Reader Karoline wrote in to me recently (and some other readers as well), sympathizing and asking how living with the ‘rents has fared for me.
Well… there’s always good and bad right?
Here are my thoughts on how I deal with my parents before I moved out and tasted independence, and after I moved back in to re-nest.
Twice.
Living with your parents, before you move out
This is the time when you most want to move out.
There is no space, it’s cluttered, you can’t even make chocolate spread-covered butter biscuits for breakfast without your Dad shoving an orange in your face.
You get in fights over who should have taken out the garbage.
You are constantly told: My house, my rules.
And you get these worrying looks when you come home past 8 p.m.
Like at 8.15 p.m.
You think living on your own will be THE BOMB and you can eat cookies for breakfast, sleep in until noon with nary a care in the world.
I moved out when I was 19, got my own apartment and a job to pay for it.
It was a quick lesson in how to be an adult, that was for damn sure.
The thing I forgot about in my fantasies of leaving was how things were going to get done and paid.
Bathroom filthy? It may not have been your chore to do at home, but now you have to do it ALL.
Bills getting paid? Gotta get a job to do that, the electricity doesn’t work without it.
And I didn’t pay rent BEFORE I moved out. Only after I move back in, do I have to pay rent.
Remembering to buy toilet paper and toothpaste? Er…… can baking soda and tissue papers suffice for now?
Learning how to do little fix-it things around the home? Had to be Googled.
And cooking: where else are you ever going to get mom’s home cooked meals filled with love, unless you do it yourself? Gah.
Of course, the best thing about living on your own is you CAN eat cookies for breakfast, sleep in until noon and do what you want without someone nagging you.
But change starts to take place, and before you know it, you are shrieking at someone for putting down a cold glass on the table without a coaster, and wondering how to get burnt food off from the bottom of a pot without ruining it.
With freedom, comes responsibility. Ahhhh…
Still, it’s pretty awesome living without your parents.
You can decorate and do whatever the heck you want, and no one is going to try and use your room as a storage for old dusty boxes with useless parts of ancient computers, or store furniture in there because they have too much junk everywhere else.
Living with your parents after you have moved out
So you had to move back in for various reasons.
It wasn’t awful living with my mom. But I felt a real sense of guilt of not being there more during the week on some nights when I came home late, or went out after.
We only saw each other briefly in the mornings (she left before I did), and briefly at night when she and I both came home hungry and exhausted.
There were a lot of good things, like having more bonding time with my mom, which helped our relationship a lot, and I felt good being able to help her do things she otherwise would have taken hours to do.
I came back to a room totally filled with JUNK. My family’s JUNK.
And a new rule was installed: You put junk in that particular room, and I will get rid of it as I see fit.
The last time we went back with BF’s truck, we hauled away 10 boxes of JUNK, 1 huge broken computer chair, and cleaned the room of its mess.
Did anyone notice? Probably not.
But the room looks a heck of a lot better. 🙂
I don’t think there’s anything shameful or wrong in living with your parents past the age of 19, or moving back in
Maybe it’s just my sort-of traditional upbringing, but I had lots of friends who lived with their parents, and some who still do.
And they are normal, human beings who are not weirdo recluses who stay in their basement in their PJs all day, playing Dungeons and Dragons, shunning all human contact.
Some people think it’s a sign of weakness, or that you couldn’t hack it on your own, so you had to crawl back to mommy and daddy.
Not me.
I already moved out on my own at 19, and proved I could be independent.
And when I moved back in the first time, it was for practical reasons, rather than emotional ones.
I had a project in my so-called home city (Toronto is NOT Greater Toronto Area, people!! GTA is not “local” for me.), and I didn’t want to pay 12 months of rent to a stranger when I could just pay it to my parents.
This time, since I had already left the family home once, it meant I would move back as a contributing member and renter.
I paid $600 a month, bought my own food, stayed only for 4 days in Toronto and spent the other 3 in Montreal with BF.
For 8 months.
I also pulled my weight as a member of the family and became a typist & editor for my mom’s papers, garbage-taker-outter, official lunch-maker-and-packer, and a pianist at night.
This second time I will move back in with my parents, and with my BF, will not be because we cannot afford rent, or are running back home with our tails between our legs.
I am not ashamed at all for going back, and neither does BF feel weird for going back to my parents.
I wouldn’t feel strange going to his place to live if it was for practical reasons, and if I knew it wasn’t permanent.
Again, as always, it’s for practical reasons — that we don’t want to pay 12 months of rent to a stranger, as we could potentially be leaving after a month of being in Toronto, or after 7 months.
Plus, it’s a totally enclosed separate apartment on its own, and we can have our own privacy any time we want, with our own bathroom, kitchen and separate doors and entryways.
It’s like being tenants, while having the freedom to do what you want in your own space, AND roam to take over the rest of the house as well. 😀
It’s uncertain how long we will stay in Toronto, and I’d rather take advantage of the available situation rather than getting an apartment, paying the same rent in the same area, just to prove a point.
I have no qualms (and neither does BF) about moving back in with my family.
It isn’t permanent, and we aren’t parasitic moochers.
Besides, my mom is really craving the company at night, and we are planning on doing lots of chores that my much older mom cannot handle on her own, cooking and buying food for the family in addition to paying rent while we’re there.
Even with my older brother, they don’t find it weird that my dad has moved in with them to nanny their kids.
And I don’t either, because my dad gets paid a decent salary for doing it, and he WANTS to take care of his grandkids.
We’re family but we are not a family of moochers, even to each other.
We understand that nothing is really for free, even if we’re family.
Lessons learned so far
Living with your parents at the age of 19 or coming back when you’re 23, and 26, can be both annoying, but also comforting.
I found that over the years of not physically living with my sometimes very demanding, annoying parents, was that I grew closer emotionally.
I called my mom more. On a whim, just to hear how the family and she was doing.
I emailed my dad more, to show him pictures of food we made, and to promise to come back.
I actually even tried to get more sisterly with my brothers, and tentatively, it’s still walking on hot coals for some parts. But it’s getting there.
You sometimes need to move away to get closer.
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In most cultures, kids only move out when they get married and sometimes never at all. A family is forever, but we in the United States are delusional of course and most Americans don't know what love is nor ever experience it. If my parents ever asked me to move out I would consider their love conditional and fake. I would love to live with my parents again.
My recent post The Just Doing my Job Excuse
I guess I\’m of the \”most\” cultures then. I moved out when I was single, but I don\’t see a problem with coming back and living with them (paying my own way of course).
My parents and in-laws live in the middle of nowhere, so this was never really an option, but I think I would only do it as an absolute last resort.
Where I grew up, plenty of kids still live with their parents as adults, but they are generally speaking losers. Partly because they couldn't manage to get out of that town, but also because they couldn't even afford a cheap apartment in that town.
To me, moving in with my parents would be admitting defeat as an adult. This would mean I can't make it in the city, can't carry my own weight, and that I couldn't do it on my own.
My experience has definitely been the opposite. But I see your point!
During college I moved out for 1.5 years starting freshmen year. I moved back in and have been living there ever since. Its now been almost 6.5 years and I have zero complaints. I have the greatest parents in the world. I remember years ago (like you said) how little things around the house would annoy me.. such as being told to take the trash out or any other chores. But its funny how we grow up b/c now I am the one around the house doing those things and telling others to do so. I never viewed it as "my house" growing up, but now I take complete ownership when something breaks. Im moving out in July after I get married and I already miss the place.
You can tell a ton about a person depending on how they answer the question "Would you move back in with your parents"… probably would be a good interview question when looking for a roommate, as opposed to "what music do you listen to?"
I fought a lot with my parents when I was younger. But moving back in, I am (dare I say) wiser.
I feel like it’s my job to take care of my parents now, because they’re getting older and I should help them.
oh gosh! i'm out of home now and the housework i took for granted at my mum's place- i have to do it all myself now!! yes i either had to google how to fix things or call my mum up. but i do find that i communicate a lot more with mum now than say if i was still at home. also no one can make the foods that you like or get the most stubborn stains out of your clothes than your mum 😉
I was thrilled to move out at 18 and not look back. Sure I came home for a summer or two at first, but that didn’t last long. My parents and I are just very very different, I find living with them extremely stressful. Thankfully I haven’t been in a place where I needed to move home.
Recently I wrote about my 40-something co-worker who lives at home and yet isn’t the socially stunted stereotype. His parents asked him to move home to help raise a younger sibling, 10 years later and he’s ready to move on. In the meanwhile he has been able to save a ton of money while helping his parents both financially and emotionally. It can be a win-win situation, I wish people would get beyond the narrow western view of what parent/child relationships should be.
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I lived on my own during college and afterwards for a little bit, and then moved home for financial reasons and have been here ever since.
I do not feel like any less of an adult or any less independant for it. I pay my parents $200 a month, which is still something but less than rent would be, so I am still able to save money. I couldn't afford to live on my own right now. I still feel independant because I pay them rent, and i pay my own bills like cell phone and car, and I also buy some of the groceries. Plus I work full time so it's not like i sit around or anything. I don't feel the need to move out anytime soon because I don't like being alone. I don't really know any friends that I could live with here, and I don't really want to move in with a random stranger. I like having other people around. I don't even like being home alone for one night! lol
I always wished I could move back in with my parents. No rent! No utilities! Plus, I could probably guilt my mom into doing some of my laundry.
My little sister did move back in (& had all of the above) and for some reason, she wanted to move out. Crazy!
I forgot about free laundry!
No more carrying my basket down 15 floors via elevator, wondering if someone is going to steal my clothes or my machine 😛
There's nothing shameful about moving back in with the 'rents so long as you are doing it for a specific goal and you are (as you put it) a contributing family member. I moved back in twice during my college age years. Once when I had a nervous breakdown and had to be treated for my anxiety disorder and once after I graduated but had a few months before I moved in and married Mr.
Both times were for very specific reasons and were for a few months only. I don't think I could live with my parents for longer than that because although I love them, we drive each other crazy. There are just too many cooks in the kitchen when you put generations of the same sex together. My mom and I actually talk to each other more now that we're 8 hours apart and look forward to seeing each other.
Lisa, I am so with you on the Mom thing. Mom and I are always butting heads when we have been around each other for too long. Perish the thought but I think it is because we are actually quite a lot alike.
Like you though, I am daddy's girl and have always gotta along with him.
That said if something were to happen to the one of them I would take the other to live with me if they wanted to but it would be in a separate granny suite so that we each had our own space.
I don't think there is anything wrong with moving back in with your parents as long as you are not taking advantage of them. My 19 year old son has been living on his own for 1.5 yrs now, going to school and if he comes out our way once he is finished I won't mind if he moves back in as long as he acts like an adult i.e. contributes to the household finances, cleans up after himself etc.
i've lived with my parents after moving out on my own on 2 occasions now and it's not ideal mostly because i'm an introvert and a control freak, but i'd honestly rather live with my parents rather than having multiple sketchy roommates anywhere else.
I moved back home at the beginning of last year. The first month was awful while everyone adjusted to having me back after 6 years of living on my own. But it became fun after the first month or so. My favourite memories from that period was Saturday and Sunday mornings when my sisters and I would go 'visit' my mom in their bedroom. We'd chat while having breakfast.
I paid off some debt while I lived there and I gave them my furniture in lieu of rent. I had a great time and I'm just thankful that I could go back home for 5/6 months.
A lot of people in this area move back home after graduating college, especially while job hunting. I think it makes perfect sense from a financial perspective. Unfortunately, neither of my parents have a living situation that I would subject myself to, so that is not an option. I couldn't imagine the adjustment of independence though. It's hard enough sometimes when I visit home for just two days!
This definitely is more of a personal issue than a financial one, though. While it wasn't financially smart to move out of the house when I was 17, I certainly never felt guilty about leaving my parents and wish I could have done it sooner. Although I do hate to think about the amount of rent I've paid in the past ten years…
I’m 21 and my sister is 28 and we both still live with our parents. I don’t have a job yet (no one wants to hire someone with a crazy college schedule like mne) but even if I had one, i’d still live here with them. Not because things get done for me but because there’s no need to. My parents are like super cool, we mostly stick to our things and are barely on top of each other. My sister is barely home (now that she’s working) and even if my dad is retired and my mum is a SAHM they both have other places to be and with school, i’m barely home anyways.
Also, in most latin families is very common that the kids live with their parents until they get married or move to another city. It’s a culture thing.
Personally, I would love to move closer to the financial district just to be able to be at work on time without having to wake up at ungodly hours just to avoid traffic jams.
This is really great and thought=provoking. I have been wondering if the "traditional" US and I assume Canadian idea of absolute independence after 18 is really the best. Ditto for the retired living in a fun community of other retirees. I guess I have been wondering if other cultures–e.g. Asian–do it better.
I think it cannot be replicated if the parties at stake (parents, grandparents and children) don’t follow the same adherence to the rules and mentality.
That being said, I’ve known Canadian parents who have accepted re-nesters back into the home, rent free or $100/month, a very token amount, nothing like what my parents are charging me. 🙂
But I do think the idea of children staying at home until they’re married is a very Asian thing (someone correct me if I’m wrong), but perhaps Asians have it integrated more into their culture and find it more socially acceptable rather than something to make fun of someone about, or feel ashamed of.
Many Asian parents feel perfectly fine having their own parents (even both sets!!!) move in and live with them long past retirement, paying for their housing and food, so they can be with their grandchildren in the same home, and receive personal care with a touch that cannot be achieved in a nursing home.
I refuse to move back in with my parents while my mother is still alive. lol. Once I hit my teens, she would press every button & grate my nerves to no end. When I moved out, but within the same city, it was a bit better – but she would still do the same crap.
Now? It is a WHOLE LOT BETTER.. Only thing is that when they come up to visit or f I go home to visit (which I will be doing at the end of the month), there’s always a contest to see if I can get past 24 hrs without wantng to kill her. lol.
I get along SUPER with my father – I’m daddy’s little girl. He’d do anything for me – even max out his credit cards by taking me on a shopping spree! lol. If Mom died before Dad, I’d probably move back home to keep an eye on Dad … ’cause he tends to forget things & get into trouble when Mom’s not around.
And Pete wants to move back to Halifax … I told him he’ll have to drag me back there kicking and screaming. I say if my parents can drive down & spend the day with us, it’s too close. lol.