In response to my post about Paying more than your fair share a lovely regular reader of my blog wrote this thoughtful, heartfelt response.
I’ve asked her permission to print it in its entirety, but she wishes to remain Anonymous, which I will respect.
It’s both inspirational and heartbreaking at the same time.
Without further ado…
“Money can make or break a relationship. I speak from experience on that one as it is a factor in my impending divorce. When I got married I had just been laid off from a job that I loved. I was sending out resumes and going on interviews and as a back-up plan I was ready to start temping. My fiance then got fired from him job. I didn’t freak out too badly. I had this us against the world feeling. I was so sure we would both bounce back quickly. WRONG.
I got a job after only one month. I was overqualified and underpaid…but it was a job with benefits and a chance to advance. My husband took to the bed/couch. I was able to speak to one of my friends who worked as a Manager at a restaurant and got him a job cleaning. On more than one occasion he failed to show up for work and I left my job and went home to get him and ultimately ended up helping him clean (so I was working two jobs without being paid for both). Cleaning a restaurant is grueling work. But I wanted to show my support to him.
Eventually, he was fired from that job. Then I got a promotion. By that time, I was handling all bills and expenses. I didn’t mind because he was going through a tough time. My expectation was that he would help out at home more (sweat equity is what my Mom calls it). But that didn’t happen either….I had an hour commute one way to work and when I got home nothing was done and I was expected to make a full dinner AND clean the kitchen.
I started getting harassing calls at the office….from his creditors. They were threatening me. I kept telling them that the debt was incurred before we got married and I was not responsible for it (California is a community property state). I couldn’t take it anymore. I called an attorney and discussed the option of my husband filing bankruptcy. I paid about $1200 for him to file bankruptcy. It didn’t affect me financially…whew.
He finally got a job. I was thrilled. But that didn’t last long because he started drinking and not showing up and just didn’t care. It was the hardest thing for me to see because I have a very strong work ethic. Then he started lying and stealing money out of my purse while I slept. At one point, I had a $1000 check coming from the insurance company for a car that someone totaled. I was going to use that to pay bills. He stole it from the mailbox and cashed it. He told me it was for a friend who needed money. I contacted that friend and said I was glad we could help out but could we discuss a repayment plan. His friend was uncomfortable and I knew then that my husband had lied. He finally admitted that he had gone to a casino because he just needed to have a night out and have fun. Geez, a fun night out for me is usually no more than $80…AND I HAD A JOB.
He got fired again and started drinking more. He totaled my new car. Insurance didn’t cover the whole thing and I had to pay for a car that was no longer. I began to hide my purse at night. He lied and lied. I kept trying to make it work. I finally offered to take him to rehab. He went and was kicked out after five days for drinking in rehab. I was beyond pissed. I was DONE.
I just finished paying off the totaled car. I am almost done paying off his rehab bill and just paid another hospital bill that was incurred in June of this year. He is sober and working….but I AM STILL DONE.
I filed for divorce on July 2, 2008. I filed what is called a summary dissolution of marriage. Basically, we both agree to certain terms, a property settlement and neither one asks for spousal support. He signed it. I was so scared that I would have to pay him spousal support. Now, let me say here that I would have had no problem paying spousal support if he had been a stay at home Dad or helped put me through school. By then I had received my third promotion at work and was making six figures.
I am still paying all of the bills….for a few more weeks. He took his car in to the shop in April and had $6k worth of work done…with no way to pay for it. He borrowed money from a friend and every paycheck has been going to pay the friend back. He will have paid him back by mid September.
I agreed to continue living here and supporting us both until the end of the year. I file the final divorce document on January 3, 2009 (which happens to be my 40th bday). He still doesn’t contribute much to the household in the way of sweat equity.
So why did I share this with you? Because money can really cause a rift between people. But, in my case it was also his alcohol problem that ruined our relationship. Through all of the trials and tribulations I have learned what I will and will not accept from a partner (and that is the key word..partner). No matter who makes more it has to be a partnership…not a sole proprietorship.
The good news is that I am on back on track financially. I have paid off all of my credit cards and the wrecked car. I only have a student loan, a loan to my parents and my current car loan. I am now able to put money away to buy a house.
That is probably more than you ever wanted to know, right? I used to resent him and the fact that I felt like I had been taken advantage of. Now, I have forgiven him and am ready to move on with the next stage of my life which I am sure is going to be FABULOUS.”
I’m POSITIVE it will be. Thanks for letting me post this. I hope the story inspires other women to assess their own situation and/or take action if they have been dawdling.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
Thank you for sharing that story, although it’s sad, it sounds like ultimately, she made the right choice.
I’m 21, studying, and working as a tutor at my university (R2000pm), luckily my university fees are negligible (my dad’s staff discount is 75%, and I get academic awards) and my dad pays my rent (R2500pm).
Food, petrol, electricity, all come out of my income. I am in about R800 debt to my boyfriend (whom I live with, and who luckily doesn’t charge interest) because we try to split all costs fairly even though he makes more money than me.
Having financial equilibrium is really important – he will sometimes spoil me but we try go 50-50 on everything, or we eat different meals, so that he can have the steak he wants, even though I can’t afford it.
He’s also helping me get out of debt – he’s decided that this month, if I meet my budget (don’t overspend) he’ll pay for the month’s petrol and electricity (effectively decreasing my debt by more than half.)
Your blog is really great to read. Thank you for sharing!
This story really hits home right now. My bf of three plus years ended things with me yesterday morning. And while we didn’t have alcohol abuse problems, we did disagree about money. He comes from a very wealthy family and not the same work ethics as I have. It makes things hard. I felt that he took a lot of things for granted, including me, but I love him and probably would never have been strong enough to end the relationship, so I am glad that he let me go. Although I still very angry.
Sad that happened, as it does for way too many people.
I don’t see it as a money problem so much, though (of course obviously money problems arose because of other issues). Frankly, the problem as I see it is that the guy was lazy and selfish. Even with all the money in the world, I’d hate to be married to a guy like that. I can’t even stand to live with people like that when they are paying their part of the rent — and yes, it has happened.
However, if my husband was a hard worker but didn’t make a lot of money, that wouldn’t bother me so long as we could both afford it and we were happy with our jobs.
wow. your story makes me feel like such a spoiled brat – thanks for the wake up call! there is more to life than buying clothes and material things – some people are really struggling to make ends meet – I am so proud of you for pulling through! you are a role model for all of us!
Thanks for passing this on.
I don’t think enough newly-weds or those blinded by love (a great thing), but they need to factor in their economic futures as well.
I’ve been divorced for two years… still trying to pay down the debt he left me $6,000!!! Almost there though.
Very inspiring story, I’m sure this will inspire others as well, and the next stage of her life, will be absolutely fab.
BB
Wow, after all of the financial problems this guy has caused, I’d be filing those papers sooner than later. I sure as heck would not want to be responsible for someone like this guy for any longer than necessary. Hope the next 4-5 months are smooth sailing.
Wow. I loved reading this. My fiance used to be like that, but then I knocked him silly. ok, actually I just made him sit down and showed him all the money coming in versus all the money that needed to go out. We also set aside an allotted amount each paycheck as crap money to spend on whatever we want. This seems to work best for us.
Wow, what a story-so pleased she had a financially happy ending to it all.
Oh, this was so sad.
Wow.
This woman learned a valuable lesson the really long, hard way and didn’t let herself get bitter. She’s not only going to bounce back, she’s gonna thrive.
I hope it inspires others in similar situations too. For the rest of us, it reminds us to be very, VERY grateful for the spouses we have.
Thanks for posting this 🙂
yes money is evil, but we can’t live without it!
“No matter who makes more it has to be a partnership…not a sole proprietorship.”
So true. Even though Micah’s not terribly interested in finances, I do my best to make this a partnership by talking with him about them (he’s interested enough to talk about it and agree to things and follow through, but not enough to come up with ideas). It would be easy for me to start making all the financial decisions, but that wouldn’t be fair…
Wow, that’s crazy… Reading that makes me VERY thankful for my own marriage! Sure, we have our tiny problems, but nothing like this… And the issues we have had haven’t been heavily money focused, either. (Money’s played a role, but it wasn’t the money that was the issue, really.)
WOW…what an inspiring story!!! Kudos to you for being able to leave and get out. I hope good things come your way!