Deb from Deb’s Daily Thoughts (shared by the awesome mmmeg in my Google Reader Shared Items), wrote a post called Christmas and Shame.
I highly recommend you go read it.
Here’s a choice paragraph from Deb:
So we were poor, and I got one Christmas present from “Santa Claus” every year, while my friends and neighbor children racked up. I was ashamed…ashamed of the raggy clothes I wore, ashamed of never having anything nice, ashamed of my family, ashamed of my measly Christmas gifts.
I understand where she’s coming from.
I had a similar story that still follows me to this day.
I even have a photo to remember it by.
It’s a sad little 7 year old at a Christmas bash, in neon green, ill-fitting clothing (literally, the “long” pants came up to my knees, I was at least 2 years too big for my first Christmas outfit), sitting and staring glumly at another little girl prancing around with her 50 presents.
We didn’t have money for Christmas that year, my parents said.
So my parents went to the Christmas gathering but didn’t give anything to the kids (theirs or others).
What did I get from that family? A little teddy bear. That’s it. $2, probably on sale at Sears.
I still remember feeling a huge wave of tears being forced down my throat, because I felt like so alone and unloved.
(I was a kid!! What did I know about materialism?)
My parents (well, my mom), looked helplessly on as I sat there, depressed, and my dad didn’t really understand that he couldn’t treat us like mini adults quite yet.
And that presents at that age, mattered.
Especially when you had this small, little teddy bear to compare to the mountain of gifts given to another little girl of your same age.
The thought of even giving me a little teddy bear was a kind gesture on their part.
But I still feel like after seeing what transpired, the family should have been more sensitive to our financial situation, and not had a HUGE bash and big deal out of the other girl opening all of her presents.
They KNEW we didn’t have money.
And they purposely made a big deal out of the gift giving, to brag about what they did have to give their family.
I just kept getting smaller and smaller, watching her open and toss aside each gift.
Deb writes:
So I stopped celebrating Christmas when the kids were gone. I haven’t celebrated it in years, haven’t put up a tree, haven’t bought gifts, nothing.
This year, my sons are hopefully coming from their far away homes to have Christmas with me. I’m trying to get excited, but all I do is cry, because this year will be like all the rest. I can’t afford to even give them gifts.
All I can do is decorate and bake. I know that because they love me so much (more than I deserve) it will be enough for them, but it will never be enough for me.
And my heart goes out to her because I know how it feels.
But I feel incredibly different from what she is describing.
I don’t feel guilty, undeserving, unhappy or low on the holidays at all.
(Yes we have different circumstances, but I also never got a gift for any special occasion after I turned 10).
So I thought I’d share a couple of conclusions that I’ve realized about myself.
Maybe it’ll help others who are feeling the same sort of shame.
1. I STILL l-o-v-e that teddy bear.
He’s still with me, his mouth worn out from kisses, and his fur all matted down from playing games with me and my siblings to keep us occupied.
I’m pretty sure that other little girl in the photos had so much to play with, that she never really loved anything she got that year, for the same 20+ years I have loved that lone, single Christmas teddy bear.
And in hindsight, it was a good thing for me to NOT expect so much at Christmas.
It may have turned me into an incurably materialistic little FB.
I also ended up loving everything I owned or received unexpectedly, which made it better than wishing you had a pony for Christmas.
2. Now, I don’t put much stock into gifts at holiday time
Don’t get me wrong.
I still LOVE the holidays, with people rushing around, excitement in the air, everyone chatting about how Aunt Lucy is going to LOVE her gift..
I love the atmosphere, and I revel greedily in the feeling of happiness.
But I don’t give gifts at holiday time, I rarely send holiday cards, and I don’t receive holiday gifts.
I’d rather call, go out to eat or have a coffee with the people I love.
It sounds sad to some people when I say it, but it’s exhilarating how liberated you feel.
No holiday lists.
No spending of money trying to figure out what the other person wants.
No stress of trying to outdo anyone or to deal with family who really pushes your buttons.
No gifts!! 🙂 —- (Extra clutter that gives you GUILT sucks)
3. I’ve switched out Christmas shame and guilt for Inner Happiness & Minimalism
Less clutter, and more love is my philosophy.
When I DO give the occasional gift to people, it’s unexpected (not on their birthdays or holidays), and it’s something they need or REALLY want that’s practical.
Maybe it comes from the fact that my family halted gift giving once you turned 10.
(Arggg, cheapos! :P)
But when my dad or my mom DID give me a gift, it was out of the blue and totally unexpected.
My mom still does it to this day!
She’ll ask me to come back and see her, and she’ll have new dresses purchased for me that immediately made her think of me, so she had to buy it for me.
Sometimes I want to tell her I don’t need anything, but my mom gets more pleasure out of it than I do.
No ulterior motive, and no real purpose to give the gift, except to give it out of sincerity and unexpectedly.
People (myself included) seem to be the most surprised and happy when it’s a surprise out of nowhere with no forced purpose.
I’m not saying this attitude is any better or worse than what most people do, but it’s the way I feel.
I don’t know what changed over the years, but I’ve eventually just seen forced gift-giving as a burden and this sounds cliche, but I wanted to be the opposite of that.
I don’t even miss it.
I don’t feel the shame.
I don’t feel guilty.
And I’d rather have food.
So Deb, you can bake for me any time 🙂
It’d be the only gift I’d want!!!
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
We don't do xmas presents either now that I'm grown up and its not because we're religious, lol. We just keep our xmas simple and it sucks that you went through that as a child, our family went through our own poverty period, it seems almost every family does. We too went through xmas that were presentless when I was a small kid but once my parents were able to get out of their poor period, we got presents and it was fun, but once you're an adult its less fun you know you can buy stuff on your own, so it become all about your family and friends when you're an adult.
My presents stopped when I was 10. All presents, so I\’ve never grown up with a culture or the tradition of gift giving.
I think kids don\’t understand that gifts are not everything if you don\’t explain, but we just accepted it because we figured there was no more money left for frivolous things after house & home.
As an adult I\’ve really changed in all different ways.
Well I emailed you about this but I don't know if you got my email or not, I asked why your parents chose to go to that party? I'm not trying to rail on your parents or anything, did they know these people very well?
It seems the parents of that girl were insensitive, being a good host isn't about you and your family, its about everyone in the party whom they invited to their home, I think a good host would want to make everyone feel comfortable and not have it all be about them and their daughter.
Stuff like that sickens me, I used to know some people like this too, their parents would shower the girl with attention, talk about the girl constantly. I quit hanging out with that girl eventually. It was always about her and what her parents did for her. She was so narcissistic.
We don\’t know them very well, but they were the only/first \”friends\” we\’ve ever made in that town. We moved shortly after….
(And no I didn\’t get your email) 🙂
oh I see, hmm not sure why my emails are bouncing lately, I don't think you're the only one who's not getting them.
Perhaps you\’re in my Spam…
My family – the adult children now, my folks died when they were still pretty young, and so were we – often has very little money, particularly at holiday times. We just accept that that's the way it is; sometimes people give presents, sometimes they only receive presents. I try to be really careful; if I had buckets of money, I'd buy all the things I see that I would love my siblings to have, and they really don't have the room for them! If I see things during the year that they would like, they'll find their way into the mail. I had a husband who made Christmas as miserable a time as possible every year – but STILL wanted presents. Ugh. I'll spend the season recovering from this season's virus – that's what I REALLY want for Christmas.
Aw, your story made my heart break.
We were always very lucky to have ery generous, doting grandparents. It's one of the reason I try to spoil them now.
Your story made me remember my first Christmas in Canada. I was 8 years old. We did not have a tree or presents that year. That Christmas was spent with my father's brothers family. They had a big tree and lots of decorations and lights. The children (they had 3 my age) were excited, the adults told us that Santa had come. We sat down and my uncle started to hand out the gifts. Everyone keep getting more and more gifts, dolls, bikes, etc. I just waited for my turn. Finally, I was given a small package, it was soft to the touch, I imagined a doll, or soft bear, but out come a white nylon sweater, and the adults made me put it on. It was itch and I did not like it. I went over and asked if I could play with one of my cousin's dolls (she had lots) and was told not to touch them. I started to cry, and just for that I got spanked and put to bed for being bad. I remember lying in bed all alone while everyone was having a good time. From that day on, I never asked for anything, and feel no joy in the season. Katie
Wow. That was pretty harsh…
I feel joy in the season, but not from gift giving or receiving. Just from other people being happy.
But I can see how that affected your childhood. I wasn’t beaten, but my parents understood that I was an outcast in that particular party… and every time I look at that photo I remember that.
Great post!
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We never celebrated Christmas, because of our religion. I remember people saying my parents were mean. But, it was something we grew up with. I never was annoyed by Christmas of course, and it never bothered me to see our wealthy neighbors giving their kids lots of gifts. At the end of each school year we got a gift. One gift each (I have a brother). I remember always being so excited, we'd all spend the day together and go for a hike or a bbq.
I'm not writing this to push beliefs. Its more that… because I never celebrated Christmas – it didn't bother me. But I wondered about kids who were poor, or kids whose parents couldn't afford anything for them? It never seemed fair to me. So, I was glad my parents (who hardly had any money also) that they picked a day each year for us to have a present/family day.
I think if we didn't even celebrate Christmas it wouldn't have been as big of an issue as it was.
Which is definitely the case now, so I agree with you, Michelle.
Thanks so much for reading my post and finding in it something worth sharing. Just wanted to let you know that some power greater than myself gave me a great gift the other day. I went thrifting with a friend, and was looking for something suitable for the boys. I found two absolutely fabulous gifts, worth more than I could ever afford to pay, and when I took them up front, she only charged me a pittance apiece for them. The best part is, my boys are thrift shoppers just like me, so it won’t bother them at all to get these things. A couple of dollar store stocking stuffers, and their Christmas is complete. But after this year, I think I’m doing Easter instead. LOL
You are welcome Deb. I'm so happy to hear that your Christmas will feel better this year.
Thrifting is definitely something I ought to get back into. I really enjoyed it.
My boyfriend and I have already talked about this – we’re not giving gifts to each other. I don’t need anything, and definitely don’t want any more stuff in our apartment.
My mom and I are doing theatre this year – I got an offer for a subscription for a good price on 5 shows, and said “sure”. (it even includes discounts to restaurants!) I do still have an obligation for my other family members, but it will be donations, “growing gifts” or giftcards to restaurants. None of us need more stuff!
Extended family is getting baking. Same as last year. I’m obligated to give them something, and something they shall have.
I love the idea of going to a show or services!!!
No one needs anything in my family either. My dad WANTS a Mac, but he is not getting one from us.
Well written FB. I had a similar story:
When I was in the 3rd grade, I remember telling my parents every day for about 2 months that I really wanted a doll house for my Barbies. Not wanting to say no, they just told me to write it in a letter for Santa and let it be that. On Christmas Day, I saw a poorly wrapped thing that looked like it was in the shape of a house. Forget the wrapping, I thought as I ripped off the paper only to find a small doll house. Yes, it was what I asked for, but it wasn’t even in the box and worse off, it was second hand. It was already decorated with stickers and it was dirty. I started to cry right then and there and my parents got angry at me for not being appreciative.
I never forgot that day. The doll house is long gone…I think it was donated later on that year. Interestingly enough, that experience made me put more values on gifts. I wouldn’t say its materialism. I just feel that ok, I might not be able to give you something you want, but I’ll still give you something that you can use, and that you will like. It’s important for me to give, no matter how small.
.-= Investing Newbie´s last blog ..Thinking About It =-.
I think I asked for a Barbie Dollhouse too, but my parents told me flat out I wouldn't get it.
There were no illusions in my home. So I took that, became creative and made my own dollhouse out of a cabinet LOL
I loved this post (and went on to read Deb’s post too). It’s so true and so touching.
I remember, when I was 14, telling a girlfriend that i asked my parents for Christmas a new Italian-French dictionary: the best one they sold at the time. I was still working with the one which had been my mom’s when she was a student.
And she replied to me -this is such a “poor kid” present, that you have to ask for it as a gift!
More than ashaming me, the comment annoyed me (probably because I was a bit older tha you were!): the dictionary wasn’t a must: I could still do with the old one, so I really thought of it as some kind of a luxury. And I really coouldn’t find a meaning to useless gifts, which I’d forget about after a day, and I wouldn’t be able to put into use.
I have always felt as if I had everything I needed, even in the most difficult situations, thanks to my parents, and I’ll always be grateful to them for teaching me what is really necessary.
A poor kid present!?
That is RUDE. And it is a luxury to have books, but some kids aren't on the right track I guess
I think I teared up a bit over the teddy bear story. How touching.
My most memorable toy as a kid was called the Number Cruncher. It was a robot with what looked like a calculator on his stomach. I wonder if that led me to become an accountant. Hmm.
I’ll never forget the year my mother told me and my sister we weren’t getting anything for Christmas and then….we didn’t! Not even a card. Nothing. I was 13 years old at the time, so I wasn’t emotionally crushed. Just shocked.
I’ve only received a few Christmas gifts from my mother over the last 15 years. I love the pink Express robe the most. She bought it for me the day after Christmas one year. I think I might have been a working adult by then.
Christmas isn’t a stressful time for me because gift giving isn’t important to me. I can just relax and take advantage of all the discounts. This year I’ve been kicking around the idea of buying gifts for my niece and nephews. I’ll have to deviate from what I’d normally give as a gift: cash. Small children don’t seem to value it as much as adults. Grownups will get the same thing I gave them last year: nothing.
.-= Shawanda´s last blog ..Lean Financial Living =-.
I don't put a lot of emphasis on gift giving any more (or at all). So it makes me sad when it really becomes a big deal to people
And I understand that.
So…what happened to the little girl with the mountain of presents?
(And I agree–her family should have shown more consideration to the other family/child)
.-= frugalscholar´s last blog ..Who will speak for me? Banking and Finance Regulation. =-.
I have no idea.
And I was the family/child 🙂
We don't talk any more, but the last I heard, the family fell on hard times with their credit card wasting and spending.
My family always celebrated an extravagant Christmas. Then I began working with “at-risk” students and my viewpoint changed. While my parents had always given to others more needy, including paying for college for the daughter of our housekeeper (although it was years before I learned of this), our celebrations were excessive. Perhaps it was because we were affluent. But several years ago, on my path to simplicity, I suggested that we quit giving gifts (except to the children in the family) and use the money for charities. The idea was embraced and has made the season even better and less stressful. It’s so wonderful to come home from a week away without stopping by Goodwill and emptying the trunk of my car of expensive, frivolous gifts that I didn’t want and wouldn’t use. Now my money goes to projects that I believe in and I can do so much more than before because I am not buying a bunch of fancy crap for people who neither need nor want it. Being able to give bicycles to Toys for Tots and knowing that kids are getting something they didn’t expect is fabulous. I am sitting here smiling just thinking about that coming up next month.
For some reason, people often look down on those with money. But having money is neither good nor bad. It just depends how one uses it.
I agree. Having money is just a tool 🙂
I could be dirt poor and totally blissfully happy. It depends on what I want.
Awwww, thanks! *blushes* Thanks for sharing, FB! And thanks to Deb (aka @greenlasagna) for sharing her story, too.
We had pretty big Christmases when I was growing up (even if it meant paying them off over the course of the year) but I knew plenty of kids who had Christmases like you described. It made me so sad, and I figured out kind of early that something was up with that Santa stuff. (Santa couldn’t be as great as everyone said but discriminate against poor kids.) As much as I do love the holidays, I’ve long been pretty bitter about Santa and vowed I’d never lie to my (hypothetical) kids about him.
My husband and I aren’t really planning on kids, so that’s a non-issue now, but I still prefer the holidays to be about all the other great stuff instead of shopping and gifts. That’s probably a big part of why we stopped giving gifts. And really, I wish more people would try it. I know it’s tough not to exchange gifts because you can’t afford to, but when you have the choice it can be a great relief to just cut that part out of the holidays. If you want to give gifts, consider giving them to people who really need them and would appreciate them.
I am definitely not a person who will lie or pretend Santa is real. I think kids are smarter than that.. and I feel weird lying..
Thanks for sharing the piece 🙂
Soo touching and inspirational. Definitely reminded me to slow down and take stock of what matters this holiday season…
.-= Jillian´s last blog ..Heavy Rotation: Relator =-.
She is such a gifted writer.
ditto on the bake for me anytime!
.-= BWelch´s last blog ..100 Mile Thanksgiving =-.
LOL 🙂 You and me both