Stacking Pennies (SP) brings up a great post asking what you have received from your parents.
This is a really good post to make you think, not that it matters since parents have kids selflessly and don’t think about the money in the sense that they don’t keep a tab and ask for the money back that they spent raising you.
At least, that’s what I feel is right when I want to have kids.
Basically, ever since I turned 19, I stopped being able to lodge or stay rent-free at my parents.
Backing up a bit, they stopped gifts when I turned 10 (gifts at Christmas, my birthday, any event), which is fine because we’re not into gifts as a family, and I just grew up not expecting anything except “Happy Birthday.. How old are you again?”
They paid for most things in elementary school but I didn’t do much – it was a couple of outings here and there for $5 each. (Elementary was free).
They didn’t pay for Pizza & Milk Days, nor for purchasing books when the Book Fair came around (I loved to read) because they considered it to be a waste of money.
I could see that.
But I was the only kid left out in all that fun.. so I felt a bit resentful then.
Once I got a job in high school at 16 (high school was “free”), I started paying for my own clothes, entertainment, and school expenses (books, supplies) and transportation (including travelling overseas).
I only remember them paying for my flight once, when I travelled back to my grandmother’s funeral.
I didn’t travel much as a result.
They only covered food and shelter, rationalizing that I now had money from my part-time job and I could cover everything.
So that meant: No car, citizenship, passport, license or any other financial help once I turned 16. Not that I expected anything.
You’ve all heard this before, but they told me they’d cover my tuition, then when I went to University, I got nothing.
Note: It’s not the money that upsets me. I don’t want you to think that I expected them to pay for my tuition, but it’s the fact that they LIED to me about having saved money aside for me.
I’d rather they had not said anything about paying for it, and then surprised me when I graduated with money (if they had it) instead of building that lie up and then pretending they never promised me anything when I was younger.
Some commenters have tried to burn me on this asking me why I expected any money, and that my parents probably didn’t have the cash for it, but that’s all moot.
They lied.
Besides, they also had the money. They just lost it gambling and making poor choices.
Anyway.
Once I left at 19, I covered tuition, and all living expenses up until present day (hence the $60,000 debt) and when I went home briefly last year to my parents for a project, I paid rent ($600/month), food and I also have to help do chores around the house.
If I stay longer than 2 weeks, I have to pay rent.
I am also expected to treat them to dinners and when we go out to eat, I always have to pay. Unless my siblings are there, then another one might take the bill instead.
In addition, if a kettle breaks, or if they don’t have winter clothing, it is not expected that I pay for it, but my parents do hint with a tinge of guilt for good measure.
At least, my father does.
My mom doesn’t ever hint because she doesn’t want to burden anyone, I guess it’s why I’m more partial to buying things for her. She never asks, and I really feel bad when I see that she needs basic items like warm gloves or a hat.
Anyway, they’re really good at hinting, so good that I’ve taken to pre-empting them and I don’t put up a fight.
Lately, they were hinting for me to give them $2500/year for retirement and help pay $5000 for part of a new car.
I don’t respond to these particular comments or hints because it’s a LOT of money to be asking for when I was in heavy debt a while back and I was just starting out in my life so I felt really irritated.
It was as though they kicked me out on my butt, didn’t help me whatsoever financially, and now they’re turning around and asking me for money for their financial well being.
I wouldn’t ever say No, but I don’t think I’m going to give them ANY money for their retirement or for a new car because they can afford it and have an inflated sense of entitlement, being my parents.. and a selective memory about what they did for ME financially.
I’m not bitter towards them .. how can I be? They’re my parents! So don’t give me hater comments. I just try to avoid talking about money with them because it gets me riled up.
Hence the limited visits back home. Like once a year.
I am thinking of going back next time and staying with friends to avoid them just this once.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
A lot. My parents paid for my plastic surgery, braces and dental veneers, LASIK, I was given their old car, then when I wrecked it on a freak car accident they bought a new car, etc. I liked that they helped me but I was also an only child so your parents can do more for you. When I moved out on my own and had to earn everything on my own and I learned that it takes a lot of work.
I’m really thankful what my parents did for me. Btw, they also helped my cousins with their college education and dental payments. So its not just me that got the luck. I don’t think it made me spoiled just because my parents helped me. I’m thankful that I didn’t have to struggle that hard like my other friends did. I don’t accept anymore money for my parents except gifts for xmas and birthdays and I also gift them on their birthdays and on xmas.
I had problems with my parents like other kids did. I patched things up with them because overall they really were great parents. Parents make mistakes they’re not perfect. My relationship with my mom was particularly challenging but we have patched things up. I think most peoples relationship with their parents get better as they get older and move out on their own.
WOW!
My parents paid for braces but that was it.
How do you like LASIK? I’m curious about it because I want to get it but I’m so nervous about the whole surgery…
Your parents sound.. SO wonderful. They’re kind, generous and they raised a great daughter from what I can read from your comments 🙂
I became more at peace with my parents when I left and after I came back. Thank goodness.
Have been reading your blog for a few hours now, lots of good stuff you have here. I think that when our parents promise us something, whether big or small. We expect it. It's only normal and natural.
What is interesting to me about your story, is that after everything – you have your parents to thank for who you are today. The good the bad and the ugly, which probably makes you resent them even more. LOL.
1. You're debt free which is a MAJOR accomplishment and something that many (young and old) can't seem to do.
2. You appreciate money
3. You're a saver
4. You have (what seems) to be a fairly good annual income
5. Your net worth is great
6. You have a fabulous blog which entertains (and educates) others on the topic of personal finance
I too have an interesting relationship with money and my parents no doubt have shaped my views and choices on the matter. Just as yours have.
Will write an article on my blog sharing the tale, this will most likely be a long article.
p.s. Am following you on Twitter and am really glad to have found your lovely site.
Cheers,
Danny
The Frugal Quack
You have left one of the nicest comments I have ever read 🙂 Thank you!!
I definitely attribute what I had to \”go through\” even if it doesn\’t seem like a big deal to others, or that I\’m being a whiner, to my parents.
Without them and the way they raised me, I couldn\’t have learned all of the above lessons you\’ve so neatly laid out.
Thank you again!
(My annual income is a freelancing income. I can go for months without working too, so it all evens out. I just don\’t spend a lot of money to counteract it.)
wow…that is completely different than I what I experienced growing up. My parents (especially my mom) always instilled the basic personal finance stuff about only buying what you can afford and learning the value of a dollar, but after reading your post, I feel like I was totally spoiled growing up. One of my college friends had to pay her own way even though her dad said he was going to pay for it and then never did. She said the exact same things you did about that situation.
Have you thought about what you’ll give your kids (assuming you want and will have kids)?
A lot of people seem shocked by this post but I can relate to it all. Except I was expected to pay rent when I got my first job at 14 so I moved out and rented rooms places.
This is an interesting post and interesting answers. Money and parents are a sticky subject!
I think it’s a cultural thing when parents ask their kids for “monthly” money. I know because my dad asked me about it.
I guess it sort of makes sense since I am living at home and have a 9-5 job and my mum does my washing and cooking.
Also with paying at the restaurant, I only pay if I am the one who asked my family out which is usually like my mum’s birthday, mother’s day or my dad is going away for work. Otherwise, we rarely eat out because my parents ONLY want chinese restaurants which me and my sisters don’t like.
my dad has also brought it up (in a joking manner now- might change in the future!) that when he gets old, we would have to support him and give him and my mum money. It’s weird because they have their superannuation (retirement money) and a pension.
A friend of mines said her sister who now lives away from home gives her mum money as a way of ‘thanks for raising me’. For me I’d rather do other meaningful things with my parents as way of thanks. Not that I am cheap…
With growing up, my parents were really nice and made sure we had everything we needed for school etc. Only in uni that I started working (18yrs- old compared to those who worked at 15!) because I had a lot more free time. Some of my friends have not worked a day even when they have uni 3 days a week not including the weekends. Their parents gave them money- lucky!!
We also don’t do birthday presents just a nice homecooked meals with all our favourites. I think that’s the best present tho 🙂
But overall, they have been lovely and gave us things we wanted (within reason) and made sure we had an education so I am grateful to them. They are afterall, family 🙂
Wow! I can’t believe they stopped gifting at ten – that’s around the time kids start seriously wanting “things.” At first I figured they must have been broke but reading the above comment about the 100k makes me sad.
I’m glad you’ll be striving to be a better mom 🙂
Wow. I have not come across responses like this in a while. It has given me quite a lot to think about. And while I have known I had generous parents, I have felt like I was making excuses for them when there were experiences in people’s youths they have shared with me that I had to admit my parents couldn’t afford to give me and my brother.
I actually had to tell my parents to stop sending me money for this and that little thing after I got my job after college because I knew I was making more than them. I am a guest when I stay with my parents, and while I pay for a nice meal out for us, they won’t let me pay for groceries. Same as when they come stay with me. I received an allowance growing up that I did earn with chores such as cooking for the family, cleaning the house, and taking care of my mother after her back surgeries. They bought my clothes for school, but we went to places like the thrift store and JC Pennys sales racks. I went on some of the class trips, but not all of them.
My parents did pay for college, but I had scholarships and part time jobs as well as went to a pretty cheap state school, so it was mainly food and rent they paid. I went home on breaks because I didn’t have enough money to go to the beach or where ever others were going. They still spend too much money on Christmas gifts, though my brother and I are trying to wean them off of that.
I do know that I will be taking care of them within the next ten years as their money is in the market and it is running out. But I don’t mind. They supported me well. And I am already saving up for it. Though they don’t know that yet.
I love this post idea because the feedback people must share is fascinating. I didn’t get a lot of financial support from my family during school, especially high school and beyond so I’m more than comfortable taking hand outs now.
The more and more I read, the more and more I said “WTF?”
It really sucks that your family stopped giving you gifts at such an early age – that must’ve sucked for a 10 year old!
But I guess we can’t dwell on the past for it no longer it exists.
What does exist is a person who, through the actions of her parents, has become a very responsible and self-sufficient individual.
I enjoy your blog; keep it up.
Despite the rough relationship my parents and I have, I know that I can always go to my father and borrow money if I need to. That said, he tallies it and expects it back within a certain period of time. In dealing with my father, I’ve learned it’s best not to tell him a specific time you expect it should be paid back, because he expects it then, no exceptions. He’s really big into keeping your word and so forth.
Sometimes I feel frustrated with my parents because while they expect me to pay back any monies owed, my siblings seem to take and take and never give back. In fact, my parents use me as their complaining board for this, so I hear about it all the time. But, in all honesty, I prefer it the way it is. I’d rather have to pay it back because then it’s a loan as opposed to a handout. I just wish they were a little more responsible about it when it comes to my siblings…for their own good.
Emotionally speaking, my parents aren’t really there for me. But, what they lack in emotional support, they’ve made up for in financial support. It’s a little sad, but it works for our relationship.
Kristy
http://www.masteryourcard.com/blog
My parents also told me they would pay for college, then when I was accepted to university they said they weren’t paying.
But you promised!
No, we didn’t, and if we did we don’t mean it now.
Compromise: they agreed to pay for the first semester to give me time to figure out loans. Then they ended up paying for most of summer school. My mom sent me a few hundred bucks on the side.
Once I moved out they took me off their car insurance, which was the only thing they paid for besides room/board at home.
I graduated with $15,000 student loan debt and $12,000 credit debt. Paying that off on my own taught me a valuable lesson at an earlier age than I would have learned if they had paid for college entirely. I am grateful for what they gave me and grateful for what they didn’t give me because I am a better person for it. In most cases I think that parents who pay for everything do their kids a disservice. My mother still gives my sister money every month and my sister is 36, she’s never been on her own. Who wants to still be a child at that age?
Maybe your parents need some financial tough love of the type they gave you, especially since they make enough money to be in good shape if they were more careful with it.
My family hasn’t been very well off since I was a small child, and I have a fairly large family (6 kids). My parents don’t have a lot of extra money, but they’ve always done whatever they can to help me and vice versa. They’ve always made sure us kids could play sports, go on field trips, or I could have the text books for my advanced science courses in high school.
My parents expected me to get a job as soon as I was legally eligible to work. I had to pay for my car insurance (but they did let me borrow their car frequently though), a portion of the family cell phone bill, and for any extras I wanted. They made sure I had clothes and food, but if I wanted something other than what they provided I had to buy it myself. They tried teaching me the value of a dollar (they didn’t, however, teach me budgeting, but you can’t win them all). I’m very appreciative of that.
Parents are like shoe sizes, poker hands and seats on the bus. You make due with whatever you end up with.
While how your folks raise you, how you raise your own kids is more subjective.
I’m probably somewhat neurotic given the fact that I’m 26 and as far away from having kids as is humanly possible, but I can’t shake the believe that the day I have a child, my life no longer belongs to me. My entire existence is justified by the life and opportunities I could provide for my kids.
Maybe it’s chauvinist, maybe it’s flat-earth thinking, but that’s just the way I am. If I knew for a fact that kids weren’t in my future I wouldn’t even be in the city. But as the domestic status quo of 2.2 rug rats is the betting man’s choice given the odds of middle-class existence, I err on the side of caution and build the bank account for the eventual juniors.
Great blog
Thanks for the link! And for bring the question to all your readers!
Everyone’s answers are wildly varying, huh?!? Love this!
I’m really glad you were open and honest. I completely understand you are being straightforward and I really value your blog because you make me try harder at not wasting money.
I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more giving, not just about money but with love and support. I undersatnd they or rather your father gambled it away. Given he got lucky ref adoption and continued to try and get lucky with casinos, perhaps you can see his hinting is about trying to get lucky. Perhaps you need to be direct and when he makes a hint say ‘no such luck’ and leave it at that. You can’t take on his choices as your responsibility you need to look after yourself. Now I understood why your mum didn’t have gloves.
Honestly my parents always say never worry or get upset about money because it is just money. They’ve always been generous and so am I to my children but it is striking a balance between valuing and generosity.
You deserve all the luck and money you get.
My parents are working class. They didn’t get to go to high school, because they had to work at a very young age. So education was very important to them. They sent me to parochial grammar school (2k a year approx). I always got red envelopes (cash) at new year’s and on my birthday. I started working summer jobs at 15 and used money from that for most of my expenses. My parents did give me money to get to and from high school. When I moved out of town for college, I took out loans to pay for stuff, but my parents would give me a couple hundred here and there when they visited.
I think my parents had kids for different reasons. My mom wanted children to enrich her life. She taught me to sew and knit, how to treat people right. My dad wanted children to take care of him in his old age and never really made an effort to get close to his kids ( I really do not believe this is a cultural thing, because my mother’s brothers are very close to their kids). I took a year off after school to be a caretaker for my mom. After she died, it was really hard for me to find work as I had a large gap in my employment history. I had some savings to live off of, but my dad didn’t believe in helping me financially as I was “grown” and out of college. Also the red envelopes stopped, even though according to Chinese tradition, I”m still supposed to receive them to have prosperity in the new year (really it is the gesture that counts). I recently found a steady job that I love, but doesn’t pay much. I give him $100 each month although with Lunar New Year last month, I gave him $300.
I was very bitter about my dad cutting me off especially after such a traumatic event of losing my mom. But now after healing and mourning, I realize he only treats me this way, because no one helped him out either growing up and his parents wanted him to be their cash cow, too. I am still a little bitter, because he does give money and pay for stuff for my other sister who is only a year younger (I feel he should treat us the same, she’s not a kid either). I am really inspired by how mature you are. You shouldn’t let your parents guilt trip you. Yeah you should support them in their retirement age, but for a comfortable lifestyle, not a lavish one.
help me understand why you are stil lgiving your dad $100 a month?
I tried posting yesterday, but I guess it didn’t come through. I’ll keep this one short.
My parents allowed me to live at home and not pay for room and board throughout college. Once I was out of school, I was expected to either get a job, or go to grad school. But since grad school was away from home, it was that time that I began to get major student loans. I’ve gotten them for two degrees now, and began paying on them 2 years ago.
As far as gifts, etc., my parents still get me some sort of nice Christmas present, and when I visit, if we go out to dinner, they’ll pay. Same with going to the movies. I’m very lucky to have had the parents I do, and I’m thankful for them.
Wow! Darlin, I’m shocked. But I know what you’re talking about when you said you became a mini adult at 10, because that’s the way my Mom treated me. Her and my Dad are divorced and she had custody, and I just don’t think she’s given a shit about me since she got together with her boyfriend when I was 12. She’s helped me when I’ve been in major pinches, but gives me little of the basic love and support that really matters. When I moved into my first apartment, she came over, not to help me out, but to collect my keys to her house, because I guess she was afraid I would just come over whenever I wanted.
Yeah.
If you ever need support in the less-than-ideal parents area, email me. I’m an expert!
Oops. Forgot something else.
And my dad gets another $60k in a side job, so that’s.. over $100k/year that they pull in.
Oh and my parents are not poor.
My mom makes $90k+ a year, and my dad works part-time at minimum wage, but they don’t spend much at all, and my oldest brother feels he has to pay for everything and feels resentful.
But my parents basically act like full-time nannies to his kids (literally), so I think that it’s only fair that he pays for everything – like car insurance, car, food.. etc.
I should note that if you read about my odd middle-class existence, you’ll know the whole story about why my parents weren’t poor to begin with and why they could have done so much better financially.
L.L.: Yup $600 a month and I wasn’t there from Friday to Sunday because I was in Montreal with BF.
So really, it was $600 for 2/3 of a month.
You’re all shocked at the situation, but it’s because you’re so lucky to have such awesome parents 🙂
I don’t want to paint them in such a cruel light, but it’s just the truth and I can’t figure out any other way to write about it.
They also never came to my school plays, orchestra competitions, choir competitions, parent-teacher days..
It was like I turned into a mini adult at the age of 10.
They also never helped me move, find apartments, teach me basic skills of survival (except cooking and cleaning), and it’s all quite sad now that I think about it.
Which has its positive side — I am who I am today because of that. But now I can feel a fight brewing about the car and retirement fund because I am just starting out myself at 25, and they want me to support them? It’s the way I feel.
Revanche is a saint for doing it in real life by the way. But she has no choice.
The other good news is that I never want to become like them, as a parent. I’ll never tell my kids I have money saved aside unless I do, or unless I want to gift them at graduation and I am going to make sure they know how to do a budget, etc.
Thanks for all the comments, keep them coming. I am loving all the things that your parents did for you — making notes about some things I want to do for my future kids!! 🙂
I’m incredibly lucky that my parents have been so suportive to me. They paid for me to go to university and I didn’t have to work during termtime. Although I had to get a job during vacation periods, I lived rent free at home so I had an excellent deal. In addition to that, when I stupidly got myself into almost £6000 worth of debt (credit cards and overdraft)they bailed me out by paying them off. It was, not surprisingly, an extremely difficult time because I had betrayed their trust and disappointed them hugely, but I am unbelievably lucky that they stepped in, and that they were able to do so. My only regret is that I didn’t learn my lesson enough and appreciate their generosity enough, and now find myself with £3236.13 of debt. I am not going to ask them to help me again- this is my fault and I will fix it.
My parents did not bring me up to think credit cards etc were ok, far from it. But I have a mindset of ‘see, want, buy’ and my own irresponsibility has encouraged that. So, in short, I think my parents tried to lay good foundations but I screwed it up myself.
FB, first of all I must say, your story moved me a lot and I even am in kind of a shock right now reading it…
Well, my mom raised me and my brother alone, (that was her decision) without any financial help from my father, who is an alcoholic freelancer… She worked a lot to offer us everything, what the other kids had, and that she did until we went to the university and even now, she always is worrying about me and asking, if she could help somehow :))) But I do not for a long time anymore.
And I try to raise my kid also like that: he must get know the value of money and that he will have to work in summer holidays and earn his own money, but I think PARENTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO PAY BASIC COSTS FOR THEIR CHILDREN, UNTIL THEY ARE GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL AND LEAST PARTLY PAY UNIVERSITY FEE LATER… I am eager to hear, what the others will comment.
You paid your parents 600/month rent?! That’s SO WRONG unless you get a whole house to yourself and they don’t live there!! There’s no way taking you in can cost them that much!
But, to answer the question, my parents and grandparents put a lot of money away for us and it went almost entirely to school, save for whatever was left after. I used that to furnish my first apartment.
To this day, my Dad is my main supplier of Kleenex, toilet paper, paper towels, soap and toothpaste. I have no idea why, but he buys it every time he goes out. It’s like war rations or something! Whenever I go over there, he sends me home with a big bag of stuff. He’s the best Dad ever.
I know exactly how you feel about the tuition.
I had a similar situation (although not as serious as college tuition – it involved a car). my Dad had given my brother a car for his 17th birthday (he is about 18 months older than me) and said he would do the same for my 17th. I expected it would be 2nd hand and was more than happy with that.
He didn’t buy me a car for my 17th, but then said he would buy me a new car for my 18th. He lived interstate and a week before my 18th birthday said he was driving up with a surprise …. the surprise was he had bought himself a porsche!!!
He never did give me a car. Like you, I didn’t expect it, it was the fact he said he would that got to me (and the buying himself a porsche didn’t make matters better!)
You make me feel like a spoiled brat. 🙂
My parents have always paid for stuff, even now. Including clothes, trips, and designer purses.
My parents did make me buy my own first car, but they drove me back and forth to work until I could buy my own car. So it wasn’t really a big deal. They ended up just buying my little sisters their own cars though. I guess they got sick of chauffering?
Even now, I’m twenty and married. But my parent’s still pay all our bills. Only as long as we’re in school though. Plus, my husband and I both have 130% scholarships. So it’s pretty awesome.
I’m not a brat though. I was kind of an idiot and spent way too much money. But now, I have gotten myself out of debt and we are actually about to move and buy our own house. I try hard at school, and have always been really well behaved. If I wasn’t I definatly wouldn’t have the life I have now. I always follow the rules, and I have always done what my parents asked.
One time my dad told me that the reason they bought me so much was so that I would want to try harder in life and succeed. At the time I thought they were crazy. Why would they raise me with a shopping problem to help me? Sounds dumb right? But it has helped. I know I have so succeed, and I have to try hard at school so that I can earn lots of money. 🙂 I want to be able to maintain my quality of life. Even improve it if possible.
When I have kids, I hope I can give them everything my parents have given me. I love my parent’s so much. We are really close. Oh, in case you care… I have four little sisters as well. We are all treated the same. My dad owns an advertising agency, and my grandfather is an investment broker.
This is the longest comment I have ever left. I just wanted to share. 🙂
My parents made us fill out check registers to account for the money we got babysitting and whatnot. I didn’t have college paid for, which is why I’m going now, and in such a manner that I can pay my tuition outright. My parents don’t loan money, but they will buy things like the cast iron set I was given when I moved into my new place. They don’t believe in giving away money, so they get me the stuff I need so I can spend money on groceries, gas, tuition, and my life in general
First and foremost: Hello!
I absolutely love your blog. I came across it while researching ideas to decorate my bedroom.
About this particular post, I feel where you’re coming from. I can relate to what you went through while growing up: missing out on activities in school that required money and the lack of help when it came to costly college expenses, just to name a couple.
I am currently 24 years old, and I have been on my own since I turned 18. It has been so hard for me to complete school, because pesky little details-that some of my contemporaries take for granted- like the need for food and shelter keep getting in the way. I have to support myself and I am actually expected to HELP my parents.
It’s not that we were dirt poor, lived in the projects or anything like that. But growing up I always complained about not taking vacations and only having a $100 budget to buy clothes at the beginning of the school year, while my friends always went off somewhere nice in the summer and were always sporting the lates trends.
I keep in touch with one of said friends long after we graduated High School and went our separate ways. She just finished medical school and has never had a job. Her parents have paid her way, and even covered expenses such as a car and a maid, which are luxuries considering she went to school in the DR (Dominican Republic). They also covered all her other expenses and trips back to the states to visit the family. Now mind you, “M’s” family is middle class, just like mine. So I couldn’t help but compare my situation to hers. I felt a bit jealous of my friend… I am human after all. I knew my parents could afford to do all that for me as well, and always asked myself why they didn’t.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, my friend is back in NYC. During a phone conversation with “M”, my point of view drastically changed. She was complaining about the cell phone her parents had gotten her. She was not happy about the “crappy” basic phone that lacked nice features, and about her limited minutes and inability to text. I asked her why she didn’t get another one, and her reply was that her parents had added her to their plan and she didn’t have to pay. So, I suggested she could get a part time job while she went to school to prepare for the USMLE(The United States Medical Licensing Examination).
She laughed at my advise and said that she was going to take advantage of her parents for as long as she could. I was baffled by her shameless remark, because I couldn’t understand why she would have such as selfish attitude towards her own blood.
Her ungratefulness made me realize that I am an independent person that stands on her own two feet and does not have to be at the mercy of anyone, not even her parents. I understand the concept of hard work and sacrifice, and I have no one else to thank except my “cheap” parents.
I am so thankful to them for having prepared me for the real world and their frugality has rubbed off on me.
My parents came from a modest background, but through hard work, frugal living and smart choices, they built an egg nest, which they’re enjoying today. My Dad is 55 and my Mom is 45 and unlike “M’s” parents, they are already retired. They moved to their native Domincan Republic, and not only do they live in paradise, they own their home and a building (which are both paid off) and live off the rents of the apartments and their savings. I am actually very proud of them.
Apparently, you have also done well for yourself. I am sure the way you grew up had a lot to do with your attitude towards money and hard work. I want to be like you when I grow up and (finally) finish college. =)
My mom has been a big help, even though she may not have had a lot of money to give.
My mom loaned us a couple thousand dollars once — which we repaid without any problems. That was a big help at the time.
She’s also been, imho, overly generous around the holidays, birthdays, etc. Nothing like G’s parents, but she’s given more than she probably should have. And when I was living in a dorm in college she would slip me some “lunch”/”gas” money whenever I came home. She also bought me my first car (used, but it looked nice) and paid the gas and insurance for a while, too, before I got married.
Most of all, though, she instilled in us good ethics and morals, and made sure that we paid attention to our studies even though she couldn’t pay for college. And she’s always been there for us. We know we always have a room or couch in her house if we need it. She has a pretty open door policy. She has even taken in strangers to help them out, but then she’s never been one to turn away people when they’re in need.
For the most part, I cannot complain about my parents’ financial help, aside from the fact that they, too, lied to me about college. I don’t think it was intentional, but when I was accepted into Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc., with no financial aid, they panicked and backed out. So, instead, I wound up attending the most expensive school in the country… because they offered me a huge academic scholarship, an athletic scholarship, and a music scholarship. The one summer I returned home between my 1st and 2nd years of college, I had to pay rent.
My parents paid for necessary things through my high school graduation, though never for anything just with friends, like a senior week (so I didn’t attend), but for family vacations, they would pay for me to go. Once I started college, I was on my own, though they do still gift for holidays and birthdays, though nothing extravagant.
I am the only person in my Ph.D. program that is completely financially independent — we get paid a stipend below the cost of living, so everyone else gets parental assistance, be in that they pay the rent, or just write a check for $500/month for anything. At 25, I definitely would NOT want to be relying on my parents for financial support!
The one thing they did that shocked me was contribute a HUGE amount for my wedding, though they did this because they wanted to invite all of their friends. Had I paid for the wedding, I would not have invited 50 of their fraternity/sorority friends who I don’t know, so they were well aware that if they wanted to control the guest list, they would have to be paying for all the people they wanted to invite that did not mean anything to me!
Wow. Harsh. At least in my opinion. My parents are pretty much the opposite. My mother paid for pizza days when we were in elementary school just so she didn’t have to pack lunch since our school didn’t have a cafeteria. She also let me buy one book at book fairs, I’ve always been a big reader and she liked to reward that behavior in hopes that I was learning. To her, words and grammar mean everything. When my father sold his company he set aside a college fund for both me and my bro, but the stock market fell and he lost it while we were in high school. So my parents paid for our undergrads out of their pocket. Neither of them went to college, but knew education was important so they strongly encouraged us to go. We were also the only two grandchildren on either side of the family who ever went to college and graduated. They didn’t however spoil us with whatever we wanted. We had a car to drive, but only to school and back. We had to permission and work to take it to go out during the weekends. In college, I had a $100/month allowance. If I wanted more I had to get a job. My brother didn’t have an allowance because he partied all the time so they forced him to get a job to be responsible. I was involved in college activities that required me to travel so $100 lasted pretty much all month since all I did was study, practice, and travel. The reason I’m in debt now is because I went to film school after my undergrad to gain more experience. I went and studied in Vancouver, BC. I pulled out 30k which quickly excalated to 35k the year after that when I had to pay it back.
When I moved to Vegas I only had 2k to live off of. My father loaded up his truck and spare car, which they loaned me for a year until I could ‘afford’ to get one of my own, and paid for the move. He paid for everything the whole 10 days he spend with me and then drove back by himself. I’ll never forget that. I intend to pay them back someday. He says not worry about it. Last year, I wasn’t ready to buy my car, but gas prices rose and my dad severely needed the car back. I couldn’t say no; it’s not mine, but I wouldn’t have gotten by without it the first year I was here.
I’m VERY thankful for what my parents have done for me. My brother is too. My brother and I both live frugally and live with only a few luxuries. If our parents ever visit us they stay with us. We cook them meals since we’re both awesome chefs and neither of them like the kitchen. When we’re home if they need something done or fixed we’re both accomplishing the task. Without them, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I wholeheartedly believe that.
Seeing all that in one place in black and white almost makes your parents seem cruel. I figure I was spoiled in some departments, but your case seems very strict. Not even help pay for your citizenship as a teenager? Damn.
I may have missed this is previous posts, but were/are your parents hard up for money? It is great that you are self sufficient. I suppose that is the best thing to have come out of your experiences. Does it seem to you that they are trying to recoup their investment (paying for your room/board as a kid) now that you are a successful adult? Their behavior seems so cold. Aside from the tuition issue (I appreciate your feeling on that), how do you feel about their handling of you and money? Are they trying to keep you at arm distance? Do they think you would take advantage of them if they let you (thus they have the rent after 2wks. policy)?
Huh, your parents stopped Christmas presents at ten, too? Mine stopped celebrating entirely at that age. I was so sad, and kept trying to resurrect it for so many years; I finally gave up around 21.
*shrug* I think my parents intended to pay for school and stuff for me, but things just didn’t work out that way, so I stopped getting any financial support around 17.
I’m still bitter about what my (divorced) parents have (not) given me. I’ll probably blog about it sometime for my Keeping it real series.
Wow. That kind of shocks me because my parents had such a different take on everything.
Well, my entire life it was always expected that I would go to college. And since my parents expected it of me, I expected them to pay for it – so long as I held up my end of the deal and passed all my classes. The state subsidized a good majority of my education through a lottery-funded scholarship program, but my parents covered the rest, as well as my room and board while I was there.
They paid for me to go on two study abroad trips while in school because they wanted me to have that opportunity and they figured I would never be able to go for as cheap as I would as a student.
I’ve had jobs since I was 15 so I do pay for most of my entertainment and such. But my mother still buys me more expensive clothes and things that I would be hard-pressed to afford on my own.
Also, she did not want me to work while in college because I was to be focusing on my studies. So she gave me a monthly allowance.
After graduating (debt-free), I moved back home for free rent and food for a few months waiting for law school to start. I work Monday-Friday at a restaurant and pay for my own things. But when I start law school in the fall I expect my parents will take care of me again since I will be focused 100% on school. When I graduate and get a full-time job is when I expect to be fully independent of my parents.
Honestly, my view is that if your parents are still claiming you as dependent, they should not be expecting such things from you (like rent). Now I know everyone’s parents can’t afford to fully support their children like mine, but still they shouldn’t lay so much of the burden on their children if they expect them to get a higher education.