It’s something that I’ve done all my life, and still do.
Faking it until I made it.
I was super shy, super serious, ugly as all hell. Almost fugly. Actually, DEFINITELY fugly.
I look back at pictures now and shudder at the awkward time I went through.
Don’t try and tell me all children are beautiful — they aren’t. I’m sorry, they just aren’t.
And I was one of the ugly fat ones with glasses & braces, and I got my fair share of teasing and hurtful comments. I am sure you had a girl or guy like that in your class who got teased all the time. I was that girl.
No guys wanted to even look at me, much less consider dating me except as a joke because I was so different (not blonde, blue-eyed or white for that matter).
Kids can be really cruel.
I was one of the girls they’d name in a poll about “who you’d like to date THE LEAST“, and while I’d beat out a girl or two, I was generally always on the bottom of the looks list.
I was so envious of everyone who seemed to interact with other kids their age so easily. They were able to laugh, have fun, talk and FIT IN without even trying. Everyone was so different from me, and I just wanted to desperately fit in, but I could never do it.
So I retracted into myself even further and I told myself it was because I was getting awesome grades that I felt like an outsider.
Like I was too mature for my age, trapped in an ugly child’s body.
My armour and shield was being smart. I didn’t even like the taste of alcohol (never really drank more than a drop until I turned 19) and I just didn’t see the point in cigarettes (smelled gross) or drugs (was afraid of getting addicted).
I just worked harder in school, did more work, really tried to make it to the top of my class to prove to myself that I wasn’t worthless. Kind of sad writing this (LOL), but it was true. That kind of drive to make it to the top made me work my butt off.
One day, a popular girl saw me staring off at the distance. She exclaimed (cattily and insincerely), “Wow, FB is really pretty...”… followed by a long snickering and pointing.
In terms of looks, I felt awful my entire life until the end of high school (the start of elementary until the end of secondary was a huge long painful episode that I have pretty much blocked out).
It was then, that I realized the golden rule: Fake it until you make it.
The braces had come off, I had discovered contact lenses (my parents FINALLY let me get a pair), and my skin started to clear up a bit.
In class, I started getting more confidence because I thought: “Hey, what do I care? I’m never going to see these people again in my life.”
So I started acting like myself. My true self.
And I was right. Except for 3 friends and one or two classmates I never saw them again, and they also never recognized me unless I said something because I had changed so much.
Gone was the wallflower, the shy girl, the awkward, kind of chubby, weird looking kid.
I turned into an outspoken, outgoing, funny person that people ended up gravitating towards, but it didn’t happen over night. Believe me.
I ended up realizing that I really WAS pretty. That blonde princess didn’t know she was speaking the truth when she told me sardonically that I was pretty.
I was and am a great person to be around, and even though I can be in people’s words: “a bit harsh, opinionated and strong in my convictions” (you should hear the discussions I have with BF over totally mundane things, people think we’re about to break up or I’m about to kill him), it means I have a personality.
And instead of hiding that all my youth, and pretending I was a nice, simple, smart, quiet, wallflower girl who didn’t think badly of anybody, I spoke my mind and realized that people liked that I was bitchy.
They liked that I said what they were thinking, and they liked my honesty (to a point.. I haven’t lost ALL tact and diplomacy)!
They LIKED that I was quirky and weird (but not in a creepy way).
It was a weird revelation to realize that I had spent all those years hiding who I was, and I had given up on that facade only because I became exhausted of all the effort it took to lie to myself that I was someone different and it just wasn’t ME.
On the dating front, I also ended up (finally) dating guys by meeting them online and learning how to date (no guy in real life ever asked me out until BF (FOR REAL!) and it is strange, because he had to fight off many other guys who wanted my number as well. When it rains it really pours.).
It wasn’t until I went on a couple dates that I realized that I had the power to overcome my nervousness just by tricking myself.
I wasn’t expecting anything from the date, I pretended they were good friends I had known before, and my personality came out as a result, instead of being shy and awkward. I became interested in everything they said, even if I really wasn’t.
I asked about their figurine collection even if I couldn’t care less, and asked questions like: “how much are they worth in the end?”… “do they paint them a certain colour for certain characters?”…”how many do you have?”…”how did you get into collecting them?”
You know.
And I gained a lot of confidence in meeting strangers, and putting on a big smile and being friendly and at ease with them right away. It’s a handy skill at networking events or parties.
Just go up, smile, and say “Hi, my name is FB, and you are?”
A lot of my dates told me that I instantly made them feel comfortable, which made them feel like they could just be themselves instead of some shellacked version.
They told me they admired my ability to be comfortable on a first date, much less a blind date, and having met them ONLINE first (dating online was SO not cool when I did it 7 years ago so I hid the fact that I met them online).
I wish I had told them the secret – I was faking it all along, pretending to be comfortable and charismatic when I didn’t feel like that. Maybe it could have helped them in future dates.
I even do it to this day, during interviews or presentations.
I get butterflies just like everyone else, but I just calm myself down, I read over my resume, I point out great things I did in my resume to build myself up, and I remind myself that I am great at my job and I truly love it. (Which I do. That isn’t lying).
And I never, EVER start sentences with:
- “I know I don’t have much experience but…”
- “Well, I don’t know, but…”
- “Umm I am not sure, but…”
Those are suicidal sentences for me.
Instead, if I don’t have much experience or don’t know about something, I say:
- “I have done that once on a project, and I feel confident I can do it again.”
- “I have never found my lack of ____ to be a problem. We always find a way to make it work.”
- “I have technically not done that on a project before, but I know how it works and am confident I can do it.”
Which is all true. But sometimes you are not sure, not confident and shy.
So you have to trick yourself before you can believe it’s real.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
wow i really love this post!! It is so raw and true and kinda is everything i am going through right now. It just penned my thoughts in words.Can i ask you when did you “butterfly” like when did you wearing contacts,date, etc? 🙂
wow I had a similar childhood. I was tortured throughout most of my childhood. It didn't help that we moved a lot. High school was like prison, I hated it, kids were cruel to me. After graduation I didn't stay in contact with anyone and I refuse to go to any reunions. I learned life's big lesson: Looks are everything, its the outside that matters. People try to deny that but its something that I've lived through.
Yep I had the braces, glasses and weight. So I decided to do a makeover after high school, my mom agreed to pay for everything. She paid for LASIK, veneers after braces were off, and a nose job (it wasn't that dramatic, I went to 3 different doctors and I found one who had good ethics and was the best in the area). I also had my name legally changed to something more glamorous and less ethnic, the judge was very kind after I told him why I wanted it changed. I saved up about $1,500 or so and then moved out of state and started over.
Soon after this my parents sold their house and bought a new house in a retirement community, so when I go back I don't have to see anyone from high school. btw I too met my bf online, he knows what I looked like previously, he understood why I had my makeover because he hated high school too, and no he didn't go to his reunion either. I still have about 30 lbs I want to shake off but lets just say life is peaceful now.
I don't have to worry about being tortured because of my looks anymore. I don't encounter anyone from the past in Nebraska. I feel more comfortable talking to people and making friends. If I become good friends with someone I usually tell them about what I did. A lot of people tell me "you look so young for your age" or "oh my god, you look like my friend ___ ." One time I got "you look a little like Selena Gomez.."
Now that I'm 27 I know looks aren't everything but they're a huge part of life and that at times makes me sad, I judge people less because I know what its like to be judged for your looks. Some people go to extremes with makeovers like Heidi Montag, but I never went that far. Its definitely important to know when to stop. Personally I feel great, I don't feel ugly anymore, but I think moving had the biggest effect in my life.
I don't know what it is about moving but it was a huge clean slate in my life and I needed that. Anyway please don't feel sorry for me, I just wanted to share my story. I know some people think its a little sad or extreme or both, but its part of my journey. Though I don't think its that extreme compared to some other people.I really do think part of it is knowing when to stop.
But you know the funny thing is I'm still the same girl and its really interesting how people treat me now than from previously. Its a total 180. Sometimes I find human nature frustrating, because I'm still the same person, I have the same thoughts about life that I did back then. I also find it frustrating when famous people put on fat suits and walk around "fat" for a day. What a joke.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent again, I really should get a blog eh? 😉
As long as you are at where you want to be now, I say it was all worth it.
You should definitely get a blog, but I\’d miss your super long comments!!!!!
I love your blogs because you tell it like it is. You remind me of me. I am a little on the extra smart side and that intimidates some people. I am just learning to be true to myself and I know things will work out. After just getting out of a LTR, I need a little kick to get out and dating again. Thanks for the fab post! You inspire me!
I completely understand where you are coming from. I was extremely awkward until about my freshman year of high school when it all started to come together. I had huge glasses, braces, and frizzy hair. I was skinny to the point of looking anorexic and often got teased for it. School nurses even joked about my weight during a field hockey physical. I bloomed the summer before high school and went from having no bust to more than most. Even then, I got teased I that I was stuffing. It took some time to experiment with makeup to cover my acne and learned how to do my hair. I never dated guys from my school. We had grown up together, and they all knew the awkward me. (Since graduating HS I have found out that quite a few had a crush on me.)
It wasn’t until years later, when I moved to NYC that I really gained self confidence. I put myself out in a lot of strange situations in order to make new friends and form my life here. It’s still hard going into a group when I don’t know anyone. I plaster a smile on my face, pretend to be comfortable and eventually I meet new people. I’m always happy that I did it afterwards, so it makes the initial self-conscious feeling worth it. Some people say it’s hard to meet people here. I’ve found it’s incredibly easy if you put yourself out there, but I guess not many people are willing to do that.
You weren’t the only one! And I agree, give yourself some credit. You have developed skills and abilities through your “faking it” since you have been PRACTICING.
Too too right. I’ve been doing this a lot, when interviewing and interacting with people professionally. It’s not natural, yet, though, so lots of times I just end up feeling drained after a few hours of being animated and faking interest in larger groups.
I worry that I’ll have zero energy to do this as I approach the peak years of my career, but, as usual, you set the bar to strive for! I WILL make it, dangit! 🙂
Heck no, you’re not alone. I was a freak with straight A’s, a pudgy physique, and a major speech defect (now corrected) all through grade school. I started learning how to fake it in junior high simply as a survival skill. The weird part is that over the next twenty-five years or so, I became the person I was presenting to the world.
Hot diggety damn. How do you like them apples?
i am bookmarking that entry. it’s come at a right time for me because i don’t want to be that wallflower anymore or the ‘shy asian girl’. i do say um alot too.. i have to change that.. good post 🙂
Thanks to everyone for such sweet comments. I suppose it’s true — we all felt left out at one point or another.
And it’s even worse when you realize LATER that you spent ALL of this time being someone you weren’t, when in fact, people wanted you to just be yourself.
Who knew? 🙂
Foxella: Oh honey, thank you but.. I AM charismatic and comfortable most of the time now 🙂
That’s where the “until you make it” part comes in. *shrug* I’m totally fine with where I am now, a bit shy, but with enough brass to bust out a bluster just to overcome the initial fear.
I have a lot of confidence, but I don’t want to get to the point where I have TOO Much and it turns into arrogance.
That pretty much sums up my high school experience….I hope soon I can get to the stage where you’re at, and until then fake it when I don’t feel it!
This is an AWESOME post – awesome blog for that matter. I’m so glad I found it, thanks to AGrlCanMAC. Your writing is just fantastic. Please stop by my blog sometimes. I’m going to join the crowd and follow your blog.
As for your question, Oh, goodness yes, I’ve faked it. I wasn’t the chubby kid with braces. I was the dreaded dark child. When I was in school, black was okay if you were really more like caramel – say Alicia Keys’ complexion. To actually be brown was the kiss of death.
It wasn’t until college that I decided I wouldn’t take my cues about beauty from the mass market that only admires Barbie (the original one, not the new ethnic ones). And like you, once I realized I liked me and started to show that, other people were drawn to me and started to tell me how pretty I was.
Now, I’m downright giddy about my chocolate skin and kinky hair. Wouldn’t change it for the world. *smile*
Great post as always. I’ve def been in situations where I had to fake it before I made it. In interviews especially. LOL.
I gave your blog an award! b/c I think you blog is fabulous. :0)
fyi: dating online is STILL not cool. I met my bf that way but neither of us in a million years will tell anyone that.
well while reading this I thought, this is very close to my experience aside from the faking it part(i have yet to master that) but I think i’m becoming more of myself because I have resorted to saying, “I’ll never see them again so I can be myself”. I dont like the taste of alcohol either…my whole college experience has been lacking on that front…forget about dates…never had a bf. I’m inspired to fake it now…cuz I’ll be entering the job market in a couple of months and I’m going to need it.
Love your blog!
When I was a kid I never felt like I fit in either. Sometimes I think that nobody felt they fit in, thus singling out some one else to tease. I find the more people I meet, the more quirks there are. And when I reconnect with people I barely talked to in highschool or earlier, turns out they are weirder than I am! I think we all get to a certain stage where we stop faking it to fit in, and just become comfortable with who we are.
This post is interesting because it starts off with you deciding not to fake it anymore because you were exhausted and then ends with tips on how to fake it. Thanks for the tips on interview question turn arounds!
I’m sorry you got teased in school. I was the super smart, scrawny, lanky late bloomer, and I got teased all the time too.
I need to start tricking myself. Thanks for this post… seriously. It’s like you’re reading my mind.
Haha, your transformation sounds quite a bit like mine! Except I’m not to the point where I feel totally confident about everything. I’m usually amazing the first time I meet someone, and then after that I am shy and awkward.
I still have a hard time (e.g. in interviews) talking myself up. I’m always worried I’ll sound conceited.
I must admit when I read this I was suprised by it in that I know exactly how you feel. I was the same girl growing up. I mean the exact same. I was the shy, wall flower girl who never quite fit in. I had my few close friends but other than that I was never the pretty or popular one. Things I was constantly told by those who were. I never drank, smoked or did drugs growing up which made me even more of an outcast. Instead, I focused on doing well in school. I don’t remember when it exactly was though that I stopped caring what others thought and just did my own thing. I want to say it’s when I went off to college. Things got easier around that time for me. I started to do my own thin and realized I was no longer sterotyped like I was with the people I had grown up with. Even now though, I’m just out of grad school, moved to a new area, and in my first professional job and I find myself slipping back into old habits of being the shy, wall flower that cares with others think. I wonder if others find it hard not slip back into old habits. Maybe. Perhaps, it’s just one of those things that a person will have to work on for awhile. I did enjoy your mantra though of, “fake it until you make it”. It’s a good way of thinking about it and can help put things back in perspective for a person.
Great post FB… 🙂 I totally agree with you. The best way to learn is by trying. Plus as consultants we have to be that way…
CD
Baby,
There is no way in the world that you can fake “being comfortable and charismatic”
Give yourself some credit. I am begging you. I’m guessing you are having a rough morning. Wish you were here so I can make you a Timmy and talk for ours. Listen, looks are deceiving. Applies to both guys and girls! I’ve dated A LOT and still looking for the one (i don’t know where the heck is hiding!) .. just one guy that I can sit and talk for hours adn share everything. Sharing is caring remember? Please please please do not underestimate your abilities and inner beauty. So it can shine out! You are a great girl. Email me if you like foxy@foxella.com
Hugs
Lots of them
girl I’ve been doing that for years lol…I tell my friends that all the time whenever they are frustrated with certain things..or don’t think they can get through something…I LOVE that phrase…FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT!!
It is even applicable to just everyday life..you having a bad day, FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT!..lol..Great thing about your experience is that you’ve been on the opposite end of awkward and “outcast” so you can empathize…so you just naturally make people feel comfortable..
That is awesome though…and good job at adjusting your vernacular..words are powerful, people don’t think much of it, but changing something as simple as not saying “can’t” or “won’t” can have a huge impact…
KEEP IT UP FB!!! 🙂
This is a great post.
I had a similar school experience. I always had friends, but I never felt like I really fit in. I’m super introverted, and although I’ve become quite good at “faking it” as you say, I will never be comfortable in large groups. As a result, I’ve learned to manipulate my social situations so that they’re mostly small group.
Your interview advice is awesome. Last summer, I interviewed for a serving position at a restaurant, and the guy asked me if I could open a bottle of wine. My response: “I could figure it out.” Yeah, I didn’t get the job…but it’s the attitude that counts.
Reading this reminded me of myself. Maybe unconsciously I was faking it till I make it. I probably still am doing it at times.
I was exactly like you FB, the girl they would least date, and voila, fastforward to after college years, and working life, I gained my confidence. When I looked back, I am so happy at what I have achieved..
And thanks for your sharing your experience, hope it inspires others, it sure did to me (again).
Have a good weekend.