Well-Heeled wrote (a while back) on the fact that she wanted to be a Guiltless Mom.
As I grow older, I really think that that no-nonsense manner is the best way to act when a mother (or father, or both, as it was in my case) decides to work overseas, work domestically, or for whatever reason cannot spend as much time with their children as they’d like (or think they should).
This matter-of-fact approach shows children that things, while maybe not ideal right now, will eventually be OK.
I think children are resilient and can adapt to most circumstances as long as they know that they are loved and wanted. Don’t introduce guilt or confusion or self-flagellation into the picture. Most kids will do just fine.
Forget Supermom. If I become a mother, I just want to be a guiltless mom.
I think that’s exactly it. I want to be a guiltless mother.
I don’t want to apologize for having to work, to not be there every single night to tuck them in and read a book because I had to work late for a deadline one night a week.
I don’t want to ever feel like I need to substitute my love with money (the way Mr. Jones does), or to always feel guilty for being at work when my kids are at home without me.
And she’s totally right — kids are very resilient.
I was, when I was young. My mom never showed any guilt for not being at home when we were younger (she did when we were older), because she did what she had to do.
I have been thinking of how that could work in my life however. When I become a mom, I was thinking of a freelancing life.
See, right now.. we work around 3-6 months (hopefully longer depending on the project) and that money is enough to spend the whole year without working, and saving a good chunk of cash.
So maybe, when I have kids, I could work a couple of months or so, and spend the rest of the year with them off.. or the next half a year off.
On projects, I cannot work part-time. I have to be there full-time to interact with the team and the clients, so that’s out of the question.
My other option would be to get a permanent job at some corporation and just work the whole year instead of working a couple of months (possibly in another city if I have to travel) and have the rest of the year off.
Still kicking around ideas, but I’m leaning towards working full-time for part of the year (including travelling if I have to) and then staying at home the rest of the time to catch up on life, and to be an unconventional part-time kind of SAHM/Working Mother.
Or if you ARE a SAHP (ether part time or full time), how has that worked out for you?
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I am in my late 30's. My mom always worked, sure I wanted to her to be at home but I always understood that she had to work; she had her own business and always made more than my dad. But then everyone's mom worked in the 80's that was life. I never restented her for it.
My kids for some reason, want me to stay at home but they also understand that if I don't work they wil not get the things that they want. There will always be guilt but we do the best that we can.
I think it’s just a question of making sure your kids understand what reality is. Some parents shelter them so much, that they come out unprepared…
When the boys were first born, I was ecstatic to go back to work and drop them off at daycare! Of course, the daycare was on the company campus. I was totally guilt-free about dropping them off and going to work.
When my oldest went to Kindergarten, I quit my job to stay home and go back to school. Now both my boys are in school and I'm still a SAHM and going to college, but I also get my socialization by volunteering twice a week at their elementary school, which I also put on my resume. I'm totally guilt-free about kicking them out of my car in the morning, telling them to go to school…lol.
My plan (and my boys are well aware of and fine with it) is to go back to work when my youngest is in middle school and oldest is in high school. And I won't be a guilty parent then either!
Thanks for the link! I think I'm actually fairly good about not feeling guilty (just in general), so hopefully I will be a guiltless mom quite easily.
My mother worked full-time when I was growing up and that was just the way it was. A lot my friends had SAHMs, but I always knew my mother worked. I guess everyone's reality is different and I never questioned mine.
I know I won't feel guilty about working full-time because I don't think it is the wrong choice. I just think it will be my choice.
I would love to be a stay at home mom. Actually, it's kinda my dream job. But then again, I have many dream jobs. In the meantime, it makes sense for me to further my education and become certified social worker, because being a SAHM may not be an option later on down the road. And as I said, I want to pursue many dream jobs.
And perhaps I could be a SAHM for a season in my life. That'd be nice. My mom worked because that's what she had to do…and I love her for it. It's all about what needs to happen in order to make your family move forward — financially and emotionally.
Interesting topic. For myself, I was almost … relieved … to go back to work after babies one and two, so I felt guilt for not feeling guilty. I really loved my job, and I had a great lady to look after my kids and deal with all those daytime poopy diapers (much larger volume than any night time ones I experienced!). She was also an experienced Mom who could guide me in how to take my kids temperature, when to know if a rash required a trip to the doctor – things I probably would have overlooked. My plan was to work my way up in the company when the kids were young and then cut back hours when they got to school because I felt it was really important to try and be home for them after school. How much do you remember from being a baby? Yeah, not much. How much do you remember if your parent was home when you got home from school? The first adult your kid sees is the one that (likely) hears the most about the school day. By supper time, the kids have forgotten.
So, anyway. That was the plan. And then a surprise third pregnancy. I was so distraught. That third baby was *not* in the plan – moving into corporate responsibilities was. I worked on a contract basis through my parental leave … but had to admit that the stress of getting three kids out the door to the daycare was not worth it. Plus with three kids in full time daycare the monetary reward was quite diminished. With a heavy heart and after much grieving and soul searching, I quit my job and became a SAHM. Life has never been the same, but it is good. The kids are now 9, 6, and 3. Being Mommy to only one – not for me. Being busy with three, plus volunteering for Girl guides and keeping up with my sports and now doing some part time work that I can take the youngest with me – fantastic.
It is weird, but I do not even crave working full time anymore. I love my summers and Christmas off with the kids (my job matches the school schedule) and I know I have the skills if I ever needed to go back – but now I am free to go in a different direction that I never would have gone if I had stayed corporate.
Good plan! This is one of the plusses of being a writer: freelancing!
There are two really great books about this topic you might consider reading. The first is called Creating a Life the second is called Mommy Wars. The first is a psychologist's perspective on determining the the right time and helping people plan accordingly. Mommy Wars is a collection of essays by female writers discussing how they went about starting a family, the whole spectrum from full-time businesswomen to full-time Moms and how it has worked for them. Both are very empowering reads.
I'm a single mom and have no choice (although if I did I would work). It is what it is and thats the attitude in our house. Sometimes I can take off work to attend special things and sometimes I can't. But on the flip side I stay in my moderate paying job because they are crazy flexible and understanding with awesome benefits and 20 minutes from home. I do not loooooove my job but I like it and thats enough. For now I have to maitain a balance, later when she is all grown I can be selfish.
Not only are kids resilient – but they aren't stupid either!
Gods no. I'd be a terrible stay at home mom. My plan is to continue working, same as my husband. He might stay home some, but that's probably contingent upon him being in school… in which case he's not really staying at home, just that he has a little bit more flexibility in class arrangements– at least I did… it depends on what program he enters, I suppose.
My mother finally quit apologizing for not staying at home, and admitted that she really did love her career for the professional fulfillment and challenges within it. And you know what? I feel the same way about my career.
My mother was a SAHM until we moved to the states (I was 7 and my sister was 5), and since then she's been working 60-80 hour weeks alongside my father. When coming home from work, she would still do the cooking, cleaning, etc. I don't know how she did it because I'm really not sure that I can.
I currently work two days a week outside the house and the rest is at home freelancing or just being a housewife. When we have kids I don't imagine that things will be too much different, or maybe I'll just quit working altogether for the first few years of my children's lives. My husband encourages this, and this is what I want too.
When children happen for me, I'll strongly consider working from home. I think I'd go insane if being a mother was my only occupation. My mother worked from midnight to 8:00 AM when I was growing up. My dad worked from like 4:00 in the morning until maybe 3:00 in the afternoon. Neither worked weekends. So, it was like having two stay at home parents. They were always around. For that, I'm extremely grateful.
One thing I'm standing by is hiring, if I can afford it, a night nanny. Heck, I might even hire a day nanny. People tell me changing poopy diapers in the middle of the night is what parenting is all about. Says who?! I guess fixing your husband's dinner and cleaning house is what being a wife is all about. If I can avoid it, I'm not doing it.
I like the idea of a guiltless mom. I'm currently a full-time working mom and like every new mom that goes to work, I'm not without guilt but with the (almost) 2 years that I've done it, I've learned to accept that I won't be there every second with my son–and I'm OK with that. Women already have too many things to deal with, juggling a career, motherhood and marriage. We don't need another source of stress in our lives! I think what's important is that you show your kids how much you love them when you're with them. My mom worked full time as well and I never felt that her love was inadequate. I learned early on that she had to work for our sakes. I just hope that the choices that moms make, whether or not they choose to stay home or work full time or part time, should just be respected on both sides. We all have different situations that we deal with.
Being a kid who grew up with her parents at work 24/7, I understand what they did but a part of me feels like I missed something. Personally, I don't think I'd be a stay-at-home parent as I can't imagine sacrificing my career for a long period of time, but I would make sure that family is a priority and that work ends at an appropriate time. Once the clock gets to 5 (or whatever it may be), I go home. No buts and no taking work home. I'd be 100% dedicated once I'm home.
Gosh- I wish I could be a guilt free person first! I feel so guilt a lot of the time for the stupidest things. I know when I'm a mom (I'd love to stay at home) that I'll probably feel guilty all the time!
I have thought about being a stay at home parent (or SAHP). For now, I want to work as hard as I can in my career, and get as far as I can get, before even thinking about having children. I feel like I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. But, when I do think think about it, I always see myself becoming a full-time SAHP, with a part-time gig that I can run from home. It helps keep the guilt off for now…
Well, I was not meant to be a SAHM–temperamentally, I am just not domestic. But you always feel guilty about SOMETHING.
Whatever route you take I am sure you are going to the a fabulous mother.
I definitely agree that kids are resilient. As long as they aren't neglected, they seem to understand that they are loved. I think that even spending 10 – 20 minutes reading to them at night can suffice for that needed attention if that's all you can give. I'm not a parent, but I do teach. Some of the most independent and great students come from hard-working families. And, the most spoiled, bratty ones come from homes where there is a parent home a lot. Go figure!
Well, I was not meant to be a SAHM–temperamentally, I am just not domestic. But you always feel guilty about SOMETHING.
I also think the idea of parents devoting themselves full-time to their children's amusement is fairly recent. My non-working SIL once said "My purpose in life is to keep my daughter entertained." Parents–sahm or not–used to be too busy for that. Kids "played" by imitating their parents!
I think that whatever you need/want to do is fine. Kids need roof over head, food in belly, a secure place of their own, a good nights sleep once the basics are in place they feel secure then being loved, entertained, enjoyed and lots of interaction with others is the icing on top.
Women have always had to work only the rich could truly afford not to. And children of poor families haven't had to go out and work in the last 100 years in certain countries. Some children still have to work in developing countries.
Basically don't worry about this in advance as you will do what suits you best. I've worked full time, part time, done projects and then had time off – the mix is endless!