This is a response to LAL’s “Rags to Riches”, because I thoroughly enjoyed reading LAL’s post on “Rags to Riches”, and I think that every one of you should read it as well.
It is really incredible hearing the story of how she grew up told in such a frank matter-of-fact manner.
My grandparents helped us out a lot non-financially by watching me while my mom worked. She basically came home ate dinner, and then worked at home.
My grandparents lived in a shack.
I know many people think I’m joking, but I bathed in a tub where you boiled water and poured it in, used an outhouse, and there was two bedrooms. My grandparents did not own this place either.
Still it was an upgrade from my great-grandmothers house where the bathhouse was outside and we used wood to boil the water for the bath.
Anyway I had no idea this was “poor” until I got older and realize people normally don’t live like this.
Honestly I thought it normal.
She wrote it in a response to the ripple that’s been going through the PF blogosphere where Meg from World of Wealth (FB Read: I just interviewed her recently), came out of the closet (so to speak) and admitted that she comes from family money.
We’re talking not having to worry about bills or where her next meal came from, and basically living a comfortable life that was relatively stress free, financially speaking.
I’ve been following Meg’s blog for a long time now, and what Meg has admitted to has really started to generate a lot of great discussion about how growing up wealthy or poor has affected you and what financial decisions you make in life.
I agree with LAL that it’s really personality and attitude that is what separates you from within your own socioeconomic class. There are lazy people in ALL levels of society, and there are hardworking people who save and are smart about their money in all levels as well.
As for my story, compared to LAL, I cannot consider myself poor at all. Unless of course, I count on the fact that I can never go to my parents for money because they just simply don’t have it. If we’re using that as a yardstick of what class I fall under, that’d be it.
But I grew up in an upper to lower middle class, I’d say. I was upper middle class for the first part of my life, and then lower middle class later on. But feel free to correct me. I don’t even know what the levels are.
For the first 10 years of my life I lived in a totally different country, so keep that in mind as you’re reading this.
Both of my parents worked full-time at fairly good jobs, and I feel that we had a upper middle class existence at that time because we all went to private schools and had lots of activities to go to. Plus, my mom was always shopping with my aunt (we had no idea what credit cards were by the way, so it wasn’t all on credit).
Each of my siblings and I were enrolled in music lessons, foreign language lessons and either ballet or karate lessons, as well as private tutoring sessions in math, science and English.
We also went on 2 family vacations a year, mostly to the U.S., and I remember seeing almost all of the States before I turned 9.
We also had servants around the house, although not as much as other families we knew so we could be considered mid-middle class?? I am told we had an au pair while growing up, but I don’t remember her, or have any pictures of me with her and a servant to do some cleaning part-time. Other families had people to cook, clean, do the gardening, drive them, take care of the kids….etc, etc.
My mom eventually got rid of all the servants once I was old enough to go to kindergarten and handled the rest because she felt uncomfortable having strangers in the house, and having people work for us. The reason why she felt uncomfortable was because of her upbringing.
My grandmother took care of me once I turned 5, and I attended a private kindergarten near her apartment.
My parents both grew up in very poor existences during the War, much like what LAL is describing, but the difference was that each of my parents came from households that had 10-18 kids, each.
So we’re talking about a total of 36 aunts and uncles here.
They lived in haunted houses, empty shacks, anywhere they could find shelter.
They scrounged for food on the ground that people threw away after eating, they stole fruit from trees of their neighbours and they were pitifully thin in all of the pictures I’ve ever seen. They ate lots of rice covered in lard for some calories, or drank soup made from bones because they just simply didn’t have the money for any food.
They drank that yellow powdered milk from large bags and my mom just recently realized that she was considered to be one of the starving poor as a child because she recognized the bags of milk UN was dropping off. It was the same milk she drank as a child.
As for my father, he was adopted into a richer family that needed an heir and his life improved after he turned 15, so that may have changed his outlook on life and his work ethic.
Like LAL’s mother, by pure luck, my father had won a large sum of money. We’re talking over half a million in a lump sum.
Anyway, we then decided to take the chance to leave the country, and move to Canada. Once we moved, my father basically stopped working, since he had all this money in the bank.
He worked part-time for minimum wage at a local grocery store, and my mother entered University to pursue a different career, which my father paid for in full.
We stopped going on vacations as a family, and stopped going to private schools and lessons (we only kept up on music lessons), and we were on our own for tutoring or learning.
My siblings started taking care of me. Teaching me how to cook, do my own laundry. All when I turned 10, because we did what we had to do, since my parents seemed to have mentally checked out.
My mom was super busy with University, then running home and trying to take care of us for an hour or not seeing us at all during the week. My father was working part-time but spending most of his time in gambling houses or “out”.
We just took care of ourselves and that kind of independence is something I really cherish because I was very well prepared for University, having known how to do everything to survive on my own.
After my mom finally graduated, she dropped into a deep depression because she couldn’t find a job, as she was over qualified for any position now with two University degrees.
Looking back, I’m a bit sad and angry that my father wasted all that money.
At least, I feel like he wasted it but you may have other opinions.
He could have at least worked full-time at the minimum wage place, and we didn’t have to buy such a large house, or a luxury car to drive around in. It was a waste of money considering that he wasn’t earning a good income to begin with.
On top of that, he thought he could strike it rich with playing the stock market, and gambling at casinos.
My dad was always looking for the quick fix, and the casinos were the answer because he had won so much at one before that he thought he could do it again.
In addition to that, with my mother in a deep depression the only thing that could lift both of my parents’ spirits was gambling. So that’s what they did for 10 years. I used to come home from school, and see my parents excitedly packing some quick things to get in the car to drive to the casino to gamble.
I remembered feeling sad and kind of feeling like I was the parent sometimes.
I kept telling them that I didn’t like them being away at night, or gambling so much, but they said that it could be their lucky night tonight, and I had homework and was a big girl, wasn’t I?
In the end, they gambled away my and my sibling’s tuitions, and when it came time to go to University, they ignored the question and pretended they never promised me anything.
I’m a bit bitter over that, because I had worked extra hard to make sure I got scholarships and bursaries, but I needed money to cover the rest which I expected to get from my parents.
So I got into $60,000 worth of student debt to get my degree. And it’s why I don’t feel such a huge obligation to my parents, because they lied when I needed them the most.
It wasn’t even so much the money that bothered me.
I’d have preferred if they sat me down, told me they didn’t have money saved to send me to school, and told me I had to work my ass off to get anything in life now. I would have respected them more if they had told me that before lying to my face as a kid.
It’s something I’ll never do to my children in regards to their tuition. I’m going to always tell them the truth about finances because kids worry when they don’t know what’s going on, and if you promise them the moon then say “JUST KIDDING!”, they’ll still feel hurt and resentful for a long time to come, the way I feel now.
And on top of that, I went into the world without understanding anything about budgeting or personal finance. Because my parents simply didn’t know, and they never told me or taught me anything about money. They just weren’t open with me, and I paid for that lack of knowledge by racking up all that debt when I could’ve been saving when I was younger, and being more frugal at school.
It’s partly why I became so interested in money after I graduated with $60,000 in debt.
I realized that I had to pay back all this money, and I’d be damned if I spent the next 10 years doing it. I also never, ever wanted to end up like my parents – relying on luck to get them through and then squandering it because they weren’t responsible.
That’s another thing I’m going to teach my kids all about – credit and personal finance.
It’s weird but I also remember my father being really frugal. He kept trying to get us to turn off lights, or stop using so much heat and water. I don’t think we ever used credit cards or kept a balance.
Once my mom got a job (finally!) she used credit cards unwisely and racked up $16,000 in debt in which she finally realized that the minimum payment barely even covered the interest. She had no idea about money and how to use credit wisely.
Still, after learning that what she was paying was not enough to clear the balance, she cut up the cards on her own, paid it off in a year and vowed to never use credit again.
Anyway, after I left at the age of 19 to go to University, I left for good. I never moved back in with my parents again, except for a short project that I had for 5 months, and from there, the rest is history.
I paid off my debt in full in less than a year and a half (I’m counting it from when I started caring about my debt), and budgeted and saved my way to what I have today.
I know that we were lucky to never have to worry about food, or the house being taken away, or not being able to pay the utility bills.
My parents did the best they could on the knowledge that they had. I know that but it’s just that hindsight is so clear, that it makes me mad that they didn’t save for retirement or bother to learn about their money to pass on those values to their kids.
It’s why my siblings and I are so weird with money. My siblings cannot make enough of it, and we’re all squirreling it away like there’s no tomorrow. It’s why we pushed ourselves so hard in school when our parents told us to relax and take it easy.
I think, even without telling us about the financial situation they were in, we knew that the life we had lived before was not realistic or sustainable (we learned that after graduating University). And we also developed a strong aversion to gambling.
So that’s my version of my odd middle-class existence. In the end, I’m lucky in that all the challenges we went through because without them, I couldn’t have learned all that I know today, or like I said on Meg’s blog, realized that I was able to do anything if I put my mind to it, like dig myself out of seemingly endless debt.
It’s just never too late to learn about your money, and the sooner you budget and track your expenses, the better!
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
Thank you. Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope.
Thank you. I love hearing that. I hope my blog helps you out — let me know if I can do anything (just contact me).
Unlike most people here, I totally sympathize with still being upset at your parents. Most people can’t comprehend that some things are hard to get over when it comes from your parents, sometimes it’s even unforgivable. I wrote a bit about my own upbringing inspired by Meg and LAL and all the others, but I tried really hard to leave out all the drama. It’s not completely relevant to the financial aspect and I just didn’t want to bring up bad feelings. One of the things I left out is that I don’t even talk to my dad anymore, so I completely sympathize with people not understanding. It’s hard to be at odds with your parents, and it can put siblings and other relatives in difficult positions too. It’s definitely better to just reconcile, but it’s really hard to do that when they don’t even acknowledge that they’ve done something wrong.
Everyone: It is kind of a fantastical story, but certainly no where as compelling as LAL’s..
pk: It of course hit me emotionally, but.. *shrug* You deal with what you’ve got.
Rylee: It definitely has been a while before I could say it. I guess LAL opened the floodgate, LOL!
K-Money: People find it annoying that I still resent my parents but they lied. Plain and simple. As a kid what else am I supposed to believe?
Karen: Because they told me they would pay for it.
I understand your point, but you didn’t read the story. They told me they had money saved aside all throughout my life and I expected some money from them.
If you’re a kid and parents tell you that you can go to any university you want, any where, and they’ll help pay for it.. YOU TEND TO BELIEVE IT.
Why would you expect your parents to pick up part of your tab for college? My parents had six kids, I’m the youngest and the one that benefited from the most disposable income (my closest sibling is 13 years older than me). Just like my brothes and sisters I paid for my own college. My parents paid nothing. I was raised to take care of myself – isn’t that what being a responsible adult is all about? (PS – $60,000 – tuition, room and board – didn’t buy my first car until I was 25 and no, i haven’t hit 40 yet)
why not? different cultures have different expectations of their parents and kids. in my country, parents who can afford to do so, but DON'T pay for their kids' education are seen as slackers. parents who CAN'T because of financial difficulties are not seen in a bad light.
That’s true. My parents COULD have paid for my education. Also, if they had made better money choices and a whole bunch of other things.. I could have had my tuition paid for.
In the end, bygones are bygones. I’m just happy I turned out the way I did.
Whoa! that’s a background worthy of a book! thank you for sharing, some of it sounds like it is still painful for you. Good for you for overcoming your parents’ mistakes.
my parents also reneged on their promise of tuition money, but for different, more understandable reasons than your own (illness). A small part of me is still bitter about it, though–a parent’s broken promise is hard to get over, no matter what the reason.
I totally understand resenting your parents for telling you they’d pay for college then not doing it. Mine did the same thing, “We didn’t really say we’d pay for college did we? I don’t remember that…”. I just needed a warning so I could prepare.
We are all influenced by how our parents handled money. The trick is not to go so far in the opposite direction that we end up just as dysfunctional but in a different way.
What a great biography! I might have to write a bit about my own upbringing now. My bf often asks me about my childhood, which was vastly different from his. My family had NO money, his family had gobs of it. We are an interesting pair….
I really love this post, it’s awesome when someone really digs deep and shares a story like this.
Just found your blog through My Open Wallet. Wow, what a childhood you had. I understand why you and your sibs have issues about money, but what about personally? I mean, you were basically abandoned by your parents. I mean, are you only pissed off at them because they gambled away away your college tuition? I’d be more upset at the emotional abandonment. Does that bother you at all? Have you had to pay for years of therapy after that? Lord knows, I would have.
It’s great that you turned your life into a positive experience. I just can’t help but wonder how it all affected you emotionally.
What an interesting story. I always find it fascinating to hear why people have their own ideas about money.
Reminded me of “The Little Princess”! What a fascinating and sad story.
Your story is quite similar to mine. After my parents divorced and my father remarried, he and his new wife always seemed to have money burning a hole in their pocket.
From the ages of 9 to 14, I remember them bringing my brother and me to the casinos that were 20 minutes away. We would play in the 18 and under arcade while they gambled. They were constantly buying new furniture, electronics, etc., while stating that they didn’t know why we wouldn’t ask our mom for money for school supplies instead of them.
My dad actually did end up paying for my college education while I went in-state to his alma mater. Once I decided to transfer to a private university (on a scholarship for half the cost of tuition), he still helped me with my rent, but the tuition was my duty. He said that he would help me with my student loans once I graduated and was in repayment.
Then Hurricane Katrina happened, and my father lost his entire net worth. His business tanked for two years, and now he’s digging himself out of the debt he took on to keep him business afloat. I asked him once or twice if he’ll help me with my loans ($65k) and he always says “soon.” Meanwhile, he and his wife have newly furnished another house, bought a Prius, and even put a new pool in the backyard.
Anyway, I know that it’s my job to pay off these loans, and I’m doing it as fast as I possibly can. It’s just a disappointment to have a parent who, as you said, promises you the moon and then says “just kidding!”
My only saving grace was my mother, who despite being cheated on and divorced, having no college education, etc., worked her ass off from the start and showed me how to really manage money.
Okay, that was long winded. Short answer: I totally relate to you and his was a great post! Haha!
How’d your dad win the $500k?
Great story FB! My Biological father was addicted to gambling and still is. That’s why he left me at home alone when he was supposed to be watching me. To go out gambling, he couldn’t take the responsibility of a child.
My grandfather worked driving a bus, becuase he lacked an education. It would have been enough to live on if he didn’t gamble it away. Thus my mom and her siblings raised themselves basically.
My uncle worked full time from age 12 picking pineapples, etc to pay for food on the table. My mom worked full time from age 14, and before then all of the siblings picked up cans for food, etc.
My grandfather was a lovely man, funny, interesting, but addicted to gambling. He would take out loans and basically they would be homeless because he gambled the rent money away. Thus my mom and uncle (the two oldest) took over paying bills with their money. Also since he ran some gambling games out of their house, my mom went to child services at age 8, because they hauled my grandfather and grandmother to jail and the kids off to foster. But my grandparents really loved their kids, it’s just well things happened.
Unfortunately, it’s a family trait and most of the men and women in his family were alcoholics and gamblers. I guess I have a double dose from both sides, so I have to watch everything money and drinking.
Brilliant post. I agree very much with your point around communication. Families that communicate, realistically, honestly and kindly stay together mentally and physically. It’s not so much what you can do for your children as how you make them feel.
Thanks for sharing. Our parents and early lives completely shape our financial mindset. I wish mine had talked with me more because I’ve had to learn on my own. Not lectured me about what I should do, but just shared their experiences or pointed out what was going on when I was a kid. I fully plan to teach my kids how to budget. And I love Dave Ramsey. I may not follow it to the letter, but it has reshaped my thinking.
Blue-Eyed: Thanks!
Erin: You’ll get through it 🙂 Just takes time.
F: You’re right. But it’s too fresh in my mind to forgive them. They knew what they were doing, to be honest. They saw gambling as a form of entertainment, but when they dipped into their kids funds, they should’ve seen something was wrong.
I can’t forgive that.
Amy: You should write one of your own!
Dawn: Going over there now.
Great story. The way our parents handle money has a large impact on how we handle our cash when we grow up. In a lot of ways I am thankful for my mom’s frugal nature but I also have a lot of resentment that she wasted precious time on unimportant things.
My focus in life is a lot different from hers but still without thinking I sometimes make the same mistakes she made.
I recently wrote an article on my blog one the lessons in personal finance I learned by watching my mom handle her money.
Please have a read and tell me what you think.
thanks for sharing! it’s interesting how your history has made you and your siblings so careful about money now. my parents are HUGE scrimpers. we never traveled anywhere overnight when i was a kid–my first hotel stay and plane trip happened with my ex-boyfriend when i was in college. my parents literally have hollowed-out loaves of bread in the freezer stuffed with money. they are ridiculous.
Amazing story indeed! One thing that bugs me is the harsh attitude towards your parents. When someone is addicted (here: to gambling) they will sacrifice anything and everything to their addiction, including their children’s tuiton money. I bet they are ashamed about it. Is it so hard to forgive? Of course that would require that they admit their mistakes, which doesn’t seem to have happened (maybe not even to themselves). But they might after you make the first step. Good luck!
So inspiring! My experience upon graduation was similar – TONS of debt looming over my head and not knowing a THING about Finance. I’m so glad you’ve already paid it off – my husband and I are now scrambling to pay off 3 degrees as soon as possible so we can get on with our lives! 🙂
Wow. What an impressive story! I enjoyed reading every word of it. So honest and full of feelings/memories …