I can only offer two stories that have shaped my thinking on gifting money or other such generous donations to children.
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My Best Friend and her Brother
I have a best friend who’s parents recently purchased a brand new car for her brother and another for her brother’s girlfriend out of the blue because they felt bad. Not fiancee. Girlfriend.
My friend, had to scrape money to buy a used second hand car, never having been even offered the option of a brand new car by her parents.
Her brother is a dentist and went into heavy debt trying to open his clinic. The parents were just trying to be nice to help them out, like good parents, because he had no cash to buy a car at all.
My friend has a separate, independent job, no debt whatsoever and is JUST starting out in her career….
Did her brother deserve the car more?
And even more difficult, did his girlfriend deserve a car AS WELL, but not their daughter?
She felt quite upset at the whole situation, because she had worked her ass off to get to where she was in her career, making a small amount of money per year, and her parents never even considered offering.
Who and what determines whether one child is more worthy to receive gifts than the other(s)?
The dentist brother, because he went into a lot of debt opening his own business and makes more than my friend per year, but still can’t get out of debt because it’s damn expensive to have your own clinic?
Or my friend, who has no debt, worked her way to where she was, and makes a pittance?
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The Tale of Two Siblings
I know another story of two siblings.
One promised his parents he’d become a doctor.
He bragged so loudly and so much, that his parents bought into his lies and started advance payments on what they thought was a sure thing.
They also started bragging to everyone and anyone that their son was going to be a DOCTOR.
The other said he wanted to become a simple mechanic. They said “That’s nice dear.”
The wannabe-doctor brother, coerced a brand new car out of his parents, tuition at the finest university money could purchase, and 4 years of drinking and whoring bliss, all expenses paid.
He ended up working in a cafe, serving coffees for a living, after all the money they had pretty much wasted on his education, because he couldn’t pass the interviews and exams to get into the schools he wanted.
Currently, the parents still pay for his lifestyle habit, supporting him, purchasing his first apartment for him, his divorced wife’s support payments, and paying for plane tickets for him to bring the grandchildren back to see them once in a blue moon.
They are digging into their retirement for all of this, having banked all of their money on the wrong horse.
The mechanic brother, didn’t go to college, went to trade school, became the mechanic for a prominent politician and settled quietly on his own with a divorcee with two kids. He never asked for a single penny from his parents, and nor did they give him or offer him any money or support.
Since the mechanic brother had announced early on his passion for cars, his parents backed the other brother and fully funded his crazy, unrealistic dreams about how rich and awesome he was going to be, regardless of the early signs that he would not succeed, due to his lack of worth ethic and possibly brains as well.
Who and what determines whether one child is more worthy to receive gifts than the other(s)?
The brother who had claimed he’d be a rich doctor who would take care of his parents in their old age, and bring the kids every summer with his wife?
Or the other, who didn’t ask for a single penny in support and took his lumps as the “dumb” brother?
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My Take:
Neither child in both stories was more deserving of money, gifts or anything else than the other.
Even if one child had a run of bad luck over the other children in the family, all gifts, and all distributions of wealth should be equal.
If you buy a car for one child AND his girlfriend, you should offer the same total amount to each of your other children.
If you cannot afford to do that, nor want to, then you have no right offering those gifts to that child.
If you pay tuition for one child to go to become a doctor, and you don’t want to pay for the other to become something less demanding or supposedly prestigious, then you shouldn’t pay for either.
Tit for tat. Eye for an eye. Fairness and justice in all situations.
There are exceptional situations for sure, but this is a post directed for 95% of all the cases out there.
I repeat.
Every gift, every contribution, given to children and grandchildren should be fair and equally distributed.
If not, it WILL cause resentment that will harbour and manifest itself for years to come into a shape of an ugly, ruined relationship between parent and child, or siblings will be pitted against each other in the end.
My friend still talks to her brother has a good relationship with him, but still feels miffed her parents passed her over. She cannot muster up the courage to ask them “Why”, but seems to just want to let it all slide.
The brothers, don’t speak. The second brother refuses to talk to his brother, and he has been estranged from his parents since he became a mechanic.
Yeah I know a few people whom that happened to. Its sad. I’m glad I’m an only child, but I think my mom would have treated a sibling the same if she had the chance to have a second child. The reason I believe this is because she said it and because she helped two of my cousins with their college education. My mom went out of her way to help them. She also helped another cousin of mine with their dental payments. My mom has done a lot of nice things for me, but she also helped some of my cousins. She does want the best for my cousins so she helped them out. 🙂
SO kind and generous. *in awe*
I have these feelings to a degree.
I decided to cut the apron strings and take care of myself. I decided to be independent and never ask for money. I decided my path.
My sibs decided to lean on my parents more.
Sometimes, I get really frustrated, but I just remind myself that I have taught myself many lessons being on my own for so long. I am very proud of the woman I am.
My recent post For My Sisters
I\’m proud of you too! 🙂
Cutting the purse strings is hard (easy, free money :P) but it makes you a stronger person.
THIS, with ALL MY HEART. I had a dear friend, smart as a whip; she should have been in college, but she was the oldest daughter. SHE had to pay rent at home, as much as if it had been an apartment; she moved out, did well, took the classes she could afford, sent money to her folks, was expected to dance attendance on their wishes and needs.
BUT. The youngest? The SON? HE'S still living in the family home, which he doesn't pay a penny towards, or contribute to in other ways. The parents? Last I heard they were paying for year FIVE of a college degree which he will never, ever get.
Ugh, and my grandmother. My darling brother (who looked after our Mom, too) spent YEARS looking after my grandparents on a daily basis. Years and years and YEARS. He got kind of burned out, and my sister took over for a year, and the oldest ran a couple of errands. Both of them got WADS of money, but the brother who did years of caretaking? Nothing. Because he'd taken a break. UGH. Horrible old woman.
..Those are horrific stories about not being treated fairly!
Ooo this strengthens my resolve to really treat kids fairly and equally. 🙁 That’s so incredibly sad…