Violent Acres made a good point in her post today about women and their looks.
Too many women waste their lives chasing some arbitrary form of physical perfection. There is no point to it. Even the women on the cover of Playboy magazine will eventually get old someday.
While we’re all on the subject of feminine beauty in society, let me ask you all a quick question. Why is it that a woman cannot be confident about her appearance without being referred to as ‘vain?’ After my last story, I was called shallow, conceited, vain, and full of myself…all because I had to audacity to admit that I had a pretty good body when I was 14 years old.
It got me thinking… are women sabotaging themselves?
I thought back to a very early Sex and the City episode – Models & Mortals – where they all sat around discussing their flaws. Charlotte hated her thighs, Miranda hated her chin, Carrie hated her nose, and Samantha…. loved the way she looked.
But when she mentioned that, Miranda snarkily said: “You should! You’ve paid enough for it!”
That comment never used to bother me. Until I read V’s post, and wondered a woman couldn’t be happy and love the way she looked without another woman making a snarky comment to her about paying for it (as in it’s all not natural, and was bought rather than earned).
I’ve found the easiest way to bond with women is to snark about your flaws.
My thighs are too fat.
My arms are flabby.
My toes are ugly.
I think I learned this behaviour growing up because that’s just what young girls did (and do), but trying to break yourself of the habit is quite hard. I could improve on my stomach, sure…if I compared myself to Jessica Alba, but I’m actually happy with my entire body and my looks.
But when I mentioned this to a group of gorgeous, articulate, intelligent women, they’d immediately gave me this half disgusted, snide look that made me think I was being arrogant, vain, or shallow.. then I’d get this pang of guilt and think: “Am I?”.. and slowly start to scrutinize myself until I found a flaw that I could proudly announce and regain approval of the group.
I just caught myself the other day immediately countering someone when they told me I looked beautiful that day, and I hate that I did it instinctively…
So what do you think? Are women sabotaging themselves?
I’m sick of being surrounded by self loathing people who elect to change their outsides because they have not deemed their inside worth improving. I’m tired of the notion that, as a woman, I’ve either got to be perpetually unforgiving of myself or an egomaniac. When someone gives me a compliment, I want to simply say, ‘Thank you.’ I do not want to feel compelled to argue or immediately start listing my faults. I’m tired of bulimia being the new black.
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.
I cleared $60,000 in 18 months earning $65,000 gross/year.
Now I am self-employed, and you can read more about 
Val: I think they self-judge themselves every time a girl doesn’t show interest in them or rejects them… 😉 But then again, so do women. Hmm..
Meg: I really do think women are their own worst enemies. We all have flaws, but… it’s what we emphasize -flaws or the good stuff that makes the difference.
Oxanna: Yes it does… You don’t know whether to say “Thanks..?” or suddenly go: “OH but I have NO BUTT…”
Miss Erica: That’s the spirit!! 🙂 We need more women like you out there, owning your bodies.
Thanks for commenting on this post everyone 🙂 I love hearing all this insight!
We all just have to love ourselves the way we are. Other people will see something in us that we just can’t see (especially men). I have hips & a juicy butt … yes, I said it. I LUV them, and men LUV them too. I am not ashamed, I don’t have to hide it, and I like to be complimented. What other women think … does not really matter to me. As long as I feel good, and my significant other is happy … that’s what matters.
Would the “I hate you!” (said jokingly) phrase fall into this category too? As in, “Oh, you’ve got such a cute hat/eyes/figure/etc. – I hate you!” Um…excusez-moi? It’s not that the speakers of this phrase are trying to be insulting – far from it! But I do hate hearing that phrase. It’s sort of a reverse-fat girl insult. Instead of “You’re so fat, nobody likes you”, it’s “You’re so skinny, you’re not one of us real people.” It hurts both ways, folks.
Oh, I’m so glad you posted this!
My niece was complaining about being too fat — she’s definitely skinny (though, she used to have some extra pudge). I told her, “What does that make me, a sumo wrestler?” You know how I value honesty. I’m not going to lie and say that someone is skinny when they really, really aren’t (though I won’t point it out to them either). However, that includes being honest about our lack of flaws, too.
If only men sat around judging themselves the way we women do. That would be a sight to see.
QuiteLight: I think it’s a shame that self-confidence has to be hidden and battered… I think everyone has flaws that they don’t want others to see, but it’s those who can say “Damnit, I DO have flaws, but I love myself anyway”, are the ones who are self-confident rather than vain.
Vain to me, is if you think you are perfectly flawless and no one can match you.
Mrs. Micah: Well I’m glad you’re working towards it… I think since you’re aware that you have a killer figure, it’s a baby step towards realizing how beautiful you look to everyone else.
Thanks for the insights, ladies!
Mr. Micah sat me down and taught me to say “Thank you” when I was complimented. That was over 5 years ago. He felt annoyed that every time he told me that I was beautiful, I’d say “No I’m not.” or “Not really.” Sounds paternalistic, but it was actually really sweet. He told me that I was a beautiful woman and he wanted me to take what he said seriously.
Not that it’s cured my self-confidence. I’m still my own worst enemy…many women would kill for my figure (and sadly do kill themselves) but I don’t find it special. :-/
I totally agree. Any form of self-confidence is considered vain. I was raised to be self-confident & proud to be unique (way to go, Mom & Dad!) but still not to say good things about myself because that was bragging or vain.
It took YEARS of work to defeat my self-depreciating sense of humour, developed to talk to other women in high school & university. Now when I wind up in those situations, I just don’t say anything about myself & try to steer the group towards more positive talk.
And I try to encourage people who DO have the flat out guts to talk themselves up in a good way. I may not be quite there yet, but yay for them!