For the record, being frugal (a word I hate), means:
- being a conscious consumer
- spending your money only on what makes you (and only you) happy
- making choices with limited impulse buying
- searching for the best deal for the money and quality you are getting
- buying quality for what you deem is important
- having priorities about what’s important in life (a cute new bag or food on the table?)
- things you buy in the long run cost you LESS
In contrast, being cheap, means:
- refusing to pay tips or treat others when you go out to eat for various reasons
- hunting for sales and buying useless items just because they’re cheap
- spending time, money and gas to chase a buck (no optimization)
- choosing the cheapest option, ALL THE TIME
- compromising your sanity by counting toilet paper squares, stepping on different tiles each day, etc
- being afraid to spend anything and sacrificing yourself
- things in the long run cost you MORE
When I said that my one sibling was cheap, it got me thinking the other day that he wasn’t really cheap in the sense of that definition above.
He was on WHOLE OTHER level.
You see, there’s being cheap in everything and for everything, including yourself.
This is where you refuse to even go out to eat in a restaurant because you feel physically ill to spend $15 to buy some food, drink watered down beer and then to have to leave a $3 tip afterwards.
And when you do go out to eat, you order water ALL the time, refuse to split the bill with friends evenly (which I also think is stupid), but you literally count every single penny of what everyone ate, with taxes, and their portion of the tip.
At home, you count toilet paper squares to try and see if you could maximize the usage of a single toilet paper roll, you refuse to buy chocolate or candy, and just mix sugar with cocoa powder in a pot to trick your kids, and you buy everything you eat or own at deeply discounted prices, like $0.25 for a shirt at a yard sale is the highest you’d ever spend for a top.
That, is cheap.
But I’d like to say that my brother who I always considered cheap (no, not Mr. Jones), is actually a cheap opportunist.
It is WORSE than being cheap.
And he spends money, believe me. But he refuses to spend it on anyone else but himself (including family). He will spend thousands of dollars on a new gaming or computer system, buy the best clothes, shoes and everything that he thinks is a good deal and good quality… but only if it’s for him.
Case in point:
I went back to visit my brother briefly before seeing my sister, and I dropped by his new apartment and it got late in the night so I said I wanted to grab a bite to eat before we left.
Here’s the conversation that ensued.
FB’s Brother: So, what do you want to eat?
FB: Well, sushi. I really want some good raw fish and rice.
FB’s Brother: Well we don’t HAVE to eat sushi. How about a steakhouse instead.
FB: Fine, whatever. *belly rumble*
FB’s Brother: There’s a Tony Roma’s around the corner. They have pretty good steaks there.
FB: Let’s go.
I’d like to mention at this point, that I had been there for 6 hours, ONLY chauffeuring him around town to run his errands on a Saturday.
All of this, after travelling on a train for 5 hours to get there, running all around Toronto, and then driving an hour and a half to see him before getting to my sister’s place in another town about an hour and a half away.
We get inside, and we get seated. He orders an iced tea, I get a water and we look over the menus.
FB’s Brother: Ahhh.. steak! What are you getting?
FB: Umm.. I guess the chicken pasta. I don’t feel like a heavy steak. It’s too expensive for $27/steak, especially since I can buy more than 8 oz. for $27 and cook it better by myself at home the way I like it.
See, conscious consumption at work here. I didn’t think the steak was worth it and damn it, I had wanted sushi!
FB’s Brother: Oh.
FB: What?
FB’s Brother: Well, can I get a steak?
FB: *shocked silence*
I’ve always pay when I visit my family.
This time, I had assumed we would cover our own halves, our own share, or at the very least, he’d MAN UP as a brother, and seeing as I was going out of my way to visit him, drove his ass around all day, and brought gifts to BOOT, he’d treat me to a $13 chicken pasta dinner and not expect ME to pay the bill.
But every time I go to Toronto, see my parents and my brother happens to be there, I always pay.
In all the times I’ve ever eaten out with my family, I pay, because I like treating them and I can afford it.
But so can my brother.
He isn’t poor on minimum wage or working 3 jobs to make ends meet, he’s making a cool $60,000 a year (twice the salary of an average Canadian family), living in a VERY cheap little town, and socking away 75% of his income every month.
I expected this time around, that we’d go dutch (we each pay our own share), or he’d man up and pony up some dinero to treat his little sister to a meal, considering she wanted sushi and he was really pushing this steakhouse on her.
FB: I AM NOT PAYING FOR YOU
*steam coming out of ears, more angry than amused, and thoroughly shocked*
FB’s Brother: Oh. Why not!?
FB: For every time we’ve gotten together and been in a family setting and you happened to be there, I paid. For everyone. Every. Single. Time. I usually shell out $150/meal each time I come back!
FB’s Brother: Hey! I’ve paid for them too!
FB: You’ve paid for $3 noodles only for Mom once in a while. You don’t ever offer to pay $150 for the entire family and say, “No, FB/FB’s Other Brother, I’ll take care of the cheque this time.” NEVER.
FB’S Brother: That’s a good point.
FB: You are DAMN RIGHT it’s a good point! I expected that we’d pay our own share, OR you’d at least treat ME for all the times I’ve ever paid for your sorry ass!
FB’s Brother: I guess I shouldn’t have ordered that iced tea, even with the free refills.
FB: …….
We finish our meals, the cheque comes, and he finally picks it up after waiting for me to, and looks at it.
It’s by this point, I have decided that he WILL pay for me, and is not going to get out of this, and the fact that he made that comment about how he had assumed I’d pay, that he ended up going “wild” and getting a $3 overpriced iced tea and was expecting a juicy steak FOR FREE really made me mad.
It’s like when I come into town, I wear a sign on my forehead saying “TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FREE MEALS I PAY FOR!”
Partly my fault. I was too lenient on him in my efforts to be generous.
But secretly, I’ve been waiting the past 8 meals for him to offer to pay once. Even to OFFER would be nice. And he has never done it.
I just kept waiting and waiting for him to offer, or to at least acknowledge that it was not a given birthright of a youngest sister (especially!) to always pay in the company of elder siblings.
In my culture (not that we’re very traditional to begin with), the oldest siblings, especially brothers, ALWAYS pay for the younger siblings, the way I treat my little sister a lot.
And we don’t kvetch over it. If we can’t afford it, we just don’t go out, or I tell her out right that I can’t afford to cover her as well, and we find another way to make it work.
Anyway…
FB’s Brother: *slides the chequebook across the counter*
FB: Hmm. $45. Not bad for 2 people.
FB’s Brother: Yeah. Not bad at all.
FB: Look, I’m not paying. Bottom line. This is the time that you are going to treat me and that’s it.
FB’s Brother: Look, I’ve paid a lot for dinners too!
FB: Not when I have ever been in town!!! I can’t recall a single time you’ve ever freaking paid. And considering that it’s been the past 8 times that I’ve paid $150/meal with each person, that’s $1200.
FB’s Brother: But you can afford it! That’s like 10 hours of work for you.
FB: Only when I’m on contract. I am not on contract right now. And I’m not saying that I resented paying for everyone those times, but the kicker is that you can afford it too. Maybe not as often, sure, but once in a while. And you can’t just take all the time and not give anything back.
FB’s Brother: ……. Fine. So.. uh.. what do we tip nowadays?
FB: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. It’s 15% unless you never, ever want to eat in this town or this restaurant AGAIN, and are going to use cash so that they can’t find your name, hunt you down and KICK YOUR CHEAP ASS. So that’s $6.75 as a tip, I’d leave $7.
FB’s Brother: WHAT?!?!?
FB: 15% of $45 is $6.75. I’d leave $7 because she did a good job. If you can’t afford to eat out and leave a tip, DON’T EAT OUT.
FB’s Brother: Why can’t I just leave a $5 bill?
FB: Because that is barely over 10%!!!!
FB’s Brother: *grumbles*….But that’s a very expensive $52 burger. *grumble*
Waitress: So! How are we paying?
FB’s Brother: By credit card. And I’m treating my sister tonight.
FB: How nice. Thank you.
Waitress: Oh that’s nice! What a GREAT brother!
FB: No, it’s nice because the last 8 times we’ve gone out, I’ve paid for him every single time and it’s time for his cheap ass to pay up, so I’m making him.
Waitress: *laughing*
FB: I even got the water so he wouldn’t have to pay for an iced tea. *wink*
Waitress: She’s being a fabulous sister then!
FB’s Brother: When I go out with my friends next week for dinner, I just won’t get anything so I don’t have to pay. I’m already over my budget.
FB: *rolls eyes*
He took the harsh ribbing and shaming in good stride, but a little shaming never hurt anyone into good manners. Works on strangers on buses, works on brothers.
However, he did repeat the entire night after I drove him home, about how he spent $52 on a burger.
Note, I ate the pasta. He got the iced tea, and he wanted appetizers (before he found out I was not paying for a steak or at all), and he got the burger.
He didn’t even SEE that it was $52 being spent on a meal for the both of us. He saw it as an expensive waste of $52 for JUST A BURGER. Not that he was treating his sister, or that it was time for him to reciprocate and be a nice, welcoming host brother.
No everyone, he was being a cheap opportunist.
I’m done with treating him. It makes me mad that I am related to someone so damn cheap (he kind of gets it from my dad I think, but even my dad is more subtle and WILL pay once in a while).
When we go out to eat, or with my parents, I will make it clear, up front that I am only paying for my parents and myself.
He’s lost his privilege of being treated like a decent brother.
And in the end, it didn’t even feel like a treat! More like a fight! I mugged him and made him pay!!!!
Clearly, this is a parasitic relationship that does not know the meaning of ‘give and take’.
Please, if you recognize yourself in the above story, you have to understand that you are a CHEAP OPPORTUNIST, and it is far worse than being CHEAP.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
Wow, money issues in the family can be tricky! I am sorry you have to put up with that kind of behavior, especially from your sibling!
This made me really mad!!! Why do you always pay? I can’t believe you let it go on for this long, I definitely understand your breaking point. This is so frustrating, especially about the part where he wanted to leave her $5. I hate people like this. I’m just so annoyed reading this and typing my comment!! I would love to hear an update since it’s been several years now.
Ouchh ! i hate those kinds of people, who take advantage of other who is being nice and generous to them, Totally cheap!
I love your comment about mugging him.
hahahaha, I’m rolling tears in my eyes that sounds so much like my family, LOL!
Except it’s not just my brothers, it’s all of them, 🙂 and I’m the single parent, who makes less than them, 🙂 some people are just brought up that way, being “cheap opportunists”
Also, this kind of sucks and I’m totally not blaming you, but you’ve sort of set a pattern of you paying for everything and you’ve reinforced it. Really, they should be paying for YOU when you spend the $ and the time to come visit them. Anyway, it’s a bad position to be in but you now have to break your family of the habit/expectation because you’ve sort of reinforced that behaviour by always paying when you visit them, which sucks I know.
Re: splitting bills, I’m not cheap by any means but I’m not rich. If anything, I go way overboard on treating others and I always over tip (like 20-25%) because I know what it’s like to work in the service industry and I feel bad. This is why I only go out once a month now, especially since I have no income at the moment and am returning to school in the fall to get my Masters. Anyway, when I do go out with friends and I know we’re splitting the cheque, I will only pay my share because I don’t order drinks (usually) and I don’t get expensive items normally because I’m broke. I hate when people expect to split the cheque evenly and they’ve ordered 3 beers and steak & lobster or something, especially since I don’t normally eat dessert either. I’ll usually ask for a separate cheque at the beginning because i know that the server appreciates it (makes it easier for them to do it in advance) and because so often in a group setting, I’ve paid for my share plus a huge tip and we still end up short because of the cheapwads who won’t tip. Drives me insane!!!
Wow, that is so disgusting. I’ve been so broke I’ve been barely able to afford groceries (but always paid rent and bills) and I would still pay for a night out with friends once in awhile. Yeesh. And I agree with you, if you can’t afford to tip then you can’t afford to eat out at a nice (or even so-so) restaurant (where they have waitresses). Stick to McDonald’s if you don’t like to tip…
Wow, that is one cheap dude. Nice story. Or rather, painful story with a nice ending. Glad to see your brother got shamed out of being such a wanker, at least for the moment.
Reading that made me SICK to my stomach. I literally had a bit of a gag reflex going on!
Stick to your guns. Never pay for him EVER again. For that kind of lousy treatment he deserves to pay for all of you for the rest of his life – payback with interest!
I think you’ve just described my brother. Are you sure we’re not related? 😉
I would like to add that the worst of the cheap opportunists are the ones that like to invite everyone to lunch, orders the most food, (double what everyone else orders) then want’s to split the bill evenly. I don’t mind a split but that is obviously a scam.
OMG YES!!!!!!!! Good point.
I loathe COs.
Me, I just order what I want to eat and that’s all I pay for, especially
since I don’t drink alcohol!!!
LOVE IT!! Yes cheap opportunists are by far the most annoying.
Wow.. your brother is CHEAP! Good for you for not letting it slip (e.g. you go dutch, or you pay), because he would take advantage of your generosity again, I’m sure 🙁
He has many times but now we’re teaching him better lessons. He just paid
for a lunch for all of us! 😀
Can I bitchslap your brother? lol.
I give you a standing ovation for telling him what’s what – that’s mah girl! 😉
xx
Haha He’s getting better, trust me. We’re being treated to lunch today 🙂 4
adults plus him!
I feel ya, I have an uncle like that. Then again, I have a sister like that, too. The difference? She at least attempts to take the bill. In the end, I know I'm paying for her and her 3 kids.
The last time I was in the US, my husband and I treated that sister (j) to dinner and my other sister (k) with her two kids to lunch. K's husband was PISSED when I refused to shell out more money the following Sunday for brunch. He assumed that my parents were paying (for 17 people… we have a big family). When my brother and I started putting in money, K's husband told me to put in money for him too and I looked like I was going to throw down and kill him – right then and there. Thankfully, my brother said "she just put in $60 when the two of them really only owed $15. She's not putting in any more money. They're in college. You work full time. Grow up."
Family sucks sometimes.
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That is really annoying when people assume you should pay for everything. I very much agree with that if you work, you should be able to cover your share.
He really has no shame… In our family, the only thing we will fight about is who gets to pay the bill.. because everybody wants to! Sure, if money's a bit tight, I don't shout as loud as other times, but I do think that you should always offer to pay the bill. However, that's easy to say if nobody minds paying for a great evening out with the family.
I did have a colleague who was really cheap. Or at least, I think so, since he quite often suggested we should get something for lunch, and in the end never paid for it. Even worse: if he got something for us from the supermarket, he always kept the change (which sometimes was more than the cost of the purchased product). When I finally realized that it were no incidents, I just got my own stuff and never had him bring anything for me.
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This is exactly what I\’ve been dealing with!
We\’re trying to teach him that the world doesn\’t owe him a living just because we make more money than he does. Fair share and all that, but we\’d never ask him to pay for a $800 meal or something ridiculous (not that we\’d pay that ourselves!)
I agree that being a cheap opportunist sucks. But I disagree with this.
"And when you do go out to eat, you order water ALL the time, refuse to split the bill with friends evenly (which I also think is stupid), but you literally count every single penny of what everyone ate, with taxes, and their portion of the tip."
1) Water is good and healthy. There is nothing wrong with ordering water if that is what you want.
2) I order on the menu based what I budgeted for the evening (and I include tip in that budget). Also, as an (almost) CA, and friends and family on that track, splitting the bill exactly is what we do without a second thought.
3) After living in a country where tips are not expected, a tip is earned. Most servers expect 20% just for showing up and doing a piss poor job.
So, FB, let's agree to disagree. Great post!
I very much agree that water is good and healthy…. but my brother didn\’t want to split the bill!
He wanted ME to pay for EVERYTHING, and for himself, if he were paying, he would NEVER buy an expensive steak, but he\’s willing to spend my money.
For the 2 of us, he just assumed that would be the deal!
I\’m younger too, by the way 😛
I'm very conservative, so I know most won't agree with me here.. but I think males should pay! Whether it's a male sibling (obviously of working age.. not like your 15 yr old brother lol), bf, dad.. at the very least they should pay half the time. For him to expect YOU, his sister, to pay every time, is so shocking and downright embarrassing!
Happy to hear you stood up to him. It's hard to voice these type of things, esp to family, and esp when it's money concerns. Good for you!!
I have 5 brothers and two sisters.
Out of those 7 siblings, there is a LOSER brother that's an opportunist. He wanted to start a small business, so he borrowed tens of thousands ($30 grands) from me. His business failed, and he's working a job now, but he still has not paid what he owed. I told him that he can pay me like $100 or $200 a month , that will get paid over time. Our family suspects he gambles. He can not even aford decently for his wife and 5 year old kid, yet he keeps a mistress that he spends tons of money on. He's a big liar!!!! I always think how can our decent family produce such a failure and liar (he must have been adopted.) Last time I checked with my parents (again and again) sadly, he's related to us by blood. I totally despise him!!! I don't plan on speaking with him from now on . . .. .
My brother is not quite that bad, but he\’s just not aware of his actions, having grown up with a bit of a chip… at any rate, we\’re getting along better and I\’m sorry to hear about your brother!
Fortunately for me, my brother isn't cheap in that way, but I do have a few acquaintances who are very much like your brother – opportunistic parasites. Hence they remain acquaintances and not close friends.
You paid 8x for him?! and you're younger? and his sister? He really has no shame. If I were a man, and had to have my younger sister pay, I won't be able to swallow the food. Feel said for his wife/future wife.
Its so sad when people are that cheap! In my family people fight over who gets to pay. Kudos to you FB for being a much better human than your brother. I hope he read this post!
No he hasn’t read any of my posts, but I’m sure he got the hint.
He is sooo cheap! Good for you for standing your ground! When my sister and I are hanging out I always pay (she is in college and not working), it doesn't bother me. But I hope it's easy to transition (read she realizes) once she starts working FT we'll pay for our own halves. Hopefully she pays for me at least once though 🙂
You should def stop paying for him when you go out, he isn't appreciative enough for the kind gesture.
Just be careful that she may never transition.
My brother had to be taught a lesson.