I’ve just recently experienced this.
I don’t keep it a secret about how much I make, but I don’t like to broadcast it.
Strange I know, as I am soooo open on this blog about my cash.
Anyway.
I only tell people if they specifically ask me: How much do you make?
Note about why I am so honest:
I don’t lie because I don’t see the point, and I think that while money is still a taboo subject, it only becomes a problem if you tie what you make or what others make into what you consider to be their “status”.
Ever since starting this money blog, I am less sensitive about the money thing in general, and I’ve learned so much from watching get out of debt shows, from bloggers & great readers online over the years, that I just don’t factor it in any longer.
(Yes, I used to, in my younger, dumber, more ignorant and naive days.)
It’s just a fact. You make X amount of money, and that’s it.
It doesn’t change who you are to me, whether you’re kind or a horrible person.
When I reply that I make around $100/hour, which is about $200,000 a year if I worked full-time.
Upon hearing that, they snort and say: So that means you can afford to give me at least a $1000 gift if I invite you to my wedding right?
I was taken aback.
Yes, it was a joke, but……
Seriously?
First, I don’t have guaranteed full-time work!
I could earn only $20,000 a year depending on where and when the contracts come.
Take for instance 2009. I didn’t work the ENTIRE YEAR (not by choice).
My income was basically $0 from my day job.
I only made some money freelancing here and there, a bit from the blog but that’s about it.
Maybe $3000, total.
The year before that, I made about $120,000, but ended up having to spend 2009 living off it, paying taxes on my company and for myself, and expenses.
I could also not be making more money, if I take a contract where I have to pay my own expenses to work, or if I ask for less money. Nothing is guaranteed.
This is why I like to live on as little as possible, while being comfortable.
It doesn’t all come as a fixed cheque, because I am working for myself.
Second, does more money mean I am obligated to give more?
Just because I supposedly make more money, does that mean I should be giving you 4x as much as what I’d normally gift?
But what is the rule when you make $20,000 to $1,000,000 for example?
Is there a sliding scale of gifts based on income?
I’m not saying that I don’t want to give a good gift, or a lot of cash, but when did it become EXPECTED that I would give more than someone who earns $30,000?
I’m just a guest like everyone else, celebrating in your day.
If I show up with a big cash gift, it isn’t because I based it on some silly sliding scale — it’s because I wanted to give that amount to you.
With the tables turned, if they earned $200,000 a year, would I just gift $0 because they’re SOOOO much richer than me, that they don’t need my money?
What about in that situation?
Third, was this even an appropriate comment to make!?
These were not my closest friends, and it was just in casual company…. but as I said before — I don’t lie if people ask me directly.
Not many people have the guts to do it, by the way, but they feel more open asking me how much I make if I don’t work for a company.
Oddly enough.
Still, I am not sure that joke was made in good taste. Every joke has a half truth, you know.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
NO! I am NOT obligated to make nice gifts to family & friends just because I make a decent living. I work my butt off to make that money. It’s not like it’s fallen from the sky.
I am a senior accountant, and I make a decent income (in the $70 – $80k range salary, bonus not included 3% to 5% max, some years there’s no bonus) I could lose my job any day due to the economy. I realize that the more I make, the more I spend on housing etc. So I could be just as happy with 60K – 70K range if I want a less stressful job which I prefer b/c I realize money does not make you happy, job satisfaction does. . .I could but I don’t want to be in the $90K – 100K (management positions) + range because people in that category can get laid off easily compared to 80K & below. . .
How rude! I know it's a joke but still I think it's an inappropriate comment to make. Presents or their cost are not to be demanded and it's up to the giver to decide how much they want to spend.
I think it was wrong. Just because you make x amount of dollars does not mean you necessarily have to spend it. And you need to be grateful what people give you even if it's a card. Its the thought that counts honestly.
Ew RUDE!!! Not appropriate at all. And if it was a joke? Doesn't matter! Still RUDE!
This is a really interesting point you bring up. First, I think it is absolutely not appropriate to make the comment or ask the question, even in jest. I think it smacks of tactlessness and uncouthness. But for me, as I make more, little by little, I feel a responsibility to give more. NOT necessarily in gifts to friends or family at birthdays or holidays, rather I feel that if I can afford to give more, I have a personal responsibility to give more to my charity/cause of choice. That is how *I* choose to increase my spending.
Sorry you had/have to be confronted by those types of people. It's awkward. : /
I hate when people "joke" about money, it's rooted in jealousy.
People often make the notion that if someone makes less then you shouldn't "expect" as much from them. As in, my friend doesn't have a job or not a steady one at the moment so I'm not expecting a big bday gift from her. But from our friends who have regular jobs you would expect more.
That's how people are.
I think people forget that it's the thought that counts.
You are not being overly sensitive at all! That is such a rude thing to say even if it was meant to be a joke.
I don't think that because a person makes more money they should have to spend more – as you said, you are a guest celebrating their special day with them. Weddings are not meant to be a money making event.
I def. feel like when people ask how much I make they expect more from me. I used to to think I owed more too. And then a friend told me I don't owe anybody anything. I worked and I earned it. Ever since that, I'm like screw that, I'm not giving to anybody that already has the ability to make good money.
I think it's totally inappropriate and people think it's ok to say it anyway just like they think it's ok to mock people about their weight.
That said, the expectation definitely exists and because I don't care to deal with preconceived notions, I am more careful about what I say to whom now. I made the mistake of telling an old high school friend my annual income when she asked and I KNEW she immediately thought that I was rolling in disposable income. Never mind the fact that I was supporting two to three adults with no help — she knew that and still assumed it meant a lot of money.
And another good friend made the same assumption because she made that amount as a single with no dependents. She actually scolded me that I made good money and shouldn't be stressed about being frugal or saving. I almost smacked her – she was more aware than anyone else how much money went down the family drain and if she could say something so insensitive, I wouldn't expect much better from strangers/casual acquaintances.
She's now part of a single income household making about the same that I was making before and suddenly she has to pinch pennies and feels poor. But nary a word about how she misjudged the situation before.
It's true that close association does lead to some callousness, but it still irritates me. My philosophy is that unless I know you're a monetary kindred spirit, it's none of your business. Any reduction in irritation is quite valuable to me.
Usually I don't have a really thin skin, but I'm also realistic that there are only so many irritations I can abide in a day or week.
I would have totally been put off by this comment too!
If I was on the receiving end of the comment I would not have been impressed. It was in poor taste, and I really cannot stand people who have a sense of entitlement, especially considering this was not even that close of a friend.
Although in recent years I have been spending more on gifts, that has been due to the fact that I have graduated university and am now able to afford getting the people the gifts I want to get them. However, although "what can I afford" is always a contributing factor, the decision is mainly based more or less on what I feels that person deserves.
That was a bad joke, bad taste altogether. I can't help but thinking about the saying – "all jokes are half meant."
I am shocked about this rude comment. No one should expect a gift of any kind for their wedding. A gift is given voluntarily, not as an obligation. I am also quite surprised that the requested $1000 gift is only 4 times as much as you'd normally give. Really? You'd give a $250 gift for most weddings you're invited to? Not me. I'd give around $50. If I have to travel to the wedding and pay a hotel, then I may give just a small token or even just a card. I'm not poor, our household income is just over $100K.
I agree with your point that no one should say you need to give a certain amount for a gift. But do you really only give $25 gifts at weddings? I make about $60,000 and spend $50 – $100 for a wedding gift depending on how close I am to the couple and if I have a large travel expense to get there. Thats when I attend without a "plus one". There are a few reasons for my gift level. 1. Weddings are expensive and this is my way to give back. 2. I love my friends and family and want to show them how excited I am about the marriage. 3. I don't give Christmas or birthday presents to anyone but my immediate family, so this is likely the only gift they are getting from me. 4. Weddings are a celebration and even if that ugly serving bowl isn't my cup of tea, they like it, so heck I'll help out in the name of congratulations.
I don’t give $25 gifts?? I said my minimum per head is $100/per person ($200 total with BF and I), if I have to fly & pay for a hotel to get there.
that joke was definitely in poor taste. so you only want to invite me because i can afford a "nice gift??" i personally don't like to disclose my earnings. but because it's so small! recently i learned that a friend who works retail earned about $10 more an hour. she was shocked, too, but then looked like she felt bad for me (i work at a clinic). i make a modest living for someone who has no dependents, but after people have given me that pitying look, i just give ranges of salary.
Just because you make more money doesn't mean you have to give more in gifts. I give based on what I'm comfortable with. Besides, if you end up giving more, some people might get uncomfortable like you are trying to buy their affection. Either way it's nobody's business how much you give and why.
I'm too very open with money, but I always find it rude when people ask how much I make or how much I paid for my place.
If I was in a position to give more money, I would rather donate it to a charity over somebody who has a job and can support themselves.
Nope, that was not an appropriate comment to make on the part of your friend. But the reason is that gifts shouldn't be the reason she invites you to her wedding. Maybe I'm a bit of an idealist but I give gifts because I want to, not because of what I can get in return, and I expect the same of others. By the same token, I would invite people to my wedding if I wanted them to be there to share the day with me, not because they'd be obligated to give me a gift.
By the same token though, I think gifts are about generosity and you sound a bit pissed off that it would ever be expected of you to fork over any of your hard-earned cash. You shouldn't have to give more just because you make more, but if it's something that's perfect for someone you know and you want to give them something nice to start off their marriage, wouldn't you want to spend a bit more if you were able to? Obviously if the answer is no, then just don't… but I don't really get the sentiment of "why should I have to plunk down more cash just because they invited me?"
Totally inappropriate. Besides, the true value of a gift isn't in how much it's worth monetarily, but in how much it means something to the person, right?
I think it's a strange joke. Not funny at all. It's up to you how much you want to give, and once people start thinking like that joker, I lose all respect for them.
I'll be honest, I don't make as much as i'd be hoping to make by this age (i'm 26). Remember my little bride friend, who is now my ex friend? The one with the tacky wedding registry? When I told her I don't feel comfortable spending that much on a gift that she said she wanted me to get, she replied: well, I know your parents are wealthy, so just ask them for money. UM…WHAT!
What makes people think that even if you did have the money, or a way of getting it, that you'd want to spend it on them??
You are right it is somewhat based on truth but, seriously joke or not it was in poor taste in my opinion.
The second time I got married I had a very basic wish list from a yarn store yup a yarn store. I also told my close friends that they could either choose to get us a gift from the registry at the yarn store or if they did not want to get us a gift that was fine too. I was not going to be picky and certainly not going to base it on income from close friends, friends, family or whoever. Plus the yarn will be used for projects where as say the fancy china would sit in a box and not be used all that much so why bother with something you are not going to use everyday or at the very least turn into some much needed socks, scarf, hat etc. Sorry for the rant.
that was a really tacky comment from whoever, depending on how they said it. no…actually, it was just tacky!
I think that is a horrid question to ask, even if joking. Like you say, there's truth in jest. To me, it says a lot about the person who said it-they are thinking of what they'll get out of their wedding, and not about what the wedding means (a serious committment to his/her partner). This kind of thinking makes me queasy. We didn't have a big splashy wedding because we couldn't afford it. We threw a modest celebration, and were thrilled to have our close friends and family along for the ride. I considered the gifts a generous bonus, not an expectation. I've had friends who get pissy if they don't get a gift that covers the cost of the guests' dinners. Since when do you invite people to your party and charge admission?
Plus, just because someone makes a lot of money, I don't think this obligates him/her to spend more on gifts. No one knows the full picture of your financial situation, nor is it any of their business. I tend to give a certain amount generally, and adjust it upwards if the people getting married are family or very close friends. Recently, I was worried about the amount I gave, wondering if it was appropriate, but my friend (who is brutally honest, God love her) said it was very generous in comparison to other gifts they received. It's kind of like expecting someone to pay for dinner just cause they make more money. I'm just shaking my head right now…
I don't think you are being overly sensitive. That was a rude and thoughtless comment. Perhaps you could ask them if you had a very low income year like 09 whether it would be OK to turn up for a lovely dinner including drinks (aka a wedding reception) with a $5 present due to the sliding scale? I think not.
Wow, that is a rude comment! Though, some people do have a weird sense of humor and there are certain friends of mine who, if they said it, I wouldn't think much of it because we're close enough to tease each other like that. Most people wouldn't get a free pass, though.
But yes, I have found that some people think they are entitled to a share of the pie when they have friends or relatives that have more money they do. And even though I try to be very clear that we're paying off debt and trying not to spend a lot, people hear my husband's title and assume he is making big bucks (in truth, it's not bad for our age and the area, but it's a small, young business and probably not nearly as much as they assume — and definitely not even near equal to his hourly rate when he does computer work on the side).
I am still shocked at how ungrateful some people are! For example, one "friend" got pissed at me over the gift my husband and I gave her and her husband. We weren't even invited to the wedding or reception, despite years of helping them out (helping him find work several times, helping fix their computer problems — despite them never so much as asking us over for dinner). But, we were invited to the after after party so we decided to spend the money we would have spent on a gift for them — about $50 — on alcohol and party snacks to share with everyone. And, as we expected, most people seemed to show up completely empty-handed because everyone knows most of them are habitually broke.
Of course, I don't care how much anyone makes. And gifts are gifts — no one is entitled to them or should expect them. It pisses me off when I hear brides-to-be talk about how much they'll be making off their weddings or recent brides complaining that they didn't get as much as they expected. People should be grateful to get anything and if they're not then they're not getting anything else from me. I have no room in my life for rude, unappreciative "friends".
That comment wasn't appropriate, but I can see their point.
Think about if you were pals with Bill Gates. Would you not be flabbergasted if he came to your wedding and gave you a check for $20? Now, let's say you are pals with someone else, who may be unemployed. You would probably be grateful that that person gave you $20?
I understand that your income is just a fact, and it doesn't change who you are, (i.e Bill Gates is rich, but possibly just a cheap person) but, we all have expectations of people with higher income. I personally believe this is why high fashion has been able to survive so long. Cuz for real, who spends $8,000 on a dress, if not for someone who has an excessive amount of disposable income?
Um, I think that’s a completely inappropriate comment, for one, and I don’t think that how much you make has shit to do with what you’re supposed to give people.
I think that unless it’s a REALLY good friend and you have some serious surplus in your bank account, $50 – $100 is appropriate for wedding gifts, no matter how much money you make.
I would be really uncomfortable if someone outside of my family spent $1,000 on my wedding gift. What’s that saying, anyway? Either “I have so much money, look what I got you,” or “When it’s my turn, I expect a similar gift.”
I think that person was rude to make any comment at all.
.-= adriana´s last blog ..Fell in love when I saw you standing there… =-.
Second part due to posting length
"Second, does more money mean I am obligated to give more?"
No. No. No to the nth power!
When friends of mine got married a couple of years ago, I was able to spend more money on their gift than I would have as a starving grad student because I had disposable income. I was not obligated to spend more- I chose to because now buying the pretty tablecloth wouldn't mean I'd be blowing my food budget for a week. Nobody gets to dictate the amount you spend- that's the sort of "keeping up with the Jonses" attitude that lands people in financial holes!
Third point first: I think it was highly inappropriate on their part and I'll tell you why.
First, I'm old school. If I'm inviting someone to my wedding, it's because I want them to be there to share the joy of the day. If I like you enough to come to your wedding, then I will be giving you a gift. However, it's my job to pick it and your job to thank me for it, not critique my spending. It is heinously rude to invite guests for what they might give you- it's a wedding, not a gift grab. Neither should you be telling them what to buy. A registry is a suggestion, not a command from on high. If Aunt Sally sends you a royal purple whatsit and not the Kitchenaid mixer or a check, you thank her and deal with it. Maybe you'll claim it's exotic folk art. Maybe you'll Ebay it. You don't whine about it.
That comment this person made was rude andin appropriate. What you make has no bearing on what kind of gift you decide to purchase.
Just because a person makes a large salary does not obligate them to purchasing a more expensive gift.
I don't think gifts should be based on how much money you make but how close you are with the person.
I don’t think your reaction is strange at all, FB—I could imagine if it were someone really close teasing you, but I think someone close would have more tact than that (and understand your job situation better). But yikes D: I’m not sure how I’d have handled a comment like that, to be honest.
.-= Ashe Mischief´s last blog ..Jealousy’s a Green-Eyed Bitch =-.
Someone seriously said that?!!? NO you are NOT obligated to give a larger gift because of how much you make.
I think it's inappropriate. But how old is your group of friends that are saying this? If they're in their 20s, it makes more sense, as that is the focus in your 20s.
Yep. In their 20s. That’s a good point…
But that's not fair either because I'm 22 and I don't think that. I think there are people with this personality type at all ages. If I made more money than I do it would be nice to have the option of spending more money on people if i want to. That being the kicker. I wouldn't feel obliged to do it.
I also don’t understand why as a DINK (double income no kids) I am expected to spend more money on nieces and nephews. We don’t choose to not have kids so we have lots of money, we are waiting until we have enough money to have kids. This does not mean that just because both my husband and I work and your wife does not to stay home with the kids that we should spend lots of money on your kids.
No, I don't think you're being too sensitive – that was a really trashy comment to make! When I read the title of your blog post my hackles went up. In my book "expect" and "gift" are two words that are really ugly when put together.
Mind, I think there are valid reasons to keep ones income to oneself and this is perhaps an illustration. I find that answering a nosy or tacky question — or any for that matter than I don't want to answer — with another question is a good approach. As in Q How much money do you make? A: Whatever makes you think I would tell you that? Why do you need to know? What makes you think that's any of your business? How much would you like to hear? Why, do you want to give me some more? Will you let me know if you find someone else who makes more money to invite in my place? I wouldn't want you to miss out on a really expensive gift. Sorry… I'm shocked if you can't tell.
The world being what it is, people either envy you or congratulate themselves on making more than you. You did imply with your answer that you make more than you do, given that you don't work full time. The polite thing about inviting you to a wedding is that they want you be there to share the occasion, not that they'd have their calculator out adding up the haul. I'd be tempted to have a previous engagement on the day and to send a donated goat as a gift… or maybe a book about etiquette? Yeah, I know it was a joke – but tasteless all the same, and you clearly didn't find it very funny either.
A gift is a gift so you're not obligated to give anything. A few people in my life could get away with making a comment like that (my BFF, my bother, etc.) but everyone else would definitely get the stink eye.