inside. I'll keep you posted lady! Hope all is well.
I'm divorced. Much happier living on my own than when I was married. Marriage is not all it is cracked up to be, this is for sure, thanks for the history lesson!
Great post. I'm going to send it to a friend of mine.
My parents always told me – never fight about money! I guess they were right!
I tend to be a saver and my hubby is a bit of a spender. I worked hard to not have any debt, but my husband came with a $700/month student loan. Ugh. So, it's been rough, but we've managed to find a happy balance and keep separate accounts.
I would have thought a pre-nup would just the norm by now. It would save so much….money! Also heartache and regret. Pre-nups are not legally recognised here in the UK though that may change in time…
A lot of my friends think that a pre-nup means the guy doesn\’t love them (or vice versa)
I have to agree with Shelley. Why does a pre-nup mean that the other doesn't really love you? Think about it long term, if my future wife was worth 10mil and we get married and 15yrs later she is worth 100mil but we don't get along should I get half?
For sake of argument I never brought anything financially into the relationship directly, but did love spending it.
I have no idea. But it\’s like they need an insurance against you? Or that they don\’t trust you with their money?
No clue. I\’d want a pre-nup and 50/50 splits on bills, but I\’m apparently a weirdo.