I don’t know how girls/women deal with guys going to strip clubs, but personally I detest the idea. I don’t do it, and if BF did it, I would never want to hear about it nor know that he was there because I’d think less of him.
Harsh but true.
It’s better if I don’t know.
Same goes for porn, although to be fair, we have looked at it together* but he doesn’t keep a porn collection or anything, not that I’m aware of, considering I am basically with him almost 24/7 except for work (and I’m sure he doesn’t carry porn on a USB key to work or watch it at work)…
*I should clarify that we looked at it each other just for a comparison sake on fake boobs vs. real boobs and how to tell the difference, and to look up what some of the words meant in ‘sex’ vocabulary because we had no idea what they were talking about on YouTube. But we don’t actually watch porn or go to sites together to look at porn, only for reference sake.
But that’s besides the point of the post. What irks me the most about boyfriends is the constant check up.
I hate it. I hate it with a passion.
When I say: I am going out, I’ll be back later, maybe past 9 because we may be going out to dinner and talking late into the night, all I want to hear back is: Fine have a good time and be safe. Call if you’ll be back past midnight or else I’ll worry.
What I DON’T want, is him calling me every hour past 9 p.m. asking “Are you back yet?” .. Um NO. I’m not, I’m clearly still out with the girls so back the hell off. (P.S. This is not in reference to current BF, but to old BFs).
Then the worst is when they’re bloody hypocrites. When THEY go out, and say they’ll be back “Whenever“, I press them for the time and I get the whole Hey, why are you sweatin’ me? I said I’d be out!. Okay buddy, but it’s a two way street.
All I want is to know that you WILL be going out (some BFs haven’t told me and I stayed up until 2 a.m. one night freaking out about whether he was okay or not because he didn’t call or pick up his cell phone), and I also want to know an approximate time to expect you back so that I know either that I want to chance waiting up for you, or I just lock the door and sleep.
That’s it. Pretty simple. I won’t call every hour, or two hours unless there’s an emergency, and you can just relax and be alone.
It’s what I want, it’s what you want. So give it to me.
But every couple is different which begs the question:
What are your appropriate levels of checking in, checking out, or notifying your BF or GF when you’ll be gone?
Is it an hour? Half hour? Never (like me)? Am I a weirdo!?
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I have never been the one who checks up constantly with the BF as long as he tells me that he is going out and where to I am fine with it.
I have no problems with my partner , past and present, going to strip clubs or anything. Just as long as its not too over the top.
I trust my partner 100% but I did warn him that its a two way street, if he can do it well so can I. I think that stopped him in his tracks. :*)
When I go out out (vs running errands), I give Micah a general framework, where I’m going and when I’ll be back and who’s coming along…though normally he already knows the latter. Often I’ll need to be picked up from the metro stop, since I don’t like waiting for the bus late at night. So I tell him to expect the call around a certain time.
As for him, if he’s out maybe an hour and a half past when he said he’d be back, I check in. But that rarely happens.
I am usually out more than he is, but I don’t worry about it unless he said he is going to call and doesn’t for several hours. He will check up on me some after work, but more to see if he needs to go eat something by himself or I am about to come home so we can eat together. (we eat pretty late at night). I usually text him some if I have a chance, but not if I am at a conference busy all day.
As far as strip clubs go, he has made the rule that he can’t go without me next time because he spends too much money! Not all strip clubs are nasty and some of the women are lovely to talk to. Something different is healthy for a relationship, in my opinion.
Same goes for “porn”. If you think your man isn’t taking care of himself at least once a day if you aren’t, you are quite mistaken. I don’t care what he says. As long as he would prefer having you, it isn’t a problem. That being said, if he has to hide it from you and feels guilty about doing it, that will cause tension and resentment. Just make sure there is some time for him alone so you don’t have to see it and can pretend it isn’t around and you will have a much better relationship.
I have never had a very steady boyfriend which I would report my daily ongoings to. I think I’d find it very tedious unless it actually effected what he does. I suppose if we lived together it would be different. I would probably let him know where I was and an an estimated time to get back, then if I don’t get back at that point then I;d call again. I’d would pretty much expect the same.
Again, I’d imagine.
When we lived in Vancouver, hubby would go to strip-clubs with the lads for a quick beer after work (real happy hour eh?) I knew about it and sometimes I went there with him (the Cecil and the Drake, don’t know if they still exist). It was so much fun!
We got married in our 30s plus we both had “some” experience before we met and we told each other about our adventures. I even met some of his previous girlfriends. So we both knew that we’re not going to stray.
Now in Israel it’s different – we hardly ever go anywhere!!! It’s just work and home and dinner with friends sometimes. We must be getting old 🙁
My now ex-bf (waiting for him to actually move out) had this problem big time. He is a bloody hypocrite.
I’m a pretty easy going gal, I think it’s healthy to have friends and do things with friends, without BF/GF along all the time.
I agree, mutual respect is important. If I have plans, I let him know in advance, I tell him where I’ll be, when I suspect to be home etc. I’m not detailed but I don’t want him to worry.
I expect the same respect in return. Let me know where you going, or when you’ll be home, or who you are with, to me these things are practical in case of emergency things.
We live together, we should respect that comes with a relationship.
Sadly though he is an idiot. To say he disrespected me is an understatement. I’m sure I’ll blog about him when he is finally gone, but until then it is best for now to keep mum on the subject.
When I was with my ex and he or I were traveling, I would always want him to call me before he went to bed. He always had issues with it and I really didn’t think it was that much to ask.
I am so happy I’m not in a relationship anymore though.
My checking-up-ness has always depended on the quality of the relationship–if it’s a good one, there’s no checking up required, because both parties are honest and considerate about calling if they’ll be late or whatever. If a lot of checking up is required (or feels required) or if I have to worry a lot because the other party is not forthright about where he’ll be/when he’ll be home, I should just take that as a sign to end the relationship.
Truthfully, I’m usually the one home later than I estimate, and I am not always able to call–if I’m out that late without my honey, it’s because I’m performing and I can’t get to my phone. A good boyfriend understands this and doesn’t let it bother him (I try to be really good about estimating my time, but I’m depending on other people and public transportation for rides, so sometimes it’s just out of my control).
If my boyfriend goes out without me, I’ll go to sleep and not worry. I trust him.
As for porn or strip clubs…well, my boyfriend and I have gone to burlesque shows together and I love it! We both like naked (or mostly naked) people, and the girls who do burlesque seem to have a wonderful time (I’ve thought about doing an amateur night or something, myself, and my boyfriend is supportive). A regular strip club might be a bit much, but my boyfriend’s not into that anyway. I wouldn’t get jealous of porn–it can be part of a healthy sex life (alone or with a partner) and if it’s not adversely affecting our time together, I can’t complain. Trolling singles’ sites “just to see what’s out there”…that doesn’t fly with me AT ALL (can you tell I’ve had an ex who did that!?)
My girlfriend and I have an expectation that we would call each other if we are out late just to check in. That way the person not out does not have to worry or wonder what is going on. Just a quick, “I’m still out”.
And my girlfriend knew the one time I went to a strip club since we have been together. It was for a bachelor party and I asked for her approval (not permission) before I went.
I fully trust my bf, but I still like to know when he’ll be home (roughly) even if the answer is “2 am”. And if something comes up, just let me know. It is just curteous.
I’m not 100% sure that I wouldn’t want to know if my BF went to a strip club. I don’t want him going to one but I don’t want to have things hidden from me. I might say I want to know now, but once I find out I might wish I never knew. (Like if he cheated…I think I’d want to know. Just so I can kick his ass and send him packing.)
Anyway, I don’t think you’re a weirdo. I don’t need him narrating his outing play by play, but I’d like to know if he’s coming back at 10, versus 1am. Just so I’m not sitting around waiting for him. He never bugs me when I’m out either. Then again we don’t go out much without each other.
I do like to know what he’s up to though. He once went to see a movie without me, one that I kind of wanted to see (but I wanted him to wait a week until I could use my free tickets)….and then hid it from me and pretended he hadn’t seen it yet. (Claims he “forgot”). It pissed me off for days (I’m still a little sore about it). Perhaps I’m the weird one? lol.
For the Faux Beau & I, when we lived in New Orleans and partied hard… it was very lax in a way. We both knew the bars we went to (and we did NOT stray from them), and they were blocks from our house.
On the rare occasion that one of us went out without the other, it was a "Hey babe, I'm going to the Dervish. I'll be back by at least 2 a.m… if I think I'm going to stay later, I'll call." And it ended at that. We trusted one another, knew where the other was going, and who we'd be around. I can think of mayne AN instance where one of us stayed out later and forgot to call.. and it was fine in the end.
It’s funny, I’m kind of the opposite of most people, and I seem to get a lot of shit for it. When my husband goes out, I have no reason not to trust him — he has a great group of friends, he has never lied to me about who he is with/where he is going, so I don’t feel the need to “check up” on him within a reasonable amount of time — say, three hours, if he gives me a finite time when he’ll be home. If he does the “I’ll be home late, don’t wait up”, then I don’t. If he says “I’ll be home at 10” and it’s 1am, then sure, I’d call, but we’ve never been in that situation, because he would have called before 1am, knowing that he said he’d be home at 10, and not “late”. And he’s moving away next year, so we’re going to be in a long-distance marriage for a few years, so really, he’s going to get all the freedom he wants, and that’s fine. Whereas most of my friends have very tight leashes on their significant others when it comes to going out.
But on the other hand, I absolutely detest porn/strip clubs/etc. Fine, I’d get over the strip club if it was for a bachelor party, but the porn is unacceptable to me. It’s not that I’m fat and insecure, I just find it vile and degrading to the woman you are with if you have to get yourself off by looking at other women. That has, of course, sparked many arguments in our relationship, whereas most of my friends have no problems with it.
I agree – let them know where you’re planning to go (unless the strip club in this case :]), an idea of who you’ll be with, and what time you think you’ll be home. That’s enough information to feel comfortable about a significant other; especially if, god forbid, something were to go wrong, you’d have an approximate idea of where to find them, or who else to try to reach if they weren’t picking up their phone.
The other suggestion is that the person going out should be the one checking in, not the person at home. It’s a reassuring way of saying, “hey, I’m out, having a good time, and I appreciate it, but I’m still thinking of you.” It’s also a good way to keep your S.O. posted about any plan changes.
Oh FB! What a great post and I know exactly what you mean!
When I go out my boyfriend will text me all night and if I don’t reply I get “are you not speaking?” texts which drive me nuts! BUT, if he goes out I always ask him to let me know what he’s up to (because twice he’s gotten so drunk he’s kissed someone else and it means I’m a little paranoid) and I’ll get one message the whole night at 3am “on my way home” and then he’ll get back over an hour later when our house is a fifteen minute walk from town! Grrrr!
I try not to let it bother me. I’d be driven insane if I spent all my time worrying about him.