As you all know, I’m now living in another city with BF.
To move out, I brought everything I needed in these 3 bags:
1 Carry-On
1 Puma-like Athletic Bag
1 Backpack
Granted, it isn’t EVERYTHING I own, I have about 2-3 large suitcases of stuff left, but that’s basically all I need for the rest of my life to move with, minus the winter gear (winter coat, muffs, gloves, boots).
The first night I came to the city with BF, he turned to me, hugged me, and with a big smile said: “Now you’re going to be here forever“….
It was the nicest thing I had ever heard. Completely delivered in a calm, unassuming voice as if stating a matter of fact.
But now that I am living with BF, I guess there are some ground rules that have to be set (although since I’ve been here every weekend, for half the week, we’ve fallen into a routine already)
Here are my list of questions to ask:
1. Who’s going to cook – lunches, dinners, breakfasts? Are we doing a bag lunch thing where one of us cooks for the whole week, and we stack up 10 boxes of food to last us through? And along those lines – what are we going to buy to eat, so we don’t duplicate food purchases.
2. Who’s going to clean? Laundry? Dishwasher loading?
3. How are we splitting everything? Does one of us pay for everything and then gives the other a bill at the end of the month? This one is really important because you don’t want resentment in a relationship at all.
4. Explain the rules and the kind of habits you may have when you’re at home, you know, pet peeves!
5. Don’t forget to give yourself your own emotional and personal space. Just because you live together doesn’t mean you need to be tied at the hip together 24/7. Have your own friends, and your own life or it’s going to end up bad.
6. Have a plan B. Always have a plan for just in case things don’t work out — you just never know.
Any other tips from other co-habitants?
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
I would honestly say, the first 3 mos are going to be a little difficult. It takes about that long to figure out all of the little habits, who cleans, who cook, etc. It is annoying & you WILL argue but you will get over it and move on and everything will be great. Just know that it will take some time to adjust!
Have you thought about a cohabitation agreement? I never had until I read about one on another PF website:
http://www.makelovenotdebt.com/2006/06/cohabitation_agreements.php
Sounds like it is going well! Congrats!
Two words – separate bathrooms.
That saves my sanity on a daily basis.
Sorry, what I meant was “these are my questions to ask, for anyone who is thinking about being a cohabitant”. Like other tips “tried and true”
I already asked and confirmed the questions when I stayed here on the weekends 🙂
Lilli — you shouldn’t be paying double. I used to do it, and the only fair way is to pay half. If you can’t afford to do something, then don’t do it at all.
Hi. The point with splitting bothers me enormously. I earn about twice what my boyfriend does and have been paying always about twice as he does on any activity, we do together. But it botheres me. I makes difficult for me to see him as a man. And especially bothers me, that it doesn’t bother him at all. 🙁 You know, it’s like man should pay on a first date. May be same kind of emotion.
Small Green Corner said it for me^^. If you have a joint account for household expenses, and each put a designated amount in, it’ll diffuse arguments before they start.
Keep your own account for your own mad money.
And a savings account as your Plan B.
Set up a joint checking account and a direct bank debit each month to cover bills and living expenses. This means you share the responsibility while retaining control of your own cash in your own account. Easy to set up and easy to dismantle if required.
Hey only the first three were questions! 🙂
Just a thought on No. 3… maybe figure out what all your living expenses will be (rent, food, utilities, apartment insurance), add a small buffer and open a joint chequing account. Each contributes their half and pay your bills from that account.
I’ve never heard of anyone that wasn’t in a serious relationship do that but if you think of it as belong to the home I don’t think it would make things awkward.
No tips for you, just sending this your way: Awww!! 🙂 You two sound so adorable!! I hope it works out well, hon.
Girl… I have a ton of tips! I have only been living with S for 6 months now, and I have learned a lot!!
1. I do lunches, he does dinner. We usually do sandwiches and he gets a soup. Or sometimes I have salad. I wake up earlier then him since we only have one bathroom. While he’s in the shower, I pack the lunches. He is an extremely picky eater, so I let him cook dinner. Plus, i can’t cook anyway.
2. He is really good at picking up/tidying, and getting the dishes done. I on the other hand, love vacuuming and scrubbing.
3. We split cell, groceries, rent and utilities right down the middle. It has happened in the past where we have had to help each other out from time to time, but it has all evened itself out. But when it is due, one person writes the check, and the other gives them cash.
4. Please try to pee in the bowl, not on the rim. His rule for me is to put my shoes in my closet, not on the living room floor.
5. FOR REAL!! I have struggled with this one, but it has all worked out for the better.
6. I do too, an escape route if you will.
Congrats! It’s a big step, and not always roses, but for me it is totally worth it. And a big money saver!
Chad and I keep a joint account that we use to pay for rent, utilities, groceries, and other random household-related things. We each put in a set amount each month. Obviously this wouldn’t work for every couple (there’s definitely a large amount of trust there!), but it cuts down on the headaches. By depositing money every month, you limit your vulnerability to theft and there’s no waiting for someone to pay you. If they don’t deposit their money, the rent won’t get paid which should be incentive since they probably don’t want to get kicked out!
Maybe have a space to go when you’re ticked off that you won’t be bothered in? I really wish I had a little corner to disappear into sometimes… Just so he’d leave me alone until I’m ready to talk again, lol.
Otherwise just lay down the rules of engagement for arguing… When you live with somebody you love, you’ll inevitably come across some things you disagree on and get heated about.
You have a pretty good idea about setting expectations and ground rules at the beginning. If you both can live with your arrangement, then it’ll be a good thing. And like life, living with someone (anyone) is a lesson in making compromises. Good luck!
Congratulations! Enjoy! NO MORE LONG DISTANCE COMMUTE!!
Be brave & talk out the snags. Remember that you love this person & they're worth the effort.
And if you find yourself staring at a sink full of festering dishes in a homicidal rage, ask yourself how big is that sink full of dishes in the big picture?
Hopefully he'll be asking himself the same thing when he discovers a clogged drain full of hair!
And flirt with him like you've never flirted before! My partner channels Gomez Addams & has kept me swooning for over a decade now.
Make sure he's aware of the fact that you are his girlfriend & not his mother!
Aw … that’s so cute! But I heartily second number 5: I know cohabitants who are miserable with their SOs because they’re always together and … well, that’s going to drive the most devoted couples batty after a while.
Is he responsible for damage to the apartment or does he own it? And if he owns it how will you share in repairs? Are you a tenant who expects it fixed as part of the rent or is it more “co-owners?”
Also consider if renting, do you have renters insurance? And if he or you accidentally broke something who would pay? Shared expense?
Also living together, at least in the states, you have to be included or excluded on the car insurance. IF you are on it will you pay him for the new expense? And if excluded then what happens if you are driving and wreck his car? And why do you have to do this? Because if there is an accident and the insurance company finds out they can definitely not pay.
Wow–you didn’t hammer some of these things out before you moved in?
I’m not judging at all–here’s my point of view. My last boyfriend and I were planning to move in together and I was really anal about planning it all out. Maybe it’s a symptom of the problems in that relationship but I could never have moved in without discussing all of those things before any bags were packed. As it turned out, we broke up for other reasons. But my current boyfriend and I have discussed the possibility of moving in together in the future, and we’ve covered all those things too–I just can’t imagine already moving in before discussing who would cook and clean and how expenses would be divided. And actually, that doesn’t just apply to co-habitation situations but also to couples who are getting married if they haven’t lived together before. I discussed all of those things with all my traditional roommates before moving in; why wouldn’t I do that with a significant other?
Congrats on taking things to the next level.
My bf/fiance have lived together almost three years now. The best thing we’ve done is split all the bills like roommates would. Food is a slightly different story because we work opposite schedules. In the end, he tends to have things delivered or maybe pays more often when we go out to eat. I tend to do more grocery shopping so that there is food at home. In the end, it evens out. But pulling your own weight is a top priority. Then, when something goes wrong and one has to pick up some financial slack for the other, it’s out of love and teamwork and not resentment because they know you’d do the same for them. And yes, that has happened both ways to us.
In the end, have fun and don’t be afraid to talk about money, volume level of the TV, or anything else.
I think you have some good thoughts, just don’t be so focused on stiff division of duties and stiff rules. Leave some room for flexibility.
This one is important. If you throw a dinner party/BBQ, how is it split? Does it matter if it was mostly his friends? Does it matter if you just had to get the lobster/keg/inflatable palm tree?
Grocery shopping will be a transition. I recommend going together for a couple times. You’re not just roommates who could get some stuff you left on the list, you have to work together.
Uh… check that the possiblity of midnight drug raids are out of the question…!?
Haha, seriously though – great list.
You should be able to work out the routines by discussing openly what your expectations are. Everybody has different styles and preferences- I HATE doing laundry, but my SO doesn’t mind it. I love to cook, she’s indifferent about cooking. Most things will fall into place with good communication and a little compromise. Except toilets. NOBODY likes cleaning toilets!
And big kudos to you on having a plan B. Nobody likes to plan for a funeral at the baby shower, but it’s prudent to have your exit strategy in place, including a stash of funds to take care of yourself if needed.
Someone needs to explain #5 to Mr. If I’m sitting on the bed with a pad over my eyes, my headphones on and the door clothes…it’s probably a good indicator that I need some ‘me’ time.
I think you are right on with #5. My husband and I make sure we make time for ourselves…I think that one is super important…it helps you not tire of one another too! On the opposite not though, try and have a date night every couple weeks or at least once a month. It will help remind you that you can still enjoy each others company without worrying who is paying the electric bill this month….Good Luck!
Without doubt the best thing I have learned since living with BF is the importance of biting my tongue every now and then. I may want to scream at him to pick up his towel for the millionth time, but for the sake of happy, easy-going co-habitation, I take a breath, pick it up, and try not to nag the poor thing all the time. I’m sure there’s stuff I do that gets under his skin, and the good things about living with him FAR outweigh the small irritations, so I try to deal with things like that with good grace! 🙂
Good luck with co-habiting!! it sounds like you’re off to an excellent start!
I think the most important question is “whose gonna clean”!