Note: I did post this before, but I had to delete it… (not because of the comments!)… but here it is again.
I thought about something interesting the other day, and thought I’d try and expand on that further. And this is all written from a perspective of a straight, taken woman, so forgive the politically incorrect phrasing that does not include gay people.
Are emotional affairs the same as physical affairs?
Sure, with physical affairs it’s pretty cut and dry. You kissed him, you felt her up, you f*cked him. But emotional affairs aren’t as cut and dry as that.
They’re more of a grey area, and besides what would you classify an emotional affair? Would you say that if a man and woman were best friends and told each other everything – that would be an emotional affair?
Personally, I think if a man and woman are best friends, told each other everything, but would hesitate to tell their significant other about 50% of that stuff, that’s classified as an emotional affair.
I think the rule I had in my head was that it was emotional cheating if you tell another man (girlfriends don’t count) deep dark secrets and things that you couldn’t reveal to your boyfriend.
But am I wrong?
Is it possible to have friendships between men and women (a whole other animal to dissect apparently), and furthermore, is it okay to tell that other man or woman everything, but selectively filter out what you’d tell your significant other?
In addition, are emotional affairs not only the same as physical affairs, but maybe worse because it takes over your heart and emotions rather than just your body reacting to a physical attraction?
I’d definitely feel more betrayed if my boyfriend was emotionally cheating on me with another woman by telling her things he’s never told me than if he told me he kissed someone out of lust at a party and totally regrets it.
I think it’s also because emotional cheating is harder to define, but not only that, harder to prove. It’s just a gut feeling, an instinct, that probably turns out to be 90% correct, but still, I feel like there should be some hard facts to back it all up.
So my second question to everyone is: is an emotional affair worse than a physical one?
At this point, I’d tell my boyfriend everything. If a guy hit on me, I’d tell him and how I reacted, and he tells me all the times women make passes at him. I usually laugh it off because I don’t feel threatened, but I wonder if it’s the same on his end – if he feels threatened, or secure in our relationship. He seems fine so far, and if he wasn’t, I’d just stop telling him those stories but they wouldn’t stop happening. But that’s another topic altogether.
I’d like to hear the opinion of girls AND guys (if any are lurking)…!
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elaine: I guess that’s what that is… forgiving lust over love
I agree that an emotional affair is harder to swallow than a physical one. I could definitely forgive a one-night stand more easily than a long, emotional affair simply because I’m more possessive of my boyfriend’s love than his lust.
Mrs. Micah: I think I know what you mean. I may have done something similar once, or twice. Now, not so much…
david: You know, that’s interesting. Having an emotional affair to jog what’s been missing with your own spouse… that makes a lot of sense to me when you explain the situation, but in a way, in my case, I’d feel a tad betrayed if my bf did that… but not so horribly so that I’d become a green-eyed monster. But I would feel weird.
Joel: I definitely agree with that. I think it’s a bit more black and white for me than for david for example, but I do see his point (and how it’d make sense).
Andrea: But what if it’s things that SHOULD be told to your bf and not to your good guy friend? Stuff that your bf would like to know about but you just didn’t tell him..?
But I do agree with your point about having another perspective with an opposite sex. But in that case, I have guy friends for that, but I don’t necessarily hang out with them or talk to them constantly on the phone. It’s just once in a while, they give me their opinion when I ask and vice versa. but I don’t tell them deep dark secrets or things that my bf should know.
Living: I would too. To be honest, the cuddling, holding hands and anything touchy-feely that (to me) is quite intimate, is a real violation. Maybe more so than just pure animal sex. Sex = Lust/Passion, but holding hands and cuddling is when you actually really care and love the person, and don’t just want to have sex with them, but want a more meaningful, intimate relationship…
I couldn’t handle my bf doing that with a good girl friend and vice versa.. it’s too personal and intimate.
Wow, everyone’s comments are great!! I’m loving this post.
Emotionally cheating is where you would not tell your spouse. You can be friends with lots of people and those of the same sex. But when you have to hide going out with them or what you talk about then it becomes very questionable.
And most guys/girls I’ve asked, they say they can be friends of the opposite sex when single. Then once they are in a deep relationship or married they say not.
Usually because when you are such “close” friends they end up “Sleeping over at the person’s house, and would your SO be happy if you slept over with another guy?” My DH would be unhappy. But so would I. Or getting very touchy and feely.
I think boundaries end up limiting people’s friendships. You don’t go and sleep over at a guy friend’s house if you are out drinking. BUT drinking all night with a bunch of girlfriends? You don’t notice as much if your girlfriend holds her best GF hand but if she’s constantly holding hands with her best guy friend?
I don’t know would it weird you out? Maybe an open relationship, but if my DH held his best GF hand all the time, rub her neck like he does mine, even if they are friends I think I might be weirded out.
I’d like to address the following as two points:
I’d definitely feel more betrayed if my boyfriend was emotionally cheating on me with another woman by telling her things he’s never told me than if he told me he kissed someone out of lust at a party and totally regrets it.
1. I agree with anonymous. A friend – whether male or female – offers advice from a different perspective. People have different biases. One person can’t satisfy every emotional need that one might have.
I have married friends (also single friends, friends in relationships) who agree with this assessment. One friend once told his wife that there are some things that she should be discussing with her friends rather than with him.
I share anon’s definition of emotional cheating.
Furthermore, it’s important for opposite-sex friends and significant others to get along, and to trust that boundaries will not be crossed. SOs need to feel and understand that friends aren’t a threat to the relationship, that these friendships are perfectly innocuous. Helpful, even. An opposite sex friend will tell you when you’re being reasonable and unreasonable and will help a relationship partner understand the opposite sex. It’s great perspective.
2. I could also forgive a physical affair more easily than an emotional one, by my definition of “emotional” cheating. As you say, physical affairs are pretty cut and dry. It’s one thing to impulsively fulfill a need, but thinking about how it would affect one’s SO and then doing it anyway, if you know that the other would be hurt by it, is worse. The exception here is if it’s a physically open relationship, in which both partners have agreed that it’s permissible to engage is sexual activities with other people purely for the physical gratification. In this case it’s not “cheating” unless they begin cheating emotional. Some people will say that it’s a slippery slope, but I know one couple this works for.
Anonymous said: “I think the difference in hurtfulness varies more by how long the affair lasted.”
Are you kidding?
Betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust.
IMO, my significant other is my team mate. It’s me and her vs. the world. And to cheat on her (physically or emotionally, short-term or long-term) is to betray the trust that is foundational to our partnership.
Certainly, I can have female friends. And I can trust them with personal conversations. But when I sense things are heading into shady territory, it’s time to GTFO, and if necessary, re-evaluate.
Where are these feelings coming from? What are my feelings for my partner? Have things changed? Have I changed? Am I lacking something in my relationship, and is this important enough to end it?
And if it’s really time to quit the team, that decision requires careful consideration AWAY from the obvious temptations. If you’re censoring yourself from your partner, but baring all to another attractive individual – you’ve got some decisions to make, for the sake of all three of you.
No fooling around. No secrets.
I don’t quite agree with your idea that with-holding information from your significant other and telling it to another man is emotional cheating. This is most likely because I think that it is possible to have genuine friendships between men and women. When I had a boyfriend, there were things that I disclosed to other male friends – not necessarily because I didn’t love him, but because they were issues that I felt needed advice from a different perspective than my boyfriend could offer. This works very much in the same way with my best female friends. There are many instances in which I discuss certain secrets with certain friends. Oftentimes my friends will have pre-established biases about specific topics where I truly need a non-biased answer. For example, say you received a promotion that offers higher pay, but will also require you to work longer hours. You already know that your closest colleagues at work will urge you to take it, and that your other close friends will urge you not to. You can’t decide. Hence, at your Saturday hair appointment, you ask your hairdresser. She knows you well, but not your exact work circumstances that you might have told your other friends. She will give a nonpartisan response.
I don’t believe that a single person can satisfy every emotional need that one might have. A person might be able to fulfill most of them, but not all. This is part of the reason why a lot of people participate heavily in forums or blogs online. Sometimes it is easier to discuss private things with strangers as opposed to say, your husband. Simply put, you face different judgment and don’t have to worry about seeing them afterwards.
However, I do understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. It is oftentimes these other outlets we seek where emotional affairs eventually develop. I define an emotional affair as one where you have some sort of romantic feelings for someone other than your significant other.
But yet, I don’t think that an emotional affair is necessarily worse than a physical one. They are both equally painful. I think the difference in hurtfulness varies more by how long the affair lasted. Hence, I suppose you would be right in saying that the emotional affair is more painful, because that usually lasts longer than a physical one. (An emotional, two-year, e-mail affair versus a one-night stand.)
Interesting post…
I have had an emotional affair while married to my wife (we’ve been married 3 years but have been together for 10 years). The affair began about a year ago, was never physical, and ended almost a year ago.
I do not feel guilty. My wife knew about the other person and was aware of my attraction but she never knew the full extent of my feelings. …if you want to talk about soul mates, I think I found mine in the other person.
So why don’t I feel guilty?
Falling for this other person actually ignited a passion in me that had slowly faded over the years. While falling in love with this other person, I found myself falling in love with my wife all over again. It was a wakeup call to express my love.
Had the affair become physical I know the guilt would be overwhelming and not something I could keep from my wife.
The affair ended. And while I still keep in contact, I purposely keep a distance because I know my wife is where my heart should be, not with someone else.
There was one guy I was extremely close to in college, while I was in an LDR with Micah. I was in love with Micah and he was in love with this other girl, whom he just recently married but who was dating someone else then.
One might classify it as an emotional affair, in that he was filling part of the boyfriend spot in my life. And I was doing some of the same for him. But while I had a little attraction to him, it was never enough to make me want to leave Micah or to make me not want him to get the girl he wanted. Fortunately, things worked out well…we were talking recently about this being a rare happy ending (or beginning). I don’t think we could have ever actually been in a relationship, but we were good for each other then.