In response to my Response to “The Wealth Gap in Relationships”:
Anonymous said…
you know, this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately… i recently graduated with my master’s degree and got a job right out of school… i’m making about 4 times more than my hubby and i’ve noticed how it’s really hard for him to feel like he’s taking care of me. to be sure, he is such a great spouse and helps out SO, SO, SO much around the house (i can’t even remember the last time i had to do our laundry!) but he still hasn’t finished school and that’s really starting to hurt us… especially since i’d like to start having kids but am really worried about how that will work out since i have to keep working in order for us to keep up our lifestyle… it’s a hard balance… i mean it’s working for us right now, but i know that the longer i keep making more than him, the more it’ll hurt his pride over time… any suggestions? i could use some advice!
Normally I’m pretty quick to jump on the advice wagon but this time, I don’t really feel like a good judge for this particular situation because I left someone for not wanting to work (among other major things). Period. And the entire experience turning sour after it.
The only post I can offer in help is this: Secret Lives of Breadwinner Wives
At least your hubby is in school with a hope of graduation…
Can any readers offer any advice?
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
This is an interesting conversation. I am major earner in my house (about 45% more than my hubby). It’s never been a problem. But I guess we both figure that the more money the merrier. Chores are divided (mostly) equally. I think he does more but only because he has more initiative in that arena (and I work longer hours).
Living Almost Large,
It might not hurt for her to take a quick *look* around in that she might end up appreciating him more when she realizes what sort of guys are out there. However, I wouldn’t want her to *try* to find someone else without first addressing her issues within the relationship.
I’m a big believer in marriage counseling. For some, it can be a great help. My husband and I seemed destined to divorce for a while, but we finally agreed to go to counseling before deciding to go through with it. It was hard work, but we are still together years later and have a great relationship. And even had we not stayed together, I know that I learned a lot that would have helped me in other relationships.
Another thing to consider, is it really the husband’s lack of pride or the woman’s lack of pride in her husband?
And if it’s her, then she should try to find someone better (but bet she won’t).
If it’s his, then encourage him to find a job that pays better if he so desires. If he chooses to work in a career that doesn’t pay well, then it’s up to her to make peace with it, or him.
There are several “problems”, but I wonder which is the most important: his pride, household income vs. expenses, and having time for children.
It seems like he’s doing a good job as house husband. If it was just a matter of pride, I would hesitate to push him to get a job right now. Instead, I would emphasize how much help he is around the house and build his pride that way.
If it’s a matter of finances, then 1. check your budget to see if you can cut back anywhere and 2. start splitting household duties, so that 3. he can go back to school and get a decent paying job.
And if it’s a matter of time for children… well, it will definitely mean compromises. That’s one reason why my husband and I aren’t rushing to have kids. Hopefully, Anonymous’s husband will help out plenty with the child-rearing, though.
Reality is that sometimes women make more than men period. Does that make it wrong? No. But you shouldn’t be with someone for the money but what they bring to the relationship.
I know friends who make a lot and others who make little. What survives? Is those who focus on the relationship and not the money.
Also will it really work if he makes less to work while you stay at home? Talk now about it. I have a friend whose husband is a SAHD and she makes the big bucks. No problems there and he’s in his 40s and she’s 38. They married late and had their first child 2 years ago.
Heck, it’s all about the relationship. Money is secondary. They are doing great.
Other friends, she worked while he cared for the kid, then she went back to law school, he worked full time and supported the family. Now she’s a lawyer but he’s still pulling in more money per hour as an engineer because she works so much more than him!
You can let money ruin a relationship, or you can try to rise above.
Anonymous, here is my take on it. Your husband is just framing the situation in his head in such a way that makes him feel inadequate. Maybe you can help him to see things differently. You said it’s hard for him to feel like he is taking care of you when he’s not earning as much as you. First of all, he’s in grad school so presumably his earning power will increase dramatically when that finishes, right? And as a guy, he’s probably quite action oriented, so maybe he can feel more useful if he focuses really hard on school and maybe finishes up a semester early or something? Help him focus on the fact that he’s simply taking a financial hit now for a big gain/payoff later. That IS taking care of you. Secondly, guys tend to think that “taking care of their family” and “paying the bills” are the same thing. Make sure you let him know that he is already taking great care of you in other ways that you seriously appreciate. Let him know that those other things he does are things you need him to do in order to feel like you’re being taken care of, so he realizes that there’s more than one way to take care of you and protect you, and he’s already doing it. Also show him the difference in lifestyle that you are able to afford (or difference in savings, or what have you) as a direct result of his financial contribution. Even though it’s much lower than yours, maybe it will help him to think specifically about what he IS contributing rather than what he is NOT contributing. Be specific i.e. “without your income, we wouldn’t have been able to go on vacation this year” or “without your income, it would take us three extra years to save up for a down payment on a house.”
Next point: he needs to know that if your goals are to have a child in the near future, then it makes no sense for you to cut back your earning power so that it’s closer to his level. You should be taking all that extra money and saving up to cover some living costs when it’s time for a baby, especially if you’re concerned about taking time off work. If you have some healthy savings to live off for a few weeks or months, then you’ll feel more comfortable taking a bit of time off.
Lastly I understand your desire for a child right away but given your situation, from a financial standpoint it would probably be wise to hold off trying for a baby until your husband has completed grad school and secured a higher income than what he is currently making. It will ease a lot of the financial stress for you, and him as well, because he won’t feel like he can provide for the baby until he has a full time job with higher income.
The slightly harsh reality that your husband needs to make peace with is that it doesn’t really matter who makes the money if you’re both able to enjoy your lifestyle and you’re both happy. He needs to stop thinking of it as “his contribution” and “your contribution” and just think of it as your joint money. And it wouldn’t make any sense for you to take a 75% paycut just to make him feel better about his earning power, you know? But I think the best way to make him feel better is to focus on the fact that his situation is temporary and that he can always take steps to boost his income if he’s uncomfortable with his earning power.