What’s an acceptable age gap between men and women? To date that is?
I have this theory that when we’re younger, anything over one or two years can make a HUGE deal. Like the age of an 16 year old dating a 20 year old is a big age gap. But if you’re older in your twenties or thirties, you don’t mind if you are 30 dating at 34 year old. In fact, your age gap tolerance becomes larger as you get older.
If you were a 90 year old dating a 70 year old, a 20 year age gap would not be a problem at all, at least not in my mind.
I’m in my mid-20s right now, and BF is currently edging close to 40.
People hear this age gap and give me this reaction:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And of course BF gets this reaction:
But the intention behind both are very different. Mine is more of a “Umm, he’s kind of old” reaction, and his is more of “You lucky guy you! *tinge of jealousy*”.
However the good news is that he doesn’t look anywhere near 40. People would peg him to be in his early 30s, even late 20s. So we don’t get a lot of those reactions from people we just casually meet.
But the minute I open my mouth and say I’m in my mid-20s and they KNOW that he’s in his late 30s (or vice versa), they do that little freakout show written above.
I think the best answer for this is: It Depends.
It depends on each person’s personality in the relationship (I’m saying this, clearly because I’m in one right now), and circumstances, like whether or not you really get along well as a couple or basically “what keeps you in the relationship”.
It reminds me of an episode with Samantha and Carrie where Samantha starts dating a “cute older man”, and asks Carrie what her age limit is. Carrie keeps saying “50?”, “50”? And when Samantha finally admits that the guy is older, MUCH older, Carrie gives her a look like she’s mad.
I originally thought my age limit would have been 35, but it turned out to be a couple of years above that which I was willing to let slide since we got along so well. So I can’t really say what my hard age line would be, but I suppose 50 would have really done the dog in. I could not have continued a relationship with a 50 year old, that’s for sure!!!! Even if we got along really well.
Maybe all single ladies out there should ask to see driver’s ID to check a guy’s age before falling for them. Or not. 🙂 It depends on what you’re looking for in life, of course.
In the past, I KNOW they used to marry girls as young as 12 to men as old as 30 or 40. That I find sickening (just because I’ve been brought up in this type of culture and society), but it has happened before, so it’s not something totally new.
I’d like to know what you think though!
Or do you not have one and are totally open?
So open that you’d even date a guy (or woman) twice your age?
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yeah the girl I like is 16 but Im 20…… wont matter in the future but is a little awkward now. I guess as you said…it depends…on us as people….on her parents etc…. her parents are my main worry xD
I have always been attracted to and dated men who were significantly older than I am (10 years or more). The older I get though, the older they are getting and, for the first time in my life, I’m starting to look at men much closer to my own age. If that trend continues, in a few more years, I’ll be dating younger men!
I have a lil problem with the age thing. I can’t date a guy even if he is a day younger than I am. Just can’t do it. A friend of mine pointed out one thing: “It’s because I have a younger brother. And it is common” Any ideas? Thoughts?
Question to everyone dating or married with a 10 year gap. How did you reconcile the child issue? Did you have children? Were you married previously with kids both of you and not wanting kids?
I don’t really have an upper age limit, but I do have a lower age limit! When I was working I wouldn’t date a guy under 25…mainly for maturity reasons…
I actually went on a few dates with a guy that was 41…not a big deal.
I'm a bit weird this way, but… I feel a bit of revulsion when I think about myself dating an older man.
I definitely pass no judgment on others with older significant others… it's just a personal peculiarity. I'm not sure where it stems from. (and I'm sure if the man was really lovely, I could overlook the age difference. I think?)
In general, I prefer men who are my age or younger. I like to have them under my heel a bit. <.< That sounds terrible… But I have fun playing the "older, wiser" card. 😉
My husband and I are 5 years apart, he’s older. I’ve always liked older guys!
The oldest man I ever dated was 14 or so years older than me…but you’d never know it from meeting him. Turns out he was totally psycho so I’m glad that didn’t pan out. 😉
Its about mental maturity. 16 and 20 are on entirely different levels – but you’re right about that gap expanding as you get older. I’m 30 but can’t fathom dating someone who’s 60 (older than my dad!) but I imagine 45 without issue. Maybe my rule is “as long as they aren’t in the same decade as dad”
My current boyfriend is five years younger (first time I dated someone that much younger) and we do ocassionally have culture clashes but otherwise its been a non-issue.
I agree that the older you get, the less important age is.
I always said I'd never date anybody younger than me & here I am with a bf who is two years younger. Not a big deal but still made me eat my words.
Well I’m 25 and my husband is 26 but if I was dating I wouldnt date a guy more than 5 years older than me.
So I wouldnt date a guy in his 30s. I just think you should find someone your own age, there’s enough single older women who need to meet men their age – why take one out of the dating pool? When youre young you have so many more to choose from!
Great post and awesome comments!
I have dated older and younger. Though not at all intentional, I have only dated younger guys (getting progressively younger!) for the last 20 years. When my last BF and I broke up (he was 14 years younger) I decided that 5 years either way was my limit. I am at a point in my life where I want to be able to say “Hey, remember when we were kids…..” and have the guy be able to relate. I just wanted someone who has shared similar life experiences, not someone who was still watching Sesame Street when I was out at the clubs. Been there, done that…
My current BF is 5 years younger, in case anyone is wondering 😉
It matters all the way along if the gap is a generation (technically 19 years); you are going to have some accommodations to make, whether 20-40/ 40-60/60-80. At 20-40 you may not have health or energy issues, but at 40/60, you may. If your partner has a child your age, think carefully about this relationship.
And btw “was with” is very different than “married and had children with my partner”.
Nitpick: I don’t believe that EVERYONE your age is into drinking and you are not.
But, that doesn’t mean you don’t get on better with someone older.
I’ve never dated someone more than +/- 2 years, pretty small range. But I’ve also been with the same one since I was 21, and at that time, I was basically only meeting other college students. The only older men I met were definitely “that creepy old guy” that hung around college students. Ha.
In general, the idea of dating someone significantly older sort of creeps me out, but I’m sure if I was more used to socializing with them then found one I liked, the creepiness would vanish.
I’m ~2 yrs older than my bf, but I tell him women have a longer life expectancy, so we should measure from time of death, and then I’m younger. 😉
Wow, am loving these stories, esp no more spending with her age range LOL
Angela: That makes sense. BF and I think there’s something wrong with the formula.
For sure, it’s personalities that matter in terms of matching. I couldn’t date a guy my age. They’re into drinking and I’m not. I needed someone more mature, and that’s who I got.
I def was never into anyone younger than me.
As far as an older age difference…I apparently have no age limit.
When I was 18 I was with someone who was 50. When I was 24 I was with someone who was 49, and when I was 29 I was with someone who was 49. So as I get older, the age gap closes in I guess! And I’m not saying that the age difference is at all appropriate in any of these circumstances, just stating what happened in my life.
I don’t think I have an age limit, but I also don’t see myself dating someone twice my age. I have dated younger before, but bf is only two years older. This is an interesting issue.
I started dating my husband when I was 30 and he was 55….11 years ago. It depends on the couple. I feel like I was an adult when I met him and he wasn’t trying to mentor/parent me in any way. I think that’s what you have to look out for — a relationship where the older party is just looking for someone malleable. And of course you have to agree on life plans, like children etc. Other than that — People say thoughtless things to us all the time, and we enjoy laughing at them. MrB loves it when people ask if I’m his daughter.
I don’t think it matters once everyone is of legal age. When I was 19 I met a guy who was really great. I never thought to ask his age for the first few dates. It turned out he was 33. I thought he was younger, he thought I was older. Either way, it didn’t matter in the end.
My friend recently started talking to a guy she likes who is on the cusp of 40 while we are early 20’s. She was scared to tell me but I hang out with a ton of people in their 30’s and 40’s, so I’m totally open. I think once you get to a certain mindset, it just doesn’t matter anymore. 🙂
My age limit is 10 years older. I’m 29 and I can deal with a guy up to 39. In his 40’s though… I don’t know, it just SOUNDS so much older when you’re 40 or older and I’m a bit uncomfortable with that. And yes I know that a guy who’s 39 will turn 40, but then I will also turn 30 and then it will still be only one decade difference between us 🙂
Noah is 39, so that age difference worked out for me… I mean I broke up with him, but it had nothing to do with the age difference.
For going younger though, I have a very different tolerance for age difference. I wouldn’t date a guy who was younger than 26. That’s because I’m already 29, I want to get married, I want to have kids, and I don’t want to wait around for years for a guy 4 years younger than me to feel like he’s mature enough for those things. Also because of my relationship goals, I would like a guy who is ambitious and has achieved a certain level of success (not that I want to mooch off him. I can support myself. But the lifestyle I have in mind costs a certain amount of money, so money does matter). That level in your career doesn’t occur when you’re just out of college; you need a few years of working under your belt. And I find it harder to relate to guys who are still in college or JUST out of college.
So I guess my age range is 26-39.
I believe in the Standard Creepiness Rule (don’t date anyone under [your age/2]+7, as Amy said).
Before I met my current boyfriend I would have said up to 5 years older than me (but never younger; boys aren’t really mature).
I’m in the same boat as you FB. I’m 22, my boyfriend of 4 years is turning 32 this year. I hope to think it doesn’t matter as much now. But get this, when we met I was 17! I think that freaked my parents out a little bit.
I agree with you though. It depends on how the personalities play off of each other. 🙂
About 2 years ago I went on a few dates with a guy that was 8 years older. I’d talk about drinking games and he’d talk about playing chess with guys my dad’s age. Needless to say, I think our maturity gap was a lot more than 8 years!
I tend to date guys my age or slightly younger, but am not opposed to someone older. I have an ex that is 4 years older, and I always felt like it was the other way around. One of the girls in my dinner group has an older husband, and she was telling me in NYC that is the way to go. Maybe this is why I’m still single? lol
Either way, it’s not like I card a guy when I meet him. If I like someone and then later found out he was older, it wouldn’t bother me.
About 2 years ago I went on a few dates with a guy that was 8 years older. I’d talk about drinking games and he’d talk about playing chess with guys my dad’s age. Needless to say, I think our maturity gap was a lot more than 8 years!
I tend to date guys my age or slightly younger, but am not opposed to someone older. I have an ex that is 4 years older, and I always felt like it was the other way around. One of the girls in my dinner group has an older husband, and she was telling me in NYC that is the way to go. Maybe this is why I’m still single? lol
Either way, it’s not like I card a guy when I meet him. If I like someone and then later found out he was older, it wouldn’t bother me.
I was just about to post the same formula that Amy did, but I think she got the reverse of it wrong.
To find the HIGH end of your dating spectrum, you have to subtract 7 FIRST, and THEN multiply by 2 (order of operations has to be reversed as well).
In theory… Let's say he's 40. 40 divided by 2 = 20, + 7 = 27. So 27 & 40 is perfectly fine. 27 & 40 is okay by this rule.
To reverse the math properly, 27-7 = 20, x2 = 40.
(If we did it in the opposite order we'd end up with 47, which doesn't match… a 47yo can't date a 27yo by their equation, so it shouldn't work out that way from the other end.)
I love you for this post. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 37. It’s caused a bit of a commotion amongst our loved ones, but since we’ve been together for over 2 years, everyone (minus my parents) “get” it now and see the true attraction and connection that we have instead of what’s on paper.
When I was 25, I dated a guy who was 45. He wasn’t dating me for my conversation. 😉 Having said that, the happiest marriage I know is between a woman who is 38 and her 62-year-old husband. They are like a couple of teenagers in love and it makes me happy just being around them.
There is a six year gap between me and my SO (I’m 40 and he’s 46). I look younger and he looks much, much older so we get a few odd looks. Eh, we don’t care what anyone else thinks.
I ended a relationship with a man who was 12 years older than I jsut before the holidays. I also have in the past dated men about 10 years younger than I . I’ve also dated a lot of men around my age. I actually had more of my friends comment on the older man rather than the younger man in my life. I personally think alot has to do with the individual as well. I’ve dated some very immature 44 year olds. Compatability is key as in any relationship.
My girlfriend is 2 years younger than me. I am 24 and she is 22 in a couple of weeks. For us that is perfect. My rule was once I got to college I could not date below college again, which was not a problem as I met few high school girls after that point.
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years now, so I have not thought about it for a while.
For me, it’s less of the age difference and more where you are in life. For example, if you were a 25 year old who liked to party and drink and he was a 38 year old who liked to stay home, it might not work. But if you’re both down with the same type of lifestyle, then it doesn’t really matter, you know?
Though it is true that the older you get, the less the age gap matter.s
My limit is guys who have kids almost my age.
My 26 year old roommate is dating a guy who’s 46– and has a kid graduating from high school. If he had little kids, that’d be one things… but if the kid is closer to being your peer than the parent, that’s a problem for me.
Well, it definitely depends on the people involved. I’m dating a man 15 years younger than me – to the day actually, we share the same birthday! I admit I do think about retirement as it looms ever closer and what he’ll be doing – taking care of me – and my “cutoff date” for kids (probably within the next year or two), so there are definite angles you need to be very aware of. It’s a lot of fun and I’m enjoying the time I spend with him, but I’m not convinced it’s “the forever” relationship.
I’ve just turned 44 and my husband is 30 in May 😉 ’nuff said
It depends on the people. My limit is around 10 years. I’m 29 and married to a 31. Before my DH my last BF was 11 years and that was pushing it.
I think the biggest factor is having children. If you wait to have kids until your 30s, how old will your BF be and will he care?
One of my best friends is 30 dating a 50 year old. I think she’s nuts. He says he wants kids, but honestly I doubt it. Who wants to be 50+ chasing a toddler? Or he might be thinking retirement 55, but that’s not going to happen if she’s just starting to have kids. So much for having the 3-4 kids either.
That alone I think is a major factor.
But otherwise it depends on the couple.
I have always seemed to date younger than I am by at least one year. Then I fell in love and married a man 5 years younger than me. I love him but sometimes we have the “Where were you when the Challenger exploded?” conversation and he was a baby, while i was scarred for life by watching it explode live on Channel 1 TV at school with my classmates.
I’m 47 and my DH is 32 it works for us with no problems 🙂 but I also don’t look 47 so people assume i’m younger.
Amy: I love that formula LOL BF falls into that range then.
Little Fish: @ work 🙂
prettyface: You are TOTALLY scandalous!!! LOL
My husband is 28, and I’m 19. People hear this and freak out! But it just…works. He likes to say that he realized age didn’t matter when it occurred to him that if I were EXACTLY the same person, but 24 or 25 (rather than 17, which I was when we met) he would be falling all over himself to be with me, and it was just the age factor (and other people’s opinions about it) that was holding him back.
People who know us really don’t care about the age thing anymore (my parents got over it within about 5 minutes of meeting him), but it is always funny to see people doing the math.
I’m totally open to dating someone twice my age. I’m 25 and would probably date someone who was 50 if I had a string connection with him, and I have met a 50 year old like that in my life…he was married, however. yeah….scandelous.
But I agree that it’s different when someone is say…19 and their BF/GF is 20 years older. I just don’t think the right maturity level has been reached.
I myself, find older men more attractive overall. And by older, I mean 26 and above. I can’t seem to date anyone younger than me. I need that stability and experience in my partner. Not to say anyone younger than me DOESN’T have that, but in my experience it is the case. Great topic. I could probably go on forever.
My age limit was roughly 10 years. I didn’t want to 30 with a bunch of little kids and him be ready to retire. There are big age gaps among my older married relatives, ranging from 10-25 years, so it was ‘normal’ for me as a kid.
Mr. and I are about a year apart, but that’s because I met him in college, not because of conscious choice.
– Frugal Urbanite
When I was in my early 20s (say 20-22), I VERY casually dated a series of men in the 30-36 age range. So obviously a 15 year age range is something I was comfortable with (they always thought I acted like/looked like someone who was 26-27).
Now that I’m 25, would I still date someone 15 years older than me? Probably, though I can’t be certain.
Can I ask where you two met?
For me, it would all depend on the person. Like … George Eads from CSI … yeah, he's almost 20 years older than me … but if he came calling, I wouldn't ignore him! *snicker*
My man & I are 4 years apart, but he looks like he's the same age as me – and I even look younger than I really am. I never really had a problem with anyone having a problem with the age difference. Of course, his brother is a year older than me … so that's probably why his friends/family haven't had a problem.
I follow this formula: divide your age by 2 and add 7. That’s as young as you can go. I’m 27, so my cutoff for younger guys is 20/21. The opposite goes for older guys. Multiply your age by 2 and subtract 7…therefore I can date guys as old as 47 🙂
Actually, age difference matters big time around 60-70…
My grandmother married a man about 10 years older than her. The factory closed and so he took retirement early. He then spent most days downstairs playing various forms of solitaire. (Granted, he just had a personality wherein, when she asked why they never went to friends’ houses for cards etc anymore, he said, “Well, that was when we were dating!”)
Anyway his stenosis (back trouble in extreme) meant they had to move to Florida. They ended up in a retirement community. He fit in fine, at 65-70. She, on the other hand, was about 10 years younger than everyone else and very very out of place.
So I think there are a few points in life that it matters. On the other hand, once you get to certain points, it doesn’t matter. Like 20s to early 40s. And post 70…
I have been interested in a lot of guys older than me in the past. I ended up marrying a guy exactly my age. It’s actually kind of nice.
But I haven’t been averse to dating older guys. A few guys have been put off by age difference though. There was one guy I was very interested in. He looked in his 30s. He was in his 40s. He was interested but just felt too weird about dating someone in her 20s.
My only real problem with age difference like the one you’re in is that I would like to have a kid. And I’m already going to get a late start (esp for MY family) so to have a 45-50 year old guy chasing around after a toddler. Maybe it’s just prejudice. I know plenty of guys are active and fit. But energy does start to seriously decrease after a certain point, as I understand it.
My other problem with big age differences, come to think of it? My mom was 20 when she had me. So when I was interested in a guy, if he was more than 10 years older than me, he was closer in age to my mom than me. That just kept it kind of creepy.
I agree – when you’re younger, age matters more, but not so much once you’re past the 21 mark. My personal limit is 5 years – younger. I tend to like the young ones, so 23 is pushing it for me. If they’re still in undergrad. then hell no!